The Schalotte / March 29, 2012
President Obama goes on a State visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack.
The undertakers tells the U.S. diplomats, "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $1,000."
The U.S. diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $1,000?"
One diplomat replied: "More than 2,000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply can't take that risk."
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
THE PRIEST’S PRAYING PARROTS
The Schalotte / March 27, 2012
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: ‘Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!’
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: ‘Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!’
Sunday, March 25, 2012
CLOSING OF STATE AVIARY FACILITIES PUTS HUNDREDS OF MENTALLY ILL BIRDS ON THE STREETS
The Onion / March 25, 2012
PROVIDENCE, RI—Due to budgetary constraints, the State of Rhode Island was forced to shutter a number of its aviary facilities Sunday, resulting in hundreds of mentally ill sparrows, pigeons, chickadees, pelicans, kestrels, and penguins being put out on the street.
"These birds are incapable of making the decisions necessary to navigate through everyday life," Providence Aviary administrator Margaret Lyons said as a disturbed grackle pecked at a spot on the ground where there was clearly no food. "With nowhere to go and no one to look after them, they roam the streets, sleep on telephone wires, and fly uncontrollably and repeatedly into large-frame plate-glass windows. Frankly, it's irresponsible and inhumane to release a kiwi that hears voices into a world where it could be a danger to itself or to others."
Gov. Lincoln Chafee has promised swift action, stating that he would close the state's cat shelters in order to rectify the situation.
PROVIDENCE, RI—Due to budgetary constraints, the State of Rhode Island was forced to shutter a number of its aviary facilities Sunday, resulting in hundreds of mentally ill sparrows, pigeons, chickadees, pelicans, kestrels, and penguins being put out on the street.
"These birds are incapable of making the decisions necessary to navigate through everyday life," Providence Aviary administrator Margaret Lyons said as a disturbed grackle pecked at a spot on the ground where there was clearly no food. "With nowhere to go and no one to look after them, they roam the streets, sleep on telephone wires, and fly uncontrollably and repeatedly into large-frame plate-glass windows. Frankly, it's irresponsible and inhumane to release a kiwi that hears voices into a world where it could be a danger to itself or to others."
Gov. Lincoln Chafee has promised swift action, stating that he would close the state's cat shelters in order to rectify the situation.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
NORMAN AND BARRY’S FIRST MARRIED NIGHT TOGETHER
The Schalotte / March 22, 2012
Norman and Barry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Norman 's parents’ house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, (Norman 's little brother), gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet.
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night, Norman came to my room for the Vaseline … and I think I gave him Dad’s tube of Super Glue.'
Norman and Barry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Norman 's parents’ house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, (Norman 's little brother), gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet.
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night, Norman came to my room for the Vaseline … and I think I gave him Dad’s tube of Super Glue.'
Saturday, March 17, 2012
WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT BEER AND DRINKING
The Schalotte / March 17, 2012
Here are some insightful quotes The Schalotte was able to find:
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Babe Ruth
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Paul Hornung
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. -- H.L. Mencken
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- George Bernard Shaw
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.-- Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.-- Dave Barry
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c. -- W.C. Fields
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. -- Professor Irwin Corey
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!-- Leo Durocher
I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends. -- The most interesting man in the world
Oshifer, I’fe had only two beers. -- Every drunk after being stopped by the police
Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.-- Cliff Clavin explaining the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm, on a TV episode of Cheers.
Here are some insightful quotes The Schalotte was able to find:
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Babe Ruth
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Paul Hornung
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. -- H.L. Mencken
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- George Bernard Shaw
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.-- Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.-- Dave Barry
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c. -- W.C. Fields
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. -- Professor Irwin Corey
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!-- Leo Durocher
I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends. -- The most interesting man in the world
Oshifer, I’fe had only two beers. -- Every drunk after being stopped by the police
Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.-- Cliff Clavin explaining the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm, on a TV episode of Cheers.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
The Schalotte / March 15, 2012
Guaranteed to work. If you don’t believe it, try them yourself.
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
Guaranteed to work. If you don’t believe it, try them yourself.
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
HOUSES OF WORSHIP INFESTED WITH SQUIRRELS
The Schalotte / March 14, 2012
There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and the Synagogue were overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they grabbed one male squirrel and held a ‘Bris’, which is a short ceremony in which someone called a ‘Mohel’ performed a circumcision on the critter. They haven't seen a squirrel in the Synagogue since.
There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and the Synagogue were overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they grabbed one male squirrel and held a ‘Bris’, which is a short ceremony in which someone called a ‘Mohel’ performed a circumcision on the critter. They haven't seen a squirrel in the Synagogue since.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
VATICAN DISPATCHES ELITE TEAM OF BISHOPS TO SABOTAGE CONTRACEPTIVE MANUFACTURER
The Onion / March 6, 2012
VATICAN CITY—Anonymous sources within the Vatican confirmed Tuesday that Pope Benedict XVI has dispatched a crack team of six highly skilled bishops to sabotage the New York headquarters of pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, a leading contraceptive manufacturer.
Responding to what it called the "ongoing crisis of readily available birth control," the Vatican reportedly assembled its finest clerical operatives—an elite unit consisting of the Roman Catholic Church's very best demolitions expert, cryptographer, forger, con artist, helicopter pilot, and martial arts master—and briefed them on the confidential mission in a secret command bunker deep beneath the catacombs of St. Peter's Basilica.
"Gentlemen, in today's world, God's divine plan itself is under threat," Pope Benedict is said to have told the bishops as he paced across a room full of large screens monitoring the world's top producers of oral contraceptives, condoms, intrauterine devices, and spermicidal lubricants. "Companies like Pfizer are making it possible for women to avoid bearing children they don't want or cannot afford to care for. Our intelligence assets indicate some are even engaging in sex for no purpose beyond their own pleasure."
"It's time to send a clear message that the church will not take this sitting down," the Pope continued. "It won't be easy, but you're the best consecrated men of God we have. And trust me, for this mission, we'll need the best."
Known officially as the Sixth Conclave for the Defense of Mankind Against All Carnalities of the Flesh—or Conclave 6, for short—the Vatican's most lethal squad of bishops is believed to be headed by master tactician Archbishop Wolfgang Haas of Liechtenstein, with major reconnaissance being handled by Phoenix Bishop Thomas "The Ground Hawk" Olmsted, who doubles as the group's sniper.
Sources said the team will be deployed to the extraction point near the Pfizer Building in midtown Manhattan at approximately 0900 hours this morning, at which point former KGB agent and master of disguise Archbishop Paolo Pezzi of Russia will proceed into the lobby dressed in a chemist's lab coat, while notorious ex-convict Li Shan, archbishop of Beijing, infiltrates the facility's ventilation system and dismantles all security devices.
After explosives expert Bishop Séamus Freeman plants his extremely powerful charges at key structural points within the skyscraper, the men will have approximately 10 minutes to rendezvous at their nearby safe house, St. Patrick's Cathedral.
"Conclave 6 is behind some of the Catholic Church's most crucial and dangerous operations," said an anonymous source within the Vatican, adding that the team has the highest kill count of any of the church's 33 special-ops units. "They've been known to confuse and outwit their opponents by communicating with one another across long distances using arcane liturgical chants sung piercingly in the original Latin. It's brilliant stuff. The Pope would trust them with his life."
"They'll have their work cut out for them this time," the source added, "but they can't turn this mission down—not with the potential lives of all those not-yet-conceived children on the line."
The team is expected to face tough security from Pfizer following a recent operation in which Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York replaced millions of doses of the company's Lo/Ovral-brand birth control drug with sugar pills, causing a successful number of unplanned pregnancies and a worldwide recall of the contraceptives.
"With the forces of secularism waging war against God, it is necessary that we respond with precision and—in some cases—violence," read an encrypted papal communication intercepted in Rome. "For it is nothing compared to the violence of the genocide being visited every day upon billions of unfertilized ova."
"We shall not rest until we have ensured every human sexual act concludes with the unimpeded ejaculation of each drop of semen directly into the vagina of a woman," the pope's message continued.
Reached for comment, Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi refused to comment on rumors that a B-team of covert needle-wielding ordained priests had been dispatched to a latex factory in New Jersey to poke tiny holes in thousands of Trojan condoms.
VATICAN CITY—Anonymous sources within the Vatican confirmed Tuesday that Pope Benedict XVI has dispatched a crack team of six highly skilled bishops to sabotage the New York headquarters of pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, a leading contraceptive manufacturer.
Responding to what it called the "ongoing crisis of readily available birth control," the Vatican reportedly assembled its finest clerical operatives—an elite unit consisting of the Roman Catholic Church's very best demolitions expert, cryptographer, forger, con artist, helicopter pilot, and martial arts master—and briefed them on the confidential mission in a secret command bunker deep beneath the catacombs of St. Peter's Basilica.
"Gentlemen, in today's world, God's divine plan itself is under threat," Pope Benedict is said to have told the bishops as he paced across a room full of large screens monitoring the world's top producers of oral contraceptives, condoms, intrauterine devices, and spermicidal lubricants. "Companies like Pfizer are making it possible for women to avoid bearing children they don't want or cannot afford to care for. Our intelligence assets indicate some are even engaging in sex for no purpose beyond their own pleasure."
"It's time to send a clear message that the church will not take this sitting down," the Pope continued. "It won't be easy, but you're the best consecrated men of God we have. And trust me, for this mission, we'll need the best."
Known officially as the Sixth Conclave for the Defense of Mankind Against All Carnalities of the Flesh—or Conclave 6, for short—the Vatican's most lethal squad of bishops is believed to be headed by master tactician Archbishop Wolfgang Haas of Liechtenstein, with major reconnaissance being handled by Phoenix Bishop Thomas "The Ground Hawk" Olmsted, who doubles as the group's sniper.
Sources said the team will be deployed to the extraction point near the Pfizer Building in midtown Manhattan at approximately 0900 hours this morning, at which point former KGB agent and master of disguise Archbishop Paolo Pezzi of Russia will proceed into the lobby dressed in a chemist's lab coat, while notorious ex-convict Li Shan, archbishop of Beijing, infiltrates the facility's ventilation system and dismantles all security devices.
After explosives expert Bishop Séamus Freeman plants his extremely powerful charges at key structural points within the skyscraper, the men will have approximately 10 minutes to rendezvous at their nearby safe house, St. Patrick's Cathedral.
"Conclave 6 is behind some of the Catholic Church's most crucial and dangerous operations," said an anonymous source within the Vatican, adding that the team has the highest kill count of any of the church's 33 special-ops units. "They've been known to confuse and outwit their opponents by communicating with one another across long distances using arcane liturgical chants sung piercingly in the original Latin. It's brilliant stuff. The Pope would trust them with his life."
"They'll have their work cut out for them this time," the source added, "but they can't turn this mission down—not with the potential lives of all those not-yet-conceived children on the line."
The team is expected to face tough security from Pfizer following a recent operation in which Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York replaced millions of doses of the company's Lo/Ovral-brand birth control drug with sugar pills, causing a successful number of unplanned pregnancies and a worldwide recall of the contraceptives.
"With the forces of secularism waging war against God, it is necessary that we respond with precision and—in some cases—violence," read an encrypted papal communication intercepted in Rome. "For it is nothing compared to the violence of the genocide being visited every day upon billions of unfertilized ova."
"We shall not rest until we have ensured every human sexual act concludes with the unimpeded ejaculation of each drop of semen directly into the vagina of a woman," the pope's message continued.
Reached for comment, Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi refused to comment on rumors that a B-team of covert needle-wielding ordained priests had been dispatched to a latex factory in New Jersey to poke tiny holes in thousands of Trojan condoms.
Friday, March 9, 2012
ED THE CHICKEN
The Schalotte / March 9, 2012
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ed, wake up! You just shit in the bed!"
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ed, wake up! You just shit in the bed!"
Saturday, March 3, 2012
METH ADDICTS DEMAND GOVERNMENT ADDRESS NATION’S GROWING SPIDER MENACE
The Onion / January 30, 2007 (Reprinted March 3, 2012)
WASHINGTON, DC—Following the tragic falling death of 32-year-old methamphetamine addict Phillip Diggs, who was reportedly attacked by spiders while scaling a large construction crane near Palo Alto, CA, thousands of outraged and confused meth addicts marched frenetically on Washington as part of a week of activities urging the federal government to address the nation's growing spider epidemic.
"Something needs to be done and it needs to be done soon—these spiders are everywhere," said Rich Harlowe, event organizer and founder of Tweakers' Rights NowNowNowNowNowNowNowNowNow!, in testimony before a Senate committee Tuesday. "The government must address this problem before the situation gets out of hand and these poisonous, acid-shooting spiders develop the powers of mind control or—God forbid—flight."
"America cannot afford to ignore this any crisis any longer," Harlowe added.
The rally drew addicts from every part of the country, many traveling on foot through the night, trading sex with truck drivers for rides, or stealing their brothers-in-law's bicycles. At dozens of rambling public speeches, organizers decried the fact that it took the spider-related death of an innocent meth addict to raise awareness of the issue, while lauding the bravery of meth addicts, and methamphetamines themselves.
A 45,000-word proposal was drafted by members of TRN during a marathon, 72-hour meeting under the Roosevelt Bridge, and presented twice to the Senate Indian Affairs Committee. The document, which includes schematics for the development of a giant "spider bomb" the size of Rhode Island, concludes repeatedly that the problem would best be combated with large quantities of methamphetamines and steel wool.
"This very morning, I saw a small child completely covered in hairy, bloodsucking, screaming tarantulas while his parents stood by and did nothing," said protester Joe Lopez, pausing to spit out a black and decayed tooth. "I was appalled. I shouted horrible profanities and incantations at them, but they ignored me."
"I, I, I don't—this is just, just, just—I, I, I—guh, ah," he added.
TRN activists claimed that they called for federal assistance only as a last resort, after months of trying to contain the problem with diplomacy, force, cathode rays, and methamphetamines.
"These spiders are unstoppable," meth addict and self-described spider-hater Christine Mitchell said. "We've tried everything from scrubbing ourselves raw with bleach, to burning them off with lit cigarettes, to scrubbing ourselves raw with bleach. We've even tried burning them off with lit cigarettes. We're out of options."
Mitchell urged senators to form an anti-spider task force, but cautioned that the creatures' ability to appear and disappear at will would rule out a bleach-related "quick fix" solution to the infestation.
Several other unnamed addicts who wandered in and out of the hearings described their efforts to establish "an open dialogue" with the spiders, but said the arachnids responded by growing dramatically in size and speaking with the voices of John Goodman, Gene Hackman, and Rosie Perez, bringing the first round of negotiations to an abrupt end.
"We tried talking to them, we tried screaming at them, we tried bursting into uncontrollable 2crying fits in front of them, but nothing seemed to work," said one witness, who refused to divulge his name, age, or "who sent [him] here." "Even with human heads, they would not listen to reason."
Though most committee members had left the hearings before Harlowe's closing remarks at 3:30 a.m. Wednesday, some indicated a willingness to investigate the addicts' claims more closely.
"I believe it is our duty and responsibility to act before we lose even more Americans of voting age," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D–CA), who noted that her home state had more meth addicts than any other in the country. "Pollsters tell us that one in five voters is, has been, or will be a meth addict at some point in their lifetimes. That's a voting bloc too big for us to ignore."
WASHINGTON, DC—Following the tragic falling death of 32-year-old methamphetamine addict Phillip Diggs, who was reportedly attacked by spiders while scaling a large construction crane near Palo Alto, CA, thousands of outraged and confused meth addicts marched frenetically on Washington as part of a week of activities urging the federal government to address the nation's growing spider epidemic.
"Something needs to be done and it needs to be done soon—these spiders are everywhere," said Rich Harlowe, event organizer and founder of Tweakers' Rights NowNowNowNowNowNowNowNowNow!, in testimony before a Senate committee Tuesday. "The government must address this problem before the situation gets out of hand and these poisonous, acid-shooting spiders develop the powers of mind control or—God forbid—flight."
"America cannot afford to ignore this any crisis any longer," Harlowe added.
The rally drew addicts from every part of the country, many traveling on foot through the night, trading sex with truck drivers for rides, or stealing their brothers-in-law's bicycles. At dozens of rambling public speeches, organizers decried the fact that it took the spider-related death of an innocent meth addict to raise awareness of the issue, while lauding the bravery of meth addicts, and methamphetamines themselves.
A 45,000-word proposal was drafted by members of TRN during a marathon, 72-hour meeting under the Roosevelt Bridge, and presented twice to the Senate Indian Affairs Committee. The document, which includes schematics for the development of a giant "spider bomb" the size of Rhode Island, concludes repeatedly that the problem would best be combated with large quantities of methamphetamines and steel wool.
"This very morning, I saw a small child completely covered in hairy, bloodsucking, screaming tarantulas while his parents stood by and did nothing," said protester Joe Lopez, pausing to spit out a black and decayed tooth. "I was appalled. I shouted horrible profanities and incantations at them, but they ignored me."
"I, I, I don't—this is just, just, just—I, I, I—guh, ah," he added.
TRN activists claimed that they called for federal assistance only as a last resort, after months of trying to contain the problem with diplomacy, force, cathode rays, and methamphetamines.
"These spiders are unstoppable," meth addict and self-described spider-hater Christine Mitchell said. "We've tried everything from scrubbing ourselves raw with bleach, to burning them off with lit cigarettes, to scrubbing ourselves raw with bleach. We've even tried burning them off with lit cigarettes. We're out of options."
Mitchell urged senators to form an anti-spider task force, but cautioned that the creatures' ability to appear and disappear at will would rule out a bleach-related "quick fix" solution to the infestation.
Several other unnamed addicts who wandered in and out of the hearings described their efforts to establish "an open dialogue" with the spiders, but said the arachnids responded by growing dramatically in size and speaking with the voices of John Goodman, Gene Hackman, and Rosie Perez, bringing the first round of negotiations to an abrupt end.
"We tried talking to them, we tried screaming at them, we tried bursting into uncontrollable 2crying fits in front of them, but nothing seemed to work," said one witness, who refused to divulge his name, age, or "who sent [him] here." "Even with human heads, they would not listen to reason."
Though most committee members had left the hearings before Harlowe's closing remarks at 3:30 a.m. Wednesday, some indicated a willingness to investigate the addicts' claims more closely.
"I believe it is our duty and responsibility to act before we lose even more Americans of voting age," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D–CA), who noted that her home state had more meth addicts than any other in the country. "Pollsters tell us that one in five voters is, has been, or will be a meth addict at some point in their lifetimes. That's a voting bloc too big for us to ignore."
Thursday, March 1, 2012
TOOL PRIMER
The Schalotte / March 1, 2012
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
FUCKIT: (The first known and still most common tool used by mankind) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'FUCK IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
FUCKIT: (The first known and still most common tool used by mankind) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'FUCK IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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