The Onion / February 8, 2013
WASHINGTON—Speaking at a hastily called White House press conference Friday, a visibly tense and perspiring President Barack Obama confessed that the United States’ fleet of roughly 700 armed drones have been conducting airstrikes entirely on their own for the past several years.
“Look, I’m just going to come clean here: Every single U.S. drone currently deployed has been selecting and bombing targets without any guidance from military officials on the ground,” a trembling Obama told reporters, admitting that he last authorized a drone attack in 2010, and that recent strikes in Pakistan, Yemen, and most perplexingly, the Philippines, have been planned and executed entirely by the unmanned combat air vehicles themselves. “I’ll admit that the extensive use of drone aircraft was something my administration readily embraced, but we’ve lost all contact with these things, and as it stands now, we have no idea who or what is controlling them—or if they’re even being controlled at all. Jesus, these things are terrifying. We need to shut them down before it’s too late!”
At press time, all the blood had reportedly drained from Obama’s face and he stood stock-still as a faint whirring noise could be heard high above the White House briefing room.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
ARKANSAS PREACHER DEBUNKS LATEST THEORY ON ORIGIN OF MAN
Says ‘Godless scientists are doing the work of the devil’
The Unconventional Gazette / February 9, 2013
Rev. Stanley Schmaltz, pastor of the Apostles of the Lord Church in Ash Flat, Arkansas, insists that the Book of Genesis is the only authority on the origin of man.
GODLESS SCIENTISTS SAY WHAT?: MAN DESCENDED FROM RAT
By The Reverend Stanley Schmaltz
Apostles of the Lord Church
February 9, 2013
ASH FLAT, ARKANSAS -- On Thursday, The New York Times reported that a team of bible bashing Godless researches led by Dr. Maureen A. O’Leary of Stony Brook University claims that mammals, including man, descended from a small insect-eating animal that existed millions of years ago and resembled a rat. First these heretics claimed that man descended from monkeys, now it’s rats. These ‘scientists’ will stop at nothing to cast doubt on the bible, especially on the Book of Genesis.
Those who doubt the Book of Genesis will surely go to Hell. Man did not descend from monkeys, least of all from a rat. God created the world in six days. On the sixth day the good Lord created Adam and Eve. Here is the honest to God’s truth on the origin of man:
__And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being (Genesis 2:7). And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man (Genesis 2:21,22).
God created man in his own image. Monkeys and now rats ... that’s blasphemy! The world is millions of years old ... that’s absurd! According to biblical scholars, the world is 6,000 years old and that is based on the word of God, not on a bunch of heathen studies.
Stony Brook University? That’s the place which on December 31, 1967 gave birth to the drug addled Yippie movement. Dr. O’Leary and her team must be direct descendants of those brain addled Yippies. That would explain their conclusions about the origin of man.
The Godless scientists are doing the work of the devil. May Dr. O’Leary and her team suffer damnation and forever roast in Hell! Amen!
The Unconventional Gazette / February 9, 2013
Rev. Stanley Schmaltz, pastor of the Apostles of the Lord Church in Ash Flat, Arkansas, insists that the Book of Genesis is the only authority on the origin of man.
GODLESS SCIENTISTS SAY WHAT?: MAN DESCENDED FROM RAT
By The Reverend Stanley Schmaltz
Apostles of the Lord Church
February 9, 2013
ASH FLAT, ARKANSAS -- On Thursday, The New York Times reported that a team of bible bashing Godless researches led by Dr. Maureen A. O’Leary of Stony Brook University claims that mammals, including man, descended from a small insect-eating animal that existed millions of years ago and resembled a rat. First these heretics claimed that man descended from monkeys, now it’s rats. These ‘scientists’ will stop at nothing to cast doubt on the bible, especially on the Book of Genesis.
Those who doubt the Book of Genesis will surely go to Hell. Man did not descend from monkeys, least of all from a rat. God created the world in six days. On the sixth day the good Lord created Adam and Eve. Here is the honest to God’s truth on the origin of man:
__And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being (Genesis 2:7). And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man (Genesis 2:21,22).
God created man in his own image. Monkeys and now rats ... that’s blasphemy! The world is millions of years old ... that’s absurd! According to biblical scholars, the world is 6,000 years old and that is based on the word of God, not on a bunch of heathen studies.
Stony Brook University? That’s the place which on December 31, 1967 gave birth to the drug addled Yippie movement. Dr. O’Leary and her team must be direct descendants of those brain addled Yippies. That would explain their conclusions about the origin of man.
The Godless scientists are doing the work of the devil. May Dr. O’Leary and her team suffer damnation and forever roast in Hell! Amen!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
POSTAL SERVICE: ‘AND WAIT UNTIL YOU COCKSUCKERS SEE WHAT WE DO WITH WEDNESDAYS’
The Onion / February 6, 2013
WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread dissatisfaction regarding the U.S. Postal Service’s newly announced plans to discontinue Saturday mail delivery service, Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahue told reporters this afternoon that the nation had better hold onto their dicks, because they’re going to absolutely lose their shit when they find out what the government agency has in store for Wednesdays.
“You think limited weekend delivery is bad—you assholes don’t even know what’s coming,” said Donahue, adding that Americans will literally shit their pants when the USPS reveals its upcoming fucking insane changes to midweek delivery schedules. “I hate to say it, but you motherfuckers brought this on yourselves. Time and time again we gave you the chance to send letters and parcels via the U.S. Postal Service, but you told us to shove it up our asses, and now you’re fucked.”
Donahue added that if Americans decide to finally nut up and mail some fucking letters, they know where the mailbox is.
WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread dissatisfaction regarding the U.S. Postal Service’s newly announced plans to discontinue Saturday mail delivery service, Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahue told reporters this afternoon that the nation had better hold onto their dicks, because they’re going to absolutely lose their shit when they find out what the government agency has in store for Wednesdays.
“You think limited weekend delivery is bad—you assholes don’t even know what’s coming,” said Donahue, adding that Americans will literally shit their pants when the USPS reveals its upcoming fucking insane changes to midweek delivery schedules. “I hate to say it, but you motherfuckers brought this on yourselves. Time and time again we gave you the chance to send letters and parcels via the U.S. Postal Service, but you told us to shove it up our asses, and now you’re fucked.”
Donahue added that if Americans decide to finally nut up and mail some fucking letters, they know where the mailbox is.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
WOUNDING OF TWO STUDENTS ON SCHOOL GROUNDS EMBOLDENS ANTI-ROP0ERS TO CALL FOR IMMEDIATE CONGRESSIONAL PASSAGE OF ROPE CONTROL
By Bob Walsh
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 5, 2013
Two students at South El Monte High School lost fingers yesterday in a tug-of-war game being done as part of Spirit Week. The rope they were using snapped, taking a finger off of one boy and one girl in the process.
Clearly we need rope control in order to protect our children. If even one child’s fingers can be saved, it will be worth it. I wonder if the rope was registered? Perhaps major stores should be pressured into not selling rope any more due to the obvious danger. Perhaps the possession of rope on or near schools should be restricted.
__________
kl2008a says:
Where’s the Congressional hearings on this matter? In California, the Senate has it scheduled for next week and the ACLU is already preparing a law suit against the school district for allowing “Spirit Week” touting that ANYTHING having to do with spirits is of a religious nature. MADD will be on the 6 o’clock news saying that the school is promoting the underage use of alcoholic beverages by having a “Spirit” Week. Only in California.
__________
The Unconventional Gazette reports:
Sen. Diane Feinstein, D-Calif., announced that the incident at El Monte High School was a tragedy that cannot be ignored. “Today I am introducing a bill to ban rope, “ said Feinstein. “I know this bill faces an uphill struggle, but there are too many ropes in the hands of people, especially children, and now is the time to remedy that.”
The National Rope Association (NRA) has just announced its opposition to any kind of rope control. Wayne La Parrot, executive director of the NRA, says “The Ninth Amendment to the Constitution protects the rights of America’s rope owners and the NRA will vigorously fight any attempt by the advocates of rope control to take our ropes away.”
On Monday, President Obama took his campaign to pass a ban on ropes to Minnesota. Flanked by a bevy of local law enforcement officials at the Minneapolis Police Department Special Operations Center, Obama said that “If we can save just one child from injury by enacting a ban on ropes, then now is the time for us to pass this important piece of legislation.”
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 5, 2013
Two students at South El Monte High School lost fingers yesterday in a tug-of-war game being done as part of Spirit Week. The rope they were using snapped, taking a finger off of one boy and one girl in the process.
Clearly we need rope control in order to protect our children. If even one child’s fingers can be saved, it will be worth it. I wonder if the rope was registered? Perhaps major stores should be pressured into not selling rope any more due to the obvious danger. Perhaps the possession of rope on or near schools should be restricted.
__________
kl2008a says:
Where’s the Congressional hearings on this matter? In California, the Senate has it scheduled for next week and the ACLU is already preparing a law suit against the school district for allowing “Spirit Week” touting that ANYTHING having to do with spirits is of a religious nature. MADD will be on the 6 o’clock news saying that the school is promoting the underage use of alcoholic beverages by having a “Spirit” Week. Only in California.
__________
The Unconventional Gazette reports:
Sen. Diane Feinstein, D-Calif., announced that the incident at El Monte High School was a tragedy that cannot be ignored. “Today I am introducing a bill to ban rope, “ said Feinstein. “I know this bill faces an uphill struggle, but there are too many ropes in the hands of people, especially children, and now is the time to remedy that.”
The National Rope Association (NRA) has just announced its opposition to any kind of rope control. Wayne La Parrot, executive director of the NRA, says “The Ninth Amendment to the Constitution protects the rights of America’s rope owners and the NRA will vigorously fight any attempt by the advocates of rope control to take our ropes away.”
On Monday, President Obama took his campaign to pass a ban on ropes to Minnesota. Flanked by a bevy of local law enforcement officials at the Minneapolis Police Department Special Operations Center, Obama said that “If we can save just one child from injury by enacting a ban on ropes, then now is the time for us to pass this important piece of legislation.”
Monday, February 4, 2013
PHOTO ACTUALLY DOES SHOW PRESIDENT OBAMA SHOOTING SKEET AT CAMP DAVID
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / February 4, 2013
Skepticism has now been dispelled about President Obama firing at skeet while holding his shotgun parallel to the ground.
A Houston police officer just told me he has it on good authority that Obama was shooting skeet, that is he was shooting a Republican named Skeet.
The Unconventional Gazette / February 4, 2013
Skepticism has now been dispelled about President Obama firing at skeet while holding his shotgun parallel to the ground.
A Houston police officer just told me he has it on good authority that Obama was shooting skeet, that is he was shooting a Republican named Skeet.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
FOUR-FLUSHING PHONY SKEET SHOOTER
Obama-with-shotgun photo reminiscent of 1988 Michael Dukakis-in-tank photo
BarkGrowlBite / February 2, 2013
The White House must believe that all of us are either extremely stupid humans or brilliant apes.
President Obama insists that he supports the Second Amendment. During an interview for the New Republic magazine, Franklin Foer asked the president, “Have you ever fired a gun?” Obama answered "Yes, in fact, up at Camp David, we do skeet shooting all the time." To prove his claim, the White House today released a photo showing Obama firing a shotgun.
The photo shows Obama wearing jeans, a dark blue, short-sleeved polo shirt, sunglasses and ear protectors, and firing a shotgun positioned awkwardly high against his left shoulder while holding and firing the gun parallel to the ground. Now I’ve done some skeet shooting myself and I’ve watched professional skeet shooters. I know that I had to angle my shotgun upwards to aim and fire at those elusive skeets as they flew by overhead. The only time I would hold my gun parallel to the ground was to get set for the trap to launch that clay disc.
After seeing the photo I began to suspect that this may very well have been the first time Obama ever fired a gun.
The White House presented the gullible fools among us with a photo of the president firing a shotgun, but the four-flushing phony was definitely not shooting at skeets.
BarkGrowlBite / February 2, 2013
The White House must believe that all of us are either extremely stupid humans or brilliant apes.
President Obama insists that he supports the Second Amendment. During an interview for the New Republic magazine, Franklin Foer asked the president, “Have you ever fired a gun?” Obama answered "Yes, in fact, up at Camp David, we do skeet shooting all the time." To prove his claim, the White House today released a photo showing Obama firing a shotgun.
The photo shows Obama wearing jeans, a dark blue, short-sleeved polo shirt, sunglasses and ear protectors, and firing a shotgun positioned awkwardly high against his left shoulder while holding and firing the gun parallel to the ground. Now I’ve done some skeet shooting myself and I’ve watched professional skeet shooters. I know that I had to angle my shotgun upwards to aim and fire at those elusive skeets as they flew by overhead. The only time I would hold my gun parallel to the ground was to get set for the trap to launch that clay disc.
After seeing the photo I began to suspect that this may very well have been the first time Obama ever fired a gun.
The White House presented the gullible fools among us with a photo of the president firing a shotgun, but the four-flushing phony was definitely not shooting at skeets.
Friday, February 1, 2013
SPEECH BY CALIFORNIA’S GOVERNOR SPOTLIGHTS PRISON INMATE BALDNESS
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 1, 2013
SACRAMENTO -- Climate change has now been added to the list of problems facing the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR), according to Governor Jerry Brown, during a dinner speech given before a group of environmentalists at the Carbon Footprint Symposium, held in Palm Springs this past Tuesday. Citing a recently released scientific study involving inmates at Calipatria and Ironwood State prisons in Southern California, researchers have “demonstrated that a significant increase in unhealthy levels of CO2 (carbon-based) emissions have been rising at alarming levels.” Proponents of climate change have argued for more than a decade that CO2 emissions attribute to erratic changes in weather cycles through the erosion of the ozone layer.
According to Brown, the findings of the study indicate that,”…reflective human epidermal surfaces, absent follicle-based absorbent materials, generate higher levels of hydrothermal energy, which, when unabated, produces CO2 emissions greater than the exhaust of a four-cylinder automobile.” The Governor offered, “This study really has me scratching my head. It clearly states that bald-headed inmates are ruining our atmosphere at an alarming rate.”
Environmental groups were quick to laud the report as a major break-through in identifying culprits in climate change. According to Andrew Summers, a spokesman for Citizen Opposition to Climate Killers, those who “needlessly impact the environment through willful acts of negligence cannot be tolerated, especially through a government-funded entity like the prison system.” Summers demanded an immediate redress of the issue, has been in communication with the Environmental Protection Agency, and threatened to file suit in federal court if the issue was not handled properly by the State.
A spokesperson for the governor’s office was reluctant to offer any specific remedies until the entire report and its ramifications could be considered thoroughly. “The popularity of baldness among the inmate population of the California prison system is well-known. We may have to require inmates to grow their hair back, or resort to requiring inmates wear C02-absorbent caps as part of the prisoner uniform.”
SACRAMENTO -- Climate change has now been added to the list of problems facing the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR), according to Governor Jerry Brown, during a dinner speech given before a group of environmentalists at the Carbon Footprint Symposium, held in Palm Springs this past Tuesday. Citing a recently released scientific study involving inmates at Calipatria and Ironwood State prisons in Southern California, researchers have “demonstrated that a significant increase in unhealthy levels of CO2 (carbon-based) emissions have been rising at alarming levels.” Proponents of climate change have argued for more than a decade that CO2 emissions attribute to erratic changes in weather cycles through the erosion of the ozone layer.
According to Brown, the findings of the study indicate that,”…reflective human epidermal surfaces, absent follicle-based absorbent materials, generate higher levels of hydrothermal energy, which, when unabated, produces CO2 emissions greater than the exhaust of a four-cylinder automobile.” The Governor offered, “This study really has me scratching my head. It clearly states that bald-headed inmates are ruining our atmosphere at an alarming rate.”
Environmental groups were quick to laud the report as a major break-through in identifying culprits in climate change. According to Andrew Summers, a spokesman for Citizen Opposition to Climate Killers, those who “needlessly impact the environment through willful acts of negligence cannot be tolerated, especially through a government-funded entity like the prison system.” Summers demanded an immediate redress of the issue, has been in communication with the Environmental Protection Agency, and threatened to file suit in federal court if the issue was not handled properly by the State.
A spokesperson for the governor’s office was reluctant to offer any specific remedies until the entire report and its ramifications could be considered thoroughly. “The popularity of baldness among the inmate population of the California prison system is well-known. We may have to require inmates to grow their hair back, or resort to requiring inmates wear C02-absorbent caps as part of the prisoner uniform.”
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