The Onion / September 24, 2012
CHARLESTON, WV—According to the results of a Gallup poll released Monday, the overwhelming majority of rural white Americans said they would rather vote for Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than U.S. president Barack Obama.
“I like him better,” said West Virginia resident Dale Swiderski, who, along with 77 percent of rural Caucasian voters, confirmed he would much rather go to a baseball game or have a beer with Ahmadinejad, a man who has repeatedly denied the Holocaust and has had numerous political prisoners executed, than spend time with Obama. “He takes national defense seriously, and he’d never let some gay protesters tell him how to run his country like Obama does.”
According to the same Gallup poll, 60 percent of rural whites said they at least respected that Ahmadinejad doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s Muslim.
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For more on this story:
IRAN’S FARS NEWS AGENCY PICKS UP BOGUS OBAMA STORY FROM THE ONION
By Alex Kantrowitz
Forbes
September 28, 2012
In what almost feels like an Onion story itself, Iran’s Fars News Agency picked up a story from The Onion today, apparently not knowing the story was satirical. The Onion article ‘reports’ that rural whites prefer Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to President Barack Obama, and would rather vote for Ahmadinejad if given the chance. Fars has since removed the post.
The Onion story is littered with outrageous laugh lines, some of which clearly poke fun at Ahmadinejad. One such line quotes a fake West Virginia resident and tells readers “he would much rather go to a baseball game or have a beer with Ahmadinejad, a man who has repeatedly denied the Holocaust and has had numerous political prisoners executed, than spend time with Obama.”
Gallup, a well-respected polling service, also receives a mention. The post mentions one their polls, also fake, which finds “60 percent of rural whites said they at least respected that Ahmadinejad doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s Muslim.” When asked for comment, a Gallup spokesperson told Voted Up [a Forbes blog] she would rather not speak about the article. “Gallup has no comment about the satirical material published on The Onion,” the spokesperson wrote in an email.
The Onion, on the other hand, could hardly contain its glee. Appending its original post, The Onion linked to a screenshot of Fars’ story and wrote “For more on this story: Please visit our Iranian subsidiary organization, Fars.”
Asked for further comment, an Onion spokesperson sent Voted Up a statement from Onion editor Will Tracy:
__“The Iranian news agency, Fars, is a subsidiary of The Onion. They have acted as our Middle Eastern bureau since the mid 1980s, when the Onion’s publisher, T. Herman Zweibel, founded Fars with the government approval of the late Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini. The Onion freely shares content with Fars and commends the journalists at Iran’s Finest News Source on their superb reportage.”
Something tells us Fars will not be adding that statement to its ‘About Us’ page.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
NETANYAHU FEELING LIKE TRIP TO U.S. TO START WORLD WAR III WENT PRETTY WELL
The Onion / September 28, 2012
NEW YORK—Following his speech to the United Nations General Assembly this week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Friday that he is “pretty satisfied” with his trip to the U.S. to instigate World War III.
“All in all, I think I accomplished my goal of pushing humanity toward the brink of complete and utter annihilation,” said Netanyahu, adding that his implicit calls for international military action against Iran, which would ultimately escalate the conflict to an Armageddon-level of death and destruction, went “fairly well.” “I think I did a good job laying the groundwork for a nuclear holocaust that will kill billions of people and eventually end the world as we know it. Sounded like everyone really liked it, too.”
When reached for comment, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters that he was “equally happy” with his own efforts to nudge the world slightly closer to a full-blown apocalypse.
NEW YORK—Following his speech to the United Nations General Assembly this week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Friday that he is “pretty satisfied” with his trip to the U.S. to instigate World War III.
“All in all, I think I accomplished my goal of pushing humanity toward the brink of complete and utter annihilation,” said Netanyahu, adding that his implicit calls for international military action against Iran, which would ultimately escalate the conflict to an Armageddon-level of death and destruction, went “fairly well.” “I think I did a good job laying the groundwork for a nuclear holocaust that will kill billions of people and eventually end the world as we know it. Sounded like everyone really liked it, too.”
When reached for comment, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters that he was “equally happy” with his own efforts to nudge the world slightly closer to a full-blown apocalypse.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
MADONNA ENDORSES OBAMA
The Unconventional Gazette / September 27, 2012
According to columnist Bernard Goldberg:
During her recent concert in Washington, D.C., Madonna told her adoring fans to vote for Obama.
"And now it is so amazing and incredible to think that we have an African-American in the White House," she said. "Y'all better vote for fucking Obama, OK? For better or for worse, all right?"
The crowd cheered. And when the adoration died down, Madonna continued.
"We have a black Muslim in the White House," she said. "Now that is some shit. That is amazing shit. It means there is hope in this country."
After the endorsement, Madonna took off her shirt and pulled down her pants to reveal the name "OBAMA" written in all capital letters across her lower back.
"When Obama is in the White House for a second term I'll take it all off," she said, before treating her fans to a sexy version of "Like a Virgin."
According to columnist Bernard Goldberg:
During her recent concert in Washington, D.C., Madonna told her adoring fans to vote for Obama.
"And now it is so amazing and incredible to think that we have an African-American in the White House," she said. "Y'all better vote for fucking Obama, OK? For better or for worse, all right?"
The crowd cheered. And when the adoration died down, Madonna continued.
"We have a black Muslim in the White House," she said. "Now that is some shit. That is amazing shit. It means there is hope in this country."
After the endorsement, Madonna took off her shirt and pulled down her pants to reveal the name "OBAMA" written in all capital letters across her lower back.
"When Obama is in the White House for a second term I'll take it all off," she said, before treating her fans to a sexy version of "Like a Virgin."
Monday, September 24, 2012
NEW, LIGHTER iPHONE HAILED BY EXHAUSTED, HUMPBACKED iPHONE 4 USERS
The Onion / September 21, 2012
LOS ANGELES—The nation’s hunchbacked, out-of-breath iPhone users lined up outside Apple stores throughout the country today to purchase the new iPhone 5, which boasts a widely anticipated slimmed down, lighter design that promises to no longer irreversibly misshape the curvature of users’ spines.
“I’m really excited for the iPhone 5’s 4G connectivity and the fact that it won’t dislocate my shoulder whenever I pick it up to answer it,” said severely disfigured graphic artist Gabe Brittell, 32, huffing and puffing under the weight of the hefty previous version of the device that he had strapped to his back via strong, braided nylon cords. “Finally a thinner model that won’t shatter my hip and take 20 years off my life by permanently deforming my torso and vertebrae!”
Executives said they anticipated sales of the iPhone 5 to be down compared to previous years, citing the roughly 2 million Apple fans who have been crushed to death under the iPhone 4S.
LOS ANGELES—The nation’s hunchbacked, out-of-breath iPhone users lined up outside Apple stores throughout the country today to purchase the new iPhone 5, which boasts a widely anticipated slimmed down, lighter design that promises to no longer irreversibly misshape the curvature of users’ spines.
“I’m really excited for the iPhone 5’s 4G connectivity and the fact that it won’t dislocate my shoulder whenever I pick it up to answer it,” said severely disfigured graphic artist Gabe Brittell, 32, huffing and puffing under the weight of the hefty previous version of the device that he had strapped to his back via strong, braided nylon cords. “Finally a thinner model that won’t shatter my hip and take 20 years off my life by permanently deforming my torso and vertebrae!”
Executives said they anticipated sales of the iPhone 5 to be down compared to previous years, citing the roughly 2 million Apple fans who have been crushed to death under the iPhone 4S.
Friday, September 21, 2012
FINE POINTS OF THE LAW
By Chuck Shepherd
Chuck Shepherd’s News of the Weird / September 21, 2012
Italy's highest court ruled in July that one man's telling another, in front of others, that he has "no balls" can be criminal conduct that warrants payment of damages. Said Judge Maurizio Fumo, such a comment places at issue male virility as well as competence and character.
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In August, after an eight-day trial, a court in Hamburg, Germany, awarded money damages to a man who called another an "asshole" ("arschloch") in a parking-space dispute and fixed the payment at the equivalent of about $75,000. (Courts in Germany can base the amount of damages on the transgressor's income.) [ANSA (Rome) via Daily Telegraph (London), 8-1-2012] [The Local (Berlin), 8-23-2012]
Chuck Shepherd’s News of the Weird / September 21, 2012
Italy's highest court ruled in July that one man's telling another, in front of others, that he has "no balls" can be criminal conduct that warrants payment of damages. Said Judge Maurizio Fumo, such a comment places at issue male virility as well as competence and character.
_____
In August, after an eight-day trial, a court in Hamburg, Germany, awarded money damages to a man who called another an "asshole" ("arschloch") in a parking-space dispute and fixed the payment at the equivalent of about $75,000. (Courts in Germany can base the amount of damages on the transgressor's income.) [ANSA (Rome) via Daily Telegraph (London), 8-1-2012] [The Local (Berlin), 8-23-2012]
THE NEWS IN ZINGERS
By Argus Hamilton / Jewish World Review / September 21, 2012
Obama couldn't answer a question about the national debt Tuesday. China lends us the money, which is given to government dependents, who spend it at Wal-Mart, which buys everything from China. The money circles so fast that last week it formed a tornado that blew the hair off the roof of the William Shatner Theater in Phoenix.
_____
France closed twenty of its embassies across the Muslim world Friday after a French comic magazine ran a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed. That's not all. In addition, the French security service raised the nation's terror alert level from collaborate to surrender.
_____
A Pakistani man died inhaling the smoke of the U.S. flag he was burning in Islamabad Monday. They can't win. If they inhale the polyester flags made in China they die, and if they inhale the hemp flags from Kentucky they can't remember what they're protesting.
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NFL defensive players praised the replacement refs Friday, saying they don't whistle every little infraction. The defenders say they allow the players to play the game. One player was killed after being tackled last week when the referee gave him a thumbs-down.
_____
Justice Department officials resigned over the failure of Operation Fast and Furious Tuesday. They sold Mexican drug dealers guns equipped with GPS to try to track them. Just our luck, the GPS only served to tell the shooter when there was a drug agent on the next block.
_____
The GOP released old video Tuesday of President Obama admitting he was in favor of wealth redistribution, in response to the Democrats releasing old video of Romney admitting he was a capitalist. This is nothing. Forty years from now, presidential candidates will have partied with Prince Harry and there will be cell-phone video of that.
Obama couldn't answer a question about the national debt Tuesday. China lends us the money, which is given to government dependents, who spend it at Wal-Mart, which buys everything from China. The money circles so fast that last week it formed a tornado that blew the hair off the roof of the William Shatner Theater in Phoenix.
_____
France closed twenty of its embassies across the Muslim world Friday after a French comic magazine ran a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed. That's not all. In addition, the French security service raised the nation's terror alert level from collaborate to surrender.
_____
A Pakistani man died inhaling the smoke of the U.S. flag he was burning in Islamabad Monday. They can't win. If they inhale the polyester flags made in China they die, and if they inhale the hemp flags from Kentucky they can't remember what they're protesting.
_____
NFL defensive players praised the replacement refs Friday, saying they don't whistle every little infraction. The defenders say they allow the players to play the game. One player was killed after being tackled last week when the referee gave him a thumbs-down.
_____
Justice Department officials resigned over the failure of Operation Fast and Furious Tuesday. They sold Mexican drug dealers guns equipped with GPS to try to track them. Just our luck, the GPS only served to tell the shooter when there was a drug agent on the next block.
_____
The GOP released old video Tuesday of President Obama admitting he was in favor of wealth redistribution, in response to the Democrats releasing old video of Romney admitting he was a capitalist. This is nothing. Forty years from now, presidential candidates will have partied with Prince Harry and there will be cell-phone video of that.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
THE TALKING CENTIPEDE
The Unconventional Gazette / September 18, 2012
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, ”Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN ABOUT GOD?"
This time a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, ”Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN ABOUT GOD?"
This time a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
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