A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over the World, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .
"And how about you, Sarah?"
Little Sarah replies, "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
Saturday, June 29, 2013
GRAFFITI ARTIST COMPLETES MASTERWORK ‘STILL LIFE OF MARIJUANA LEAF’
The Onion / June 28, 2013
BUFFALO, NY—Revealing his most recent offering, which further solidifies his rightful place in the cultural pantheon, local graffiti artist Patrick “Jester” Dunham told reporters Friday that he has at last put the finishing touches on his latest masterwork, “Still Life Of Marijuana Leaf.”
“My newest creation combines the natural and the contrived, the unexpected and the everyday; it represents everything I’ve achieved so far, while also suggesting what exciting frontiers lie ahead,” Dunham said of his towering opus depicting a single monochrome Cannabis frond, which follows the aerosol master’s recent tours de force, ‘Anarchy Symbol,’ ‘Dead Kennedys Logo,’ and ‘Fuck You #8.’
“In my early period, I attempted to merely assimilate the methods of those great virtuosos who came before me, but today I paint solely from within, channeling that deepest part of me and expressing my innermost self on the brick. And I think the intensity of that process comes out in my work.”
Dunham added that those wishing to experience his chef d’oeuvre for themselves may do so by visiting the western exterior of the Exchange Street Amtrak station, where the painting will be displayed alongside the location’s permanent collection of bubble-letter slurs and phalluses.
BUFFALO, NY—Revealing his most recent offering, which further solidifies his rightful place in the cultural pantheon, local graffiti artist Patrick “Jester” Dunham told reporters Friday that he has at last put the finishing touches on his latest masterwork, “Still Life Of Marijuana Leaf.”
“My newest creation combines the natural and the contrived, the unexpected and the everyday; it represents everything I’ve achieved so far, while also suggesting what exciting frontiers lie ahead,” Dunham said of his towering opus depicting a single monochrome Cannabis frond, which follows the aerosol master’s recent tours de force, ‘Anarchy Symbol,’ ‘Dead Kennedys Logo,’ and ‘Fuck You #8.’
“In my early period, I attempted to merely assimilate the methods of those great virtuosos who came before me, but today I paint solely from within, channeling that deepest part of me and expressing my innermost self on the brick. And I think the intensity of that process comes out in my work.”
Dunham added that those wishing to experience his chef d’oeuvre for themselves may do so by visiting the western exterior of the Exchange Street Amtrak station, where the painting will be displayed alongside the location’s permanent collection of bubble-letter slurs and phalluses.
Friday, June 28, 2013
CANADA RELEASES DETAINED TERRORISTS FOR ADOPTION BY LIBERALS WHO FEEL THE DETAINEES ARE BEING MISTREATED
A liberal Canadian woman wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, that we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or 'LARK' for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists to the provinces of Ontario and British Columbia and place them for adoption in homes of concerned citizens such as yours, to be under those citizens’ personal care and supervision. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to arrive at your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.
Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.
You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the Burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, that we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or 'LARK' for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists to the provinces of Ontario and British Columbia and place them for adoption in homes of concerned citizens such as yours, to be under those citizens’ personal care and supervision. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to arrive at your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.
Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.
You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the Burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
Thursday, June 27, 2013
500TH TEXAS EXECUTION CUSTOMER SHOWERED WITH PRIZES
By Pamela Putz
HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Kimberly McCarthy, 52, was convicted in 1997 of killing a 71-year-old retired college professor during a robbery. She was condemned to death for beating the victim with a candelabra and then stabbing her to death with a butcher knife. She also used the knife to dismember the victim’s finger to steal her wedding ring. McCarthy was also indicted but never tried in the 1988 murders of two other women, both in their 80s.
An eleventh hour appeal, which claimed McCarthy did not get a fair trial because blacks were excluded from the jury, did not succeed. Thus she would become the 500th murderer put to death since Texas resumed executions in 1982.
McCarthy was led into the Texas death chamber Wednesday by four guards, a prison chaplain and Warden James Jones. She was strapped onto the execution gurney and the lethal injection needle was inserted into a vein on her left arm.
Suddenly, a whole bunch of colored balloons and streamers dropped from the ceiling with horns blaring from a loudspeaker. A voice from the speaker shouts, ‘Congratulations Kim, you’re a winner as our 500th customer,’ followed by a recording of Barbra Streisand singing ‘Happy Days Are Here Again.’
Warden Jones turned to McCarthy and said, “Congratulations Kim, you’re our 500th customer and we’ve got some great prizes for you.”
Gov. Rick Perry walks into the death chamber and says, “Kim, I’ve never attended an execution before, but this is a special occasion. I want to present you with this framed and personally signed certificate denying you clemency. I may be president one day and if so, my signature could be worth some money. Anyway, I want to give you my heart-felt congratulations on being our lucky 500th customer.”
Warden Jones than says, “Kim, the Disney people want me to give you this life-time pass to Disney World. It’s a free pass that you can use any day of the year and it’s good for the rest of your life.”
Then a large closed-circuit television screen is lowered from the ceiling. Jesse Jackson appears on the screen and says, “Kim, I’m sorry I can’t be with you personally, but I want to let you know that you are the First Runner-Up of the Rainbow/PUSH’s ‘Racist Criminal Justice System Victim of the Year.’ I apologize for not honoring you with the victim of the year award, but I already gave that one to my son, Jesse Jr. Anyway I want you to know that everyone at Rainbow/PUSH is standing side-by-side with you.”
Next, Al Sharpton appears on the screen and says, “Sister Kim, forget that has-been Jesse. I’m proud to announce that you have been awarded the National Action Network’s ‘Racist Criminal Justice System Victim of the Year.’ No first runner-up from us. You’re the one. I know that you will cherish this award forever. Hang in there sister, we won’t let you down 'cause you done made all us black folk proud.”
Warden Jones then says, “Kim, the Carnival Cruise Line people want me to give you this free Luxury Class pass for you and a companion to take a cruise to Tahiti. As a special bonus for being our 500th customer, you and your companion will be seated for dinner at the Captain’s table every evening during your cruise.”
Suddenly Jay-Z and Beyonce enter the death chamber. Beyonce says, “Kim honey, Jay-Z and I are dedicating this song especially to you.” Then they give forth with their duet rendition of ‘Forever Young.’
At the conclusion of the song, with Gov. Perry, Beyonce and Jay-Z standing by while Jackson and Sharpton watched on a split screen of the CCTV, Warden Jones turns to McCarthy and says, “Kim, Before I give the word to start the lethal drug flowing, do you have any last words?”
With the chaplain’s hand on her leg, Kimberly McCarthy, raises her head and says, “I am going home to be with Jesus,” then shouts, “Fuck you all!”
HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Kimberly McCarthy, 52, was convicted in 1997 of killing a 71-year-old retired college professor during a robbery. She was condemned to death for beating the victim with a candelabra and then stabbing her to death with a butcher knife. She also used the knife to dismember the victim’s finger to steal her wedding ring. McCarthy was also indicted but never tried in the 1988 murders of two other women, both in their 80s.
An eleventh hour appeal, which claimed McCarthy did not get a fair trial because blacks were excluded from the jury, did not succeed. Thus she would become the 500th murderer put to death since Texas resumed executions in 1982.
McCarthy was led into the Texas death chamber Wednesday by four guards, a prison chaplain and Warden James Jones. She was strapped onto the execution gurney and the lethal injection needle was inserted into a vein on her left arm.
Suddenly, a whole bunch of colored balloons and streamers dropped from the ceiling with horns blaring from a loudspeaker. A voice from the speaker shouts, ‘Congratulations Kim, you’re a winner as our 500th customer,’ followed by a recording of Barbra Streisand singing ‘Happy Days Are Here Again.’
Warden Jones turned to McCarthy and said, “Congratulations Kim, you’re our 500th customer and we’ve got some great prizes for you.”
Gov. Rick Perry walks into the death chamber and says, “Kim, I’ve never attended an execution before, but this is a special occasion. I want to present you with this framed and personally signed certificate denying you clemency. I may be president one day and if so, my signature could be worth some money. Anyway, I want to give you my heart-felt congratulations on being our lucky 500th customer.”
Warden Jones than says, “Kim, the Disney people want me to give you this life-time pass to Disney World. It’s a free pass that you can use any day of the year and it’s good for the rest of your life.”
Then a large closed-circuit television screen is lowered from the ceiling. Jesse Jackson appears on the screen and says, “Kim, I’m sorry I can’t be with you personally, but I want to let you know that you are the First Runner-Up of the Rainbow/PUSH’s ‘Racist Criminal Justice System Victim of the Year.’ I apologize for not honoring you with the victim of the year award, but I already gave that one to my son, Jesse Jr. Anyway I want you to know that everyone at Rainbow/PUSH is standing side-by-side with you.”
Next, Al Sharpton appears on the screen and says, “Sister Kim, forget that has-been Jesse. I’m proud to announce that you have been awarded the National Action Network’s ‘Racist Criminal Justice System Victim of the Year.’ No first runner-up from us. You’re the one. I know that you will cherish this award forever. Hang in there sister, we won’t let you down 'cause you done made all us black folk proud.”
Warden Jones then says, “Kim, the Carnival Cruise Line people want me to give you this free Luxury Class pass for you and a companion to take a cruise to Tahiti. As a special bonus for being our 500th customer, you and your companion will be seated for dinner at the Captain’s table every evening during your cruise.”
Suddenly Jay-Z and Beyonce enter the death chamber. Beyonce says, “Kim honey, Jay-Z and I are dedicating this song especially to you.” Then they give forth with their duet rendition of ‘Forever Young.’
At the conclusion of the song, with Gov. Perry, Beyonce and Jay-Z standing by while Jackson and Sharpton watched on a split screen of the CCTV, Warden Jones turns to McCarthy and says, “Kim, Before I give the word to start the lethal drug flowing, do you have any last words?”
With the chaplain’s hand on her leg, Kimberly McCarthy, raises her head and says, “I am going home to be with Jesus,” then shouts, “Fuck you all!”
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
ON BECOMING A BAPTIST
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars there take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody’s just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I just joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though."
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars there take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody’s just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I just joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though."
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
GEORGE ZIMMERMAN’S ATTORNEY OPENS SECOND DAY OF TRIAL WITH TRAYVON MARTIN IMPRESSION
The Onion / June 25, 2013
SANFORD, FL—As the trial of former neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman entered its second day this morning, defense attorney Don West reportedly opened his team’s remarks with an extended comic impression of Trayvon Martin, the deceased teen whom his client is accused of murdering in a fatal shooting altercation last year.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’d like you to imagine for a moment that it’s a dark night in Sanford, and my client sees an imposing stranger in an oversized hooded sweatshirt coming towards him—it might go a little something like this,” West said before turning his back to the jury, pulling on a hoodie, grabbing a bag of Skittles and spinning back around to face the court. “Yo, my name’s Trayvon, and I’m here to say/Suckers mess with me, I will make them pay.”
West reportedly concluded his impression with a nearly 10-minute-long freestyle rap, which sources said received no visible reaction from the jury.
SANFORD, FL—As the trial of former neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman entered its second day this morning, defense attorney Don West reportedly opened his team’s remarks with an extended comic impression of Trayvon Martin, the deceased teen whom his client is accused of murdering in a fatal shooting altercation last year.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’d like you to imagine for a moment that it’s a dark night in Sanford, and my client sees an imposing stranger in an oversized hooded sweatshirt coming towards him—it might go a little something like this,” West said before turning his back to the jury, pulling on a hoodie, grabbing a bag of Skittles and spinning back around to face the court. “Yo, my name’s Trayvon, and I’m here to say/Suckers mess with me, I will make them pay.”
West reportedly concluded his impression with a nearly 10-minute-long freestyle rap, which sources said received no visible reaction from the jury.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
‘WHITEY BULGER ORDERED THE MURDER OF 19 PEOPLE,’ REPORTS ANONYMOUS RAT BASTARD
The Onion / June 17, 2013
BOSTON—One week into the criminal trial of alleged mobster James “Whitey” Bulger, reports surfaced Monday that the accused organized crime kingpin ordered the murders of 19 separate people, according to anonymous testimony from a cheese-eating rat bastard who’s about to get what’s coming to him in a big way.
“Though he has so far evaded jail time for his numerous criminal acts, I can confirm that Mr. Bulger personally ordered and in some cases himself carried out the killings of 19 individuals,” said the man who just signed his own death warrant, and who sources very, very close to the situation confirmed better not be thinking about showing his face in Dorchester ever again unless it’s in a fucking casket. “While I am aware that my deposition may draw the unwanted attentions of Mr. Bulger and his associates, I believe that this man must atone for his actions.”
At press time, sources have confirmed that the gutless snitch’s testimony could pose an immediate risk to his, shall we say, livelihood, given Mr. Bulger’s numerous underworld connections, all of whom are reportedly going to find him no matter how far he runs or how much protection the feds say they’re gonna give him.
Recent reports have concluded definitively that Whitey’s got friends all over the world, too, so it don’t matter if this tale-telling bastard is hiding in Brockton or Timbuktu; they’ll sniff his ass out. That’s right, rat. And maybe some of those friends might be sending some guys to tune you up right now. You reading this, you dirty, squeaking rat fuck? If you are, you might want to send a copy of this article to your 9-year-old daughter at Sleepaway Camp over in Sudbury. We got your attention now, you cocksucking fink? Should have thought about that before you decided to try and fuck Whitey.
You don’t fuck Whitey, sources concluded. Whitey fucks you.
BOSTON—One week into the criminal trial of alleged mobster James “Whitey” Bulger, reports surfaced Monday that the accused organized crime kingpin ordered the murders of 19 separate people, according to anonymous testimony from a cheese-eating rat bastard who’s about to get what’s coming to him in a big way.
“Though he has so far evaded jail time for his numerous criminal acts, I can confirm that Mr. Bulger personally ordered and in some cases himself carried out the killings of 19 individuals,” said the man who just signed his own death warrant, and who sources very, very close to the situation confirmed better not be thinking about showing his face in Dorchester ever again unless it’s in a fucking casket. “While I am aware that my deposition may draw the unwanted attentions of Mr. Bulger and his associates, I believe that this man must atone for his actions.”
At press time, sources have confirmed that the gutless snitch’s testimony could pose an immediate risk to his, shall we say, livelihood, given Mr. Bulger’s numerous underworld connections, all of whom are reportedly going to find him no matter how far he runs or how much protection the feds say they’re gonna give him.
Recent reports have concluded definitively that Whitey’s got friends all over the world, too, so it don’t matter if this tale-telling bastard is hiding in Brockton or Timbuktu; they’ll sniff his ass out. That’s right, rat. And maybe some of those friends might be sending some guys to tune you up right now. You reading this, you dirty, squeaking rat fuck? If you are, you might want to send a copy of this article to your 9-year-old daughter at Sleepaway Camp over in Sudbury. We got your attention now, you cocksucking fink? Should have thought about that before you decided to try and fuck Whitey.
You don’t fuck Whitey, sources concluded. Whitey fucks you.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
MARRIAGE IN HEAVEN?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was killed in a car crash.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed some pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? 'What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed.
St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple.
'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'First it was marriage, now you’re asking about a divorce,' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?'
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed some pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? 'What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed.
St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple.
'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'First it was marriage, now you’re asking about a divorce,' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?'
Friday, June 14, 2013
RODEO-POSITION SEX
Two Texas cowhands were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.’ Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.”
One said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.’ Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.”
A WEST VIRGINIA LOVE POEM
Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ‘bout it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half-brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said, There’s trouble still.
You can’t marry Will my gal.
And please don’t tell yo’ mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo’
I know is yo’ half-brother
But mama knew and said, My child,
Just do what makes yo’ happy.
Go marry Will or marry Joe,
'Cause you ain’t no kin to pappy!
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ‘bout it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half-brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said, There’s trouble still.
You can’t marry Will my gal.
And please don’t tell yo’ mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo’
I know is yo’ half-brother
But mama knew and said, My child,
Just do what makes yo’ happy.
Go marry Will or marry Joe,
'Cause you ain’t no kin to pappy!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
PUBLIC LEWDNESS AT GUNS-R-US
By Pamela Putz
The Unconventional Gazette / June 12, 2013
PINEVILLE, W. Va. – Sheriff’s deputies arrested 81-year-old Homer Ferguson for public lewdness at the Guns-R-Us store in Pineville.
A Sheriff's spokesman told The Unconventional Gazette that Ferguson caused a loud disturbance at the checkout stand Monday when he attempted to pay for some gunpowder and ammunition he was purchasing. The gun shop's cashier told the arresting officers that all of a sudden Ferguson up and stripped off his clothing. She said the naked man caused quite a commotion among the store’s other customers.
According to the police report, here is Ferguson’s version:
“I was trying to pay for a can of gun powder and a couple boxes of bullets, but I was having a problem swiping my credit card. Suddenly the cashier told me to ‘Strip down, facing me!’ While making a mental note to complain to my Congressman about our ridiculous gun control laws, I complied with the cashier’s instructions. The cashier screamed, and she kept on screaming, and I noticed people running for the exit. Then the cops came and arrested me. It wasn't until then that I found out the cashier was only telling me how to swipe my credit card.”
During his arraignment Tuesday, Ferguson appeared in court along with the arresting officers and the Guns-R-Us manager and cashier. When Justice of the Peace Caleb McGuire heard Ferguson’s explanation he dismissed the public lewdness charge. Judge McGuire admonished the manager and cashier that they needed to be a lot clearer with their credit card swiping instructions to seniors.
The Guns-R-Us manager told The Unconventional Gazette that he asked Ferguson to shop elsewhere in the future.
Editor’s Note: Had old Homer stripped buck-naked in a store in San Francisco, the cashier would not have screamed and the other customers would have continued shopping, taking hardly any notice. If anything, they would have been pissed-off at an 81-year-old naked geezer for holding up the line at the checkout stand.
The Unconventional Gazette / June 12, 2013
PINEVILLE, W. Va. – Sheriff’s deputies arrested 81-year-old Homer Ferguson for public lewdness at the Guns-R-Us store in Pineville.
A Sheriff's spokesman told The Unconventional Gazette that Ferguson caused a loud disturbance at the checkout stand Monday when he attempted to pay for some gunpowder and ammunition he was purchasing. The gun shop's cashier told the arresting officers that all of a sudden Ferguson up and stripped off his clothing. She said the naked man caused quite a commotion among the store’s other customers.
According to the police report, here is Ferguson’s version:
“I was trying to pay for a can of gun powder and a couple boxes of bullets, but I was having a problem swiping my credit card. Suddenly the cashier told me to ‘Strip down, facing me!’ While making a mental note to complain to my Congressman about our ridiculous gun control laws, I complied with the cashier’s instructions. The cashier screamed, and she kept on screaming, and I noticed people running for the exit. Then the cops came and arrested me. It wasn't until then that I found out the cashier was only telling me how to swipe my credit card.”
During his arraignment Tuesday, Ferguson appeared in court along with the arresting officers and the Guns-R-Us manager and cashier. When Justice of the Peace Caleb McGuire heard Ferguson’s explanation he dismissed the public lewdness charge. Judge McGuire admonished the manager and cashier that they needed to be a lot clearer with their credit card swiping instructions to seniors.
The Guns-R-Us manager told The Unconventional Gazette that he asked Ferguson to shop elsewhere in the future.
Editor’s Note: Had old Homer stripped buck-naked in a store in San Francisco, the cashier would not have screamed and the other customers would have continued shopping, taking hardly any notice. If anything, they would have been pissed-off at an 81-year-old naked geezer for holding up the line at the checkout stand.
THE NOMINEES AND WINNER OF THE 2012 DARWIN AWARDS
THE NOMINEES AND WINNER OF THE 2012 DARWING AWARDS
Nominee No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft.”
Nominee No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4 [UPI, Toronto ]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.
Nominee No. 5 [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6 [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7 [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!! [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his testicles off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
Nominee No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft.”
Nominee No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4 [UPI, Toronto ]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.
Nominee No. 5 [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6 [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7 [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!! [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his testicles off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
LITTLE DARRELL HAS SOME ADVICE FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA
The Unconventional Gazette / June 11, 2013
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in South Carolina, asked the kids and their teachers for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once clap every few seconds, holding the audience spellbound.
Then he said into the microphone, “Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.”
Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the quiet and shouted, "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!”
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in South Carolina, asked the kids and their teachers for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once clap every few seconds, holding the audience spellbound.
Then he said into the microphone, “Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.”
Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the quiet and shouted, "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!”
Sunday, June 9, 2013
GLOBALIZATION EXPLAINED
An explanation of Globalization that our readers will understand
By Adolf der Schweinehund
Question: What is the best definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana’s death.
Question: How in the world can Princess Diana's death define Globalization?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish Whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles, and treated by an American doctor using Brazilian medicines.
This explanation is being reported to you by a German-American using American Bill Gates’ technology. And you’re probably reading this on a Korean monitor with a computer that uses Taiwanese chips, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Malaysian plant, transported by Indian truck drivers to Singapore, and shipped on Filipino crewed Chinese-built container ships that are sometimes attacked by Indonesian pirates. The computers and monitors are unloaded in American ports where half of them are stolen by Sicilian-American gangsters or by African-American longshoremen, and the rest are trucked to you by Mexican illegals ….. that is if they don't get hijacked by Russian mobsters.
And that, dear readers, is Globalization.
By Adolf der Schweinehund
Question: What is the best definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana’s death.
Question: How in the world can Princess Diana's death define Globalization?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish Whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles, and treated by an American doctor using Brazilian medicines.
This explanation is being reported to you by a German-American using American Bill Gates’ technology. And you’re probably reading this on a Korean monitor with a computer that uses Taiwanese chips, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Malaysian plant, transported by Indian truck drivers to Singapore, and shipped on Filipino crewed Chinese-built container ships that are sometimes attacked by Indonesian pirates. The computers and monitors are unloaded in American ports where half of them are stolen by Sicilian-American gangsters or by African-American longshoremen, and the rest are trucked to you by Mexican illegals ….. that is if they don't get hijacked by Russian mobsters.
And that, dear readers, is Globalization.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
STUDY: 83% OF GAMBLERS QUIT RIGHT BEFORE THEY WOULD HAVE HIT THE BIG ONE
A new study says a majority of gamblers walk away from the table right before becoming millionaires
The Onion / June 6, 2013
WASHINGTON—According to a study published Monday in the Journal Of Financial Economics, 83 percent of gamblers quit right before hitting the jackpot and striking it rich.
Lead researcher, Dr. Richard Howe of the University of Chicago, confirmed that 83 percent of gamblers recklessly opted to walk away from blackjack tables, slot machines, roulette wheels, and other games of chance, when they were just one big bet away from winning a massive fortune.
“Our research revealed that the vast majority of gamblers who chose not to continue wagering their money on games of chance would have, in fact, hit the big one on the very next try,” said Howe, who analyzed over 5,000 casual to heavy gamblers for the study. “This was equally true for beginners who quit playing slots after their very first visit to a casino and for high rollers who gave up gambling altogether to avoid financial ruin.”
“These people weren’t only quitters, they were downright fools,” added Howe. “Statistics repeatedly showed that if they had just reached into their wallets one more time, these men and women would have been set for life with more than enough money to pay down debts, create trust funds for their children, and retire from their jobs in ease and comfort.”
Howe told reporters that the majority of gamblers prematurely, and unwisely, choose to stop gambling due to fears of jeopardizing personal relationships, thereby sabotaging any chance at scoring the big bonanza that awaits them on the very next deal. In addition, researchers said that players cleaned up 100 percent of the time when they continued to place bets and ignored any lingering anxieties about accruing insurmountable debt or destroying their kids’ college funds.
The study, which analyzed data collected from major casinos across the country, confirmed that the moment a gambler becomes exasperated and realizes they can’t continue throwing money away is precisely when they should double down and desperately dip into retirement accounts, drain the cash value from life insurance policies, or pawn prized family heirlooms.
Professor James Gordon, who co-authored the study, said that most gamblers make rash decisions to walk away from an electronic gaming device or craps table after losing their last dollar, failing to realize that the odds are overwhelmingly in their favor if they simply overdraft their savings account just one more time.
“What gamblers as a whole need to realize is that, statistically speaking, their fear of going bust is ludicrous and absurd, and they really need to just go for it, and go for it hard—I’m talking all in here,” said Gordon, adding that gamblers could maintain control over their destiny and hit the big one much faster by increasing the frequency and monetary value of wagers. “Because the payoff is just tremendous. Hell, our research shows they’re walking away from the table right when they stand to make millions. Don’t they want to be rich?”
Researchers have also concluded that going all in on red when you’re down to your last few chips is an effective way of earning money 100 percent of the time.
The Onion / June 6, 2013
WASHINGTON—According to a study published Monday in the Journal Of Financial Economics, 83 percent of gamblers quit right before hitting the jackpot and striking it rich.
Lead researcher, Dr. Richard Howe of the University of Chicago, confirmed that 83 percent of gamblers recklessly opted to walk away from blackjack tables, slot machines, roulette wheels, and other games of chance, when they were just one big bet away from winning a massive fortune.
“Our research revealed that the vast majority of gamblers who chose not to continue wagering their money on games of chance would have, in fact, hit the big one on the very next try,” said Howe, who analyzed over 5,000 casual to heavy gamblers for the study. “This was equally true for beginners who quit playing slots after their very first visit to a casino and for high rollers who gave up gambling altogether to avoid financial ruin.”
“These people weren’t only quitters, they were downright fools,” added Howe. “Statistics repeatedly showed that if they had just reached into their wallets one more time, these men and women would have been set for life with more than enough money to pay down debts, create trust funds for their children, and retire from their jobs in ease and comfort.”
Howe told reporters that the majority of gamblers prematurely, and unwisely, choose to stop gambling due to fears of jeopardizing personal relationships, thereby sabotaging any chance at scoring the big bonanza that awaits them on the very next deal. In addition, researchers said that players cleaned up 100 percent of the time when they continued to place bets and ignored any lingering anxieties about accruing insurmountable debt or destroying their kids’ college funds.
The study, which analyzed data collected from major casinos across the country, confirmed that the moment a gambler becomes exasperated and realizes they can’t continue throwing money away is precisely when they should double down and desperately dip into retirement accounts, drain the cash value from life insurance policies, or pawn prized family heirlooms.
Professor James Gordon, who co-authored the study, said that most gamblers make rash decisions to walk away from an electronic gaming device or craps table after losing their last dollar, failing to realize that the odds are overwhelmingly in their favor if they simply overdraft their savings account just one more time.
“What gamblers as a whole need to realize is that, statistically speaking, their fear of going bust is ludicrous and absurd, and they really need to just go for it, and go for it hard—I’m talking all in here,” said Gordon, adding that gamblers could maintain control over their destiny and hit the big one much faster by increasing the frequency and monetary value of wagers. “Because the payoff is just tremendous. Hell, our research shows they’re walking away from the table right when they stand to make millions. Don’t they want to be rich?”
Researchers have also concluded that going all in on red when you’re down to your last few chips is an effective way of earning money 100 percent of the time.
SHAVEN, COLGNED GRANDPA HEADS INTO TOWN TO RAKE IN D-DAY PUSSY
The Onion / June 6, 2013
RICHMOND, VA—After applying several spritzes of cologne to his freshly shaven face, 87-year-old World War II veteran Roger Sarlo confidently left his home Thursday to go reel in some top-shelf D-Day anniversary pussy, the grandfather of five confirmed.
“I have my garrison cap nice and pressed with all the pins on the sides, so now it’s time to head out and get me some of that sweet I-stormed-the-beach-at-Normandy snatch,” said Sarlo, claiming that he expects to be “positively drenched in cooch” by mid-afternoon. “Plus, I dusted off my old military jacket and put my medals right there on the breast pocket. That’s usually guaranteed to get at least one or two pairs of panties sopping.”
At press time, Sarlo was saluting an American flag in a local park and “waiting for the beaver train to come rolling in.”
RICHMOND, VA—After applying several spritzes of cologne to his freshly shaven face, 87-year-old World War II veteran Roger Sarlo confidently left his home Thursday to go reel in some top-shelf D-Day anniversary pussy, the grandfather of five confirmed.
“I have my garrison cap nice and pressed with all the pins on the sides, so now it’s time to head out and get me some of that sweet I-stormed-the-beach-at-Normandy snatch,” said Sarlo, claiming that he expects to be “positively drenched in cooch” by mid-afternoon. “Plus, I dusted off my old military jacket and put my medals right there on the breast pocket. That’s usually guaranteed to get at least one or two pairs of panties sopping.”
At press time, Sarlo was saluting an American flag in a local park and “waiting for the beaver train to come rolling in.”
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
UPON ARRIVAL AT THE PEARLY GATES TO HEAVEN
The Unconventional Gazette / June 4, 2013
All arrivals at the pearly gates to heaven are ushered into an office building for a through bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too. Then I knew she was cheating on me and so I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found the extraordinary strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room. He is still giggling when the third person to arrive that day enters. The clerk apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this. I'm buck-naked hiding in this cedar chest ………."
All arrivals at the pearly gates to heaven are ushered into an office building for a through bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too. Then I knew she was cheating on me and so I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found the extraordinary strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room. He is still giggling when the third person to arrive that day enters. The clerk apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this. I'm buck-naked hiding in this cedar chest ………."
Monday, June 3, 2013
MICHELE BACHMANN FIGURES WHY NOT, INTRODUCES HOMOSEXUAL-BEHEADING BILL
The Onion / May 31, 2013
WASHINGTON—Saying that she’ll be gone soon anyway so she might as well, Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann introduced H.R. 259: The Homosexual Decapitation Act, which would give the United States government legal authority to behead any gay U.S. Citizen.
“I figured, eh, why not; I’m not running for reelection in 2014, I have nothing to lose, and I’ve been sitting on this bill for nearly five years, so what’s it going to hurt to finally throw it into the mix,” Bachmann said of the piece of legislation which, if passed, would create Homosexual Decapitation Centers throughout the country where handcuffed gay people would be taken to have their heads chopped off.
“I’m also planning on introducing a Hang All The Muslims bill, the Abortion Doctor Castration Act, and H.R. 264, which would allow me to rip the throat out of any citizen who doesn’t believe in creationism. Rip it out with my teeth.”
At press time, every new piece of legislation introduced by Bachmann had received more than 10 Republican cosponsors.
WASHINGTON—Saying that she’ll be gone soon anyway so she might as well, Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann introduced H.R. 259: The Homosexual Decapitation Act, which would give the United States government legal authority to behead any gay U.S. Citizen.
“I figured, eh, why not; I’m not running for reelection in 2014, I have nothing to lose, and I’ve been sitting on this bill for nearly five years, so what’s it going to hurt to finally throw it into the mix,” Bachmann said of the piece of legislation which, if passed, would create Homosexual Decapitation Centers throughout the country where handcuffed gay people would be taken to have their heads chopped off.
“I’m also planning on introducing a Hang All The Muslims bill, the Abortion Doctor Castration Act, and H.R. 264, which would allow me to rip the throat out of any citizen who doesn’t believe in creationism. Rip it out with my teeth.”
At press time, every new piece of legislation introduced by Bachmann had received more than 10 Republican cosponsors.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
GENDER-FRIENDLY INSTRUCTIONS FOR NEW DRIVE-THROUGH ATM MACHINES
The Unconventional Gazette / June 1, 2013
New signs in the drive-through lanes of Houston’s Chase Banks read:
“Please note that Chase Bank has installed new drive-through ATM machines enabling our valued customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using our new ATMs are requested to follow the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, easy-to-follow procedures have been developed for both MEN and WOMEN. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”
MEN:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
WOMEN:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
New signs in the drive-through lanes of Houston’s Chase Banks read:
“Please note that Chase Bank has installed new drive-through ATM machines enabling our valued customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using our new ATMs are requested to follow the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, easy-to-follow procedures have been developed for both MEN and WOMEN. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”
MEN:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
WOMEN:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)