One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Saturday, December 28, 2013
WORLDWIDE JEWISH CONSPIRACY WORRIED IT CAME DOWN TOO HARD ON JEFF YESTERDAY
Members of the Semitic cabal that controls all the world’s money express concern that they held back local man Jeff Crawford a little too much on Wednesday
The Onion | December 12, 2013
JEWISH CABAL HEADQUARTERS, JERUSALEM — Saying that they never intended to behave quite so mercilessly, several prominent architects of the global Jewish conspiracy aired their concerns Thursday that they perhaps came down a little too hard on local man Jeff Crawford yesterday.
The Zionist leaders within the international political, banking, and entertainment spheres who together dictate the world’s economy, media, and political structures told reporters that they regretted wielding their enormous influence in order to hinder the unemployed 42-year-old roofer at every turn throughout Wednesday, agreeing that their combined efforts to systematically impede the non-Jewish man’s financial stability, happiness, and general well-being were “a bit much.”
“While it is generally in our best interest to frustrate hardworking Anglo-Saxon Protestants like Jeff at every turn with our extreme wealth and power, I think we definitely went a little overboard on the guy yesterday,” financier Julian Rothschild told reporters from deep within the Semitic cabal’s secret underground headquarters five miles beneath Jerusalem. “Sometimes you just get so caught up in the fervor of working with every Jewish man, woman, and child to prevent the world’s gentiles from ever achieving success that you take things a little too far, and that’s exactly what happened with Jeff yesterday.”
“Everyone feels just awful about it,” Rothschild added.
As characterized by numerous organizers of the massive conspiracy—including Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, banker Paul Warburg III, and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke—Wednesday’s attacks on Crawford were “a bit unfair” to the father of three and lifelong Methodist. Specifically, the conspirators pointed to instances yesterday in which Crawford was fired from a contracting job, had the interest rate on his mortgage raised, and was given false traffic updates by a Jewish-owned radio station, calling these episodes gratuitous and “way over the top, even for us.”
Moreover, members expressed contrition over having ensured that Crawford’s recent loan application with Citibank was rejected yesterday, saying that, other than not being born of the Chosen People, Crawford had done nothing to deserve such harsh persecution.
“We were originally just going to raise the cost of his health care premiums and maybe mess with his credit score a little, but things quickly spiraled out of control,” said noted Elder of Zion Abraham Meyersicht, 102, saying that yesterday’s abuses were all the more excessive in light of the fact that Hollywood’s Jewish overseers had canceled Crawford’s favorite television show earlier this year. “And that thing where we had the police pull him over and give him a huge ticket after we sent a guy to knock out one of his taillights was just adding insult to injury.”
“Jeff is basically a good guy who is just trying to make it in a world being viciously controlled by money-hungry Jews such as myself,” Meyersicht continued. “He didn’t deserve that.”
Given the inordinate trials and tribulations suffered by Crawford over the course of the past 24 hours, several of the global conspirators said that the outright viciousness of their behavior has forced them to reconsider their future plans of adding bogus arrests to the goy’s criminal record, having the city seize his home through eminent domain, and ensuring that his children are denied admission into college.
Indeed, many members of the international Jewish syndicate confirmed that their excessive mistreatment of Crawford has caused them to rethink their overall approach to stymieing the progress of the world’s non-Jews at every opportunity.
“Sure, we control all the wealth and politicians and media outlets and motion picture production studios and courts of law and military arsenals and weather patterns in the world, but that doesn’t mean we need to be so completely cruel in our efforts to ensure that the Jewish people remain atop the social ladder for all eternity,” said Rothschild. “Just mainly cruel should suffice.”
Rothschild added that he and his fellow Jewish collaborators would do their best to make it up to Crawford in the future, but added that they were all going to be pretty busy perpetuating the myth of the Holocaust over the course of the next few months.
The Onion | December 12, 2013
JEWISH CABAL HEADQUARTERS, JERUSALEM — Saying that they never intended to behave quite so mercilessly, several prominent architects of the global Jewish conspiracy aired their concerns Thursday that they perhaps came down a little too hard on local man Jeff Crawford yesterday.
The Zionist leaders within the international political, banking, and entertainment spheres who together dictate the world’s economy, media, and political structures told reporters that they regretted wielding their enormous influence in order to hinder the unemployed 42-year-old roofer at every turn throughout Wednesday, agreeing that their combined efforts to systematically impede the non-Jewish man’s financial stability, happiness, and general well-being were “a bit much.”
“While it is generally in our best interest to frustrate hardworking Anglo-Saxon Protestants like Jeff at every turn with our extreme wealth and power, I think we definitely went a little overboard on the guy yesterday,” financier Julian Rothschild told reporters from deep within the Semitic cabal’s secret underground headquarters five miles beneath Jerusalem. “Sometimes you just get so caught up in the fervor of working with every Jewish man, woman, and child to prevent the world’s gentiles from ever achieving success that you take things a little too far, and that’s exactly what happened with Jeff yesterday.”
“Everyone feels just awful about it,” Rothschild added.
As characterized by numerous organizers of the massive conspiracy—including Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, banker Paul Warburg III, and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke—Wednesday’s attacks on Crawford were “a bit unfair” to the father of three and lifelong Methodist. Specifically, the conspirators pointed to instances yesterday in which Crawford was fired from a contracting job, had the interest rate on his mortgage raised, and was given false traffic updates by a Jewish-owned radio station, calling these episodes gratuitous and “way over the top, even for us.”
Moreover, members expressed contrition over having ensured that Crawford’s recent loan application with Citibank was rejected yesterday, saying that, other than not being born of the Chosen People, Crawford had done nothing to deserve such harsh persecution.
“We were originally just going to raise the cost of his health care premiums and maybe mess with his credit score a little, but things quickly spiraled out of control,” said noted Elder of Zion Abraham Meyersicht, 102, saying that yesterday’s abuses were all the more excessive in light of the fact that Hollywood’s Jewish overseers had canceled Crawford’s favorite television show earlier this year. “And that thing where we had the police pull him over and give him a huge ticket after we sent a guy to knock out one of his taillights was just adding insult to injury.”
“Jeff is basically a good guy who is just trying to make it in a world being viciously controlled by money-hungry Jews such as myself,” Meyersicht continued. “He didn’t deserve that.”
Given the inordinate trials and tribulations suffered by Crawford over the course of the past 24 hours, several of the global conspirators said that the outright viciousness of their behavior has forced them to reconsider their future plans of adding bogus arrests to the goy’s criminal record, having the city seize his home through eminent domain, and ensuring that his children are denied admission into college.
Indeed, many members of the international Jewish syndicate confirmed that their excessive mistreatment of Crawford has caused them to rethink their overall approach to stymieing the progress of the world’s non-Jews at every opportunity.
“Sure, we control all the wealth and politicians and media outlets and motion picture production studios and courts of law and military arsenals and weather patterns in the world, but that doesn’t mean we need to be so completely cruel in our efforts to ensure that the Jewish people remain atop the social ladder for all eternity,” said Rothschild. “Just mainly cruel should suffice.”
Rothschild added that he and his fellow Jewish collaborators would do their best to make it up to Crawford in the future, but added that they were all going to be pretty busy perpetuating the myth of the Holocaust over the course of the next few months.
Friday, December 27, 2013
DER FUHRER CAN'T KEEP HIS DOCTOR UNDER OBAMACARE
Hitler says they can't blame Bush for the cancellation of his insurance and the loss of his doctor, so he blames Ted Cruz.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
CRAIGLIST: LOOKING FOR THE BUDZ?
Grinch cops stole Texas pot entrepreneur's Christmas
BarkGrowlBite | December 26, 2013
Craiglist ad: 420 Connection!! High! Sunny today. I'm here for those looking for the budz , so kind, so green! I'm always Cali-style, fast, easy, friendly and central. Sweet smokie for those reg tokers.
The Austin cops were impressed by the ad. They traced it to 41-year-old Corey Lynn Plumlee and agreed to pay him $220 for a half ounce of pot. Plumlee then met with an undercover cop Monday and they made the transaction. Then a couple of other cops showed up and busted the pot entrepreneur, charging him with delivery of marijuana.
For poor ole Mr. Plumlee, those Austin cops were the Grinch that stole Christmas.
BarkGrowlBite | December 26, 2013
Craiglist ad: 420 Connection!! High! Sunny today. I'm here for those looking for the budz , so kind, so green! I'm always Cali-style, fast, easy, friendly and central. Sweet smokie for those reg tokers.
The Austin cops were impressed by the ad. They traced it to 41-year-old Corey Lynn Plumlee and agreed to pay him $220 for a half ounce of pot. Plumlee then met with an undercover cop Monday and they made the transaction. Then a couple of other cops showed up and busted the pot entrepreneur, charging him with delivery of marijuana.
For poor ole Mr. Plumlee, those Austin cops were the Grinch that stole Christmas.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
CALL 9-1-1, MAN DOWN IN AISLE 5
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.
Reluctantly he takes the beer back and they carry on shopping. A few minutes later in aisle 5, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
That's him flat on his back on the floor in Aisle 5.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.
Reluctantly he takes the beer back and they carry on shopping. A few minutes later in aisle 5, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
That's him flat on his back on the floor in Aisle 5.
DRUNK DRIVER NO. 1 DUMB, NO. 2 DUMBER, NO. 3 DUMBEST
BarkGrowlBite | December 25, 2013
A New Jersey woman arrested for DUI phones a friend to pick her up at the police station. The friend also gets busted for DUI and both call another friend to pick them up. That friend gets busted for DUI as well. One can only describe the three as dumb, dumber and dumbest.
TWO DRIVERS CALLED TO PICK UP DRUNKEN DRIVING SUSPECT IN READINGTON ARE ALSO CHARGED WITH DUI
Hunterdon County Democrat
December 20, 2013
READINGTON TOWNSHIP, N.J. — The arrest of a local woman here on drunken driving charges led to the arrest of both people who went to pick her up at the police station for the same offense, police reported Thursday. Police gave the following account:
The vehicle stop that eventually resulted in three arrests took place Monday, Dec. 16, around 1:45 a.m., when Patrolman Patrick Brown stopped a car for swerving on Route 22 east at Route 523. The vehicle was driven by Carmen Reategui, 34, of Whitehouse Station.
Brown had Reategui perform a series of standardized field sobriety tests, which she failed, police said. Reategui was arrested and taken to headquarters for processing. She ended up charged with driving while under the influence of alcohol, failure to stay in her lane and failure to provide a vehicle insurance card.
Reatequi then called Nina Petracca, 23, of Dunellen for a ride. Once Petracca arrived at the station, Patrolman Peter Serrone started explaining the potential liability form to her.
Petracca said she had driven to headquarters and Serrone noticed that Petracca displayed signs of intoxication so he had her do sobriety tests in the lobby of the building and she failed. Petracca was arrested on a DUI charge and a later search of her purse revealed seven Vicodin in an unlabeled container, police said. She was then also charged with possession of Vicodin and driving while in possession of a controlled dangerous substance.
Later both drivers called Ryan Hogan, 33, of Whitehouse Station for a ride. Once he arrived at the station, Sgt. Carlos Ferreiro asked him how he arrived, and he stated that he drove. As the officer explained the potential liability form to Hogan, Ferreiro detected the odor of alcohol coming from him and noticed that he, too, appeared to be drunk, police said.
After Hogan failed sobriety tests, he was also charged with DWI. All three drivers were later released to a sober adult, police reported. They are set to appear in court in January.
A New Jersey woman arrested for DUI phones a friend to pick her up at the police station. The friend also gets busted for DUI and both call another friend to pick them up. That friend gets busted for DUI as well. One can only describe the three as dumb, dumber and dumbest.
TWO DRIVERS CALLED TO PICK UP DRUNKEN DRIVING SUSPECT IN READINGTON ARE ALSO CHARGED WITH DUI
Hunterdon County Democrat
December 20, 2013
READINGTON TOWNSHIP, N.J. — The arrest of a local woman here on drunken driving charges led to the arrest of both people who went to pick her up at the police station for the same offense, police reported Thursday. Police gave the following account:
The vehicle stop that eventually resulted in three arrests took place Monday, Dec. 16, around 1:45 a.m., when Patrolman Patrick Brown stopped a car for swerving on Route 22 east at Route 523. The vehicle was driven by Carmen Reategui, 34, of Whitehouse Station.
Brown had Reategui perform a series of standardized field sobriety tests, which she failed, police said. Reategui was arrested and taken to headquarters for processing. She ended up charged with driving while under the influence of alcohol, failure to stay in her lane and failure to provide a vehicle insurance card.
Reatequi then called Nina Petracca, 23, of Dunellen for a ride. Once Petracca arrived at the station, Patrolman Peter Serrone started explaining the potential liability form to her.
Petracca said she had driven to headquarters and Serrone noticed that Petracca displayed signs of intoxication so he had her do sobriety tests in the lobby of the building and she failed. Petracca was arrested on a DUI charge and a later search of her purse revealed seven Vicodin in an unlabeled container, police said. She was then also charged with possession of Vicodin and driving while in possession of a controlled dangerous substance.
Later both drivers called Ryan Hogan, 33, of Whitehouse Station for a ride. Once he arrived at the station, Sgt. Carlos Ferreiro asked him how he arrived, and he stated that he drove. As the officer explained the potential liability form to Hogan, Ferreiro detected the odor of alcohol coming from him and noticed that he, too, appeared to be drunk, police said.
After Hogan failed sobriety tests, he was also charged with DWI. All three drivers were later released to a sober adult, police reported. They are set to appear in court in January.
MOST UNUSUAL NHL GOAL OF THE YEAR, IF NOT OF ALL TIME
Phoenix goalie scores Buffalo’s game-winning goal on himself when he backs into the goal with the puck stuck in the back of his pants
BarkGrowlBite | December 25, 2013
In Monday night’s ice hockey game between the Buffalo Sabres and Phoenix Coyotes, the game went into overtime with the score tied at one apiece. With only a little over a minute remaining in the five-minute overtime period, Buffalo players attacked the Phoenix goal. Coyote goalie Mike Smith came out of his goal crease to block a shot by Mark Pysyk of the Sabres.
Pysyk’s shot rebounded up into the air. Smith, having lost sight of the puck, turned around and headed back to the goal when the puck came down and landed in the back of his pants. Not knowing where the puck was, Smith spun around and backed into the goal preparing to defend it in case Buffalo got the puck back.
Unfortunately for Smith, by backing into the goal with the puck stuck in his pants, he scored on himself. Some are calling it a buttgoal. Whatever you want to call it, that goal ended the game with last place Buffalo winning for only the 10th time in 37 games so far this season.
As an avid ice hockey fan I’ve watched hundreds of games. Of course, goalies get scored on all the time and I’ve seen some unusual goals over the years. But this one by Mike Smith has got to be the most unusual goal of the year, if not of all time.
BarkGrowlBite | December 25, 2013
In Monday night’s ice hockey game between the Buffalo Sabres and Phoenix Coyotes, the game went into overtime with the score tied at one apiece. With only a little over a minute remaining in the five-minute overtime period, Buffalo players attacked the Phoenix goal. Coyote goalie Mike Smith came out of his goal crease to block a shot by Mark Pysyk of the Sabres.
Pysyk’s shot rebounded up into the air. Smith, having lost sight of the puck, turned around and headed back to the goal when the puck came down and landed in the back of his pants. Not knowing where the puck was, Smith spun around and backed into the goal preparing to defend it in case Buffalo got the puck back.
Unfortunately for Smith, by backing into the goal with the puck stuck in his pants, he scored on himself. Some are calling it a buttgoal. Whatever you want to call it, that goal ended the game with last place Buffalo winning for only the 10th time in 37 games so far this season.
As an avid ice hockey fan I’ve watched hundreds of games. Of course, goalies get scored on all the time and I’ve seen some unusual goals over the years. But this one by Mike Smith has got to be the most unusual goal of the year, if not of all time.
Monday, December 23, 2013
SPECIAL NAVAL ESCORTS REQUESTED FOR DEBUTANTE BALL
Back when blacks were still segregated in the South, a US Navy cruiser anchored in Gulfport, Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young Southern ladies. I have just one more request: No Jews please.”
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."
"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."
"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Purdue University."
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both physics and chemistry from Stanford University and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."
"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Minnesota and his medical degree is from the University of Pennsylvania. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer and the other ladies in her social circle would be insanely jealous.
At precisely 8:00 p.m. on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer, Captain Goldberg never makes any mistakes."
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young Southern ladies. I have just one more request: No Jews please.”
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."
"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."
"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Purdue University."
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both physics and chemistry from Stanford University and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."
"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Minnesota and his medical degree is from the University of Pennsylvania. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer and the other ladies in her social circle would be insanely jealous.
At precisely 8:00 p.m. on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer, Captain Goldberg never makes any mistakes."
Saturday, December 21, 2013
ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of peckers are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his pecker is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes. The tree is dead and the balls are just ornaments."
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of peckers are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his pecker is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes. The tree is dead and the balls are just ornaments."
Thursday, December 19, 2013
MAN GOES TO SCOTTISH BROTHEL AND ON THREE CONSECUTIVE NIGHTS SPENDS ONE HOUR WITH SUZY AT £5,000 A CRACK
The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie, Scotland and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5,000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her lawyer. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5,000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her lawyer. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
NEW CEO FINDS SLACKER STANDING AMONG WORKERS, FIRES HIM WITH FOUR WEEKS SEVERANCE PAY
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does any one want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does any one want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Friday, December 13, 2013
30-YEAR-OLD HAS EARNED $11 MORE THAN HE WOULD HAVE WITHOUT COLLEGE EDUCATION
The Onion | December 13, 2013
DUBLIN, OH—After accounting for the cost of tuition, four years of lost earning potential, and the minimal increase in salary an undergraduate degree provides, 30-year-old local man Patrick Moorhouse has, at this point in his life, earned $11 more than he would have had he not attended college at all, an independent study confirmed today.
“All told, Patrick’s B.A. in Political Science translates to about $5,000 more in annual wages, but when you account for his student loan payments, including his 6 percent interest rate, his degree from a respected four-year university amounts to slightly more than 10 extra bucks in his wallet,” said researcher Ken Overton, adding that had Moorhouse been accepted to his more prestigious first-choice college, his earnings would have totaled $54 more than if he had never enrolled in higher education. “If Patrick had started working straight out of high school, he would have had slightly fewer job options than he does now, but living at home instead of a dorm or student apartment even just those first two years would have added at least $16,000 in total savings, which pretty much evens things out. All in all, the countless hours Patrick spent stressing about getting into school and then working hard to succeed in college have been more or less a financial wash.”
The study noted, however, that one cannot ever truly put a price on the 12 Post-WWII European History lectures Moorhouse attended junior year.
DUBLIN, OH—After accounting for the cost of tuition, four years of lost earning potential, and the minimal increase in salary an undergraduate degree provides, 30-year-old local man Patrick Moorhouse has, at this point in his life, earned $11 more than he would have had he not attended college at all, an independent study confirmed today.
“All told, Patrick’s B.A. in Political Science translates to about $5,000 more in annual wages, but when you account for his student loan payments, including his 6 percent interest rate, his degree from a respected four-year university amounts to slightly more than 10 extra bucks in his wallet,” said researcher Ken Overton, adding that had Moorhouse been accepted to his more prestigious first-choice college, his earnings would have totaled $54 more than if he had never enrolled in higher education. “If Patrick had started working straight out of high school, he would have had slightly fewer job options than he does now, but living at home instead of a dorm or student apartment even just those first two years would have added at least $16,000 in total savings, which pretty much evens things out. All in all, the countless hours Patrick spent stressing about getting into school and then working hard to succeed in college have been more or less a financial wash.”
The study noted, however, that one cannot ever truly put a price on the 12 Post-WWII European History lectures Moorhouse attended junior year.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
HUSBAND’S SUGGESTION FOR WIFE'S BREAST ENLARGEMENT
Fresh from her shower, Betty stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband Bob that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, Betty fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replied.
She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
Bob is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, Betty fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replied.
She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
Bob is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
GANG OF DOZEN HOME INTRUDERS TRASH THIRD FLOOR APARTMENT, STEAL BLANKET, CURTAINS AND GIANT TEDDY BEAR
The burglars scaled the outside brick wall like a human fly and entered through a kitchen window, then left the same way
BarkGrowlBite | December 11, 2013
The gang emptied the apartment’s refrigerator and trashed the kitchen as they ate most of the food. They also emptied cabinets and drawers, tore up beds and made off with blankets, bed sheets and curtains. One burglar also stole a giant teddy bear. All but one of the thieves did not bother to hide their faces in front of witnesses, the lone exception being one burglar who disguised himself by hiding under one of the curtains as they made their getaway.
There were many witnesses to this crime but they could do nothing because the apartment’s occupants were away at the time. The intruders spent about 30 minutes inside the apartment. Witnesses reported that after they fled the apartment, some of the burglars played with the teddy bear like kids play with a doll. The witnesses also reported that they groomed the teddy bear like a monkey.
After interviewing a number of witnesses, the police now know that the bold burglars were members of the city’s notorious Chacma Gang.
Oh, I forgot to mention that this brazen crime took place recently in Cape Town, South Africa and that the burglars have been identified as a troop of chacma baboons. It turns out that home intrusions by baboons and other monkeys are quite common in South Africa.
BarkGrowlBite | December 11, 2013
The gang emptied the apartment’s refrigerator and trashed the kitchen as they ate most of the food. They also emptied cabinets and drawers, tore up beds and made off with blankets, bed sheets and curtains. One burglar also stole a giant teddy bear. All but one of the thieves did not bother to hide their faces in front of witnesses, the lone exception being one burglar who disguised himself by hiding under one of the curtains as they made their getaway.
There were many witnesses to this crime but they could do nothing because the apartment’s occupants were away at the time. The intruders spent about 30 minutes inside the apartment. Witnesses reported that after they fled the apartment, some of the burglars played with the teddy bear like kids play with a doll. The witnesses also reported that they groomed the teddy bear like a monkey.
After interviewing a number of witnesses, the police now know that the bold burglars were members of the city’s notorious Chacma Gang.
Oh, I forgot to mention that this brazen crime took place recently in Cape Town, South Africa and that the burglars have been identified as a troop of chacma baboons. It turns out that home intrusions by baboons and other monkeys are quite common in South Africa.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
WENDY’S LATEST SPECIALTY: POTCHEESEBURGER
BarkGrowlBite | December 8, 2013
A lady in in Lovejoy, Georgia drove to a local Wendy’s November 1 and ordered a take-out cheeseburger. When she got home, she sat down to eat her burger. At first bite, she smelled a strange odor. She removed the bun off the top of the burger and, to her shocking surprise, discovered a partially smoked blunt on the patty. (For the uninitiated, a blunt is marijuana packed into a hollowed-out cigar.)
After investigating the case of the Potcheeseburger, the Lovejoy cops busted 32-year-old Wendy's employee Amy Elizabeth Seiber and charged her with possession of pot. Seiber admitted the blunt was hers. Wendy’s fired her for serving the new specialty of the house.
A lady in in Lovejoy, Georgia drove to a local Wendy’s November 1 and ordered a take-out cheeseburger. When she got home, she sat down to eat her burger. At first bite, she smelled a strange odor. She removed the bun off the top of the burger and, to her shocking surprise, discovered a partially smoked blunt on the patty. (For the uninitiated, a blunt is marijuana packed into a hollowed-out cigar.)
After investigating the case of the Potcheeseburger, the Lovejoy cops busted 32-year-old Wendy's employee Amy Elizabeth Seiber and charged her with possession of pot. Seiber admitted the blunt was hers. Wendy’s fired her for serving the new specialty of the house.
ELIGIBLE FOR PAROLE IN 2309
On the 20 the anniversary of the Long Island Rail Road massacre this is a reminder that Colin Ferguson, the convicted shooter, will become eligible for parole on August 6, 2309
BarkGrowlBite | December 8, 2013
On December 7, 1993, Colin Ferguson shot six passengers to death and wounded 19 others on a Long Island Rail Road commuter train before he was tackled by three other passengers.
Ferguson acted as his own lawyer during his trial. It doesn’t look as though he defended himself very well. He was sentenced to six consecutive terms of 25 years to life and 50 years for 19 attempted murders.
Ferguson, now 55, is presently serving his sentence of 315 years and 8 months to life at New York’s Upstate Correctional Facility near the Canadian border.
Ferguson will become eligible for parole on August 6, 2309. Please be sure to mark this date on your calendars so that you can write a letter protesting his release on parole to:
New York State Board of Parole
1220 Washington Ave, Building 2
Albany, New York 12226-2050
Although Ferguson has not been a model prisoner – he’s been disciplined for failure to obey orders, violent conduct, harassment, unhygienic acts and rioting – you never know what a parole board might do.
BarkGrowlBite | December 8, 2013
On December 7, 1993, Colin Ferguson shot six passengers to death and wounded 19 others on a Long Island Rail Road commuter train before he was tackled by three other passengers.
Ferguson acted as his own lawyer during his trial. It doesn’t look as though he defended himself very well. He was sentenced to six consecutive terms of 25 years to life and 50 years for 19 attempted murders.
Ferguson, now 55, is presently serving his sentence of 315 years and 8 months to life at New York’s Upstate Correctional Facility near the Canadian border.
Ferguson will become eligible for parole on August 6, 2309. Please be sure to mark this date on your calendars so that you can write a letter protesting his release on parole to:
New York State Board of Parole
1220 Washington Ave, Building 2
Albany, New York 12226-2050
Although Ferguson has not been a model prisoner – he’s been disciplined for failure to obey orders, violent conduct, harassment, unhygienic acts and rioting – you never know what a parole board might do.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
SOME FACTS TO PONDER
By Adolf der Schweinehund
I received the following facts from a reader. True or not, here they are with my comments added:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it! I already have 2 bombs)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay! That’s a good thing!!)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
I received the following facts from a reader. True or not, here they are with my comments added:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it! I already have 2 bombs)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay! That’s a good thing!!)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
Monday, December 2, 2013
LAWSUIT FILED ON BEHALF OF IMPRISONED CHIMPS
Animal rights group asks court to declare a chimpanzee is "a cognitively complex autonomous legal person with the fundamental legal right not to be imprisoned"
No, this is not from The Onion, it’s for real. And I’m one with my cousins, the chimps.
NEW YORK LAWSUIT SEEKS ‘LEGAL PERSONHOOD’ FOR CHIMPANZEES
Thomson/Reuters
December 2, 2013
An animal rights group on Monday filed what it said is the first lawsuit seeking to establish the "legal personhood" of chimpanzees.
The non-profit Nonhuman Rights Project asked a New York state court to declare a 26-year-old chimp named Tommy "a cognitively complex autonomous legal person with the fundamental legal right not to be imprisoned."
The lawsuit seeks a declaration that Tommy's "detention" in a "small, dank, cement cage in a cavernous dark shed" in central New York is unlawful and demands his immediate release to a primate sanctuary.
Chimpanzees "possess complex cognitive abilities that are so strictly protected when they're found in human beings," Steven Wise, the president of Nonhuman Rights Project, told Reuters.
"There's no reason why they should not be protected when they're found in chimpanzees," he added.
The lawsuit on Tommy's behalf is among three the group is filing this week on behalf of four chimps across New York. The other chimps are Kiko, a 26-year-old chimp living on a private property in Niagara Falls, and Hercules and Leo, two young male chimps used in research at Stony Brook University on Long Island, the group said.
Tommy's owners, Patrick and Diane Lavery, and Stony university did not immediately return requests for comment. Kiko's owners could not be reached on Monday.
The Nonhuman Rights Project used its own research to find the chimps, and Wise first visited Tommy in October after reading a local newspaper article about exotic animals kept at the Laverys' used trailer lot in Gloversville, N.Y., about 50 miles northwest of Albany.
"He looked terrible," said Wise, who previously observed healthy, wild chimps in Uganda. "Hey looked like a caged chimpanzee - they don't move, they don't look at you. They look depressed."
The lawsuit states that chimps are entitled to a "fundamental right to bodily liberty," which Wise told Reuters is the basic right to be left alone and not held for entertainment or research.
The lawsuit was filed at "the earliest point at which we have some reasonable chance at winning," said Wise, a well-known animal rights activist and author of books including the 2000 title "Rattling the Cage: Toward Legal Rights for Animals."
"These are the first cases in an open-ended, strategic litigation campaign," he said. "We're just going to keep filing suits."
Nonhuman Rights Project in 2007 began a nationwide search for an optimal venue to file the lawsuits, Wise said. New York was ultimately chosen because of its generally flexible view of requests for a writ of habeas corpus, the centuries-old right in English law to challenge unlawful detention, he said.
David Favre, a professor at Michigan State University College of Law and an expert on animal law, said it is the first habeas petition filed on behalf of an animal.
"The focus here is whether a chimpanzee is a 'person' that has access to these laws," said Favre.
The lawsuits come as medical authorities re-examine the employment of chimpanzees in research in light of new technology that renders the use of chimpanzees less necessary.
In a decision applauded by animal rights groups, the U.S. National Institutes of Health in January said it was reducing its use of chimps in biomedical research, retiring most to sanctuaries. At the time, NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins called chimps "very special animals" that deserve "special consideration."
No, this is not from The Onion, it’s for real. And I’m one with my cousins, the chimps.
NEW YORK LAWSUIT SEEKS ‘LEGAL PERSONHOOD’ FOR CHIMPANZEES
Thomson/Reuters
December 2, 2013
An animal rights group on Monday filed what it said is the first lawsuit seeking to establish the "legal personhood" of chimpanzees.
The non-profit Nonhuman Rights Project asked a New York state court to declare a 26-year-old chimp named Tommy "a cognitively complex autonomous legal person with the fundamental legal right not to be imprisoned."
The lawsuit seeks a declaration that Tommy's "detention" in a "small, dank, cement cage in a cavernous dark shed" in central New York is unlawful and demands his immediate release to a primate sanctuary.
Chimpanzees "possess complex cognitive abilities that are so strictly protected when they're found in human beings," Steven Wise, the president of Nonhuman Rights Project, told Reuters.
"There's no reason why they should not be protected when they're found in chimpanzees," he added.
The lawsuit on Tommy's behalf is among three the group is filing this week on behalf of four chimps across New York. The other chimps are Kiko, a 26-year-old chimp living on a private property in Niagara Falls, and Hercules and Leo, two young male chimps used in research at Stony Brook University on Long Island, the group said.
Tommy's owners, Patrick and Diane Lavery, and Stony university did not immediately return requests for comment. Kiko's owners could not be reached on Monday.
The Nonhuman Rights Project used its own research to find the chimps, and Wise first visited Tommy in October after reading a local newspaper article about exotic animals kept at the Laverys' used trailer lot in Gloversville, N.Y., about 50 miles northwest of Albany.
"He looked terrible," said Wise, who previously observed healthy, wild chimps in Uganda. "Hey looked like a caged chimpanzee - they don't move, they don't look at you. They look depressed."
The lawsuit states that chimps are entitled to a "fundamental right to bodily liberty," which Wise told Reuters is the basic right to be left alone and not held for entertainment or research.
The lawsuit was filed at "the earliest point at which we have some reasonable chance at winning," said Wise, a well-known animal rights activist and author of books including the 2000 title "Rattling the Cage: Toward Legal Rights for Animals."
"These are the first cases in an open-ended, strategic litigation campaign," he said. "We're just going to keep filing suits."
Nonhuman Rights Project in 2007 began a nationwide search for an optimal venue to file the lawsuits, Wise said. New York was ultimately chosen because of its generally flexible view of requests for a writ of habeas corpus, the centuries-old right in English law to challenge unlawful detention, he said.
David Favre, a professor at Michigan State University College of Law and an expert on animal law, said it is the first habeas petition filed on behalf of an animal.
"The focus here is whether a chimpanzee is a 'person' that has access to these laws," said Favre.
The lawsuits come as medical authorities re-examine the employment of chimpanzees in research in light of new technology that renders the use of chimpanzees less necessary.
In a decision applauded by animal rights groups, the U.S. National Institutes of Health in January said it was reducing its use of chimps in biomedical research, retiring most to sanctuaries. At the time, NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins called chimps "very special animals" that deserve "special consideration."
BIZARRE SCI-FI NOVEL POSITS WORLD WHERE NATIVES INHABITED AMERICA BEFORE EUROPEANS
The Onion | December 2, 2013
NEW YORK—In a riveting, if slightly far-fetched, work of alternate history that fans of science fiction are bound to enjoy, author Judith Nies’ novel Native American History: A Chronology Of The Vast Achievements Of A Culture And Their Links To World Events imagines a strange fictional world where, prior to its 15th-century colonization by Europeans, North America was actually inhabited by millions of indigenous peoples.
“Numerous Paleoamerican groups inhabited vast expanses of land along modern-day Canada and the United States as early as 1400 C.E., including what would later become the Navajo, Iroquois, Cherokee, and Ojibwe peoples,” reads an excerpt from Nies’ wildly bizarre science-fiction tale, positing a sweeping alternate reality in which vast tribes of “Native Americans”—each fleshed out with their own names, rich cultural backstories, and even strange foreign languages invented by the author—roamed the Americas for thousands of years before any European explorers set foot on the continent. “These indigenous populations eventually established successful dryland farming practices, allowing for the cultivation of crops in the arid midwest and corn-based agriculture from Mesoamerica. Other tribes, however, lived as nomads, utilizing hunting and gathering methods to survive off the likes of buffalo, elk, deer, and antelope.”
Sources confirmed that science-fiction fans are sure to be especially thrilled by the shocking conclusion to Nies’ expansive sci-fi tale, in which settlers from Europe, upon reaching America, massacre and drastically marginalize these native inhabitants over the next several centuries.
NEW YORK—In a riveting, if slightly far-fetched, work of alternate history that fans of science fiction are bound to enjoy, author Judith Nies’ novel Native American History: A Chronology Of The Vast Achievements Of A Culture And Their Links To World Events imagines a strange fictional world where, prior to its 15th-century colonization by Europeans, North America was actually inhabited by millions of indigenous peoples.
“Numerous Paleoamerican groups inhabited vast expanses of land along modern-day Canada and the United States as early as 1400 C.E., including what would later become the Navajo, Iroquois, Cherokee, and Ojibwe peoples,” reads an excerpt from Nies’ wildly bizarre science-fiction tale, positing a sweeping alternate reality in which vast tribes of “Native Americans”—each fleshed out with their own names, rich cultural backstories, and even strange foreign languages invented by the author—roamed the Americas for thousands of years before any European explorers set foot on the continent. “These indigenous populations eventually established successful dryland farming practices, allowing for the cultivation of crops in the arid midwest and corn-based agriculture from Mesoamerica. Other tribes, however, lived as nomads, utilizing hunting and gathering methods to survive off the likes of buffalo, elk, deer, and antelope.”
Sources confirmed that science-fiction fans are sure to be especially thrilled by the shocking conclusion to Nies’ expansive sci-fi tale, in which settlers from Europe, upon reaching America, massacre and drastically marginalize these native inhabitants over the next several centuries.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
MOTHER SUPERIOR’S DEATH BED WISDOM
The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.
Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with humility, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.
Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with humility, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
Saturday, November 30, 2013
HIGHWAY TO WORK NEITHER STRAIGHT NOR NARROW
By Bob Walsh
PACOVILLA Corrections blog
November 30, 2013
The city of Oakland, CA. has a program called Highway To Work. It is run by the city and by Alameda County and provides, at least in theory, a work program for “young criminal offenders.”
The city is pulling out of the program and will reevaluate it after Christian Leonard, 19, was busted on the program with a gun (for protection) and some coke for sale (his “regular” job is a street pharmaceutical salesman). Leonard was in the program as a weed abatement worker for the Public Works Agency.
Christian had a semi-auto with the serial numbers filed off and 17 twists of coke on him when he was arrested. His most recent prior beef was carrying a gun. I guess selling drugs pays better, and is more emotionally rewarding, than $10 an hour weedwacking.
PACOVILLA Corrections blog
November 30, 2013
The city of Oakland, CA. has a program called Highway To Work. It is run by the city and by Alameda County and provides, at least in theory, a work program for “young criminal offenders.”
The city is pulling out of the program and will reevaluate it after Christian Leonard, 19, was busted on the program with a gun (for protection) and some coke for sale (his “regular” job is a street pharmaceutical salesman). Leonard was in the program as a weed abatement worker for the Public Works Agency.
Christian had a semi-auto with the serial numbers filed off and 17 twists of coke on him when he was arrested. His most recent prior beef was carrying a gun. I guess selling drugs pays better, and is more emotionally rewarding, than $10 an hour weedwacking.
IRONY LESSONS FOR THE DAY
Irony 1
We are told not to judge all Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics.
Then on the other hand, we are also expected to judge all Gun Owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Irony 2
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever ... to 47.5 million people, according to the most recent figures released in April 2013.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."
Irony 3
Actor Paul Walker and co-star Vin Diesel starred in six Fast and Furious movies and have been working on a seventh one. In the films they were driving different makes of cars at breakneck speeds and survived spectacular crashes with nary a scratch.
In real life, Paul Walker died about 3:30 p.m. today as a passenger in a 2005 Porsche Carrera GT that was speeding in Valencia, California when it crashed into a light pole and tree and burst into flames. Death for both occupants was fast and furious.
Thus ends today's lessons in irony.
We are told not to judge all Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics.
Then on the other hand, we are also expected to judge all Gun Owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Irony 2
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever ... to 47.5 million people, according to the most recent figures released in April 2013.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."
Irony 3
Actor Paul Walker and co-star Vin Diesel starred in six Fast and Furious movies and have been working on a seventh one. In the films they were driving different makes of cars at breakneck speeds and survived spectacular crashes with nary a scratch.
In real life, Paul Walker died about 3:30 p.m. today as a passenger in a 2005 Porsche Carrera GT that was speeding in Valencia, California when it crashed into a light pole and tree and burst into flames. Death for both occupants was fast and furious.
Thus ends today's lessons in irony.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
TOM AND MAUREEN OGLETHORPE’S PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED
During a Sunday morning church service, the Baptist preacher asked if anyone in the congregation would like to bear witness for answered prayers.
Maureen Oglethorpe stood and walked to the pulpit. She said, "I can bear witness. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if surgery would succeed in restoring the crushed scrotum."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced with his crushed balls.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him unbearable pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom's balls.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thanks to the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely. Praise the Lord, our prayers were answered."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The preacher rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the pulpit.
He said, "I'm Tom Oglethorpe."
The entire congregation held its collective breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Maureen Oglethorpe stood and walked to the pulpit. She said, "I can bear witness. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if surgery would succeed in restoring the crushed scrotum."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced with his crushed balls.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him unbearable pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom's balls.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thanks to the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely. Praise the Lord, our prayers were answered."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The preacher rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the pulpit.
He said, "I'm Tom Oglethorpe."
The entire congregation held its collective breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
SOME FACTS OF LIFE
Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
FRUSTRATED IRANIAN SCIENTIST FORCED TO SHUT DOWN PROJECT HE SPENT 12 GODDAMN YEARS OF HIS LIFE ON
The Onion | November 25, 2013
NATANZ, IRAN—Standing in the dim subterranean facility in which he had spent the better part of his peak work years, deeply frustrated Iranian scientist Ali Khatami told reporters today that the recent Iran-U.S. nuclear accords have forced him to shutter the project he has wasted 12 years of his life—12 goddamned years—developing.
“Perfect! Let’s just flush a decade of my life down the drain, then, shall we?” Khatami said as he angrily typed a code into a nearby computer to power down over 8,000 P-2 centrifuges he reportedly squandered countless nights diligently overseeing. “Do those assholes even know how hard it is to enrich uranium? How much I sacrificed? I never married, I’m prematurely gray, and now guess what? The prime of my life is gone forever. Unbelievable. This country’s going to fucking hell, man.”
The nuclear physicist then paused, sighed, and wondered if he might realistically find work in Yemen.
NATANZ, IRAN—Standing in the dim subterranean facility in which he had spent the better part of his peak work years, deeply frustrated Iranian scientist Ali Khatami told reporters today that the recent Iran-U.S. nuclear accords have forced him to shutter the project he has wasted 12 years of his life—12 goddamned years—developing.
“Perfect! Let’s just flush a decade of my life down the drain, then, shall we?” Khatami said as he angrily typed a code into a nearby computer to power down over 8,000 P-2 centrifuges he reportedly squandered countless nights diligently overseeing. “Do those assholes even know how hard it is to enrich uranium? How much I sacrificed? I never married, I’m prematurely gray, and now guess what? The prime of my life is gone forever. Unbelievable. This country’s going to fucking hell, man.”
The nuclear physicist then paused, sighed, and wondered if he might realistically find work in Yemen.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate. He questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg. He asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up, the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret. I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town, and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate. He questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg. He asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up, the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret. I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town, and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
Friday, November 22, 2013
DOCTOR DIAGNOSES EXCRUCIATING PAIN ALL OVER PATIENT’S BODY
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
Thursday, November 21, 2013
WHO SAID MEN DON’T REMEMBER?
Bob and Diane were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed, and as Diane walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that Bob was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Honey, do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes sweetheart, I do remember that jewelry store."
He replied, "Well, I’m having a couple of beers in the bar next door.”
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Honey, do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes sweetheart, I do remember that jewelry store."
He replied, "Well, I’m having a couple of beers in the bar next door.”
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
CANCER RESEARCHERS: ‘DON’T GET CANCER’
Researchers say having cancer is “bad,” and that people should, if possible, not get it
The Onion | November 18, 2013
PHILADELPHIA—Calling the contraction of the disease “not good,” and saying that not having the illness is highly preferable to having it, oncologists representing the American Association for Cancer Research urged the U.S. populace Monday not to get cancer.
The panel, which consisted of medical experts at the top of their respective fields in cancer research, education, surgery, chemotherapy, and radiotherapy, addressed the media for 45 minutes, saying that people’s best hope in terms of living a long, cancer-free life is to never develop cancerous cells in any part of the body, ever.
“After years of closely studying this illness and learning about how it grows and arbitrarily attacks vital organs throughout the body at an uncontrollable rate until one eventually dies, we have concluded that not having cancer is the best way to go,” said Dr. Robert Bertino, who specializes in molecular biology at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. “If you are going to contract a harmful illness, get diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, meningitis, or even Type 2 diabetes. Anything but cancer. Cancer is just the worst.”
“A lot of people die from it,” he added. “It’s bad.”
According to specialists, people should not contract colon cancer, breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, stage IV lung cancer, esophageal cancer, liver cancer, non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, or any one of the roughly 200 other known forms of cancer. In addition, researchers confirmed that if it comes down to having terminal vs. non-terminal cancer, both are undesirable, but non-terminal is recommended.
However, oncologists said that even less threatening forms of the illness, such as non-melanoma skin cancer, should be steered clear of, with Bertino explaining that, “You have the surgery, you think it’s gone, it comes back for some reason, God knows why, and then it spreads to your lymph nodes, and that’s that.”
AACR officials went on to recommend that individuals should avoid having a family history of cancer, and that if people must grow tumors, they should make sure to only develop benign ones.
“When a patient comes in to visit me because they have malignant tissue in their breast or under their arm, the first thing I say is, ‘It would be much better if this hadn’t happened,’” said Dr. Sydney Drysdale, head of oncology at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. “I tell them I have studied this illness for decades, I’m the foremost expert when it comes to the spread of cancer, and then I look them in the eye and say cancer is literally the last thing I’d want in my body. I tell them it’s not a death sentence, but that it certainly could be. It’s cancer. You shouldn’t get it.”
“Sometimes patients will ask about clinical trials and I’ll say clinical trials wouldn’t even be an issue if you hadn’t gotten cancer in the first place,” Drysdale continued. “My best advice: Don’t have abnormal cells that uncontrollably divide and invade other tissues.”
Top cancer researchers throughout the country urged individuals to think of the benefits of not having cancer, such as being alive for a much longer period of time, feeling healthy, not putting your family through what will easily be the most difficult period of their entire lives, never feeling like you’re at the mercy of near impossible and hopeless science, and being able to die of natural causes and not cancer.
Moreover, while 10 out of 10 oncologists recommended never having cancer, 100 percent of people who do not currently have cancer reportedly said they are much happier because of it.
“If I could do it all over again, I would not have gotten cancer,” said 46-year-old Kevin Glanville, who is currently battling chronic myeloid leukemia. “Getting chemotherapy two times per week and constantly feeling weak and nauseous when there is a good chance the treatment won’t even work is much less attractive to me than, say, not dealing with those circumstances.”
“My doctor contacted some colleagues of his who work in the cancer research lab at the Mayo Clinic,” he continued, “and they said that, for the foreseeable future, if there is any way I cannot have cancer anymore I should do that.”
The Onion | November 18, 2013
PHILADELPHIA—Calling the contraction of the disease “not good,” and saying that not having the illness is highly preferable to having it, oncologists representing the American Association for Cancer Research urged the U.S. populace Monday not to get cancer.
The panel, which consisted of medical experts at the top of their respective fields in cancer research, education, surgery, chemotherapy, and radiotherapy, addressed the media for 45 minutes, saying that people’s best hope in terms of living a long, cancer-free life is to never develop cancerous cells in any part of the body, ever.
“After years of closely studying this illness and learning about how it grows and arbitrarily attacks vital organs throughout the body at an uncontrollable rate until one eventually dies, we have concluded that not having cancer is the best way to go,” said Dr. Robert Bertino, who specializes in molecular biology at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. “If you are going to contract a harmful illness, get diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, meningitis, or even Type 2 diabetes. Anything but cancer. Cancer is just the worst.”
“A lot of people die from it,” he added. “It’s bad.”
According to specialists, people should not contract colon cancer, breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, stage IV lung cancer, esophageal cancer, liver cancer, non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, or any one of the roughly 200 other known forms of cancer. In addition, researchers confirmed that if it comes down to having terminal vs. non-terminal cancer, both are undesirable, but non-terminal is recommended.
However, oncologists said that even less threatening forms of the illness, such as non-melanoma skin cancer, should be steered clear of, with Bertino explaining that, “You have the surgery, you think it’s gone, it comes back for some reason, God knows why, and then it spreads to your lymph nodes, and that’s that.”
AACR officials went on to recommend that individuals should avoid having a family history of cancer, and that if people must grow tumors, they should make sure to only develop benign ones.
“When a patient comes in to visit me because they have malignant tissue in their breast or under their arm, the first thing I say is, ‘It would be much better if this hadn’t happened,’” said Dr. Sydney Drysdale, head of oncology at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. “I tell them I have studied this illness for decades, I’m the foremost expert when it comes to the spread of cancer, and then I look them in the eye and say cancer is literally the last thing I’d want in my body. I tell them it’s not a death sentence, but that it certainly could be. It’s cancer. You shouldn’t get it.”
“Sometimes patients will ask about clinical trials and I’ll say clinical trials wouldn’t even be an issue if you hadn’t gotten cancer in the first place,” Drysdale continued. “My best advice: Don’t have abnormal cells that uncontrollably divide and invade other tissues.”
Top cancer researchers throughout the country urged individuals to think of the benefits of not having cancer, such as being alive for a much longer period of time, feeling healthy, not putting your family through what will easily be the most difficult period of their entire lives, never feeling like you’re at the mercy of near impossible and hopeless science, and being able to die of natural causes and not cancer.
Moreover, while 10 out of 10 oncologists recommended never having cancer, 100 percent of people who do not currently have cancer reportedly said they are much happier because of it.
“If I could do it all over again, I would not have gotten cancer,” said 46-year-old Kevin Glanville, who is currently battling chronic myeloid leukemia. “Getting chemotherapy two times per week and constantly feeling weak and nauseous when there is a good chance the treatment won’t even work is much less attractive to me than, say, not dealing with those circumstances.”
“My doctor contacted some colleagues of his who work in the cancer research lab at the Mayo Clinic,” he continued, “and they said that, for the foreseeable future, if there is any way I cannot have cancer anymore I should do that.”
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
IMPRISONED SON MANAGED TO HELP ELDERLY FATHER PLANT HIS TOMATO GARDEN
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police officers arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police officers arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Monday, November 11, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
OBAMA WOULD HAVE BEEN ‘BETTER OFF SMOKING CRACK THAN PASSING OBAMACARE’
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, by now you should know that Toronto’s mayor, Rob Ford, has been under withering fire for admittedly smoking crack cocaine and for going on explosive drunken rants. Even though a majority of Toronto residents are calling for his resignation, Ford’s approval rating actually went up.
Jay Leno had some fun tying together Obamacare, the movie ‘Gravity’ and the poll numbers on President Obama and Mayor Ford. Here is what Jay Leno had to say on Wednesday’s NBC Tonight Show:
“And President Obama saw gravity today – not the film, his poll numbers. Not good. Latest polls show President Obama’s approval rating down to 39 percent. And Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s approval rating went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He’s better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare – would have been up 10 points.”
Jay Leno had some fun tying together Obamacare, the movie ‘Gravity’ and the poll numbers on President Obama and Mayor Ford. Here is what Jay Leno had to say on Wednesday’s NBC Tonight Show:
“And President Obama saw gravity today – not the film, his poll numbers. Not good. Latest polls show President Obama’s approval rating down to 39 percent. And Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s approval rating went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He’s better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare – would have been up 10 points.”
TRAFFIC STOP FROM HELL LEADS TO DIGITAL ANAL SEARCHES, ENEMAS AND COLONOSCOPY
New Mexico cops and doctors subjected a minor traffic violator to two digital anal exams, three enemas and a colonoscopy, all because he clenched his butt when he was stopped
BarkGrowlBite | November 10, 2013
I’ll bet the lawsuit is going to cost the authorities, doctors and hospital a ton of money. What in the hell were those idiots thinking? They better avoid a trial and get out of Dodge while they can by settling this fiasco out of court.
4 ON YOUR SIDE INVESTIGATES TRAFFIC STOP NIGHTMARE
This 4 On Your Side investigation looks into the actions of police officers and doctors in Southern New Mexico
By Chris Ramirez
KOB Eyewitness News 4
November 5, 2013
A review of medical records, police reports and a federal lawsuit show deputies with the Hidalgo County Sheriff's Office, police officers with the City of Deming and medical professionals at the Gila Regional Medical Center made some questionable decisions.
The incident began January 2, 2013 after David Eckert finished shopping at the Wal-Mart in Deming. According to a federal lawsuit, Eckert didn't make a complete stop at a stop sign coming out of the parking lot and was immediately stopped by law enforcement.
Eckert's attorney, Shannon Kennedy, said in an interview with KOB that after law enforcement asked him to step out of the vehicle, he appeared to be clenching his buttocks. Law enforcement thought that was probable cause to suspect that Eckert was hiding narcotics in his anal cavity. While officers detained Eckert, they secured a search warrant from a judge that allowed for an anal cavity search.
The lawsuit claims that Deming Police tried taking Eckert to an emergency room in Deming, but a doctor there refused to perform the anal cavity search citing it was "unethical."
But physicians at the Gila Regional Medical Center in Silver City agreed to perform the procedure and a few hours later, Eckert was admitted.
What Happened
While there, Eckert was subjected to repeated and humiliating forced medical procedures. A review of Eckert's medical records, which he released to KOB, and details in the lawsuit show the following happened:
1. Eckert's abdominal area was x-rayed; no narcotics were found.
2. Doctors then performed an exam of Eckert's anus with their fingers; no narcotics were found.
3. Doctors performed a second exam of Eckert's anus with their fingers; no narcotics were found.
4. Doctors penetrated Eckert's anus to insert an enema. Eckert was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers. Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool. No narcotics were found.
5. Doctors penetrated Eckert's anus to insert an enema a second time. Eckert was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers. Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool. No narcotics were found.
6. Doctors penetrated Eckert's anus to insert an enema a third time. Eckert was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers. Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool. No narcotics were found.
7. Doctors then x-rayed Eckert again; no narcotics were found.
8. Doctors prepared Eckert for surgery, sedated him, and then performed a colonoscopy where a scope with a camera was inserted into Eckert's anus, rectum, colon, and large intestines. No narcotics were found.
Throughout this ordeal, Eckert protested and never gave doctors at the Gila Regional Medical Center consent to perform any of these medical procedures.
"If the officers in Hidalgo County and the City of Deming are seeking warrants for anal cavity searches based on how they're standing and the warrant allows doctors at the Gila Hospital of Horrors to go in and do enemas and colonoscopies without consent, then anyone can be seized and that's why the public needs to know about this," Kennedy said.
Search Warrant Concerns
There are major concerns about the way the search warrant was carried out. Kennedy argues that the search warrant was overly broad and lacked probable cause. But beyond that, the warrant was only valid in Luna County, where Deming is located. The Gila Regional Medical Center is in Grant County. That means all of the medical procedures were performed illegally and the doctors who performed the procedures did so with no legal basis and no consent from the patient.
In addition, even if the search warrant was executed in the correct New Mexico county, the warrant expired at 10 p.m. Medical records show the prepping for the colonoscopy started at 1 a.m. the following day, three hours after the warrant expired.
"This is like something out of a science fiction film, anal probing by government officials and public employees," Kennedy said.
No Comment
KOB reached out to the attorneys representing the defendants in the lawsuit and all declined to comment on the situation. The attorneys said it's their personal policy not comment on pending litigation.
4 On Your Side Investigative Reporter Chris Ramirez cornered Deming Police Chief Brandon Gigante.
"As the police chief what reassurances could you give people when they come through your town that they won't be violated or abused by your police officers?" Ramirez asked Chief Gigante.
"We follow the law in every aspect and we follow policies and protocols that we have in place," Chief Gigante replied.
"Do you think those officers in this particular case did that?" Ramirez asked.
Gigante didn't answer, instead he referred Ramirez to his attorney.
The Lawsuit
David Eckert is suing The City of Deming and Deming Police Officers Bobby Orosco, Robert Chavez and Officer Hernandez.
Eckert is also suing Hidalgo County Hidalgo County Deputies David Arredondo, Robert Rodriguez and Patrick Green.
Eckert is also suing Deputy District Attorney Daniel Dougherty and the Gila Regional Medical Center including Robert Wilcox, M.D and Okay Odocha, M.D.
BarkGrowlBite | November 10, 2013
I’ll bet the lawsuit is going to cost the authorities, doctors and hospital a ton of money. What in the hell were those idiots thinking? They better avoid a trial and get out of Dodge while they can by settling this fiasco out of court.
4 ON YOUR SIDE INVESTIGATES TRAFFIC STOP NIGHTMARE
This 4 On Your Side investigation looks into the actions of police officers and doctors in Southern New Mexico
By Chris Ramirez
KOB Eyewitness News 4
November 5, 2013
A review of medical records, police reports and a federal lawsuit show deputies with the Hidalgo County Sheriff's Office, police officers with the City of Deming and medical professionals at the Gila Regional Medical Center made some questionable decisions.
The incident began January 2, 2013 after David Eckert finished shopping at the Wal-Mart in Deming. According to a federal lawsuit, Eckert didn't make a complete stop at a stop sign coming out of the parking lot and was immediately stopped by law enforcement.
Eckert's attorney, Shannon Kennedy, said in an interview with KOB that after law enforcement asked him to step out of the vehicle, he appeared to be clenching his buttocks. Law enforcement thought that was probable cause to suspect that Eckert was hiding narcotics in his anal cavity. While officers detained Eckert, they secured a search warrant from a judge that allowed for an anal cavity search.
The lawsuit claims that Deming Police tried taking Eckert to an emergency room in Deming, but a doctor there refused to perform the anal cavity search citing it was "unethical."
But physicians at the Gila Regional Medical Center in Silver City agreed to perform the procedure and a few hours later, Eckert was admitted.
What Happened
While there, Eckert was subjected to repeated and humiliating forced medical procedures. A review of Eckert's medical records, which he released to KOB, and details in the lawsuit show the following happened:
1. Eckert's abdominal area was x-rayed; no narcotics were found.
2. Doctors then performed an exam of Eckert's anus with their fingers; no narcotics were found.
3. Doctors performed a second exam of Eckert's anus with their fingers; no narcotics were found.
4. Doctors penetrated Eckert's anus to insert an enema. Eckert was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers. Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool. No narcotics were found.
5. Doctors penetrated Eckert's anus to insert an enema a second time. Eckert was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers. Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool. No narcotics were found.
6. Doctors penetrated Eckert's anus to insert an enema a third time. Eckert was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers. Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool. No narcotics were found.
7. Doctors then x-rayed Eckert again; no narcotics were found.
8. Doctors prepared Eckert for surgery, sedated him, and then performed a colonoscopy where a scope with a camera was inserted into Eckert's anus, rectum, colon, and large intestines. No narcotics were found.
Throughout this ordeal, Eckert protested and never gave doctors at the Gila Regional Medical Center consent to perform any of these medical procedures.
"If the officers in Hidalgo County and the City of Deming are seeking warrants for anal cavity searches based on how they're standing and the warrant allows doctors at the Gila Hospital of Horrors to go in and do enemas and colonoscopies without consent, then anyone can be seized and that's why the public needs to know about this," Kennedy said.
Search Warrant Concerns
There are major concerns about the way the search warrant was carried out. Kennedy argues that the search warrant was overly broad and lacked probable cause. But beyond that, the warrant was only valid in Luna County, where Deming is located. The Gila Regional Medical Center is in Grant County. That means all of the medical procedures were performed illegally and the doctors who performed the procedures did so with no legal basis and no consent from the patient.
In addition, even if the search warrant was executed in the correct New Mexico county, the warrant expired at 10 p.m. Medical records show the prepping for the colonoscopy started at 1 a.m. the following day, three hours after the warrant expired.
"This is like something out of a science fiction film, anal probing by government officials and public employees," Kennedy said.
No Comment
KOB reached out to the attorneys representing the defendants in the lawsuit and all declined to comment on the situation. The attorneys said it's their personal policy not comment on pending litigation.
4 On Your Side Investigative Reporter Chris Ramirez cornered Deming Police Chief Brandon Gigante.
"As the police chief what reassurances could you give people when they come through your town that they won't be violated or abused by your police officers?" Ramirez asked Chief Gigante.
"We follow the law in every aspect and we follow policies and protocols that we have in place," Chief Gigante replied.
"Do you think those officers in this particular case did that?" Ramirez asked.
Gigante didn't answer, instead he referred Ramirez to his attorney.
The Lawsuit
David Eckert is suing The City of Deming and Deming Police Officers Bobby Orosco, Robert Chavez and Officer Hernandez.
Eckert is also suing Hidalgo County Hidalgo County Deputies David Arredondo, Robert Rodriguez and Patrick Green.
Eckert is also suing Deputy District Attorney Daniel Dougherty and the Gila Regional Medical Center including Robert Wilcox, M.D and Okay Odocha, M.D.
Friday, November 8, 2013
MANAGING TO PLAY GOLF ON CHRISTMAS MORNING
A long-time foursome was playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says, "Well my wife is at home admiring her new Mercedes, reading the driver’s manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the foursome who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense just to play golf this morning. When I got up, I slapped my wife on the ass and said, "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf. And she said, "Take a sweater."
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says, "Well my wife is at home admiring her new Mercedes, reading the driver’s manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the foursome who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense just to play golf this morning. When I got up, I slapped my wife on the ass and said, "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf. And she said, "Take a sweater."
Thursday, November 7, 2013
NATION NOT ABOUT TO START GIVING A SHIT ABOUT CANADIAN POLITICS
The Onion | November 6, 2013
WASHINGTON—Despite Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s recent controversial admission to having smoked crack cocaine, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that, Rob Ford or no Rob Ford, there’s just no way they’re about to start giving a shit about Canadian politics—no way in hell.
“Yeah, sorry, not happening,” said 37-year-old Harrisburg, PA resident Daniel Cooke, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who told reporters they will continue happily ignoring any and all stories about the Canadian government, the politics of Canada, or scandals involving Canadian politicians. “Frankly, that guy could have been having sex with an underage boy in the middle of a parliament meeting or whatever the hell they have over there and I still wouldn’t give a shit. I don’t know or care to know who he is, where he’s from, or what he did. What I do know is that if you think I’m going to start paying attention to what’s going on with politics in Toronto or Nova Scotia or Ontario City or wherever the fuck then you’re going to be very disappointed.”
The U.S. populace went on to confirm that, unless Martin Short were to somehow be elected prime minister, their interest level in Canadian politics would remain at this level indefinitely.
WASHINGTON—Despite Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s recent controversial admission to having smoked crack cocaine, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that, Rob Ford or no Rob Ford, there’s just no way they’re about to start giving a shit about Canadian politics—no way in hell.
“Yeah, sorry, not happening,” said 37-year-old Harrisburg, PA resident Daniel Cooke, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who told reporters they will continue happily ignoring any and all stories about the Canadian government, the politics of Canada, or scandals involving Canadian politicians. “Frankly, that guy could have been having sex with an underage boy in the middle of a parliament meeting or whatever the hell they have over there and I still wouldn’t give a shit. I don’t know or care to know who he is, where he’s from, or what he did. What I do know is that if you think I’m going to start paying attention to what’s going on with politics in Toronto or Nova Scotia or Ontario City or wherever the fuck then you’re going to be very disappointed.”
The U.S. populace went on to confirm that, unless Martin Short were to somehow be elected prime minister, their interest level in Canadian politics would remain at this level indefinitely.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
DEFINITION OF POLITICS
From the Smothers Brothers:
I looked up the word politics. It comes from the Greek word poly, meaning many, and tics, meaning bloodsucking parasites.
I looked up the word politics. It comes from the Greek word poly, meaning many, and tics, meaning bloodsucking parasites.
Friday, November 1, 2013
THIEF FINGERED BY FINGER
BarkGrowlBite | November 1, 2013
Joshua Allen Goverman, 29, is a thief. But Josh is not just any thief … he's a candidate for the Unluckiest Thief of the Year Award. He has been arrested by the Glendale, Arizona police and charged with suspicion of theft because, like many criminals, he left something behind at the scene of the crime.
On October 7, an air conditioning company employee discovered that someone had tried to steal copper wire from his truck. The victim also discovered a personal item the thief accidentally dropped in the truck.
Now, Josh did not lose his wallet or leave his driver's license at the scene. The hapless thief severed a finger while he was plying his trade. The Glendale cops retrieved the finger and used the severed digit to identify the unlucky thief and put him in the slammer.
Joshua Allen Goverman, 29, is a thief. But Josh is not just any thief … he's a candidate for the Unluckiest Thief of the Year Award. He has been arrested by the Glendale, Arizona police and charged with suspicion of theft because, like many criminals, he left something behind at the scene of the crime.
On October 7, an air conditioning company employee discovered that someone had tried to steal copper wire from his truck. The victim also discovered a personal item the thief accidentally dropped in the truck.
Now, Josh did not lose his wallet or leave his driver's license at the scene. The hapless thief severed a finger while he was plying his trade. The Glendale cops retrieved the finger and used the severed digit to identify the unlucky thief and put him in the slammer.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
DER FUHRER RANTS ABOUT OBAMACARE
'There's only one thing left to do now ... Let's find a way to blame Bush'
Monday, October 28, 2013
CONVINCING PEOPLE NOT TO USE DRUGS
Two young men appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first man, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second man. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole now.’ And then I pointed to the big circle and said, ‘This is your asshole after you've been in prison awhile.'”
On Monday, the judge asks the first man, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second man. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole now.’ And then I pointed to the big circle and said, ‘This is your asshole after you've been in prison awhile.'”
Saturday, October 26, 2013
NEW WASHINGTON LAWS LEAD TO NEW INTERPRETATION OF LEVITICUS 20:13
For those who haven't bothered to pay attention, Washington State recently passed two new laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 (New International Version) says:
__“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them shall be stoned.”
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 (New International Version) says:
__“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them shall be stoned.”
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
COMPOSER NOT LIKELY TO BE NOMINATED FOR A GRAMMY
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar; stinking of whiskey, cigarettes and stale beer His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying off the Attack Carrier Oriskany back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.
The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered at the old man. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?", the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying off the Attack Carrier Oriskany back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.
The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered at the old man. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?", the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
Thursday, October 24, 2013
AFTER 70 YEARS OF MARRIED LIFE, WIFE STILL CALLS HER HUSBAND BY LOVING NAMES
A pastor and his wife invited a couple of longtime church members to their home for dinner. The couple were in their 90s and had been married for almost 70 years. It became obvious to the pastor’s wife that the old couple were still very much in love because the wife preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Angel, etc.
While the husband was in the living room, the pastor’s wife leaned over to the old woman and said, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.”
The old woman hung her head. “I have to tell you the truth,” she said. “His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.”
While the husband was in the living room, the pastor’s wife leaned over to the old woman and said, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.”
The old woman hung her head. “I have to tell you the truth,” she said. “His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.”
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER OFFENDS AFRICAN-AMERICANS
Civil rights leaders demand name change to ‘Schwarzmacht’ and call for boycott of studios that produced movies featuring the former governor
By Adolf der Schweinehund
LOS ANGELES -- In a joint press conference, NAACP president Ben Jealous, MSNBC talk show host Al Sharpton and Rainbow PUSH president Jesse Jackson demanded that film star and former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger change his name and called for a boycott of his movies and the studios that produced them until he complies with their demands.
Jealous said that a good number of NAACP members called for the name change in reaction to Sharpton’s MSNBC broadcast in which he told his audience that Schwarzeneeger’s name translated into English spelled ‘Black Nigger.’
“If the name ‘Washington Redskins’ is offensive to Native Americans, then ‘Black Nigger’ is doubly offensive to African Americans,” said Jealous. “We don’t care how long his family has had that name, it is high time for the former governor to set things right by changing his offensive name. We suggest he change his last name to ‘Schwarz’.”
“I was flabbergasted when one of my listeners contacted me and told me what the former governor’s mane actually meant,” said Sharpton. “I can’t think of a more offensive name. Every African-American should be outraged that such a prominent public figure carries such a racially vile name. My suggestion is for him to change his name to “Schwarzmacht’ [Black Power]. I am now calling for all Americans of good will to boycott his movies and the movies of studios that produced them until Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes Arnold Schwarzmacht. I intend to lead demonstrations in Hollywood this weekend to demand the name change.”
Jealous interjected, "Schwarzmacht, I like that even better."
“Al, this is one of your best suggestions ever, I mean the name Schwarzmacht,” said Jackson. “I will be joining you this weekend in Hollywood and I want to assure both you and Ben [Jealous] that operation Rainbow PUSH will call on all of its chapters to demand the name change and to ask all Americans to join in a boycott of the movie studios. The name ‘Black Nigger’ is sickening, demeaning, highly offensive and absolutely unacceptable to African-Americans. The name ‘Washington Redskins’ pales when compared to Schwarzenegger. We are all gratified that you exposed the true meaning of his name.”
The Unconventional Gazette contacted Gov. Schwarzenegger, his ex-wife Maria Shriver and White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to get their reaction to the civil rights leaders’ demands.
“You’ve gotta be kidding,” the former governor said. “I’ve got no further comment.”
“I must admit that I was never comfortable with that name, but it never occurred to me that it was an offensive racial slur,” said Shriver. “I would have never married Arnie had I known that. I am instructing my lawyers to immediately petition the court to change the names of our children - Patrick, Katherine, Christopher and Christina - from Schwarzenegger to Shriver.”
“President Obama has authorized me to release the following statement,” said Carney. “If I had a name — even if it had a storied history — that was offending a sizeable group of people, I’d think about changing it. It’s the same suggestion I made to the owner of the Washington Redskins.”
By Adolf der Schweinehund
LOS ANGELES -- In a joint press conference, NAACP president Ben Jealous, MSNBC talk show host Al Sharpton and Rainbow PUSH president Jesse Jackson demanded that film star and former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger change his name and called for a boycott of his movies and the studios that produced them until he complies with their demands.
Jealous said that a good number of NAACP members called for the name change in reaction to Sharpton’s MSNBC broadcast in which he told his audience that Schwarzeneeger’s name translated into English spelled ‘Black Nigger.’
“If the name ‘Washington Redskins’ is offensive to Native Americans, then ‘Black Nigger’ is doubly offensive to African Americans,” said Jealous. “We don’t care how long his family has had that name, it is high time for the former governor to set things right by changing his offensive name. We suggest he change his last name to ‘Schwarz’.”
“I was flabbergasted when one of my listeners contacted me and told me what the former governor’s mane actually meant,” said Sharpton. “I can’t think of a more offensive name. Every African-American should be outraged that such a prominent public figure carries such a racially vile name. My suggestion is for him to change his name to “Schwarzmacht’ [Black Power]. I am now calling for all Americans of good will to boycott his movies and the movies of studios that produced them until Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes Arnold Schwarzmacht. I intend to lead demonstrations in Hollywood this weekend to demand the name change.”
Jealous interjected, "Schwarzmacht, I like that even better."
“Al, this is one of your best suggestions ever, I mean the name Schwarzmacht,” said Jackson. “I will be joining you this weekend in Hollywood and I want to assure both you and Ben [Jealous] that operation Rainbow PUSH will call on all of its chapters to demand the name change and to ask all Americans to join in a boycott of the movie studios. The name ‘Black Nigger’ is sickening, demeaning, highly offensive and absolutely unacceptable to African-Americans. The name ‘Washington Redskins’ pales when compared to Schwarzenegger. We are all gratified that you exposed the true meaning of his name.”
The Unconventional Gazette contacted Gov. Schwarzenegger, his ex-wife Maria Shriver and White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to get their reaction to the civil rights leaders’ demands.
“You’ve gotta be kidding,” the former governor said. “I’ve got no further comment.”
“I must admit that I was never comfortable with that name, but it never occurred to me that it was an offensive racial slur,” said Shriver. “I would have never married Arnie had I known that. I am instructing my lawyers to immediately petition the court to change the names of our children - Patrick, Katherine, Christopher and Christina - from Schwarzenegger to Shriver.”
“President Obama has authorized me to release the following statement,” said Carney. “If I had a name — even if it had a storied history — that was offending a sizeable group of people, I’d think about changing it. It’s the same suggestion I made to the owner of the Washington Redskins.”
Saturday, October 12, 2013
MICHELLE OBAMA OPENS UP IN ‘MARIE CLAIRE’: ‘OUR SEX LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN MORE OPEN, MORE EXPERIMENTAL, MORE GENEROUS’
The first lady reveals in the new issue of Marie Claire that erotic role playing has helped the couple’s sex life tremendously; ‘I’m just enjoying this flood of hot, hungry sex with my husband’
The Onion | October 9, 2013
WASHINGTON—Sitting down for a candid interview with Marie Claire magazine last Thursday, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly opened up about her marriage to President Barack Obama, saying that their sex life “has never been more open, more experimental, or more generous.”
The first lady spoke at length with Marie Claire about the couple’s resurgent love life, revealing that after years of humdrum intimacy, a recent spike in the frequency and intensity of their lovemaking has resulted in the most satisfying and adventurous sex she has ever known.
“We’ve never been this talkative in bed,” the first lady said, adding that the couple has recently enjoyed a “raw hunger for each other” that’s amounted to “some of the most intense—desperate, even—sex [she’s] ever had.” “We’d been treading water for a while there, just going through the motions, but then something clicked. We just started having fun with it. Sometimes I’ll leave my heels on, and other times I’ll come out of the shower and Barack will be already lying in bed, naked.”
“We have this new rule right now—we’re not saying ‘I love you’ during sex,” Obama continued, explaining that there’s a freedom that comes with treating intercourse not like two lovers, but like two strangers who just want to “have a little fun.” “And it doesn’t have to be a big production every time. Sometimes we’ll just do oral, or we’ll only use our hands. Anything that breaks the routine.”
The first lady said that prior to attending the G20 Conference in Russia last month, President Obama suggested that they try role playing, an idea that sent the couple into a midlife sexual odyssey that included experimentation with sex toys, domination, submission play, and on one “admittedly boozy occasion,” the intimate company of a senior White House staffer.
“We’ve started playing around with choking,” the nation’s 51st first lady told Marie Claire. “And if it gets too rough, I just tell him to slow down. Slow can be really good.”
According to Obama, the couple fell into a rut during the president’s 2008 presidential run, when the stresses of the campaign turned the once passionate couple into roommates rather than lovers.
Obama said that while the two never stopped having sex, intercourse became stale, almost like a chore. And while both the president and the first lady were still having orgasms, the predictability of the sex wasn’t giving the first couple the kind of satisfaction they both craved.
“The thing is, Barack was always extremely sexual,” said Obama, sharing an anecdote when—while living in Chicago—they once found a private place in Jackson Park and had sex under a blanket. “But it was like we decided that the book was closed. We quit checking in, we let go of trying to make our sexual goals happen. For example, it had been a long time since I had a vaginal orgasm, and that used to be something that was really important to Barack—for me to get there.”
“Somewhere along the line we let that dream die, as well as the holy grail of having a simultaneous orgasm,” Obama continued. “That was upsetting. I remember I actually stopped masturbating for a while, because I started to feel like a less sexual, less desired person altogether.”
Obama noted that as a lover, the president is now 100% available emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and that he’s never been more attentive or celebratory of her body. In addition, the first lady confirmed that the president is going down on her more and that she loves it.
“We’ve been watching a lot of porn together, too, which is also a big turn-on,” Obama said. “I really like James Deen’s stuff, and fantasizing about my favorite scenes helps me get over the edge when I’m close. I don’t come every time, that’s just how it’s always been with me, but Barack’s learning not to take it out on himself when I don’t have an orgasm.”
Considering their packed schedules and grueling travel itineraries, coupled with raising two teenage daughters, the first lady said “daytime quickies in the Situation Room or the Oval are a lifesaver” and that finding out-of-the-bedroom locations has been a fun, erotic challenge.
“I surprised him on Marine One before he left for Sweden the other day, just to spice things up,” Obama said, adding that she gave him a little taste of what he’d be missing while he was gone by slipping her panties into his pocket before takeoff. “We use our time apart to rev up our engines. Barack knows I like to be bossed around, so before he went to Europe for the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership a few months ago, he said I wasn’t allowed to touch myself until he got back. That was really hot. And during this government shutdown he’s been using me as a release, and sometimes being used in bed—being treated like an object—is really sexy, you know?”
“Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint,” Obama added. “We’re riding a high right now, and I know it’ll dip again. That’s okay. That’s how it works. But for right now, I’m just enjoying this flood of hot, hungry sex with my husband.”
The Onion | October 9, 2013
WASHINGTON—Sitting down for a candid interview with Marie Claire magazine last Thursday, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly opened up about her marriage to President Barack Obama, saying that their sex life “has never been more open, more experimental, or more generous.”
The first lady spoke at length with Marie Claire about the couple’s resurgent love life, revealing that after years of humdrum intimacy, a recent spike in the frequency and intensity of their lovemaking has resulted in the most satisfying and adventurous sex she has ever known.
“We’ve never been this talkative in bed,” the first lady said, adding that the couple has recently enjoyed a “raw hunger for each other” that’s amounted to “some of the most intense—desperate, even—sex [she’s] ever had.” “We’d been treading water for a while there, just going through the motions, but then something clicked. We just started having fun with it. Sometimes I’ll leave my heels on, and other times I’ll come out of the shower and Barack will be already lying in bed, naked.”
“We have this new rule right now—we’re not saying ‘I love you’ during sex,” Obama continued, explaining that there’s a freedom that comes with treating intercourse not like two lovers, but like two strangers who just want to “have a little fun.” “And it doesn’t have to be a big production every time. Sometimes we’ll just do oral, or we’ll only use our hands. Anything that breaks the routine.”
The first lady said that prior to attending the G20 Conference in Russia last month, President Obama suggested that they try role playing, an idea that sent the couple into a midlife sexual odyssey that included experimentation with sex toys, domination, submission play, and on one “admittedly boozy occasion,” the intimate company of a senior White House staffer.
“We’ve started playing around with choking,” the nation’s 51st first lady told Marie Claire. “And if it gets too rough, I just tell him to slow down. Slow can be really good.”
According to Obama, the couple fell into a rut during the president’s 2008 presidential run, when the stresses of the campaign turned the once passionate couple into roommates rather than lovers.
Obama said that while the two never stopped having sex, intercourse became stale, almost like a chore. And while both the president and the first lady were still having orgasms, the predictability of the sex wasn’t giving the first couple the kind of satisfaction they both craved.
“The thing is, Barack was always extremely sexual,” said Obama, sharing an anecdote when—while living in Chicago—they once found a private place in Jackson Park and had sex under a blanket. “But it was like we decided that the book was closed. We quit checking in, we let go of trying to make our sexual goals happen. For example, it had been a long time since I had a vaginal orgasm, and that used to be something that was really important to Barack—for me to get there.”
“Somewhere along the line we let that dream die, as well as the holy grail of having a simultaneous orgasm,” Obama continued. “That was upsetting. I remember I actually stopped masturbating for a while, because I started to feel like a less sexual, less desired person altogether.”
Obama noted that as a lover, the president is now 100% available emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and that he’s never been more attentive or celebratory of her body. In addition, the first lady confirmed that the president is going down on her more and that she loves it.
“We’ve been watching a lot of porn together, too, which is also a big turn-on,” Obama said. “I really like James Deen’s stuff, and fantasizing about my favorite scenes helps me get over the edge when I’m close. I don’t come every time, that’s just how it’s always been with me, but Barack’s learning not to take it out on himself when I don’t have an orgasm.”
Considering their packed schedules and grueling travel itineraries, coupled with raising two teenage daughters, the first lady said “daytime quickies in the Situation Room or the Oval are a lifesaver” and that finding out-of-the-bedroom locations has been a fun, erotic challenge.
“I surprised him on Marine One before he left for Sweden the other day, just to spice things up,” Obama said, adding that she gave him a little taste of what he’d be missing while he was gone by slipping her panties into his pocket before takeoff. “We use our time apart to rev up our engines. Barack knows I like to be bossed around, so before he went to Europe for the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership a few months ago, he said I wasn’t allowed to touch myself until he got back. That was really hot. And during this government shutdown he’s been using me as a release, and sometimes being used in bed—being treated like an object—is really sexy, you know?”
“Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint,” Obama added. “We’re riding a high right now, and I know it’ll dip again. That’s okay. That’s how it works. But for right now, I’m just enjoying this flood of hot, hungry sex with my husband.”
Friday, October 11, 2013
PSYCHIATRISTS DEEPLY CONCERNED FOR 5% OF AMERICANS WHO APPROVE OF CONGRESS
The Onion | October 9, 2013
WASHINGTON—Noting that the individuals in question may be extremely mentally disturbed or suffering from a serious psychological illness, the nation’s psychiatrists announced Wednesday that they are deeply concerned for the estimated 5 percent of Americans who were found in nationwide polls this week to approve of the U.S. Congress.
“With numerous members of Congress refusing to negotiate an end to the shutdown in the face of widespread federal furloughs and a looming deadline to avoid defaulting on government debt, we are extremely concerned for the mental health of those Americans who responded, ‘Yes, we think Congress is doing a good job,’” psychiatrist Dr. Donald Levin said in a press conference this morning, telling reporters that the estimated 15.5 million Americans who approve of Congress are likely “very troubled” citizens who may in fact be experiencing psychotic episodes or delusional thoughts. “We’re not entirely sure who these people are or where they come from—perhaps they are psych ward patients, or unstable recluses living in remote huts on the outskirts of society—but what we do know is that they are extremely disconnected from reality and in need of immediate attention if they are not already receiving it. We need to find these people and get them the help they need before their illnesses get worse.”
Psychiatrists added that because a number of mental health services are currently furloughed, many respondents would just have to “sit tight and hang in there” until the shutdown is resolved.
WASHINGTON—Noting that the individuals in question may be extremely mentally disturbed or suffering from a serious psychological illness, the nation’s psychiatrists announced Wednesday that they are deeply concerned for the estimated 5 percent of Americans who were found in nationwide polls this week to approve of the U.S. Congress.
“With numerous members of Congress refusing to negotiate an end to the shutdown in the face of widespread federal furloughs and a looming deadline to avoid defaulting on government debt, we are extremely concerned for the mental health of those Americans who responded, ‘Yes, we think Congress is doing a good job,’” psychiatrist Dr. Donald Levin said in a press conference this morning, telling reporters that the estimated 15.5 million Americans who approve of Congress are likely “very troubled” citizens who may in fact be experiencing psychotic episodes or delusional thoughts. “We’re not entirely sure who these people are or where they come from—perhaps they are psych ward patients, or unstable recluses living in remote huts on the outskirts of society—but what we do know is that they are extremely disconnected from reality and in need of immediate attention if they are not already receiving it. We need to find these people and get them the help they need before their illnesses get worse.”
Psychiatrists added that because a number of mental health services are currently furloughed, many respondents would just have to “sit tight and hang in there” until the shutdown is resolved.
SISTER MARY SOLVES PAROCHIAL SCHOOL LIPSTICK PROBLEM
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the snickers among the young teens).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the snickers among the young teens).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Monday, October 7, 2013
DID VLADIMIR PUTIN ACTUALLY SAY ….. ?
"Negotiating with Obama is like playing chess with a pigeon. The pigeon knocks over all the pieces, shits on the board and then struts around like it won the game."
BarkGrowlBite | October 7, 2014
This little jewel has been floating through cyberspace lately. I have been unable to verify whether or not Putin actually said that. I strongly suspect that Vlad did not. However, no matter the author, it does pretty well describe how the Obama administration has been conducting America’s foreign policy.
BarkGrowlBite | October 7, 2014
This little jewel has been floating through cyberspace lately. I have been unable to verify whether or not Putin actually said that. I strongly suspect that Vlad did not. However, no matter the author, it does pretty well describe how the Obama administration has been conducting America’s foreign policy.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
IPADS TO STUDY WITH? COME ON, GET REAL!
BarkGrowBite | October 6, 2013
Did the educated idiots who run the Los Angeles Unified School District really believe that by spending $1 billion to provide each of the district’s 650,000 students with an iPad, the devices would actually be used for studying?
L.A. STUDENTS GET IPADS, START PLAYING VIDEO GAMES
Associated Press
October 5, 2013
Education officials in the nation's second-largest school district are working to reboot a $1 billion plan to put an iPad in the hands of each of their 650,000 students after an embarrassing glitch emerged when the first round of tablets went out.
Instead of solving math problems or doing English homework, as administrators envisioned, more than 300 Los Angeles Unified School District students promptly cracked the security settings and started tweeting, posting to Facebook and playing video games.
Such problems have both critics and supporters questioning whether LAUSD officials were being hasty or overreaching in their attempt to distribute iPads throughout the district's more than 1,000 campuses by next year.
Did the educated idiots who run the Los Angeles Unified School District really believe that by spending $1 billion to provide each of the district’s 650,000 students with an iPad, the devices would actually be used for studying?
L.A. STUDENTS GET IPADS, START PLAYING VIDEO GAMES
Associated Press
October 5, 2013
Education officials in the nation's second-largest school district are working to reboot a $1 billion plan to put an iPad in the hands of each of their 650,000 students after an embarrassing glitch emerged when the first round of tablets went out.
Instead of solving math problems or doing English homework, as administrators envisioned, more than 300 Los Angeles Unified School District students promptly cracked the security settings and started tweeting, posting to Facebook and playing video games.
Such problems have both critics and supporters questioning whether LAUSD officials were being hasty or overreaching in their attempt to distribute iPads throughout the district's more than 1,000 campuses by next year.
WHILE OTHER BANKS ARE CHARGING THEIR CUSTOMERS FEES UP THE GAZOO, BANCORP SOUTH BECOMES THE MOST GENEROUS BANK IN THE WORLD
Instead of charging them all sorts of fees, BancorpSouth makes a number of its customers instant trillionaires … that is until they discovered a computer glitch
BarkGrowlBite | October 6, 2013
Reggie Theus, one of the lucky BancorpSouth customers, thought about paying off the national debt with his $4 trillion windfall.
WORLD’S FIRST TRILLIONAIRES – FOR A FEW HOURS
WLS – TV
October 4, 2013
In East Texas, Reggie Theus checked his bank account as he always does, except this time there were quite a few more zeros than usual.
Theus says he had more than $4 trillion in his account. Unfortunately, it turns out the fortune was the result of an online banking glitch.
"Well, I was definitely surprised when I looked in my account and saw that much money in there," Theus said. "I looked it up and there's never been a trillionaire before. So I think technically I may be the first ever.
"I logged out and logged back in eight times just to see if it was still there, and every time it was still there," he said. "The exact same number."
The temporary trillionaire is the first in the world -- beating out Bill Gates. But for now, Theus is just a regular area director for Newk's in East Texas. So who caused the major mistake? The bank is asking Theus to Keep that to himself.
In Tupelo Miss., Bancorp South customers including Brandon Frazier, were met with the same error.
"I just got paid that morning, so I was checking to see how much my paycheck was," he said.
Frazier says he checks his bank account about three times a week sometimes on his mobile device.
"It feels awesome, I mean, laughter. It's something that doesn't happen every day, so it's a good feeling, you know, until it goes away," he said.
Frazier wasn't the only Bancorp South customer who woke up an instant trillionaire. Allie Ware, a member of a Tupelo TV news team, also saw a few extra zeros in her bank account balance.
"Well, for one second when I didn't realize that it was $4 trillion, I thought maybe for one second," she said.
But Ware says reality quickly set in after examining the matter more closely. .
"Then I saw all the zeros and just laughed because I knew that was not true," she said.
Bancorp South did realize the error and in a statement Wednesday said in part, "Online banking customers' deposit account balances reflected overstated balance totals for a short period of time this morning before being corrected. This was a system display issue and did not reflect the actual account balance available to those customers."
But that didn't stop customers from taking a moment to imagine the endless possibilities of being a trillionaire .
"First thing I thought about was giving back to the community, pay all my debts and try and make more money from winning that money, so that would be nice," Frazier said.
One costumer who found $40 trillion in her bank account in the Morning, but like the other customers, was back to normal by lunch time.
BarkGrowlBite | October 6, 2013
Reggie Theus, one of the lucky BancorpSouth customers, thought about paying off the national debt with his $4 trillion windfall.
WORLD’S FIRST TRILLIONAIRES – FOR A FEW HOURS
WLS – TV
October 4, 2013
In East Texas, Reggie Theus checked his bank account as he always does, except this time there were quite a few more zeros than usual.
Theus says he had more than $4 trillion in his account. Unfortunately, it turns out the fortune was the result of an online banking glitch.
"Well, I was definitely surprised when I looked in my account and saw that much money in there," Theus said. "I looked it up and there's never been a trillionaire before. So I think technically I may be the first ever.
"I logged out and logged back in eight times just to see if it was still there, and every time it was still there," he said. "The exact same number."
The temporary trillionaire is the first in the world -- beating out Bill Gates. But for now, Theus is just a regular area director for Newk's in East Texas. So who caused the major mistake? The bank is asking Theus to Keep that to himself.
In Tupelo Miss., Bancorp South customers including Brandon Frazier, were met with the same error.
"I just got paid that morning, so I was checking to see how much my paycheck was," he said.
Frazier says he checks his bank account about three times a week sometimes on his mobile device.
"It feels awesome, I mean, laughter. It's something that doesn't happen every day, so it's a good feeling, you know, until it goes away," he said.
Frazier wasn't the only Bancorp South customer who woke up an instant trillionaire. Allie Ware, a member of a Tupelo TV news team, also saw a few extra zeros in her bank account balance.
"Well, for one second when I didn't realize that it was $4 trillion, I thought maybe for one second," she said.
But Ware says reality quickly set in after examining the matter more closely. .
"Then I saw all the zeros and just laughed because I knew that was not true," she said.
Bancorp South did realize the error and in a statement Wednesday said in part, "Online banking customers' deposit account balances reflected overstated balance totals for a short period of time this morning before being corrected. This was a system display issue and did not reflect the actual account balance available to those customers."
But that didn't stop customers from taking a moment to imagine the endless possibilities of being a trillionaire .
"First thing I thought about was giving back to the community, pay all my debts and try and make more money from winning that money, so that would be nice," Frazier said.
One costumer who found $40 trillion in her bank account in the Morning, but like the other customers, was back to normal by lunch time.
Friday, October 4, 2013
MIA FARROW: ‘IT’S POSSIBLE MY SON WAS FATHERED BY FRANK SINATRA, MARIO PUZO, GEORGE MCGOVERN, ROBERT ALTMAN, ANTHONY PERKINS, MILTON BERLE, ROBERT REDFORD, MICHAEL CAINE, DANNY AIELLO, OR BRUCE DERN’
‘Or maybe Francis Ford Coppola, John Cassavetes, Tony Curtis, Dustin Hoffman, Quincy Jones, Sydney Pollack, Joe Mantegna, Liam Neeson, Tom Courtenay, Bob Balaban, or even William Hurt,’ suggests actress
The Onion | October 3, 2013
NEW YORK—Following years of speculation regarding the paternity of her 25-year-old son Ronan Farrow, who was born in 1987 during her relationship with Woody Allen, actress Mia Farrow admitted in an interview with Vanity Fair this week that her son could have actually been fathered by Frank Sinatra, Mario Puzo, George McGovern, Robert Altman, Anthony Perkins, Milton Berle, Robert Redford, Michael Caine, Danny Aiello, or Bruce Dern, or possibly even Francis Ford Coppola, John Cassavetes, Tony Curtis, Dustin Hoffman, Quincy Jones, Sydney Pollack, Joe Mantegna, Liam Neeson, John Irvin, Bob Balaban, or William Hurt.
“Even though we were only married for a few years, Frank was the love of my life, and the truth is I never really split up with him, or, for that matter, Dudley Moore, Kurt Russell, Walter Cronkite, Richard Gere, Gore Vidal, Oliver Stone, Bob Costas, Burt Bacharach, or Prince,” the 68-year-old actress and humanitarian told reporters, noting that while she was seriously involved with Allen from 1980 until 1992, she still “had never really forgotten” former flames Henry Rollins, John Malkovich, Michael Dukakis, Huey Lewis, Paul Newman, and Bill Laimbeer. “But then, of course, about a year before [Ronan was born], I had also recently reconnected with ‘Pistol’ Pete Maravich, Mikhail Gorbachev, Michael Landon, David Lynch, Jim Henson, Prince Charles, O.J. Simpson, Bruce Hornsby, Fred Rogers, Ted Turner, George Peppard, Jeffrey Dahmer, Phil Collins, Grandmaster Flash, David Duke, Gordon Lightfoot, and Greg Louganis, whom I realized I’d never really gotten over. So they’re possibilities as well.”
Family sources also reported that Ronan Farrow has spent Father’s Day the past three years with song parodist “Weird Al” Yankovic.
The Onion | October 3, 2013
NEW YORK—Following years of speculation regarding the paternity of her 25-year-old son Ronan Farrow, who was born in 1987 during her relationship with Woody Allen, actress Mia Farrow admitted in an interview with Vanity Fair this week that her son could have actually been fathered by Frank Sinatra, Mario Puzo, George McGovern, Robert Altman, Anthony Perkins, Milton Berle, Robert Redford, Michael Caine, Danny Aiello, or Bruce Dern, or possibly even Francis Ford Coppola, John Cassavetes, Tony Curtis, Dustin Hoffman, Quincy Jones, Sydney Pollack, Joe Mantegna, Liam Neeson, John Irvin, Bob Balaban, or William Hurt.
“Even though we were only married for a few years, Frank was the love of my life, and the truth is I never really split up with him, or, for that matter, Dudley Moore, Kurt Russell, Walter Cronkite, Richard Gere, Gore Vidal, Oliver Stone, Bob Costas, Burt Bacharach, or Prince,” the 68-year-old actress and humanitarian told reporters, noting that while she was seriously involved with Allen from 1980 until 1992, she still “had never really forgotten” former flames Henry Rollins, John Malkovich, Michael Dukakis, Huey Lewis, Paul Newman, and Bill Laimbeer. “But then, of course, about a year before [Ronan was born], I had also recently reconnected with ‘Pistol’ Pete Maravich, Mikhail Gorbachev, Michael Landon, David Lynch, Jim Henson, Prince Charles, O.J. Simpson, Bruce Hornsby, Fred Rogers, Ted Turner, George Peppard, Jeffrey Dahmer, Phil Collins, Grandmaster Flash, David Duke, Gordon Lightfoot, and Greg Louganis, whom I realized I’d never really gotten over. So they’re possibilities as well.”
Family sources also reported that Ronan Farrow has spent Father’s Day the past three years with song parodist “Weird Al” Yankovic.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
CROTCH ROCKET BIKERS TAUNT POLICE
BarkGrowlBite | October 3, 2013
Police from all over the country report that packs of young bikers are conducting dangerous stunts while speeding down crowded highways, weaving in and out of traffic, and taunting the cops before leaving them behind in a cloud of dust with their high-speed motorcycles, which they refer to as ‘crotch rockets.’ Seeking instant fame, these dickheads videotape themselves and post their antics on the internet.
It was one of these packs that beat up Alexian Lien on NYC’s Westside Highway. Lien was driving Saturday with his wife and 2-year-old daughter when his Range Rover accidentally struck a biker who had suddenly slowed down in front of him. He was surrounded by bikers pounding the SUV with their helmets. Fearing for his life and the safety of his family, Lien sped off, running over one of the bikers who suffered two broken legs and serious spinal injuries. When the other bikers caught up to Lien’s SUV, they yanked him out and beat him to a bloody pulp.
I have a simple solution to the shenanigans of these crotch rocket jockeys. Arrange to have a dozen or so Hells Angels meet up on the road with each of these dickhead packs wherever they show up. The resulting confrontations won’t be pretty, but I guarantee you that the antics of those ‘crotch rocket’ bikers will soon be history.
Police from all over the country report that packs of young bikers are conducting dangerous stunts while speeding down crowded highways, weaving in and out of traffic, and taunting the cops before leaving them behind in a cloud of dust with their high-speed motorcycles, which they refer to as ‘crotch rockets.’ Seeking instant fame, these dickheads videotape themselves and post their antics on the internet.
It was one of these packs that beat up Alexian Lien on NYC’s Westside Highway. Lien was driving Saturday with his wife and 2-year-old daughter when his Range Rover accidentally struck a biker who had suddenly slowed down in front of him. He was surrounded by bikers pounding the SUV with their helmets. Fearing for his life and the safety of his family, Lien sped off, running over one of the bikers who suffered two broken legs and serious spinal injuries. When the other bikers caught up to Lien’s SUV, they yanked him out and beat him to a bloody pulp.
I have a simple solution to the shenanigans of these crotch rocket jockeys. Arrange to have a dozen or so Hells Angels meet up on the road with each of these dickhead packs wherever they show up. The resulting confrontations won’t be pretty, but I guarantee you that the antics of those ‘crotch rocket’ bikers will soon be history.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
WOMEN DRIVERS CAUSED OBAMA TO GET ELECTED
BarkGrowlBite | October 1, 2013
Saudi Arabia does not allow women to drive. A large number of Saudi women have been protesting against the ban and many foreigners have condemned it.
The Daily Mail reports that Saudi Sheikh Salah al-Luhaydan defends the law that bans women from driving, warning that by driving, women damage their pelvis and ovaries and risk having children with 'clinical disorders.'
Previously in 2011, the Saudis warned that allowing women to drive would 'provoke a surge in prostitution, pornography, homosexuality for both men and women, and divorce.'
Ah, now we know why California, Massachusetts and other states allow same-sex marriages, why the whole country has a high divorce rate, why many Americans are obsessed with pornography, and why so many voters are brain-damaged ….. It's all because of women drivers!
And now we also know why Obama is our president ….. he got elected by voters suffering from women driver-induced clinical brain disorders.
Saudi Arabia does not allow women to drive. A large number of Saudi women have been protesting against the ban and many foreigners have condemned it.
The Daily Mail reports that Saudi Sheikh Salah al-Luhaydan defends the law that bans women from driving, warning that by driving, women damage their pelvis and ovaries and risk having children with 'clinical disorders.'
Previously in 2011, the Saudis warned that allowing women to drive would 'provoke a surge in prostitution, pornography, homosexuality for both men and women, and divorce.'
Ah, now we know why California, Massachusetts and other states allow same-sex marriages, why the whole country has a high divorce rate, why many Americans are obsessed with pornography, and why so many voters are brain-damaged ….. It's all because of women drivers!
And now we also know why Obama is our president ….. he got elected by voters suffering from women driver-induced clinical brain disorders.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
WHOOSH, BOOM, CRASH, OOPS
BarkGrowlBite | September 29, 2013
Investigators now believe the partial building collapse of Nairobi's Westgate shopping mall during the Al Shabaab siege was caused by Kenyan soldiers firing rocket propelled grenades inside the mall.
Now that’s a great big oops! Kenyan authorities still do not know how many innocent shoppers were buried in the pile of rubble left by the rocket propelled grenades.
Investigators now believe the partial building collapse of Nairobi's Westgate shopping mall during the Al Shabaab siege was caused by Kenyan soldiers firing rocket propelled grenades inside the mall.
Now that’s a great big oops! Kenyan authorities still do not know how many innocent shoppers were buried in the pile of rubble left by the rocket propelled grenades.
Friday, September 27, 2013
NEW POLL FINDS AMERICANS VIEW DEATH OF CLOSE RELATIVE MORE FAVORABLY THAN CONGRESS
The Onion | September 27, 2013
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, the favorability rating of the U.S. Congress has sunk so low that the legislative body is now looked upon more negatively than the death of a close relative.
“When asked whether they would prefer to select a casket for their child or endure the forthcoming congressional showdown over the debt ceiling, 89 percent of Americans said they would rather bury their own offspring,” said Pew spokesperson Diana Shostak, adding that the figure went up to 96 percent when it was specified that the political brinksmanship could go on for weeks without a single piece of legislation ever making it to the floor for a goddamn up-or-down vote. “Watching one’s grandmother weep uncontrollably at the impending death of her husband of 60 years, having the agonizing conversation about whether to pull the plug on his life support unit, and looking on as he gasps for his final breaths—these situations all enjoyed higher approval ratings than any individual member of the House or Senate.”
The poll also found that the prospect of suffering one’s own death by slow asphyxiation was viewed four times more favorably than anything having to do with filibusters.
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, the favorability rating of the U.S. Congress has sunk so low that the legislative body is now looked upon more negatively than the death of a close relative.
“When asked whether they would prefer to select a casket for their child or endure the forthcoming congressional showdown over the debt ceiling, 89 percent of Americans said they would rather bury their own offspring,” said Pew spokesperson Diana Shostak, adding that the figure went up to 96 percent when it was specified that the political brinksmanship could go on for weeks without a single piece of legislation ever making it to the floor for a goddamn up-or-down vote. “Watching one’s grandmother weep uncontrollably at the impending death of her husband of 60 years, having the agonizing conversation about whether to pull the plug on his life support unit, and looking on as he gasps for his final breaths—these situations all enjoyed higher approval ratings than any individual member of the House or Senate.”
The poll also found that the prospect of suffering one’s own death by slow asphyxiation was viewed four times more favorably than anything having to do with filibusters.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
CANADIANS COMPARE AMERICAN BEER TO SEX IN A CANOE
Crave Canada, The Canada Travel Guide, disparages American beer:
“Americans can’t brew beer – hence the joke; how is sex in a canoe like American beer? They’re both fucking close to water.”
“Americans can’t brew beer – hence the joke; how is sex in a canoe like American beer? They’re both fucking close to water.”
HOW GOD STAYS COOL
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter and the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man.
St. Peter then pointed to another clock and said, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Wow, only two lies. That’s amazing when you consider that Lincoln was a lawyer. Now, where’s President Obama’s clock?”
“Obama’s clock is in God’s office. The Lord is using it as a ceiling fan.”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man.
St. Peter then pointed to another clock and said, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Wow, only two lies. That’s amazing when you consider that Lincoln was a lawyer. Now, where’s President Obama’s clock?”
“Obama’s clock is in God’s office. The Lord is using it as a ceiling fan.”
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
OPENING SALVO IN CAMPAIGN TO BAN BULLETS
The American Ban Bullets Coalition receives infusion of money from Michael Bloomberg and the strong backing of President Obama
By Pamela Putz
NEW YORK – Standing in front of city hall Monday at a press briefing with Mayor Bloomberg, Senator Chuck Schumer, Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy and Sarah Brady, Dr. Ellie Phant, president of the American Ban Bullets Coalition (ABBC), announced that the organization she formed in February has been joined by the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, the parents of children killed and wounded in the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre, and other gun control groups, in a joint campaign to ban the possession of bullets by the American public.
Dr. Phant, professor of gender studies at the University of California-Berkeley, said that Senator Schumer and Rep. McCarthy will introduce companion bills in Congress that would ban the sale to and possession of bullets, gun powder and cartridge cases by American civilians. Dr. Phant said the new law, if passed, would allow Americans to possess handguns, shotguns, sporting rifles, AR-15s, AK-47s and other military-style rifles in line with the Second Amendment rights to keep and bear arms. Possession of ammunition, other than during wild game hunting, would be restricted to licensed law enforcement officers and the military. A first offense would be a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in jail and a $5,000 fine. A second offense would be a felony punishable by up to five years in prison and a $20,000 fine.
Mayor Bloomberg handed Dr. Phant a check in the amount of $450,000. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of this myself,” said the mayor. “This law will effectively put an end to gun violence. My check to Dr. Phant’s coalition should help to get the ABBC campaign going.” Sarah Brady echoed Bloomberg’s remarks, saying that “If only the Brady Campaign had thought of this when we first organized, we wouldn’t have run into the Second Amendment arguments.”
Rep. McCarthy, whose husband was shot to death in 1993 on a commuter train, said the new law would not ban wild game hunting. “Under the bills Sen. Schumer and I are introducing, the U.S. Department of the Interior will establish and operate ammunition outlets near hunting areas. There will be guns for rent, but hunters can bring their own rifles or shotguns. The hunters can purchase ammunition, but they will have to leave their driver’s licenses or passports at the ammo shops. They will be required to return all spent cartridge cases and any unused bullets in order to retrieve their licenses or passports.”
Sen. Schumer explained that “The hunting aspects of this law will be similar to those in Australia, the United Kingdom and other countries that ban the possession of not only ammunition, but guns as well. We are not banning guns. As a matter of fact we are loosening restrictions on firearms. We believe that by banning bullets, we will drastically reduce gun violence and eventually eliminate it altogether.” Sen. Schumer emphasized that “Once gun violence had ended, there will be no need for law enforcement officers to be armed with lethal weapons.”
Fred Werdlin, executive director of ABBC, read a statement of support from President Obama. “As President of the United States, I have been obsessed with ending gun violence. I am pleased to give my wholehearted support to the American Ban Bullets Coalition and its campaign to keep ammunition out of the hands of civilians. This is a simple solution to ending America’s disgraceful gun violence. A ban on bullets will allow our children to attend school without fear of getting shot and it will make our neighborhoods, theaters and work places safe again. And it will allow our citizen to keep and bear arms in line with the Second Amendment. I am sorry that I did not come up with a bullet ban myself. I can’t wait until Carolyn and Chuck’s bill reaches my desk so I can sign it. I want to praise and thank Dr. Ellie Phant for her efforts to reduce gun violence. Dr. Phant has the gratitude of our great nation.”
Dr. Phant ended the press briefing by saying, “I want to thank Congresswoman McCarthy and Senator Schumer for their support and for introducing legislation banning the possession of bullets. And, of course, I want to thank Mayor Bloomberg for his very generous support on behalf of our mission.”
By Pamela Putz
NEW YORK – Standing in front of city hall Monday at a press briefing with Mayor Bloomberg, Senator Chuck Schumer, Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy and Sarah Brady, Dr. Ellie Phant, president of the American Ban Bullets Coalition (ABBC), announced that the organization she formed in February has been joined by the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, the parents of children killed and wounded in the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre, and other gun control groups, in a joint campaign to ban the possession of bullets by the American public.
Dr. Phant, professor of gender studies at the University of California-Berkeley, said that Senator Schumer and Rep. McCarthy will introduce companion bills in Congress that would ban the sale to and possession of bullets, gun powder and cartridge cases by American civilians. Dr. Phant said the new law, if passed, would allow Americans to possess handguns, shotguns, sporting rifles, AR-15s, AK-47s and other military-style rifles in line with the Second Amendment rights to keep and bear arms. Possession of ammunition, other than during wild game hunting, would be restricted to licensed law enforcement officers and the military. A first offense would be a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in jail and a $5,000 fine. A second offense would be a felony punishable by up to five years in prison and a $20,000 fine.
Mayor Bloomberg handed Dr. Phant a check in the amount of $450,000. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of this myself,” said the mayor. “This law will effectively put an end to gun violence. My check to Dr. Phant’s coalition should help to get the ABBC campaign going.” Sarah Brady echoed Bloomberg’s remarks, saying that “If only the Brady Campaign had thought of this when we first organized, we wouldn’t have run into the Second Amendment arguments.”
Rep. McCarthy, whose husband was shot to death in 1993 on a commuter train, said the new law would not ban wild game hunting. “Under the bills Sen. Schumer and I are introducing, the U.S. Department of the Interior will establish and operate ammunition outlets near hunting areas. There will be guns for rent, but hunters can bring their own rifles or shotguns. The hunters can purchase ammunition, but they will have to leave their driver’s licenses or passports at the ammo shops. They will be required to return all spent cartridge cases and any unused bullets in order to retrieve their licenses or passports.”
Sen. Schumer explained that “The hunting aspects of this law will be similar to those in Australia, the United Kingdom and other countries that ban the possession of not only ammunition, but guns as well. We are not banning guns. As a matter of fact we are loosening restrictions on firearms. We believe that by banning bullets, we will drastically reduce gun violence and eventually eliminate it altogether.” Sen. Schumer emphasized that “Once gun violence had ended, there will be no need for law enforcement officers to be armed with lethal weapons.”
Fred Werdlin, executive director of ABBC, read a statement of support from President Obama. “As President of the United States, I have been obsessed with ending gun violence. I am pleased to give my wholehearted support to the American Ban Bullets Coalition and its campaign to keep ammunition out of the hands of civilians. This is a simple solution to ending America’s disgraceful gun violence. A ban on bullets will allow our children to attend school without fear of getting shot and it will make our neighborhoods, theaters and work places safe again. And it will allow our citizen to keep and bear arms in line with the Second Amendment. I am sorry that I did not come up with a bullet ban myself. I can’t wait until Carolyn and Chuck’s bill reaches my desk so I can sign it. I want to praise and thank Dr. Ellie Phant for her efforts to reduce gun violence. Dr. Phant has the gratitude of our great nation.”
Dr. Phant ended the press briefing by saying, “I want to thank Congresswoman McCarthy and Senator Schumer for their support and for introducing legislation banning the possession of bullets. And, of course, I want to thank Mayor Bloomberg for his very generous support on behalf of our mission.”
Sunday, September 22, 2013
A JEWISH MOTHER TRIES TO MAKE SENSE OF IT ALL
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says:
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a $250,000 Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away.....over 45 cents?"
Her mother says:
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a $250,000 Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away.....over 45 cents?"
Saturday, September 21, 2013
HELL NOW A THRIVING EPICENTER OF GAY CULTURE
Locals say the Chasm of Wickedness and Sin has become a happy and prejudice-free sanctuary for the gay community
The Onion | September 19, 2013
THE MALEBOLGE, NETHER REGIONS OF DARKNESS—Noting the incredible rate at which the community has grown, sources confirmed Thursday that Hell, the Endless Kingdom of Misery, is now a booming haven of gay culture.
The Great Abyss, home of the damned, is reportedly inhabited by some 600 million condemned homosexual or transgender souls, a large proportion of its total population, and has by many accounts blossomed into an oasis of gay activism and community events.
“I’ve only been here for a few months, but I’ve already fallen in love with it,” said 49-year-old Daniel Edelson, adding that he has already befriended hundreds of fellow gay men and women in the accursed underworld, all of whom have welcomed him with open arms. “The streets of fire and brimstone are full of so many great cafés, restaurants, bakeries, independent bookstores, and of course plenty of gay bars and clubs. There’s just so much to do.”
“My favorite place is this wonderful little promenade along the River Styx, where couples always take walks together on the weekends,” continued Edelson. “I’d say this is easily the most LGBT-friendly place I’ve ever lived.”
According to sources, the deepest bowels of Hell have over the past several millennia developed a thriving gay community that is said to rival the likes of the New York City neighborhood of Chelsea, San Francisco’s Castro District, Soho in London, and the Boystown section of Chicago.
Along with its wide variety of gay-friendly businesses, the Underworld is also home to The 666, a sprawling, five-story gay nightclub that is reportedly the largest such establishment ever built. Reports confirmed The 666 is one of the most popular destinations in the Nine Circles, offering drag shows, multiple dance floors, six-headed go-go dancers, and live music.
“It’s just nice to finally live in a place where I don’t feel like an outcast or an outsider,” said Vanessa Aldridge, 38, stressing that she has faced absolutely no discrimination since she, like all homosexuals and gay sympathizers, was sentenced to an eternity in Lucifer’s Den immediately upon her death. “There’s no stigma attached to openly being who I am here. Everyone is respected and free to live the way they want to live.”
“It’s really refreshing, frankly, to live in a place where nobody gives me any weird looks when I walk hand-in-hand with my girlfriend,” Aldridge continued. “And all of the other eternally damned homosexuals down here feel the same. I thank Satan every day for welcoming me here.”
Hell has been widely celebrated by gay rights leaders for its far-reaching acceptance of alternative lifestyles, and residents told reporters it is incredibly common to see a rainbow flag hanging over various shop awnings, in car windows, or atop thrones of blood-soaked bones and rotting flesh. Additionally, the Inferno’s Gay Pride Parade, held every July in the Second Circle, is noted for its extravagance and high attendance rate.
Reports confirmed that, with thousands more homosexual souls flooding the Gates of Hell every day, the Chasm of Wickedness and Sin has truly become a sanctuary for gays and lesbians alike, a feeling proudly shared by a majority of heterosexual locals.
“The gay community has really flourished here, and I have to say, they’ve been great for the place,” said Nephirem the Malevolent, a 10,000-year-old, 70-foot-tall minotaur who has resided in hell since rising from the ashes of a smokeless flame. “At the end of the day, they’re just like anyone else. Everyone has the right to express their love for whomever they want. They don’t bother me in the slightest, and if anything, we in the Dark Lord’s Army encourage any and all public displays of affection between same-sex couples.”
“I think it’s great that they’ve carved out such a strong community for themselves here,” added the horned beast of ceaseless death and destruction. “I’m all for it.”
In stark contrast to Hell’s ongoing embrace of persecuted groups, sources confirmed that Heaven remains the most bigoted and intolerant place in the universe.
The Onion | September 19, 2013
THE MALEBOLGE, NETHER REGIONS OF DARKNESS—Noting the incredible rate at which the community has grown, sources confirmed Thursday that Hell, the Endless Kingdom of Misery, is now a booming haven of gay culture.
The Great Abyss, home of the damned, is reportedly inhabited by some 600 million condemned homosexual or transgender souls, a large proportion of its total population, and has by many accounts blossomed into an oasis of gay activism and community events.
“I’ve only been here for a few months, but I’ve already fallen in love with it,” said 49-year-old Daniel Edelson, adding that he has already befriended hundreds of fellow gay men and women in the accursed underworld, all of whom have welcomed him with open arms. “The streets of fire and brimstone are full of so many great cafés, restaurants, bakeries, independent bookstores, and of course plenty of gay bars and clubs. There’s just so much to do.”
“My favorite place is this wonderful little promenade along the River Styx, where couples always take walks together on the weekends,” continued Edelson. “I’d say this is easily the most LGBT-friendly place I’ve ever lived.”
According to sources, the deepest bowels of Hell have over the past several millennia developed a thriving gay community that is said to rival the likes of the New York City neighborhood of Chelsea, San Francisco’s Castro District, Soho in London, and the Boystown section of Chicago.
Along with its wide variety of gay-friendly businesses, the Underworld is also home to The 666, a sprawling, five-story gay nightclub that is reportedly the largest such establishment ever built. Reports confirmed The 666 is one of the most popular destinations in the Nine Circles, offering drag shows, multiple dance floors, six-headed go-go dancers, and live music.
“It’s just nice to finally live in a place where I don’t feel like an outcast or an outsider,” said Vanessa Aldridge, 38, stressing that she has faced absolutely no discrimination since she, like all homosexuals and gay sympathizers, was sentenced to an eternity in Lucifer’s Den immediately upon her death. “There’s no stigma attached to openly being who I am here. Everyone is respected and free to live the way they want to live.”
“It’s really refreshing, frankly, to live in a place where nobody gives me any weird looks when I walk hand-in-hand with my girlfriend,” Aldridge continued. “And all of the other eternally damned homosexuals down here feel the same. I thank Satan every day for welcoming me here.”
Hell has been widely celebrated by gay rights leaders for its far-reaching acceptance of alternative lifestyles, and residents told reporters it is incredibly common to see a rainbow flag hanging over various shop awnings, in car windows, or atop thrones of blood-soaked bones and rotting flesh. Additionally, the Inferno’s Gay Pride Parade, held every July in the Second Circle, is noted for its extravagance and high attendance rate.
Reports confirmed that, with thousands more homosexual souls flooding the Gates of Hell every day, the Chasm of Wickedness and Sin has truly become a sanctuary for gays and lesbians alike, a feeling proudly shared by a majority of heterosexual locals.
“The gay community has really flourished here, and I have to say, they’ve been great for the place,” said Nephirem the Malevolent, a 10,000-year-old, 70-foot-tall minotaur who has resided in hell since rising from the ashes of a smokeless flame. “At the end of the day, they’re just like anyone else. Everyone has the right to express their love for whomever they want. They don’t bother me in the slightest, and if anything, we in the Dark Lord’s Army encourage any and all public displays of affection between same-sex couples.”
“I think it’s great that they’ve carved out such a strong community for themselves here,” added the horned beast of ceaseless death and destruction. “I’m all for it.”
In stark contrast to Hell’s ongoing embrace of persecuted groups, sources confirmed that Heaven remains the most bigoted and intolerant place in the universe.
Friday, September 20, 2013
WHEN ENGINEERS GO TO HELL
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him down to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him up to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back up or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer when they’re all down here?"
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him down to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him up to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back up or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer when they’re all down here?"
Thursday, September 19, 2013
SONG FOR OLD FARTS
Here are some of the lyrics from a song written and sung by Libby L. Allen:
THE GREEN SIDE OF THE GRASS
On the other side of fifty,
There is something you should know.
The eyesight fades, the hearing fails,
And when you sneeze, the bladder goes.
The walk becomes a shuffle,
The bathroom is now your friend,
‘Cause without a single warning,
You've got to go again.
The wrinkles in that mirror,
Just can’t be on your face,
You think a stranger’s in the house,
‘Cause your things get out of place.
Arthritis comes to visit,
Gravity takes its toll,
The list of meds is growing,
Just part of getting old.
Look on the bright side…
You’re on the green side of the grass!
You’re not six feet under;
This day is not your last!
Though there may be senior moments,
‘Cause the memory is fading fast,
At least you’re on the green side of the grass!
THE GREEN SIDE OF THE GRASS
On the other side of fifty,
There is something you should know.
The eyesight fades, the hearing fails,
And when you sneeze, the bladder goes.
The walk becomes a shuffle,
The bathroom is now your friend,
‘Cause without a single warning,
You've got to go again.
The wrinkles in that mirror,
Just can’t be on your face,
You think a stranger’s in the house,
‘Cause your things get out of place.
Arthritis comes to visit,
Gravity takes its toll,
The list of meds is growing,
Just part of getting old.
Look on the bright side…
You’re on the green side of the grass!
You’re not six feet under;
This day is not your last!
Though there may be senior moments,
‘Cause the memory is fading fast,
At least you’re on the green side of the grass!
POEM FOR OLD FARTS
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age is upon me
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age is upon me
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.
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