By Pamela Putz / The Schalotte / February 28, 2012
Every time a winner was announced, the losers in that category smiled and applauded along with the rest of the Oscar audience. Most of the losers’ smiles looked rather forced. The Schalotte was able to contact some of the leading actor and actress losers after a night of drinking their sorrows away at post-Oscar parties.
Here is what some of the losers told this reporter, sans phony smiles and applause:
LEADING ACTOR (Won by Jean Dujardin for The Artist)
George Clooney (The Descendants): I can’t believe they chose that Frog over me. And he didn’t even have to memorize one fucking line. I gave the best performance of my life and they gave that statue to a fucking Frog. Hey waiter, get me another drink. Shit, if they’re going to give the best actor award for someone in that film, they should have given it to the dog, not to that fucking Frog with his shit-eating grin.
Brad Pitt (Moneyball): How do I really feel? I’ll let Angie [Angelina Jolie] speak for me. Go ahead, Honey, tell this lady how I really feel.
Angelina Jolie: Brad feels like shit. You can see that, can’t you? Having to sit there and applaud when they gave the Oscar to that French guy, what’s his name. Brad was fucked from the start by the media, ‘cause they favored what’s his name and Pretty Boy [Clooney] over my Brad. Fuck em!
LEADING ACTRESS (Won by Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady)
Viola Davis (The Help): How do I feel? How do you think I feel? Everyone said I was favored to win and what do they do? They give the Oscar to that old woman. Shit, she’s already got two Oscars, wasn’t it twenty years ago that she won the second one? It’s because 94 percent of the Academy members who choose the winners are white. She’s white and I’m black. That’s why I lost. Shit!
Michelle Williams (My Week With Marilyn): Whops, I’m a little tipsy. And I’m pissed off too. Everybody says I looked exactly like Marilyn Monroe. I played her to the hilt. My acting was perfect in showing how Marilyn struggled with her fame, her beauty and her desire to be a great actress. And what do they do? They give that fucking Oscar to that old bitch. I need another drink. And make that a stiff one, Honey.
Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs): So what else is new? I’ve lost out on the Oscar five times before last night. But I’m still pissed off. I’ve tried to get this film made for 30 years and I finally raised the money to do it. It was torturous to be made up to look like a man for every shoot. Look, I love Meryl and she deserved to win, but she’s already gotten two Oscars. God damn it, it just struck me! The reason I must have lost again is because I looked so much like a man in my film, the academy couldn’t recognize me as a woman. Oh shit, I fucked myself, didn’t I?
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
POLICE REPORT: SEXUAL ASSAULT NUMBERS UNDER CONTROL, UNLESS YOU COUNT THE SUPER BRUTAL ONES
The Onion / February 24, 2012
LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that incidences of sexual assault in 2010 have plummeted to record lows, that is, if one excludes the attacks that are just really awful and merciless. "Thanks to the tireless efforts of law enforcement, women are less likely to be mildly sexually assaulted than ever before," LAPD spokesman Jack Baker said. "Now, as far as women being raped and abused in the most horrifying circumstances imaginable, those numbers are of course way, way up. Almost astronomically so, really." As the odds of being inappropriately touched by a stranger on a bus continue to drop, Baker added that citizens can now rest easy as long as they're not worried about having their throat slashed after being raped by a partner or close friend.
LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that incidences of sexual assault in 2010 have plummeted to record lows, that is, if one excludes the attacks that are just really awful and merciless. "Thanks to the tireless efforts of law enforcement, women are less likely to be mildly sexually assaulted than ever before," LAPD spokesman Jack Baker said. "Now, as far as women being raped and abused in the most horrifying circumstances imaginable, those numbers are of course way, way up. Almost astronomically so, really." As the odds of being inappropriately touched by a stranger on a bus continue to drop, Baker added that citizens can now rest easy as long as they're not worried about having their throat slashed after being raped by a partner or close friend.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
HOW THE INTERNET GOT STARTED
The Schalotte / February 22, 2012
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And now you know the truth – Al Gore did not invent the internet.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And now you know the truth – Al Gore did not invent the internet.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
GUN CONTROL: UNARMED CITIZENRY DEFINED
The Schalotte / February 16, 2012
The theory that a woman found dead in an alley, raped and strangled with her own pantyhose, is somehow morally superior to a woman holding a smoking gun and explaining to the police how her mortally wounded attacker got those bullet holes to the chest and head.
The theory that a woman found dead in an alley, raped and strangled with her own pantyhose, is somehow morally superior to a woman holding a smoking gun and explaining to the police how her mortally wounded attacker got those bullet holes to the chest and head.
Friday, February 10, 2012
IRAN WORRIED U.S. MIGHT BE BUILDING 8,500TH NUCLEAR WEAPON
The Onion / February 9, 2012
TEHRAN—Amidst mounting geopolitical tensions, Iranian officials said Wednesday they were increasingly concerned about the United States of America's uranium-enrichment program, fearing the Western nation may soon be capable of producing its 8,500th nuclear weapon. "Our intelligence estimates indicate that, if it is allowed to progress with its aggressive nuclear program, the United States may soon possess its 8,500th atomic weapon capable of reaching Iran," said Iranian foreign minister Ali Akbar Salehi, adding that Americans have the fuel, the facilities, and "everything they need" to manufacture even more weapons-grade fissile material. "Obviously, the prospect of this happening is very distressing to Iran and all countries like Iran. After all, the United States is a volatile nation that's proven it needs little provocation to attack anyone anywhere in the world whom it perceives to be a threat." Iranian intelligence experts also warned of the very real, and very frightening, possibility of the U.S. providing weapons and resources to a rogue third-party state such as Israel.
TEHRAN—Amidst mounting geopolitical tensions, Iranian officials said Wednesday they were increasingly concerned about the United States of America's uranium-enrichment program, fearing the Western nation may soon be capable of producing its 8,500th nuclear weapon. "Our intelligence estimates indicate that, if it is allowed to progress with its aggressive nuclear program, the United States may soon possess its 8,500th atomic weapon capable of reaching Iran," said Iranian foreign minister Ali Akbar Salehi, adding that Americans have the fuel, the facilities, and "everything they need" to manufacture even more weapons-grade fissile material. "Obviously, the prospect of this happening is very distressing to Iran and all countries like Iran. After all, the United States is a volatile nation that's proven it needs little provocation to attack anyone anywhere in the world whom it perceives to be a threat." Iranian intelligence experts also warned of the very real, and very frightening, possibility of the U.S. providing weapons and resources to a rogue third-party state such as Israel.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
PAID TO DO IT, BUT FAILS TO MAKE HIS NEIGHBOR’S WIFE PREGNANT AFTER 72 ATTEMPTS
In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honorable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant
The Schalotte / February 8, 2012
It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.
So, Soupolos, after calming his wife’s protests, hired his neighbor, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.
Soupolos paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.
When his own wife objected, he explained, "I don’t like this any more than you. I’m simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."
When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.
The doctor’s announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.
Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.
The Schalotte / February 8, 2012
It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.
So, Soupolos, after calming his wife’s protests, hired his neighbor, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.
Soupolos paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.
When his own wife objected, he explained, "I don’t like this any more than you. I’m simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."
When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.
The doctor’s announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.
Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
LETTER TO PAM
The Schalotte / February 7, 2012
Dear Pam
I’m a Techie, so I hope you can understand me.
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow-down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed
Desperate
Dear Desperate
I had no trouble understanding you. Here is how I see your problem in Techie speak:
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program as it will download the Gas Passing and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs avirus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). In addition, please DO NOT attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Signed
Pam
Dear Pam
I’m a Techie, so I hope you can understand me.
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow-down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed
Desperate
Dear Desperate
I had no trouble understanding you. Here is how I see your problem in Techie speak:
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program as it will download the Gas Passing and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs avirus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). In addition, please DO NOT attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Signed
Pam
Sunday, February 5, 2012
‘ELECTILE DYSFUNCION’ AND ‘STUPOR BOWL SUNDAY’
By Ima Schmuck / The Schalotte / February 5, 2012
The Schalotte has just been informed by a reliable source that Webster’s dictionary has now officially recognized two new terms.
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either political party in the 2012 election year.
STUPOR BOWL SUNDAY: One Sunday each year when an overhyped ordinary American football game causes millions of people to fall into a stupor.
The Schalotte has just been informed by a reliable source that Webster’s dictionary has now officially recognized two new terms.
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either political party in the 2012 election year.
STUPOR BOWL SUNDAY: One Sunday each year when an overhyped ordinary American football game causes millions of people to fall into a stupor.
Friday, February 3, 2012
DONATIONS FOR MEMBERS OF CONGRESS
by Ima Schmuck / The Schalotte / February 3, 2012
I was on my way to interview Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano when I got stuck in a traffic jam just outside Washington. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. I rolled the window down and asked, "What's going on?"
He replied, "Terrorists have kidnapped most members of Congress, and they're asking for a 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
I asked, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
The man replied, "Roughly a gallon."
I was on my way to interview Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano when I got stuck in a traffic jam just outside Washington. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. I rolled the window down and asked, "What's going on?"
He replied, "Terrorists have kidnapped most members of Congress, and they're asking for a 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
I asked, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
The man replied, "Roughly a gallon."
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