Longing to touch its pearly coat, the president is said to have stumbled over dozens of tree roots and stooped under countless low-hanging boughs in pursuit of the magnificent horse
The Onion | October 15, 2015
WASHINGTON—After waking to a faint rustle of hooves upon fallen leaves and peering out his window to glimpse a silvery mane in the distant mist, President Barack Obama reportedly followed a white stallion through the White House Rose Garden in the early moonlit hours of Thursday morning.
The commander-in-chief, who had dozed off at his desk while working late to prepare for summit talks with South Korean president Park Geun-hye, was said to be transfixed by the noble creature’s elegant bearing. Wandering out the Oval Office’s east door toward where it stood grazing in the dew-covered grass, he found himself frozen in place as the wild horse lifted its head and briefly returned his gaze.
“Oh my,” whispered a breathless Obama, who stepped forward into the night just in time to see the flash of a brilliant white tail disappearing into the swirling fog. “Wait—come back!”
According to reports, the 44th president of the United States gazed longingly into the distance before heading off in pursuit of the stallion, stumbling barefoot through a maze of magnolia trees and into an overgrown oak grove, guided only by the full moon and an occasional ghostly whinnying up ahead. Every time he caught sight of the pale figure, it would reportedly disappear further into the shadow-drenched recesses of the garden, eventually cantering off through a thicket of brambles and onto the South Lawn.
Reports indicate that Obama had completely lost track of just where on the White House grounds he was or how long he had been following the animal when he pulled back a thick curtain of vines to find the stallion standing in a small clearing, drinking from a spring.
“What is this place?” he asked in a low voice as he took in the lush, unfamiliar greenery that surrounded him, the horse having led him far deeper into the Rose Garden than he had ever ventured before. “Why did you bring me here?”
“My goodness, you really are beautiful,” the nation’s president added as the fog that had enveloped his journey began to clear.
Taking in the entirety of the creature for the first time, Obama is said to have slowly approached the animal and paused to appreciate its gentle strength and impressive size, completely mesmerized by the horse’s grace and poise. The president then slowly lifted his hand to stroke the stallion’s shimmering mane, running his fingers through its silky strands.
“Shhh,” said Obama, who was reportedly taken aback by the animal’s eyes, dark orbs that seemed to look directly into the president’s soul. “It’s almost as if I know you from somewhere.”
“Perhaps I saw you in a dream—could it be I’m dreaming now?” he continued, staring into the creature’s calm, gleaming eyes. “But you feel so real!”
At that moment, sources said, the stallion simply turned and trotted back toward the woods, leaving the president alone with his thoughts as the first lights of dawn appeared in the sky.
Its full majestic form silhouetted by the setting moon as it reared back onto its hind legs, reports confirmed that the horse let out a whinny of farewell, mere seconds before it was shot down in a hail of gunfire by Secret Service snipers.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Thursday, October 15, 2015
EX-KARDASHIAN OVERDOSES ON VIAGRA IN NEVADA WHOREHOUSE
Lamar Odom, former LA Lakers star and ex-husband of Khloé Kardashian, partied for four days in a Nevada whorehouse before overdosing on herbal Viagra
BarkGrowlBite | October 15, 2015
Lamar Odom knows how to party. Well not exactly. Odom, 35, partied for four days at the Love Ranch South, a whorehouse in Pahrump, Nevada, during which time he reportedly blew $75,000. While there he was seen popping 8 to 10 herbal Viagras at a time. A couple of the establishment’s working girls found him unconscious and unresponsive Tuesday. He was rushed to Desert View Hospital in Pahrump. Odom was then taken 80 miles by ambulance to Sunrise Hospital in Las Vegas because his 6’-10” frame was too big for a medivac helicopter.
The former LA Lakers and LA Clippers star, and ex-husband of Khloe Kardashian, remains in a coma on a ventilator. The prognosis is not good. Odom reportedly suffered some brain damage and his organs are failing. Doctors also found cocaine and opiates in his system.
Khloe and several of the other trashy Kardashians rushed to Odom’s bedside. So did Lakers super star Kobe Bryant.
Odom has a history of drug abuse and that is why Khloe reportedly dumped him after four years of marriage.
As for the brain damage, Odom must have already been suffering therefrom when he fell into the trash heap that is the Kardashian-Jenner clan.
Being 6’-10” tall means Odom probably has an enormous dick. It would probably take a much higher than usual dose of Viagra to erect his appendage.
Hmmm, I wonder if when he finally got it up, he had an erection lasting more than four hours, and he didn’t call his doctor.
BarkGrowlBite | October 15, 2015
Lamar Odom knows how to party. Well not exactly. Odom, 35, partied for four days at the Love Ranch South, a whorehouse in Pahrump, Nevada, during which time he reportedly blew $75,000. While there he was seen popping 8 to 10 herbal Viagras at a time. A couple of the establishment’s working girls found him unconscious and unresponsive Tuesday. He was rushed to Desert View Hospital in Pahrump. Odom was then taken 80 miles by ambulance to Sunrise Hospital in Las Vegas because his 6’-10” frame was too big for a medivac helicopter.
The former LA Lakers and LA Clippers star, and ex-husband of Khloe Kardashian, remains in a coma on a ventilator. The prognosis is not good. Odom reportedly suffered some brain damage and his organs are failing. Doctors also found cocaine and opiates in his system.
Khloe and several of the other trashy Kardashians rushed to Odom’s bedside. So did Lakers super star Kobe Bryant.
Odom has a history of drug abuse and that is why Khloe reportedly dumped him after four years of marriage.
As for the brain damage, Odom must have already been suffering therefrom when he fell into the trash heap that is the Kardashian-Jenner clan.
Being 6’-10” tall means Odom probably has an enormous dick. It would probably take a much higher than usual dose of Viagra to erect his appendage.
Hmmm, I wonder if when he finally got it up, he had an erection lasting more than four hours, and he didn’t call his doctor.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
BRATTON SHOULD HAVE THROWN HER POTHEAD ASS IN JAIL
New York’s police chief caught a college student smoking pot on Wall Street, discarded her joint, but let her off with a lecture
BarkGrowlBite | October 14, 2015
New York Police Commissioner Bill Bratton was taking a stroll down Wall Street with his security detail Thursday morning when he got a whiff of some funny tobacco. Then he spotted a young woman of college age puffing away on a joint. Together with one of his officers, Bratton stopped the woman and politely removed the marijuana cigarette from her lips. Then he tossed the joint down a sewer. Although he could have arrested the woman, he let her off with a lecture.
Bratton said he let the woman off because he wanted to set an example for the officers of the NYPD.
NYPD has a policy of not arresting people who are caught with 25 grams or less of marijuana, but that policy does not apply to people caught smoking pot in public.
Here is how Bratton described the encounter during a New York Law School breakfast on Friday:
“Directly in front of us is this young woman, happily puffing away, on her way – with her earphones in and [with] her school bag — to one of the local schools. All of a sudden, there it is, that smell,” he said. I thought, “What the hell —8:30 on Wall Street? So my security officer came up on one side, I came up on the other and tapped her on the shoulder. I wish I had a photograph of that face. She instantly recognized me.”
Bratton then told the breakfast group that he suggested to the young lady that she might do better in school if she were not under the influence of pot.
Bratton also told the law students what he expected of his cops:
“If you’re smoking it in public we will potentially arrest you, but we encourage officers to use the scale they are authorized to use — warning, admonitions, summons, arrest if necessary.”
I can see several things wrong with this picture. First of all, New York City is not (yet) San Francisco where you can smoke pot in public and copulate in public parks with little fear of getting busted by the cops. As for the lecture, does anyone really believe that this pothead will actually follow Bratton’s suggestion? I’ll bet the commissioner himself doesn’t even believe she'll do that.
Bratton’s example sure as hell won’t deter any potheads from using marijuana, whereas an arrest and the resulting publicity might have served as a valuable lesson on the consequences of flaunting the law. And some of those young marijuana users who are not deterred because of Bratton’s lousy example will eventually come to the attention of his cops for using more potent mind-altering substances like meth, coke and heroin.
Then there is the example Bratton set for his cops. I think it was a piss poor example if there ever was one! This woman brazenly walked down the street smoking a joint for everyone to see, including children. Bratton should have thrown her pothead ass in jail for all bystanders to see what will happen if they smoke a joint in public. And that would have set a good example for his cops.
BarkGrowlBite | October 14, 2015
New York Police Commissioner Bill Bratton was taking a stroll down Wall Street with his security detail Thursday morning when he got a whiff of some funny tobacco. Then he spotted a young woman of college age puffing away on a joint. Together with one of his officers, Bratton stopped the woman and politely removed the marijuana cigarette from her lips. Then he tossed the joint down a sewer. Although he could have arrested the woman, he let her off with a lecture.
Bratton said he let the woman off because he wanted to set an example for the officers of the NYPD.
NYPD has a policy of not arresting people who are caught with 25 grams or less of marijuana, but that policy does not apply to people caught smoking pot in public.
Here is how Bratton described the encounter during a New York Law School breakfast on Friday:
“Directly in front of us is this young woman, happily puffing away, on her way – with her earphones in and [with] her school bag — to one of the local schools. All of a sudden, there it is, that smell,” he said. I thought, “What the hell —8:30 on Wall Street? So my security officer came up on one side, I came up on the other and tapped her on the shoulder. I wish I had a photograph of that face. She instantly recognized me.”
Bratton then told the breakfast group that he suggested to the young lady that she might do better in school if she were not under the influence of pot.
Bratton also told the law students what he expected of his cops:
“If you’re smoking it in public we will potentially arrest you, but we encourage officers to use the scale they are authorized to use — warning, admonitions, summons, arrest if necessary.”
I can see several things wrong with this picture. First of all, New York City is not (yet) San Francisco where you can smoke pot in public and copulate in public parks with little fear of getting busted by the cops. As for the lecture, does anyone really believe that this pothead will actually follow Bratton’s suggestion? I’ll bet the commissioner himself doesn’t even believe she'll do that.
Bratton’s example sure as hell won’t deter any potheads from using marijuana, whereas an arrest and the resulting publicity might have served as a valuable lesson on the consequences of flaunting the law. And some of those young marijuana users who are not deterred because of Bratton’s lousy example will eventually come to the attention of his cops for using more potent mind-altering substances like meth, coke and heroin.
Then there is the example Bratton set for his cops. I think it was a piss poor example if there ever was one! This woman brazenly walked down the street smoking a joint for everyone to see, including children. Bratton should have thrown her pothead ass in jail for all bystanders to see what will happen if they smoke a joint in public. And that would have set a good example for his cops.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
HOME INVADER NO MATCH FOR WOMAN NINJA WARRIOR
Jacob Wessel learned to his dismay that he broke into the wrong Indianapolis house Thursday night
BarkGrowlBite | October 13, 2015
43-year-old, 5-foot-6 Karen Dolley woke up in her Indianapolis home around midnight Thursday when she heard the sound of someone in her living room. Karen hopped out of bed, switched on the lights, and came face to face with 30-year-old Jacob Wessel who had forced his way into her house through the back door..
Karen immediately went into attack mode. She punched him about 10 times before poor old Jake knew what hit him. They ended up in her bedroom. She reached for her gun in a nearby drawer, but in the heat of battle, she opened the wrong drawer. Oh shit, no gun! Not to worry. Karen quickly grabbed the ninjato, a Japanese sword, which she always kept by her bed. She dialed 9-1-1 and held the thunderstruck Jake at bay until the cops showed up.
The cops hauled Jake’s thankful ass off to the slammer and charged him with residential entry, a Level 6 felony.
Karen told the Indy Star: “I didn’t think I was getting good blows in but my knuckles are bruised today. Hitting someone like that, it isn’t like the movies. You’re expecting it to be louder and see people jerk around, but that’s not how it happens in real life.”
It turns out Karen had some experience in medieval combat fighting. As an 18-year-old, much to the regret of Jake, she was a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism, a group which re-creates arts and skills from Europe prior to the 17th Century. Her medieval combat training stood her in good Thursday night.
I suspect that Jake is happy to be safely locked up and may be contemplating a new line of work.
BarkGrowlBite | October 13, 2015
43-year-old, 5-foot-6 Karen Dolley woke up in her Indianapolis home around midnight Thursday when she heard the sound of someone in her living room. Karen hopped out of bed, switched on the lights, and came face to face with 30-year-old Jacob Wessel who had forced his way into her house through the back door..
Karen immediately went into attack mode. She punched him about 10 times before poor old Jake knew what hit him. They ended up in her bedroom. She reached for her gun in a nearby drawer, but in the heat of battle, she opened the wrong drawer. Oh shit, no gun! Not to worry. Karen quickly grabbed the ninjato, a Japanese sword, which she always kept by her bed. She dialed 9-1-1 and held the thunderstruck Jake at bay until the cops showed up.
The cops hauled Jake’s thankful ass off to the slammer and charged him with residential entry, a Level 6 felony.
Karen told the Indy Star: “I didn’t think I was getting good blows in but my knuckles are bruised today. Hitting someone like that, it isn’t like the movies. You’re expecting it to be louder and see people jerk around, but that’s not how it happens in real life.”
It turns out Karen had some experience in medieval combat fighting. As an 18-year-old, much to the regret of Jake, she was a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism, a group which re-creates arts and skills from Europe prior to the 17th Century. Her medieval combat training stood her in good Thursday night.
I suspect that Jake is happy to be safely locked up and may be contemplating a new line of work.
5 DRIVING LAWS NO ONE BOTHERS TO FOLLOW
By Jeff Balke
Houston Press
October 12, 2015
At times, driving in Houston is taking your life in your hands. This is particularly true if you are one of those rare birds who follows every driving law regardless of what others around you are doing. And this doesn't mean sensible things like speed limits (most of the time), staying in your lane, texting while driving and just plain recklessness. People often ignore these laws too, even though most of us realize those laws make actual sense.
Then there are the laws that seem almost antiquated simply because very few people pay attention to them, and sometimes even protest if you abide by them.
Less Than Obvious School Zones
School zones are really, really important. And this is not to advocate against them in the slightest. However, it might be time to require they be upgraded. Maybe a giant sign or police and crossing guards at all of them. Get out the little orange cones or, at the very least, make sure they all have flashing lights. Frankly, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if they put a giant scary clown in the middle of the road demanding you stop. Of course, the kids would be scarred for life. But they wouldn't be dead.
No Right on Red
People, without a doubt, see these signs. It is assumed they chuckle to themselves before turning right on red anyway. Truthfully, it is hard to tell exactly why and where these signs exist. At times, they appear almost arbitrary. As a result, no one takes them seriously and they go largely ignored.
Signal When Changing Lanes
The only time anyone does this is when they are trying to squeeze into traffic and provide some passive aggressive proof of what they are doing to other drivers. It is also the universal sign for, "If you don't let me in, I am free to flip you off when you pass by." Turn signals are great when used properly, but when was the last time you saw someone driving at a normal rate of speed down a relatively quiet street signal before moving over to the adjacent lane? Here's when: never.
Left Lane, Fast Lane
Perhaps the bane of every fast driver's existence is the slow driver in the left lane. In Europe, they flash their lights and honk their horns at you if you don't move. We are apparently too polite, so we pass on the right side, which is apparently also illegal in many situations. When the freeway often feels like that scene Matrix: Revolutions and all you want is Neo to fly out of the sky and rescue you from an exploding semi trailer, the lane becomes inconsequential. At that point, it is survival of the fittest.
Yield
Not only does no one even understand the concept of yielding, the word sounds like something you'd hear a dude in a fake British accent say to you outside the jousting arena at the Renaissance Festival. The very idea of pausing politely is counter intuitive to most drivers anyway, particularly when driving along a freeway access road. The next time you see someone slow down on the feeder to allow traffic to exit the freeway safely, you let us know. We guess most people see that upside down triangle and think it is either an ad for a really lame superhero movie or the symbol of the illuminati.
EDITOR’S NOTE: What Jeff forgot to mention was that if in Houston you give these traffic violators a dirty look or honk at them, you’re liable to get shot.
I might also mention that on many occasions I have observed school bus drivers ignoring the school zone speed limits. And when I called the school district to notify them of this, together with the bus ID numbers, I always got a ho hum reaction.
Houston Press
October 12, 2015
At times, driving in Houston is taking your life in your hands. This is particularly true if you are one of those rare birds who follows every driving law regardless of what others around you are doing. And this doesn't mean sensible things like speed limits (most of the time), staying in your lane, texting while driving and just plain recklessness. People often ignore these laws too, even though most of us realize those laws make actual sense.
Then there are the laws that seem almost antiquated simply because very few people pay attention to them, and sometimes even protest if you abide by them.
Less Than Obvious School Zones
School zones are really, really important. And this is not to advocate against them in the slightest. However, it might be time to require they be upgraded. Maybe a giant sign or police and crossing guards at all of them. Get out the little orange cones or, at the very least, make sure they all have flashing lights. Frankly, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if they put a giant scary clown in the middle of the road demanding you stop. Of course, the kids would be scarred for life. But they wouldn't be dead.
No Right on Red
People, without a doubt, see these signs. It is assumed they chuckle to themselves before turning right on red anyway. Truthfully, it is hard to tell exactly why and where these signs exist. At times, they appear almost arbitrary. As a result, no one takes them seriously and they go largely ignored.
Signal When Changing Lanes
The only time anyone does this is when they are trying to squeeze into traffic and provide some passive aggressive proof of what they are doing to other drivers. It is also the universal sign for, "If you don't let me in, I am free to flip you off when you pass by." Turn signals are great when used properly, but when was the last time you saw someone driving at a normal rate of speed down a relatively quiet street signal before moving over to the adjacent lane? Here's when: never.
Left Lane, Fast Lane
Perhaps the bane of every fast driver's existence is the slow driver in the left lane. In Europe, they flash their lights and honk their horns at you if you don't move. We are apparently too polite, so we pass on the right side, which is apparently also illegal in many situations. When the freeway often feels like that scene Matrix: Revolutions and all you want is Neo to fly out of the sky and rescue you from an exploding semi trailer, the lane becomes inconsequential. At that point, it is survival of the fittest.
Yield
Not only does no one even understand the concept of yielding, the word sounds like something you'd hear a dude in a fake British accent say to you outside the jousting arena at the Renaissance Festival. The very idea of pausing politely is counter intuitive to most drivers anyway, particularly when driving along a freeway access road. The next time you see someone slow down on the feeder to allow traffic to exit the freeway safely, you let us know. We guess most people see that upside down triangle and think it is either an ad for a really lame superhero movie or the symbol of the illuminati.
EDITOR’S NOTE: What Jeff forgot to mention was that if in Houston you give these traffic violators a dirty look or honk at them, you’re liable to get shot.
I might also mention that on many occasions I have observed school bus drivers ignoring the school zone speed limits. And when I called the school district to notify them of this, together with the bus ID numbers, I always got a ho hum reaction.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
BOAT LOAD OF CUBANS INTERCEPTED BY COAST GUARD
After the skipper announced it would be another week before they would return to their base in Miami, 17 Coast Guard cutter crew members were seriously injured scrambling to help these Cubans aboard their vessel.
Friday, October 9, 2015
YOU AND I HELPED EL CHAPO TO ESCAPE
With every bribe, with every illegal act, we all become accomplices
By Luis Elizalde
Mexico News Daily
August 28, 2015
I helped El Chapo escape. And you, who is reading this, and you, and you. Yes, this is going to be a radical post, but what do you want? That’s me.
The first time I helped El Chapo was, perhaps, in February 1986 when I finally got my first fake ID and used it to get into the News, a popular disco in El Pedregal, and get blissfully drunk.
The second time was in ’87 when I got my “no-test” driver’s license by paying 300 pesos more, for which, obviously, I received no receipt.
The third was the first time I ran a light and fell back on the proverbial “How can we fix this, officer?” The fourth, when Messrs. Johnnie and Walker helped me pass a remedial geography course with a gift for my dipsomaniac teacher.
And I could continue with countless episodes in which a bribe took place.
The last time I helped him was with his tunnel two weeks ago when a cop pulled me over because my car’s emissions test had expired. I preferred to resolve the matter in a pleasant and friendly manner with two Sor Juanas (200-peso notes), instead of paying the ticket, allowing my car to be towed away and dealing with all the fucking hassle.
You have helped, too, when you double-park “very quickly because you’re only just going close by,” or when you buy pirated movies, or when you bribe the alcohol inspectors because your restaurant’s license has expired and renewing it is a fuss, or you who voted for the PRI, or you who didn’t vote.
It’s a radical point of view, as I said, but I consider it as real as El Chapo’s escape.
My father-in-law used to say that “nobody can get through the three honests:”
You ask someone, “Are you honest?”
And they answer, “Yes.”
You ask again: “Honest, honest?”
And they answer again: “Yes, yes.”
You ask once again: ““Honest, honest, honest?”
And then the person being asked will always say, “Weeelll, I mean, define honest, because, you see . . . .”
And, yeah. Nobody can endure the three honests. It sounds like a joke, but it isn’t. We live in a country in which we are told from childhood that “if you don’t cheat, you don’t get ahead.”
That seems to be the motto. That’s how “the system” works. Alas, it is sometimes cheaper to bribe someone and get things done than become “misterthreehonests,” because in many cases if you want to resolve a bureaucratic procedure, you must bribe someone.
Is it Mexican genetics?
Not at all, and you simply have to cross from Tijuana to Chula Vista to find out. The Mexicans who run lights and leave litter in Baja California are the same as those in California who stop at stop signs, and for whom the idea of spitting chewing gum on the sidewalk never even crosses their minds.
Why? Because they know that if they do that in the United States they’re in deep shit.
And it’s not like our northern neighbors aren’t corrupt, it’s that their corruption doesn’t affect ordinary citizens so directly.
I lived for two years in Texas, and at first I felt like a hot shot and insulted everyone because of the oppressivedamngringos, they call it the land of the free but won’t let you do anything, etc.
I quickly realized that everything there works like clockwork. It’s im-pres-sive. As an example, if you run a light and get pulled over by a cop, don’t even think about asking “What’s up, officer, is there a way to fix this problem outside the court?” because you’ll probably end up in jail instead of court.
Tax collection there does have an impact on public health and schools, on colleges, roads, streetlights and many more services.
So no, we aren’t born like this nor is it ingrained in our DNA. We just know that here in our home, for better or worse, we can do whatever the hell we want, and we can solve anything with threats, influence, a little (or large) bribe, or just by playing the fool.
Because the institutions don’t work.
There’s too many people who don’t pay taxes. Can we blame them? Have you had something taken care of at the Seguro Social? You’ll bleed to death before someone even admits you.
Do your kids attend a public school? God-for-bid. Are the roads and streetlights in your cities terrific? Are you fucking kidding me?
No, no and no. The list could go on with thousands of no’s.
Even if you want to be well-behaved and do stuff without cheating, you’ll realize sooner rather than later that “the system” works better if you take the easier road. As in: the illegal one.
Sad. Very sad.
So if you are one of those who paid off your ex’s lawyer to get a better deal out of the divorce, or don’t pay taxes, or got an innocent joint from someone at the office to have a good time, or benefited from your government’s contractors and built yourself an eight-million-dollar mansion with public funds, you too helped El Chapo build that tunnel.
A tunnel that we know nobody used to escape. We all know that El Chapo left by walking out through the front door, whistling Raphael’s “today is a special day for me, cause I’ll go out at night.”
He managed to do this while unloading cartloads of cash left and right. And nobody was surprised he escaped. It was logical. It’s Mexico.
A Mexico built by you and me.
This, of course, doesn’t make me proud. This is simply a very brief chronicle of this sick country in which we live.
__________
Luis Elizalde is executive vice-president and chief creative officer at the communications and advertising agency, Saatchi & Saatchi México.
By Luis Elizalde
Mexico News Daily
August 28, 2015
I helped El Chapo escape. And you, who is reading this, and you, and you. Yes, this is going to be a radical post, but what do you want? That’s me.
The first time I helped El Chapo was, perhaps, in February 1986 when I finally got my first fake ID and used it to get into the News, a popular disco in El Pedregal, and get blissfully drunk.
The second time was in ’87 when I got my “no-test” driver’s license by paying 300 pesos more, for which, obviously, I received no receipt.
The third was the first time I ran a light and fell back on the proverbial “How can we fix this, officer?” The fourth, when Messrs. Johnnie and Walker helped me pass a remedial geography course with a gift for my dipsomaniac teacher.
And I could continue with countless episodes in which a bribe took place.
The last time I helped him was with his tunnel two weeks ago when a cop pulled me over because my car’s emissions test had expired. I preferred to resolve the matter in a pleasant and friendly manner with two Sor Juanas (200-peso notes), instead of paying the ticket, allowing my car to be towed away and dealing with all the fucking hassle.
You have helped, too, when you double-park “very quickly because you’re only just going close by,” or when you buy pirated movies, or when you bribe the alcohol inspectors because your restaurant’s license has expired and renewing it is a fuss, or you who voted for the PRI, or you who didn’t vote.
It’s a radical point of view, as I said, but I consider it as real as El Chapo’s escape.
My father-in-law used to say that “nobody can get through the three honests:”
You ask someone, “Are you honest?”
And they answer, “Yes.”
You ask again: “Honest, honest?”
And they answer again: “Yes, yes.”
You ask once again: ““Honest, honest, honest?”
And then the person being asked will always say, “Weeelll, I mean, define honest, because, you see . . . .”
And, yeah. Nobody can endure the three honests. It sounds like a joke, but it isn’t. We live in a country in which we are told from childhood that “if you don’t cheat, you don’t get ahead.”
That seems to be the motto. That’s how “the system” works. Alas, it is sometimes cheaper to bribe someone and get things done than become “misterthreehonests,” because in many cases if you want to resolve a bureaucratic procedure, you must bribe someone.
Is it Mexican genetics?
Not at all, and you simply have to cross from Tijuana to Chula Vista to find out. The Mexicans who run lights and leave litter in Baja California are the same as those in California who stop at stop signs, and for whom the idea of spitting chewing gum on the sidewalk never even crosses their minds.
Why? Because they know that if they do that in the United States they’re in deep shit.
And it’s not like our northern neighbors aren’t corrupt, it’s that their corruption doesn’t affect ordinary citizens so directly.
I lived for two years in Texas, and at first I felt like a hot shot and insulted everyone because of the oppressivedamngringos, they call it the land of the free but won’t let you do anything, etc.
I quickly realized that everything there works like clockwork. It’s im-pres-sive. As an example, if you run a light and get pulled over by a cop, don’t even think about asking “What’s up, officer, is there a way to fix this problem outside the court?” because you’ll probably end up in jail instead of court.
Tax collection there does have an impact on public health and schools, on colleges, roads, streetlights and many more services.
So no, we aren’t born like this nor is it ingrained in our DNA. We just know that here in our home, for better or worse, we can do whatever the hell we want, and we can solve anything with threats, influence, a little (or large) bribe, or just by playing the fool.
Because the institutions don’t work.
There’s too many people who don’t pay taxes. Can we blame them? Have you had something taken care of at the Seguro Social? You’ll bleed to death before someone even admits you.
Do your kids attend a public school? God-for-bid. Are the roads and streetlights in your cities terrific? Are you fucking kidding me?
No, no and no. The list could go on with thousands of no’s.
Even if you want to be well-behaved and do stuff without cheating, you’ll realize sooner rather than later that “the system” works better if you take the easier road. As in: the illegal one.
Sad. Very sad.
So if you are one of those who paid off your ex’s lawyer to get a better deal out of the divorce, or don’t pay taxes, or got an innocent joint from someone at the office to have a good time, or benefited from your government’s contractors and built yourself an eight-million-dollar mansion with public funds, you too helped El Chapo build that tunnel.
A tunnel that we know nobody used to escape. We all know that El Chapo left by walking out through the front door, whistling Raphael’s “today is a special day for me, cause I’ll go out at night.”
He managed to do this while unloading cartloads of cash left and right. And nobody was surprised he escaped. It was logical. It’s Mexico.
A Mexico built by you and me.
This, of course, doesn’t make me proud. This is simply a very brief chronicle of this sick country in which we live.
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Luis Elizalde is executive vice-president and chief creative officer at the communications and advertising agency, Saatchi & Saatchi México.
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