The Onion | November 25, 2013
NATANZ, IRAN—Standing in the dim subterranean facility in which he had spent the better part of his peak work years, deeply frustrated Iranian scientist Ali Khatami told reporters today that the recent Iran-U.S. nuclear accords have forced him to shutter the project he has wasted 12 years of his life—12 goddamned years—developing.
“Perfect! Let’s just flush a decade of my life down the drain, then, shall we?” Khatami said as he angrily typed a code into a nearby computer to power down over 8,000 P-2 centrifuges he reportedly squandered countless nights diligently overseeing. “Do those assholes even know how hard it is to enrich uranium? How much I sacrificed? I never married, I’m prematurely gray, and now guess what? The prime of my life is gone forever. Unbelievable. This country’s going to fucking hell, man.”
The nuclear physicist then paused, sighed, and wondered if he might realistically find work in Yemen.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate. He questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg. He asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up, the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret. I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town, and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate. He questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg. He asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up, the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret. I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town, and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
Friday, November 22, 2013
DOCTOR DIAGNOSES EXCRUCIATING PAIN ALL OVER PATIENT’S BODY
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
Thursday, November 21, 2013
WHO SAID MEN DON’T REMEMBER?
Bob and Diane were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed, and as Diane walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that Bob was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Honey, do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes sweetheart, I do remember that jewelry store."
He replied, "Well, I’m having a couple of beers in the bar next door.”
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Honey, do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes sweetheart, I do remember that jewelry store."
He replied, "Well, I’m having a couple of beers in the bar next door.”
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
CANCER RESEARCHERS: ‘DON’T GET CANCER’
Researchers say having cancer is “bad,” and that people should, if possible, not get it
The Onion | November 18, 2013
PHILADELPHIA—Calling the contraction of the disease “not good,” and saying that not having the illness is highly preferable to having it, oncologists representing the American Association for Cancer Research urged the U.S. populace Monday not to get cancer.
The panel, which consisted of medical experts at the top of their respective fields in cancer research, education, surgery, chemotherapy, and radiotherapy, addressed the media for 45 minutes, saying that people’s best hope in terms of living a long, cancer-free life is to never develop cancerous cells in any part of the body, ever.
“After years of closely studying this illness and learning about how it grows and arbitrarily attacks vital organs throughout the body at an uncontrollable rate until one eventually dies, we have concluded that not having cancer is the best way to go,” said Dr. Robert Bertino, who specializes in molecular biology at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. “If you are going to contract a harmful illness, get diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, meningitis, or even Type 2 diabetes. Anything but cancer. Cancer is just the worst.”
“A lot of people die from it,” he added. “It’s bad.”
According to specialists, people should not contract colon cancer, breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, stage IV lung cancer, esophageal cancer, liver cancer, non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, or any one of the roughly 200 other known forms of cancer. In addition, researchers confirmed that if it comes down to having terminal vs. non-terminal cancer, both are undesirable, but non-terminal is recommended.
However, oncologists said that even less threatening forms of the illness, such as non-melanoma skin cancer, should be steered clear of, with Bertino explaining that, “You have the surgery, you think it’s gone, it comes back for some reason, God knows why, and then it spreads to your lymph nodes, and that’s that.”
AACR officials went on to recommend that individuals should avoid having a family history of cancer, and that if people must grow tumors, they should make sure to only develop benign ones.
“When a patient comes in to visit me because they have malignant tissue in their breast or under their arm, the first thing I say is, ‘It would be much better if this hadn’t happened,’” said Dr. Sydney Drysdale, head of oncology at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. “I tell them I have studied this illness for decades, I’m the foremost expert when it comes to the spread of cancer, and then I look them in the eye and say cancer is literally the last thing I’d want in my body. I tell them it’s not a death sentence, but that it certainly could be. It’s cancer. You shouldn’t get it.”
“Sometimes patients will ask about clinical trials and I’ll say clinical trials wouldn’t even be an issue if you hadn’t gotten cancer in the first place,” Drysdale continued. “My best advice: Don’t have abnormal cells that uncontrollably divide and invade other tissues.”
Top cancer researchers throughout the country urged individuals to think of the benefits of not having cancer, such as being alive for a much longer period of time, feeling healthy, not putting your family through what will easily be the most difficult period of their entire lives, never feeling like you’re at the mercy of near impossible and hopeless science, and being able to die of natural causes and not cancer.
Moreover, while 10 out of 10 oncologists recommended never having cancer, 100 percent of people who do not currently have cancer reportedly said they are much happier because of it.
“If I could do it all over again, I would not have gotten cancer,” said 46-year-old Kevin Glanville, who is currently battling chronic myeloid leukemia. “Getting chemotherapy two times per week and constantly feeling weak and nauseous when there is a good chance the treatment won’t even work is much less attractive to me than, say, not dealing with those circumstances.”
“My doctor contacted some colleagues of his who work in the cancer research lab at the Mayo Clinic,” he continued, “and they said that, for the foreseeable future, if there is any way I cannot have cancer anymore I should do that.”
The Onion | November 18, 2013
PHILADELPHIA—Calling the contraction of the disease “not good,” and saying that not having the illness is highly preferable to having it, oncologists representing the American Association for Cancer Research urged the U.S. populace Monday not to get cancer.
The panel, which consisted of medical experts at the top of their respective fields in cancer research, education, surgery, chemotherapy, and radiotherapy, addressed the media for 45 minutes, saying that people’s best hope in terms of living a long, cancer-free life is to never develop cancerous cells in any part of the body, ever.
“After years of closely studying this illness and learning about how it grows and arbitrarily attacks vital organs throughout the body at an uncontrollable rate until one eventually dies, we have concluded that not having cancer is the best way to go,” said Dr. Robert Bertino, who specializes in molecular biology at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. “If you are going to contract a harmful illness, get diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, meningitis, or even Type 2 diabetes. Anything but cancer. Cancer is just the worst.”
“A lot of people die from it,” he added. “It’s bad.”
According to specialists, people should not contract colon cancer, breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, stage IV lung cancer, esophageal cancer, liver cancer, non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, or any one of the roughly 200 other known forms of cancer. In addition, researchers confirmed that if it comes down to having terminal vs. non-terminal cancer, both are undesirable, but non-terminal is recommended.
However, oncologists said that even less threatening forms of the illness, such as non-melanoma skin cancer, should be steered clear of, with Bertino explaining that, “You have the surgery, you think it’s gone, it comes back for some reason, God knows why, and then it spreads to your lymph nodes, and that’s that.”
AACR officials went on to recommend that individuals should avoid having a family history of cancer, and that if people must grow tumors, they should make sure to only develop benign ones.
“When a patient comes in to visit me because they have malignant tissue in their breast or under their arm, the first thing I say is, ‘It would be much better if this hadn’t happened,’” said Dr. Sydney Drysdale, head of oncology at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. “I tell them I have studied this illness for decades, I’m the foremost expert when it comes to the spread of cancer, and then I look them in the eye and say cancer is literally the last thing I’d want in my body. I tell them it’s not a death sentence, but that it certainly could be. It’s cancer. You shouldn’t get it.”
“Sometimes patients will ask about clinical trials and I’ll say clinical trials wouldn’t even be an issue if you hadn’t gotten cancer in the first place,” Drysdale continued. “My best advice: Don’t have abnormal cells that uncontrollably divide and invade other tissues.”
Top cancer researchers throughout the country urged individuals to think of the benefits of not having cancer, such as being alive for a much longer period of time, feeling healthy, not putting your family through what will easily be the most difficult period of their entire lives, never feeling like you’re at the mercy of near impossible and hopeless science, and being able to die of natural causes and not cancer.
Moreover, while 10 out of 10 oncologists recommended never having cancer, 100 percent of people who do not currently have cancer reportedly said they are much happier because of it.
“If I could do it all over again, I would not have gotten cancer,” said 46-year-old Kevin Glanville, who is currently battling chronic myeloid leukemia. “Getting chemotherapy two times per week and constantly feeling weak and nauseous when there is a good chance the treatment won’t even work is much less attractive to me than, say, not dealing with those circumstances.”
“My doctor contacted some colleagues of his who work in the cancer research lab at the Mayo Clinic,” he continued, “and they said that, for the foreseeable future, if there is any way I cannot have cancer anymore I should do that.”
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
IMPRISONED SON MANAGED TO HELP ELDERLY FATHER PLANT HIS TOMATO GARDEN
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police officers arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police officers arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
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