The Onion | January 28, 2014
WASHINGTON—While meeting with the official White House invitees to the State of the Union address ahead of tonight’s speech, President Barack Obama reportedly shoved 39-year-old Tulsa-area auto parts store owner Jeff Cavendish into a seat in the Congressional gallery and told him to “just smile and keep [his] fucking mouth shut” for the duration of the night.
“Listen, I’m going to mention your story, the camera’s going to cut to you, Michelle will look your way and give you a supportive nod, and you just sit there with your goddamn trap closed and a big fucking happy grin across your fat face—you think you can handle that?” said Obama, jutting a finger into Cavendish’s sternum and telling him that as long as he kept his ass in the seat and didn’t make a goddamn peep, he couldn’t fuck up too bad. “What’s your name? Greg? Joe? Doesn’t fucking matter. Tonight it’s Greg. You have two kids—Hayley and Blake or something—your wife just took a job as a cashier to make ends meet, and you got a small business loan from the government and it’s working out great. You got all that? Because you better fucking remember whatever I say about you if anyone follows up.”
The president then reportedly told the woman seated next to Cavendish that she “sure as shit” better look sad when he mentions how her mother was deported, as he was going to be “pushing that immigrant shit hard tonight.”
Friday, January 31, 2014
THE RESURRECTION
A Catholic priest was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.
The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took almost 10 minutes for the congregation to stop laughing and settle down so that the priest could continue.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.
The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took almost 10 minutes for the congregation to stop laughing and settle down so that the priest could continue.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
THE OLD COW
Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road and a Limo driving late at night hits it head on and the car comes to a stop.
The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur "You get out and check on that poor cow--you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.
Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there"
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, is hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.
"My God, What Happened to You?" asks the woman.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the beautiful daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.
Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Hillary Clinton's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur "You get out and check on that poor cow--you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.
Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there"
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, is hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.
"My God, What Happened to You?" asks the woman.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the beautiful daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.
Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Hillary Clinton's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
GERMAN MAN DID NOT PAY NEIGHBOR TO SHOOT BLANKS INTO HIS WIFE 72 TIMES, SUES TO GET MONEY BACK
Paid $2,500 to do it, but fails to make his neighbor’s wife pregnant after 72 attempts
In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honorable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant.
It seems taht Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.
So Soupolos, after calming his wife's protests, hired his neighbor, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.
Soupols paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.
When his own wife objected, he explained, "I don't like this any more than you. I'm simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."
When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.
The doctor's announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.
Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refused to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.
EDITOR’S NOTE: While this story is most likely a hoax, I thought it was funny enough to post it anyway.
According to one source, this story had originally started as an article in Jet Magazine, written in 1978. While it doesn't prove that it's not a "hoax", that does help to explain why, even though this story has been repeated countless times on the internet, you will be unable to find anything on Google search relating to the court case.
In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honorable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant.
It seems taht Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.
So Soupolos, after calming his wife's protests, hired his neighbor, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.
Soupols paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.
When his own wife objected, he explained, "I don't like this any more than you. I'm simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."
When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.
The doctor's announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.
Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refused to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.
EDITOR’S NOTE: While this story is most likely a hoax, I thought it was funny enough to post it anyway.
According to one source, this story had originally started as an article in Jet Magazine, written in 1978. While it doesn't prove that it's not a "hoax", that does help to explain why, even though this story has been repeated countless times on the internet, you will be unable to find anything on Google search relating to the court case.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
ORIGIN OF THE WORD ‘OLYMPICS’
By Pamela Putz
In keeping our readers informed on new-found knowledge, here is the origin of the word “Olympics”:
A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on
drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into "Olympics".
In keeping our readers informed on new-found knowledge, here is the origin of the word “Olympics”:
A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on
drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into "Olympics".
MOSES WARNS BURGLAR THAT JESUS IS WATCHING HIM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice .............. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice .............. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Sunday, January 26, 2014
ASPCH SLAMS SHERIFF JOE’S WOMEN CHAIN GANGS
Pictures in the Daily Mai showing Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s women jail inmates chained together digging graves in the desert infuriates the Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Humans
By Adolf der Schweinehund
Life in Shackles: Digging Ditches and Collecting Trash With the Women Prisoners of the Only Female Chain Gang in the Country, an article in Saturday’s issue (updated Sunday) of the Daily Mail, included 30 photos of Maricopa County, Arizona women jail inmates who volunteered to work in chain gangs. The inmates wore horizontally striped white and black uniforms and they were shackled together, each at the left ankle with nine-foot-long chains.
One photo showed them digging a grave in the desert for an unclaimed body. Another showed them clearing scrubland. If an inmate has to pee or poop, they remain chained together while she uses a Waste Management Port-O-Let.
The photos infuriated members of the Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Humans (ASPCH). The human rights group has joined forces with Amnesty International and with Human Rights Watch to condemn Sheriff Arpaio’s use of women chain gangs as inhumane, and to bring him up on Crimes Against Humanity charges.
Marcia Morgenstein, executive director of ASPCH, held a news conference at their San Francisco headquarters in which she charged that even though the women inmates volunteered, the chain gangs clearly constituted cruel and unusual punishment. “The Heinrich Himmler of America should be jailed for intentionally violating the Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution,” said Morgenstein. “We are joining with Amnesty International and with Human Rights Watch to charge Arpaio with Crimes Against Humanity before the International Criminal Court.”
When asked if calling Arpaio the 'Heinrich Himmler of America' wasn't a bit too strong, Morgenstein replied, "Hell no! Himmler ran Nazi Germany's slave labor camps and that is exactly what Arpaio is doing here in the United States."
The Gazette contacted Steven Hawkins, executive director of Amnesty International, at his office. Hawkins confirmed that his organization was joining ASPCH and Human Rights Watch in bringing Arpaio up before the International Criminal Court. “Our members are convinced that Sheriff Arpaio is committing Crimes Against Humanity in his treatment, not only of women jail inmates, but male inmates as well,” said Hawkins. “We will demand that the International Criminal Court issue an arrest warrant for this disgraceful Gestapo-like lawman.”
We were able to contact Kenneth Roth, executive director of Human Rights Watch, in his New York offices. “We are pleased to join with our sister organizations, ASPCH and Amnesty International, in bringing Sheriff Arpaio up on charges before the International Criminal Court,” said Roth. “Not since J. Edgar Hoover has America seen a law enforcement administrator disregard and violate the rights of people to the extent Arpaio has. We are confident that after we present our case, the International Criminal Court will issue an arrest warrant for Mr. Arpaio.”
Brian Fallon, chief spokesman for Attorney General Eric Holder, told The Gazette that the Justice Department considers Sheriff Arpaio a rogue lawman who needs to be removed from office. “Mr. Holder does not believe the women chain gangs are unlawful, but he is looking into the possibility that the hard labor does constitute cruel and unusual punishment,” said Fallon. “If we can establish that is the case, Mr. Holder intends to bring the full weight of the Justice Department to bear down on Sheriff Arpaio.”
We contacted the 80-year-old lawman at his Phoenix office. “It’s the only female chain gang in the world,” Sheriff Joe said proudly. “Started it with men and thought: ‘Why discriminate against women?’ And all those pictures in the Daily Mail, they were made at my invitation … that’s right, I invited the photographer to take them.”
When asked if he was worried about the human rights organizations planning to bring him up on Crimes Against Humanity charges, Arpaio replied, “Me worried? They’re just pissed off that I’m recognized as ‘America’s Toughest Lawman.’ I’ve got Hoder’s Justice Department all over my ass, I’ve been sued dozens of times for all kinds of alleged violations, so I’m supposed to worry about a bunch of liberal bleeding hearts trying to obtain an international arrest warrant on me. You've gotta be kidding. Hell, I’m not about to lose one damn minute of sleep over this.”
By Adolf der Schweinehund
Life in Shackles: Digging Ditches and Collecting Trash With the Women Prisoners of the Only Female Chain Gang in the Country, an article in Saturday’s issue (updated Sunday) of the Daily Mail, included 30 photos of Maricopa County, Arizona women jail inmates who volunteered to work in chain gangs. The inmates wore horizontally striped white and black uniforms and they were shackled together, each at the left ankle with nine-foot-long chains.
One photo showed them digging a grave in the desert for an unclaimed body. Another showed them clearing scrubland. If an inmate has to pee or poop, they remain chained together while she uses a Waste Management Port-O-Let.
The photos infuriated members of the Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Humans (ASPCH). The human rights group has joined forces with Amnesty International and with Human Rights Watch to condemn Sheriff Arpaio’s use of women chain gangs as inhumane, and to bring him up on Crimes Against Humanity charges.
Marcia Morgenstein, executive director of ASPCH, held a news conference at their San Francisco headquarters in which she charged that even though the women inmates volunteered, the chain gangs clearly constituted cruel and unusual punishment. “The Heinrich Himmler of America should be jailed for intentionally violating the Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution,” said Morgenstein. “We are joining with Amnesty International and with Human Rights Watch to charge Arpaio with Crimes Against Humanity before the International Criminal Court.”
When asked if calling Arpaio the 'Heinrich Himmler of America' wasn't a bit too strong, Morgenstein replied, "Hell no! Himmler ran Nazi Germany's slave labor camps and that is exactly what Arpaio is doing here in the United States."
The Gazette contacted Steven Hawkins, executive director of Amnesty International, at his office. Hawkins confirmed that his organization was joining ASPCH and Human Rights Watch in bringing Arpaio up before the International Criminal Court. “Our members are convinced that Sheriff Arpaio is committing Crimes Against Humanity in his treatment, not only of women jail inmates, but male inmates as well,” said Hawkins. “We will demand that the International Criminal Court issue an arrest warrant for this disgraceful Gestapo-like lawman.”
We were able to contact Kenneth Roth, executive director of Human Rights Watch, in his New York offices. “We are pleased to join with our sister organizations, ASPCH and Amnesty International, in bringing Sheriff Arpaio up on charges before the International Criminal Court,” said Roth. “Not since J. Edgar Hoover has America seen a law enforcement administrator disregard and violate the rights of people to the extent Arpaio has. We are confident that after we present our case, the International Criminal Court will issue an arrest warrant for Mr. Arpaio.”
Brian Fallon, chief spokesman for Attorney General Eric Holder, told The Gazette that the Justice Department considers Sheriff Arpaio a rogue lawman who needs to be removed from office. “Mr. Holder does not believe the women chain gangs are unlawful, but he is looking into the possibility that the hard labor does constitute cruel and unusual punishment,” said Fallon. “If we can establish that is the case, Mr. Holder intends to bring the full weight of the Justice Department to bear down on Sheriff Arpaio.”
We contacted the 80-year-old lawman at his Phoenix office. “It’s the only female chain gang in the world,” Sheriff Joe said proudly. “Started it with men and thought: ‘Why discriminate against women?’ And all those pictures in the Daily Mail, they were made at my invitation … that’s right, I invited the photographer to take them.”
When asked if he was worried about the human rights organizations planning to bring him up on Crimes Against Humanity charges, Arpaio replied, “Me worried? They’re just pissed off that I’m recognized as ‘America’s Toughest Lawman.’ I’ve got Hoder’s Justice Department all over my ass, I’ve been sued dozens of times for all kinds of alleged violations, so I’m supposed to worry about a bunch of liberal bleeding hearts trying to obtain an international arrest warrant on me. You've gotta be kidding. Hell, I’m not about to lose one damn minute of sleep over this.”
Saturday, January 25, 2014
WOMAN TAKES A FALL ON HAWAIIAN GOLF COURSE
HONOLULU -- A woman was playing golf near Kailua, Hawaii when she took a big swing and fell.
The party waiting behind her was a group that included vacationing President Obama.
The president quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Barack Obama and I hope you’ll support Obamacare.”
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!!"
The party waiting behind her was a group that included vacationing President Obama.
The president quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Barack Obama and I hope you’ll support Obamacare.”
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!!"
Friday, January 24, 2014
PURCHASE OR LEASE?: COST OF WIFE COMPARED TO COST OF PROSTITUTE
By Pamela Putz
Many people cannot decide which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing. We'd like to help you decide by illustrating the circumstances surrounding two prominent foolish men – Paul McCartney and Eliot Spitzer.
Purchasing
The math on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce was as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5 year relationship it ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per nightly fuck.
Leasing
On the other hand, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's favorite hooker, Ashley Dupré aka Kristen, charged $4,000 per night.
So, had Paul McCartney leased Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night, he would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night. This represents a $41.7 million saving from what it cost him for his romp with Heather. What a shrewd man the former governor is, compared to the aging Beatle.
Further valuable benefits of this leasing option are:
* a (real) 22 year old
* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging
* never a headache
* happily agrees to any sexual intercourse position
* happily agrees to perform any type of sex - oral, anal, S&M, etc.
* no complaining
* no honey-do lists
* best of all, she leaves and returns when asked
And all at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.
Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
Many people cannot decide which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing. We'd like to help you decide by illustrating the circumstances surrounding two prominent foolish men – Paul McCartney and Eliot Spitzer.
Purchasing
The math on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce was as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5 year relationship it ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per nightly fuck.
Leasing
On the other hand, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's favorite hooker, Ashley Dupré aka Kristen, charged $4,000 per night.
So, had Paul McCartney leased Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night, he would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night. This represents a $41.7 million saving from what it cost him for his romp with Heather. What a shrewd man the former governor is, compared to the aging Beatle.
Further valuable benefits of this leasing option are:
* a (real) 22 year old
* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging
* never a headache
* happily agrees to any sexual intercourse position
* happily agrees to perform any type of sex - oral, anal, S&M, etc.
* no complaining
* no honey-do lists
* best of all, she leaves and returns when asked
And all at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.
Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
FLYING MONKEYS AT THE ARMAND BAYOU NATURE CENTER
By BarkGrowlBite
When I was having my teeth cleaned Wednesday, I told the dental technician that I did volunteer work at the Armand Bayou Nature Center. She said that she has been there several times and asked about the monkeys out there.
Monkeys? ABNC has a pair of buffaloes, two hawks, some snakes, turtles, baby alligators, etc. on display. And there is a herd of deer and a bunch of raccoons, rabbits and armadillos running or burrowing around. But there are no monkeys.
When I asked her where she saw the monkeys, she described the hawk enclosure. Holy shit, flying monkeys. My dental technician was either drunk or smoking some funny tobacco during that visit to ABNC. As of today, I’m looking for a new dentist.
When I was having my teeth cleaned Wednesday, I told the dental technician that I did volunteer work at the Armand Bayou Nature Center. She said that she has been there several times and asked about the monkeys out there.
Monkeys? ABNC has a pair of buffaloes, two hawks, some snakes, turtles, baby alligators, etc. on display. And there is a herd of deer and a bunch of raccoons, rabbits and armadillos running or burrowing around. But there are no monkeys.
When I asked her where she saw the monkeys, she described the hawk enclosure. Holy shit, flying monkeys. My dental technician was either drunk or smoking some funny tobacco during that visit to ABNC. As of today, I’m looking for a new dentist.
Monday, January 20, 2014
REPORT: LAKE ICE GROWS SAFER TO VENTURE OUT ON WITH EACH BEER CONSUMED
The Onion | January 20, 2014
MINNEAPOLIS—According to a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Minnesota, the layer of ice atop frozen lakes grows incrementally thicker and safer to venture out onto with each beer that an individual consumes.
“While the surface ice covering a lake may pose a very real hazard of collapsing under the weight of a sober subject, we discovered that this same ice becomes progressively more sturdy with each 12-ounce can of beer that a subject puts back,” said lead researcher Robert Piper, noting that the ice sheets atop lakes, as well as large ponds and certain rivers, could be rendered virtually impervious to cracking beneath a fully grown man provided he has consumed four or more tallboys, regardless of temperature or weather conditions. “Our data clearly show that by collectively finishing a 24-pack of Keystone, Budweiser, or similar American-style lager, ice becomes so safe and stable that a whole group of buddies can walk out onto the lake as far as they want. In fact, you can go ahead and drive a fully loaded truck right on out there, no problem, as long as you and the boys drain a pony keg and the last of the Jack.”
Piper went on to confirm that, even in the highly improbable event that someone who has drunk a sufficient number of beers does happen to fall through the ice, the consumption of such beverages simultaneously heats the frigid subsurface lake water to a temperature at which one can be fully immersed for minutes at a time without any risk of hypothermia.
MINNEAPOLIS—According to a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Minnesota, the layer of ice atop frozen lakes grows incrementally thicker and safer to venture out onto with each beer that an individual consumes.
“While the surface ice covering a lake may pose a very real hazard of collapsing under the weight of a sober subject, we discovered that this same ice becomes progressively more sturdy with each 12-ounce can of beer that a subject puts back,” said lead researcher Robert Piper, noting that the ice sheets atop lakes, as well as large ponds and certain rivers, could be rendered virtually impervious to cracking beneath a fully grown man provided he has consumed four or more tallboys, regardless of temperature or weather conditions. “Our data clearly show that by collectively finishing a 24-pack of Keystone, Budweiser, or similar American-style lager, ice becomes so safe and stable that a whole group of buddies can walk out onto the lake as far as they want. In fact, you can go ahead and drive a fully loaded truck right on out there, no problem, as long as you and the boys drain a pony keg and the last of the Jack.”
Piper went on to confirm that, even in the highly improbable event that someone who has drunk a sufficient number of beers does happen to fall through the ice, the consumption of such beverages simultaneously heats the frigid subsurface lake water to a temperature at which one can be fully immersed for minutes at a time without any risk of hypothermia.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
INTERNET PASSWORD PROBLEM
User: My usual password is not working suddenly. Why?
Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a new one.
User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?
Website: You must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
Website: No, you must get a new one.
User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.
User: OK, roses
Website: Sorry you must use more letters.
User: Pretty roses
Website: You must use at least one number.
User: 1 pretty rose
Website: You cannot use blank spaces.
User: 1prettyrose
Website: You must use additional letters.
User: 1fuckingprettyrose
Website: You must use at least one capital letter.
User: 1FUCKINGprettyrose
Website: You cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
User: 1Fuckingprettyrose
Website: You must use additional letters.
User: 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow
Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.
Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a new one.
User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?
Website: You must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
Website: No, you must get a new one.
User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.
User: OK, roses
Website: Sorry you must use more letters.
User: Pretty roses
Website: You must use at least one number.
User: 1 pretty rose
Website: You cannot use blank spaces.
User: 1prettyrose
Website: You must use additional letters.
User: 1fuckingprettyrose
Website: You must use at least one capital letter.
User: 1FUCKINGprettyrose
Website: You cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
User: 1Fuckingprettyrose
Website: You must use additional letters.
User: 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow
Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
FARTS CAN LEAD TO A VERY STICKY MESS
Especially when Mrs. Brown picks up the wrong 'air freshener.'
From the BBC show Mrs. Brown's Boys.
From the BBC show Mrs. Brown's Boys.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
RECENTLY RETIRED COP RUNS INTO HOMELESS FORMER COP
A newly retired San Francisco cop was walking down the street, on his way to a retired cops breakfast, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for a meal. The retired cop took out his wallet, extracted a twenty dollar bill and asked the guy, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?"
"No, I had to stop drinking many years ago when I was a cop," the homeless man replied.
"You were once a cop?" "Yes," the homeless man replied. "On the force for 12 years, until I was fired for drinking on duty and I lost my retirement after wrecking a patrol car the same day."
“Will you use this $20 to only buy donuts and coffee instead of buying nutritious food?"
"No, I don't waste time with sugary foods," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive and eat as well as I can."
"Will you spend this $20 on greens fees at a golf course instead of good food?"
"Are you nuts?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years since I was fired from the force."
"Will you spend the money on a woman over in the red light Tenderloin District instead of buying good food?"
"What disease would I get for a lousy twenty bucks? I hate whores." exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the retired cop, "I'm not going to give you the money now. Instead, I'm going to take you to a terrific cops breakfast around the corner and get you to tell the retired cops your story, then you get the money."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't these officers be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting, man."
The retired cop replied, "That's okay. It's important for them all to see what a cop looks like after he has given up beer, donuts, golf and sex."
"No, I had to stop drinking many years ago when I was a cop," the homeless man replied.
"You were once a cop?" "Yes," the homeless man replied. "On the force for 12 years, until I was fired for drinking on duty and I lost my retirement after wrecking a patrol car the same day."
“Will you use this $20 to only buy donuts and coffee instead of buying nutritious food?"
"No, I don't waste time with sugary foods," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive and eat as well as I can."
"Will you spend this $20 on greens fees at a golf course instead of good food?"
"Are you nuts?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years since I was fired from the force."
"Will you spend the money on a woman over in the red light Tenderloin District instead of buying good food?"
"What disease would I get for a lousy twenty bucks? I hate whores." exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the retired cop, "I'm not going to give you the money now. Instead, I'm going to take you to a terrific cops breakfast around the corner and get you to tell the retired cops your story, then you get the money."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't these officers be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting, man."
The retired cop replied, "That's okay. It's important for them all to see what a cop looks like after he has given up beer, donuts, golf and sex."
Sunday, January 12, 2014
ONLY A MAN FROM TEXAS CAN MAKE A WOMAN FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stumbled her way up to the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes alive to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment, there was silence.. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped in anticipation...
Then he spoke: "Get me a beer woman, and then iron this fucking shirt!"
One woman lost it completely. She stumbled her way up to the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes alive to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment, there was silence.. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped in anticipation...
Then he spoke: "Get me a beer woman, and then iron this fucking shirt!"
Saturday, January 11, 2014
MARS NOT FOR ASTRONAUTS
Edward Snowden leaks video of disastrous secret NASA manned space mission to Mars
Friday, January 10, 2014
MICHELLE WILL THINK I’VE BEEN IN A WHOREHOUSE
George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”
The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?” Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”
The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?” Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
NEW MEXICO WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER USING S&W REVOLVER AS DILDO (UPDATE)
After arguing about space aliens with her boyfriend, she performs a sex act with the S&W before withdrawing it from her genitals and aiming it pointblank at his head
BarkGrowlBite | January 10, 2013
I also posted this report on PACOVILLA Corrections blog. Thus far there have been three comments made in response. Here they are:
Bob Walsh says: No doubt a very well worn holster.
bulldogger says: I bet that S&W didn’t need any lube.
And this one will be hard to top:
FXSTC1 says: Reliable sources close to the investigation reveal that the alleged weapon was once used by celebrity detective “Dirty Harry” and that medical staff were not surprised to also locate 3 speed loaders and a “throw down” in the before mentioned “holster”.
BarkGrowlBite | January 10, 2013
I also posted this report on PACOVILLA Corrections blog. Thus far there have been three comments made in response. Here they are:
Bob Walsh says: No doubt a very well worn holster.
bulldogger says: I bet that S&W didn’t need any lube.
And this one will be hard to top:
FXSTC1 says: Reliable sources close to the investigation reveal that the alleged weapon was once used by celebrity detective “Dirty Harry” and that medical staff were not surprised to also locate 3 speed loaders and a “throw down” in the before mentioned “holster”.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
ENGLISH PROFESSOR SUDDENLY REALIZES STUDENTS WILL BELIEVE LITERALLY ANYTHING SHE SAYS
The Onion | January 9, 2014
LINCOLN, NE—Midway through her 9 a.m. Intro to American Literature course Thursday, University of Nebraska-Lincoln Professor Elizabeth Mabrey suddenly realized that her students would accept, without question, literally any words that came out of her mouth as absolute, incontrovertible fact, sources confirmed.
“I could say that On the Road was an overt metaphor for the Vietnam War and they would jot it down in their notebooks without any hesitation whatsoever,” said Mabrey, adding that, come midterms, her students will, as if on cue, mindlessly regurgitate whatever she tells them, whether it’s that the character of Dean Moriarty is supposed to be a figment of Sal Paradise’s imagination, or that the entire novel is meant to be read backwards. “I could, honest to God, ask them to tear their copies of the novel in half because that’s what Kerouac ‘intended the reader to do,’ and they would do it. I mean, what are they going to do? Disagree with me?”
Professor Mabrey told reporters she has no plans to abuse her newly discovered power, though she would admittedly reconsider this position if denied tenure.
LINCOLN, NE—Midway through her 9 a.m. Intro to American Literature course Thursday, University of Nebraska-Lincoln Professor Elizabeth Mabrey suddenly realized that her students would accept, without question, literally any words that came out of her mouth as absolute, incontrovertible fact, sources confirmed.
“I could say that On the Road was an overt metaphor for the Vietnam War and they would jot it down in their notebooks without any hesitation whatsoever,” said Mabrey, adding that, come midterms, her students will, as if on cue, mindlessly regurgitate whatever she tells them, whether it’s that the character of Dean Moriarty is supposed to be a figment of Sal Paradise’s imagination, or that the entire novel is meant to be read backwards. “I could, honest to God, ask them to tear their copies of the novel in half because that’s what Kerouac ‘intended the reader to do,’ and they would do it. I mean, what are they going to do? Disagree with me?”
Professor Mabrey told reporters she has no plans to abuse her newly discovered power, though she would admittedly reconsider this position if denied tenure.
NEW MEXICO WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER USING S&W REVOLVER AS DILDO
After arguing about space aliens with her boyfriend, she performs a sex act with the S&W before withdrawing it from her genitals and aiming it pointblank at his head
BarkGrowlBite | January 9, 2014
According to police reports, Jennifer McCarthy, 48, and her boyfriend had an argument about space aliens at their Santa Fe home. She left the house in a huff but returned later and changed into some sexy lingerie. Then she performed a sex act for the boyfriend, using an S&W revolver as a dildo. Shortly thereafter, she withdrew the gun from its ‘holster’ and aimed it pointblank at his head. The boyfriend, who has not been identified, was able to grab the gun and called the cops.
After the cops found Jennifer's 'dildo' in the trash can where her boyfriend had tossed it, the pistol-packing mama was arrested – along with her unique concealed weapon holster – and locked up Saturday morning in Santa Fe’s county pokey, charged with aggravated assault. She has been released on $5,000 bail.
Anybody wanna buy Jennifer’s used holster?
BarkGrowlBite | January 9, 2014
According to police reports, Jennifer McCarthy, 48, and her boyfriend had an argument about space aliens at their Santa Fe home. She left the house in a huff but returned later and changed into some sexy lingerie. Then she performed a sex act for the boyfriend, using an S&W revolver as a dildo. Shortly thereafter, she withdrew the gun from its ‘holster’ and aimed it pointblank at his head. The boyfriend, who has not been identified, was able to grab the gun and called the cops.
After the cops found Jennifer's 'dildo' in the trash can where her boyfriend had tossed it, the pistol-packing mama was arrested – along with her unique concealed weapon holster – and locked up Saturday morning in Santa Fe’s county pokey, charged with aggravated assault. She has been released on $5,000 bail.
Anybody wanna buy Jennifer’s used holster?
WHAT MAKES A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE?: MULTIPLE EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS?
BarkGrowlBite | January 9, 2014
Mark Connolly has been the head minister of the Mission Community Church, a Phoenix suburban mega-church with a congregation of 6,000. Rev. Connolly and his wife Kay have been married for 29 years and have two children. Last year he was the headliner at the Buckhead Church in Atlanta where he hosted a seminar on what makes a successful marriage.
On January 4 and 5, the 6,000 members of the Mission Community Church were informed by other church leaders that the good Rev. Connolly had been fired December 30 for engaging in multiple extramarital affairs with women from the congregation.
I am sure that Mrs. Connolly will be more understanding than the narrow-minded church leaders who fired her husband. It is obvious that the good reverend was merely going the extra mile in fulfilling his ministerial duties by meeting the needs of several ladies in his flock. He should have been praised, not fired. Amen!
Mark Connolly has been the head minister of the Mission Community Church, a Phoenix suburban mega-church with a congregation of 6,000. Rev. Connolly and his wife Kay have been married for 29 years and have two children. Last year he was the headliner at the Buckhead Church in Atlanta where he hosted a seminar on what makes a successful marriage.
On January 4 and 5, the 6,000 members of the Mission Community Church were informed by other church leaders that the good Rev. Connolly had been fired December 30 for engaging in multiple extramarital affairs with women from the congregation.
I am sure that Mrs. Connolly will be more understanding than the narrow-minded church leaders who fired her husband. It is obvious that the good reverend was merely going the extra mile in fulfilling his ministerial duties by meeting the needs of several ladies in his flock. He should have been praised, not fired. Amen!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
IT'S -10 DEGREES IN MINOT, NORTH DAKOTA
By Adolf der Schweinehund
I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Minot, ND. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is 10 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -30. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Minot, ND. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is 10 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -30. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
ESCAPEE TURNS SELF IN TO ESCAPE COLD
BarkGrowlBite | January 8, 2014
Prison escapee Robert Vick wanted back in after spending one night of freedom in freezing temperatures. Vick was serving a six-year sentence for burglary when he escaped Sunday from the minimum security Blackburn Correctional Complex near Lexington, Kentucky.
After spending the night freezing his ass off in a nearby abandoned farm house, he went to a motel Monday morning and asked the manager, "Can you call the law on me?" The authorities who came to place him back in custody took Vick to the University of Kentucky Hospital to be treated for frostbite. His happy thawed-out ass was returned to prison Monday night.
Prison escapee Robert Vick wanted back in after spending one night of freedom in freezing temperatures. Vick was serving a six-year sentence for burglary when he escaped Sunday from the minimum security Blackburn Correctional Complex near Lexington, Kentucky.
After spending the night freezing his ass off in a nearby abandoned farm house, he went to a motel Monday morning and asked the manager, "Can you call the law on me?" The authorities who came to place him back in custody took Vick to the University of Kentucky Hospital to be treated for frostbite. His happy thawed-out ass was returned to prison Monday night.
OBAMA’S AGENDA GEARED TO ACHIEVE LIBERALS’ PARADISE
A Liberal’s paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only Law Enforcement has guns.
And believe it or not, such a place does indeed exist…… It's called prison.
And believe it or not, such a place does indeed exist…… It's called prison.
Monday, January 6, 2014
DESPERATE FOR WATER
A Palestinian terrorist fleeing from Israeli border police was plodding through the Negev desert desperate for water when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack selling neckties.
The Palestinian terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only 20 Shekels."
The Palestinian shouted hysterically, "Idiot pig of a Jew! I do not need any of your over-priced neckties - I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only 20 Shekels."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little Jew neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me an idiot pig of a Jew. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate terrorist staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later the Palestinian terrorist crawled back all but dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack selling neckties.
The Palestinian terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only 20 Shekels."
The Palestinian shouted hysterically, "Idiot pig of a Jew! I do not need any of your over-priced neckties - I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only 20 Shekels."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little Jew neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me an idiot pig of a Jew. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate terrorist staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later the Palestinian terrorist crawled back all but dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”
Friday, January 3, 2014
‘QUAN JUE’: EXECUTION BY DOGS
A Chinese newspaper reports that Kim Jong-Un had his uncle mauled to death by a pack of wild dogs
BarkGrowlBite | January 3, 2014
Hong Kong's Chinese government affiliated newspaper Wen Wei Po has reported that North Korea’s Dear Leader Kim Jong-Un had his uncle Jang Song-Thaek and five close aids executed by throwing them naked into a cage containing a pack of 120 wild dogs which had been starved for three days. The paper reported that it took the dogs more than one hour to complete the task. While executions in North Korea are usually carried out by firing squad, quan jue is supposedly reserved for the most hated persons in the country.
Kim’s uncle and mentor had been tried, convicted and sentenced to death on charges of treason and corruption. The paper reported that Kim personally observed the execution along with 300 senior North Korean officials. (Shades of the Roman Colosseum.)
Now it’s no secret that the North Koreans have been known for their ruthlessness and Dear Leader Kim is sort of an oddball. However, I don’t for one minute believe that Jang met his fate at the teeth of wild dogs. 120 dogs? Bullshit! It would have taken a very sizable enclosure to house those dogs, and by the second day of starvation they would have started tearing each other apart. Shit, they probably would have mauled each other while fully fed.
This report appears to be the collaboration between a Chinese journalist’s figment of imagination and the eagerness of an editor at Wen Wei Po to print a sensational story, probably fueled by their consumption of too much rice wine. I suspect Jang was executed in the traditional North Korean style … by firing squad.
BarkGrowlBite | January 3, 2014
Hong Kong's Chinese government affiliated newspaper Wen Wei Po has reported that North Korea’s Dear Leader Kim Jong-Un had his uncle Jang Song-Thaek and five close aids executed by throwing them naked into a cage containing a pack of 120 wild dogs which had been starved for three days. The paper reported that it took the dogs more than one hour to complete the task. While executions in North Korea are usually carried out by firing squad, quan jue is supposedly reserved for the most hated persons in the country.
Kim’s uncle and mentor had been tried, convicted and sentenced to death on charges of treason and corruption. The paper reported that Kim personally observed the execution along with 300 senior North Korean officials. (Shades of the Roman Colosseum.)
Now it’s no secret that the North Koreans have been known for their ruthlessness and Dear Leader Kim is sort of an oddball. However, I don’t for one minute believe that Jang met his fate at the teeth of wild dogs. 120 dogs? Bullshit! It would have taken a very sizable enclosure to house those dogs, and by the second day of starvation they would have started tearing each other apart. Shit, they probably would have mauled each other while fully fed.
This report appears to be the collaboration between a Chinese journalist’s figment of imagination and the eagerness of an editor at Wen Wei Po to print a sensational story, probably fueled by their consumption of too much rice wine. I suspect Jang was executed in the traditional North Korean style … by firing squad.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
THE AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT (ANAA)
President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other lazy untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin said: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a great salary for doing so."
Senators Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Harry Reid and Dick Durbin are cosponsoring the ANAA legislation in the Senate, while Representatives Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters and Sheila Jackson Lee are cosponsoring it in the House, all with the strong backing of President Obama, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, Governors Jerry ‘Moonbeam’ Brown of California and Andrew Cuomo of New York, Mayors Rahm Emanuel of Chicago and Bill de Blasio of New York, as well as Bill and Hillary Clinton, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other lazy untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin said: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a great salary for doing so."
Senators Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Harry Reid and Dick Durbin are cosponsoring the ANAA legislation in the Senate, while Representatives Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters and Sheila Jackson Lee are cosponsoring it in the House, all with the strong backing of President Obama, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, Governors Jerry ‘Moonbeam’ Brown of California and Andrew Cuomo of New York, Mayors Rahm Emanuel of Chicago and Bill de Blasio of New York, as well as Bill and Hillary Clinton, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.
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