Thursday, October 16, 2014


Texas man installs cost-free security system that also provides him with round-the-clock personal protection

Bob resides in the Dallas suburb of Plano. Even though he lives in an upscale gated community, many residents there have suffered from burglaries and home invasions. Bob decided he needed a better home security system.

In order to obtain better security, Bob tore out his ADT alarm system and notified his Neighborhood Watch captain that he no longer wanted them to watch his property.

Bob then purchased two Pakistani flags and one ISIS flag. He raised the three flags in his front Yard, the Pakistani flags at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The Plano police, Collin County sheriff's deputies, Texas DPS, FBI, U.S. Marshals, CIA and other intelligence services are all watching Bob’s house 24/7. Furthermore, Bob has officers from those agencies following him everywhere he goes.

Bob now has a near-perfect security and personal protection system, and he only had to pay for the flags and flag poles. Plus, he no longer has to pay those monthly ADT charges.

Bob never felt safer in his whole life.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


Bob met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. Bob found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if he'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that?’, he asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As Bob’s mind began to relish the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, 'No, I haven't.'

They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'Tonight's your lucky night, Bob.'

They left the bar and went to her place, all the while he was trembling in anticipation. They walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

' still awake?'


The NIH spent millions of dollars on wacky projects like an origami condom design, a study of sex among fruit flies, an online game for Michelle’s anti-obesity campaign, a study of chimpanzee poop-throwing skills, etc., and now complains it did not have any money to develop an Ebola vaccine

BarkGrowlBite | October 15, 2014

Talk about your tax dollars at work, the expenditures by the National Institutes of Health are absolutely mind-boggling.

The NIH spent $2.4 million for a new ‘origami’ condom design. Daniel Resnic, the creator of the origami condom, conned the idiots at NIH into wasting all that money on condoms based on Japanese folding paper. Resnic is now under investigation for fraud, accused of spending some of the money on cosmetic surgery, a Playboy Mansion party and exotic trips..

$939,000 was spent on the sex habits of fruit flies and concluded that the males prefer younger females. In other words, they spent nearly a million dollars to learn that male fruit flies are just like their human counterparts, since men prefer to fuck younger women.

$257,000 was spent to produce “Virtual Sprouts” an online game which is a companion to Michelle Obama’s White House garden and is designed to teach nutrition and to fight obesity.

$592,000 was spent studying the shit slinging skills of Chimpanzees which found that chimps with the best communication skills were also best at flinging poop. Another $117,000 was spent to learn that most chimps are right-handed.

$325,000 was spent studying arguments between husbands and wives. The study found that when wives ‘downgraded’ [calmed down] their anger during an argument, both spouses had a more satisfying marriage over time. Not so, however, when men calmed down.

$666,000 was spent studying the effect on old people of watching reruns of sitcoms like Seinfeld and watching old movies.

$181,000 was spent on a study which found that cocaine use ‘enhanced’ the sex drive of the Japanese quail.

$548,000 was spent on a study that found partygoers in their 30s felt immature after binge drinking while those in their 20s didn’t.

$610,000 was spent on a survey of 120 countries to see how satisfied people are with their lives in those countries.

$484,000 was spent on a study to see if hypnosis can reduce hot flashes in women. Another $294,000 was spent to see if yoga could do the same.

$1.1 million was spent studying how athletes perceive their in-game surroundings. Among other things, the study found that golfers can putt better if they imagine the hole is bigger. [I think that men would enjoy sex better if they imagined the hole was smaller.]

$832,000 was spent to learn if it was possible to get South African tribesmen who had not been circumcised into the habit of washing their dicks off after having sex.

Those expenditures totaled $9.345 million, and that's only a partial list of studies, the expenditures for which would be considered by any reasonable person as wasteful spending. But then, we can all sleep better now knowing that the bigger a golfer imagines the hole to be, the better he can putt.

Providing us with a perfect example of chutzpah, NIH chief Dr. Francis Collins is now complaining that lack of funding prevented his agency from developing an Ebola vaccine.

I believe that Dr. Collins, and every person at NIH who had any part in approving these grants, be made to stand in front of the best communicating Chimpanzees every day for a month and let those chimps pelt them all day long with ape shit. Maybe, just maybe, that would teach them to stop wasting our tax dollars.

Wait a minute, not so fast. Maybe I can get a $500,000 grant from the NIH to conduct a study on the pleasure a man gets from having sex with a woman depending on the size of her hole.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014


The voice recorder revealed that just before the Airbus 330 plunged into the Atlantic, one of the pilots shouted “Fuck, we’re dead!”

BarkGrowlBite | October 14, 2014

On May 31, 2009, Air France Flight 447 took off from Rio de Janeiro headed for Paris with 228 people onboard. The flight crew included Captain Marc Dubois, 58, and junior copilots David Robert, 37, and Pierre-Cedric Bonin, 32. Prior to the flight, Capt. Dubois had spent the night on the town with his girlfriend, an off-duty flight attendant and opera singer, who accompanied him on the trip. 4 hours and 15 minutes after taking off from Rio, the Airbus 330 smacked onto the surface of the Atlantic, killing all 228 onboard. After a long search, a French submarine carrying special equipment, found the wreckage. Two years after the crash, the flight recorders and all bodies were finally recovered.

The October issue of Vanity Fair carries an account of the investigation. Sometime after takeoff, Robert retied to the plane’s rest compartment, a small cabin with two berths behind the cockpit, to take a nap. About 15 minutes before the crash, Dubois also retired to the rest compartment, leaving Bonin in control, even though he knew a storm was ahead. If he had delayed his nap for only 15 minutes, he would have been at the controls instead of the inexperienced Bolin.

When the plane hit the bad weather, its airspeed sensors malfunctioned and the Airbus 330 went into a stall. 1 minute 39 seconds later, Dubois and Robert reappeared in the cockpit. But by then Bonin had made a fatal mistake by raising the plane’s nose instead of lowering it as the procedure for coming out of a stall calls for. Raising the plane’s nose just increased the stall.

Here are a few pertinent excerpts from the flight recorder:

Dubois: “I didn’t sleep enough last night. One hour, it’s not enough.”

Robert: “Fuck, we’re going to crash. It’s not true. But what’s happening?”

Robert or Bonin shouted: “Fuck, we’re dead!”

And dead they were, along with all the flight attendants and passengers. Dubois and Robert did not break any rules by leaving the cockpit to take a nap. But Dubois is guilty of using bad judgment twice. First by staying out all night in Rio with his girlfriend and then when he left an inexperience pilot at the controls to take a nap, even though he knew bad weather was ahead.

So now we can add the phrase, “Fuck, we’re dead!” to famous last words.

Monday, October 13, 2014


The definition of adultery in the Talmud absolved the President of cheating on his wife while he got all those blow jobs from Monica Lewinsky

BarkGrowlBite | October 13, 2014

A new batch of records released by the Clinton Library reveal that Ruby Shamir, Hillary’s domestic policy adviser, gave White House officials and Bill an excuse to claim that the philandering president did not cheat on Hillary when he got all those blow jobs from Monica Lewinsky.

Shamir found a Jewish professor who supplied her with the definition of adultery from the Talmud. Susannah Heschel, a professor of Jewish Studies at Dartmouth, claimed that the Talmud defines adultery as a married man having intercourse with a married woman. And since Monica was not married during the nine different times she gave Bill blow jobs, the President did not commit adultery and did not cheat on the First Lady.

What a crock of supreme shit! The Talmud notwithstanding, any way you look at it, Bill was clearly cheating on poor ole Hillary. Now, if Bill had converted to Judaism, he might possibly have gotten away with that excuse.

Actually, the Talmud defines adultery as sexual intercourse between a married woman and a man other than her husband. If I haven’t misread it, that seems to put the onus all on the woman.

So fellows, those of you that have been cheating on your wives, just convert to Judaism and then, since you will not be committing adultery, you can get over any guilt feelings you may have.


A New Jersey high school football team initiated new team members by pinning them down, sticking a finger up their bare asses and making them lick those fingers clean

BarkGrowlBite | October 13, 2014

Arrest warrants were issued last week for seven football players on Sayreville War Memorial High School’s football team and the school superintendent has cancelled the rest of the New Jersey team’s football schedule.

Three football players have been charged with aggravated sexual assault involving anal penetration, criminal restraint, hazing and other crimes. The other four have been charged with aggravated criminal sexual contact and other crimes. The assaults took place from September 19 to 29.

An unnamed parent of one of the victims revealed what form the hazing took. Boys new to the football team were assaulted in the locker room. Four team members would pin a freshman down, two would stand guard and the seventh would howl, then turn off the lights and stick his finger up the victim’s bare ass. And for the hazing climax, the victim was then forced to lick his own shit from the assailant’s finger.

If all this sounds revolting, it is! The assaults are beyond comprehension of any sane person. The superintendent was right in canceling the rest of the football season and he should fire the school’s athletic director and all of the school’s football coaches. There’s simply no way they were not aware of what was going on.

Now a lot of parents are upset that the season has been cancelled. They are complaining that players who did not participate in the sexual assault rituals are being punished for what others have done. Their whining doesn’t hold water because, like the coaches, the 'innocent' players had to be aware of what was being done to the new team members. By keeping silent, they must share some of the blame.

A family court will have to decide whether those arrested will be released to their parents or held in a juvenile detention facility. My feeling is that they should be held in an adult jail where they could experience what forcible anal penetration feels like.

Sunday, October 12, 2014


An Avella, Pennsylvania woman has been arrested for committing multiple unspeakable acts of child abuse against her 16-year-old adopted daughter

BarkGrowlBite | October 12, 2014

Rana Cooper, 46, of Avella in Washington County, Pennsylvania, was arrested Monday, accused of:

Forcing her 16-year-old adopted daughter to eat used cat litter

Threatening to gouge her eyes out and slice off her tongue

Attempting to sew her mouth shut with a needle and thread

Choking her until she blacked out on two occasions

Striking her in the face with a belt buckle

Shoving a Q-tip in her ear, causing a hearing loss

Forcing her to run her finger along the rim of the toilet and lick off what was on her finger

Beating her with a hair brush

Spitting on her

Forcing her to eat half a tube of toothpaste

Biting her nose until it bled

Cooper and her husband adopted the victim in 2008 when she was 10 years old. They have six other children.

Washington County child welfare authorities were alerted to the abuses last May as they were investigating an assault at the victim’s school.

The victim told the cops that she was allowed to eat only once a day, and then only when the rest of the family had finished their meals. She said that when Cooper would choke her, her husband told her to stop, but then he just stood by and watched as his wife continued with the choking. She also claimed she was repeatedly bitten by the family’s Dobermans.

Rana Cooper is facing numerous charges including child endangerment, reckless endangerment and assault.

Cooper’s 24-year-old son Ronnie told authorities that all the charges are a pack of lies.

I don’t know whether all the allegations are true or not, but if only half of them are, Rana Cooper is truly a mother from hell.

Saturday, October 11, 2014


Texas gubernatorial candidate Wendy Davis’ husband took out a 10-year student loan for her Harvard law school education and she dumped him as soon as she graduated

BarkGrowlBite | October 11, 2014

“Wendy knows something about the American dream. She was the daughter of a single mother, and by age of 19 she was a mother herself. But Wendy worked hard. She went onto college and Harvard Law School. Wendy Davis knows the power of education."

So speaks Michelle Obama in a radio ad on behalf of the Texas gubernatorial candidate. She was obviously referring to Davis’ sob story that "By the time I was 19, I was a single parent. And I was living in a mobile home in southeast Fort Worth." And she went on to tell about her struggle to pay for her college education and Harvard Law School.

However, the Dallas Morning News exposed Davis’ story as a fraud. She was 21 by the time she was a single mother and she did not live in a trailer park. She received an academic scholarship and a Pell Grant for her first two years at Texas Christian University, and Jeff Davis, her second husband, paid for her final two years at TCU. Furthermore, Jeff cashed in his 401(k) account and took out a 10-year loan to pay for her Harvard law education.

And what did Wendy do as soon as she graduated from Harvard Law School? She dumped Jeff’s ass and filed for divorce, leaving the duped bastard to pay off that 10-year loan. Maybe what she did is acceptable to women, but for men sleezy is the only way to describe Wendy Davis.

Because the Dallas Morning News exposé received a hefty dose of national attention, Michelle Obama had to know that she was helping a sleezy candidate.

Friday, October 10, 2014


Paddy’s mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife, your daughter, telling her I was coming home today from my golfing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got your E-mail!"


Endangered lizard impedes construction of maximum security building at Australian prison

BarkGrowlBite | October 10, 2014

Some of you may be able to recall the 1973 saga of the endangered snail darter, a tiny fish, that delayed the completion of the Tellico Dam on the Little Tennessee River. Environmentalists obtained an injunction to stop construction of the dam under the Endangered Species act. The case eventually reached the Supreme Court which upheld the injunction. It took a Congressional Act to overturn the SCOTUS decision and allow the dam to be completed in 1979.

At this time Australia is embroiled in its own ‘snail darter’ controversy. Correctional authorities in Victoria want to construct a new maximum security building at Barwon Prison to house Victoria’s most dangerous prison inmates. Environmentalists are trying to stop the construction because the site is the habitat of an endangered species of legless lizards.

Here is the heads up from Dorina Lisson:

A maximum security unit planned to be built at Barwon Prison has been dealt a blow to the Department of Corrections Victoria. The building cannot go ahead due to concerns there could be rare 'legless lizards' in the area.

The proposed maximum security building was to house the state's most dangerous criminals. Although the Department of Corrections expects to proceed with the building, Melbourne Zoo animal experts, including animal and human rights activists, are strongly opposed to the building, due to the possible risk of extinction of the legless lizards.

Now, if you think Dorina is joking, you are wrong. Australia’s station 3AW reports there are two species of legless lizards in Australia and the ones around Barwon Prison are thought to be in danger of extinction.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014


A police officer was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, he kept feeling something pulling at his crotch hairs.

Worried that he might have had a second surgery that the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up so he could see what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and genitals were three very wide strips of heavy duty Gorilla Tape, the duct tape that doesn't come off easily... if at all.

Written on the Gorilla Tape in bold black letters was the sentence:

"Get well soon, from the nurse in the red Ford Mustang you pulled over and cited last week."


This is a story of self-control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well-placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire pistol.

These are her own words.:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my husband in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

I love that pistol. I'll find another husband.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014


Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the asshole had a paper route.


A mother’s ashes destined to be spread in the Caribbean Sea, were spread instead by TSA agents throughout a suitcase

BarkGrowlBite | October 7, 2014

Shannon Thomas filed a $750,000 federal lawsuit Thursday against the Transportation Security Administration and unnamed TSA agents at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport for dumping his mother’s cremated remains throughout his suitcase.

Nearly two years ago, Thomas booked a flight from Cleveland, Ohio to Puerto Rico in order to fulfill his mother’s wish to have her ashes spread in the Caribbean Sea. He packed his suitcase with a "very heavy and sturdy" urn which had a tightly screwed on top to keep the ashes from getting spilled. He padded the urn with his clothing in order to protect it.

When he arrived in Puerto Rico he discovered that the ashes had been spread throughout the suitcase. The bag contained a TSA inspection notice. He found that the TSA agents did not screw the urn’s top back on properly.

In his lawsuit Thomas says that no one from the TSA or the U.S. government has ever issued an apology or explanation to him and the only notification he got was the inspection notice which was left inside the suitcase.

It appears as though Homeland Security is keeping us safe by hiring a bunch of dumbass TSA agents, many of them having been caught stealing valuables out of the luggage they were supposedly inspecting.

The boners pulled by the TSA are too numerous to list. They include making grandmothers in their 80s remove their shoes. TSA agents failed to recognize former Secretary of State Henri Kissinger - 89 at the time and in a wheelchair - and subjected him to a full pat-down. Children as young as four have also been given the full pat-down treatment along with those 80-smoething grannies.

Now, don’t you all feel safer knowing that Homeland Security has our backs? Oh by the way, Israeli airport security officials do not search children and the elderly unless prior intelligence requires it. For TSA to do so is a ridiculous and worthless practice designed to make the flying public feel safer.

Monday, October 6, 2014




President Obama announces that the CIA has uncovered an ISIS plot to spread Ebola throughout the U.S. and Britain

By Ura Schlemiel, White House correspondent

Newsflash: At a hastily called press conference, President Obama, flanked by the heads of the CIA, Homeland Security, the FBI and ICE, announced that the CIA has uncovered a plot by ISIS to spread Ebola throughout this country and Britain. The president said the purpose of this press conference is to warn all Americans of this potential threat and to assure them that their government is doing everything possible to thwart this plot. He said that because they only learned of this plot a few minutes ago, no questions would be allowed.

Obama said, “I am putting this country into a crisis mode and ordering Homeland Security, the FBI and ICE to immediately put in place procedures that will keep ISIS from carrying out this diabolical plot. CIA Director John Brennan will explain.”

Brennan: “Our agents have learned from very reliable sources in Syria that ISIS will recruit Africans in Guinea, Sierra Leone and Liberia that have been in intimate contact with Ebola victims and exposed to their body fluids. They will pay each recruit $1,000 and give them airline tickets to fly to America and Britain with the goal of having them spread the deadly disease throughout the two countries. The Africans will be provided with fake passports and visas, and take surreptitious routes to disguise their points of origin. Since the incubation period usually takes around 21 days, they will be able to fly without showing any Ebola symptoms. Now I’ll turn this over to Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson.”

Johnson: “I have ordered FBI Director James Comey and acting Immigration and Customs Enforcement Director Thomas S. Winkowski to spare no expense in stopping ISIS operatives from infiltrating the homeland. I am confident that they will be successful in keeping our country Ebola free. Here is Director Comey.”

Comey: “At this moment we are establishing a special task force of 1,000 of our best FBI agents to find, arrest and isolate any of these Ebola-exposed Africans should they slip by ICE and succeed in entering the U.S. These agents will be ordered to shoot to kill any of these individuals should they attempt to avoid arrest. We believe those shooting will not violate and constitutional guarantees because these individuals present a serious and imminent threat to the public. Now I’ll turn this over to Director Winkowski.”

Winkowski: ”All our agents have been put on special alert to catch any African who might possibly have been exposed to Ebola from entering the United States. They are specially trained to detect any fake passports and to ascertain whether or not any Africans began their journey from Guinea, Sierra Leone or Liberia. I am confident that we will succeed, but in the rare event that one of these Ebola-exposed individuals should get by us, the FBI will be our backup. Mr. President, I’ll turn this back over to you.”

Obama: “As I said, we will take no questions. This ends our conference. Thank you ladies and gentlemen.”

TUG contacted civil rights leader Al Sharpton, the President’s go-to-guy on black issues, to get his thoughts on the ISIS plot.

Sharpton: “I don’t for half-a-second believe the CIA. That’s the same group that told us Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. This is nothing more than a plot by whites to suppress and kill blacks. I am most upset with President Obama for going along with this farce. He’s supposed to consult with me on any black issues. I can’t believe he didn’t call me on this before he held that press conference. This will energize our Action Network members to stop the FBI and ICE from carrying out their racist measures.”

TUG will keep on top this breaking story for any new developments.

Sunday, October 5, 2014


Americans are too fat, too medicated, and out of shape

The Onion | October 1, 2014

AR-RAQQAH, SYRIA—Frustrating the Islamic extremist group’s efforts to bolster its ranks and expand its influence overseas, representatives for ISIS told reporters Wednesday that they have so far encountered considerable difficulty in finding American recruits who are physically fit enough for jihad.

“We’ve been in communication with a number of U.S. citizens who are eager to join in our holy crusade, but unfortunately, not one of them is in decent enough shape to effectively wage war against the West,” said ISIS operative Bakir Hamdani, pointing to a general lack of athleticism among the hundreds of potential American recruits, as well as respiratory ailments and dependencies on a variety of diabetes, blood pressure, and allergy medications that preclude these would-be jihadists from assisting in the establishment of a worldwide Sunni caliphate. “Even though these people are enthusiastic about righteous martyrdom, I honestly don’t see most of them even fitting into a suicide vest, let alone lugging a 40-pound rocket launcher through the desert. The thing is, we can’t inflict terror into the hearts of the masses if our fighters are always doubled over red-faced and winded.”

Hamdani added that ISIS’ best course of action was to allow these overweight, sedentary American operatives to continue burdening the U.S. health care system in hopes of eventually bankrupting the nation.


Amazon Prime labels the cat-and-mouse cartoons as racist because the housemaid is black

BarkGrowlBite | October 5, 2014

When I was a little kid, if you went to the movie theater you were treated to a Movietone News newsreel and a cartoon short as you waited for the featured film to start. I loved those Tom and Jerry cartoon shorts whenever they were shown. And years later, I loved them on TV. Since some people consider me a racist, if I am, I must have been infected by those Tom and Jerry cartoons because the politically correct thought police have now labeled them as racist.

Amazon Prime has started labeling Tom and Jerry cartoons with the following warning:

"Tom and Jerry shorts may depict some ethnic and racial prejudices that were once commonplace in American society. Such depictions were wrong then and are wrong today."

No, this is not a joke. If this makes you wonder what in the hell is going on here you’re not alone. It seems as though the politically correct thought police have discovered a black housemaid in some of the shorts. They have determined that this is stereotypically demeaning to blacks. Actually the maid is never shown in the cartoons, only her legs as she sweeps a broom.

I cannot fathom any young kid thinking in racial terms whenever they see those black legs. What we have here is another example of political correctness run amok. Tom and Jerry won seven Academy Awards. It’s a wonder those who see racists behind every bush, in every closet and under every bed, haven’t demanded that those Academy Award Oscars be recalled.

Saturday, October 4, 2014


Two Louisiana English teachers make whoopee together with 16-year-old student

BarkGrowlBite | October 4, 2014

Hardly a day goes by that one or more teachers get busted for having sex with one or more of their students. I’ve stopped posting about those trysts because they have become so common. But this is rather different because it involves a ménage à trois involving a student and two English teachers.

The now ex-educators got caught because the student bragged to his classmates about screwing the two teachers.

Shelley Dufrense, 32, and Rachel Respess, 24, two English teachers at Destrehan High School in Kenner, Louisiana were busted for having sex together with a 16-year old student.

Shelly, a married mother of three, was busted Tuesday and charged with carnal knowledge of a juvenile for a tryst that occurred at her home early in September. She was released on bond.

Both Shelley and Rachel were busted Wednesday for the ménage à trois. They were charged with carnal knowledge of a juvenile, indecent behavior and contributing to the delinquency of a juvenile. They were released on bail Thursday. If convicted, both women face up to 17-1/2 years in prison.

The ménage à trois took place September 12 at Rachel’s home after their school’s football game. The student told police that Shelley took him to Rachel’s apartment. After they got there all three got naked and he started screwing Rachel. While the two were fucking each other, Shelley was passionately kissing Rachel.

Former students told the cops that the trio had been having sex for some time.

Shelley is the daughter of St. Charles Parish Judge Emile St. Pierre. Since Kenner is in Jefferson Parish, there is no chance that her case will be tried before her father.

What we have here are two educated idiots who flushed their careers down the shitter for a fresh piece of ass. Obviously, they didn't have the brains to realize that the student would very likely brag about his sexual exploits.


Ebola is a bioweapon designed to target blacks and the Secret Service deliberately allowed an intruder to get deep inside the White House

BarkGrowlBite | October 4, 2014

Louis Farrakhan, that white-hating leader of the Nation of Islam, accuses whites of manufacturing AIDS and Ebola as bioweapons that will target only blacks. Here is Farrakhan’s conspiracy theory about AIDS and Ebola:

Another method [of depopulation] is disease infection through bio-weapons such as Ebola and AIDS, which are race targeting weapons. There is a weapon that can be put in a room where there are Black and White people, and it will kill only the Black and spare the White, because it is a genotype weapon that is designed for your genes, for your race, for your kind.

I think I saw something like that in one of Roger Corman’s horror flicks. Anyhow, I wish Farrakhan’s theory was true, so I would no longer have to worry about catching AIDS and - now that it has made an appearance in Dallas - Ebola too.

Now for the conspiracy theory about the Secret Service not being interested in protecting a black president.

Democratic Congressmen Elijah E. Cummings of Maryland and Emanuel Cleaver II of Missouri, members of the Congressional Black Caucus, both say that many of their constituents believe the Secret Service deliberately allowed Omar J. Gonzalez, who was armed with a knife, to jump over the fence, run across the White House lawn and get deep inside the White House because Secret Service agents are not interested in protecting a black president.

Wasn’t there something like that on the Fox TV series ‘24’ starring Kiefer Southerland? I don’t suppose it ever occurred to Cummings and Cleaver’s constituents that if their theory was true, Obama would have been killed not long after he took office.

Friday, October 3, 2014


Four Memphis, Tenn. cops have been suspended for tipping over a porta-potty in which a suspect they had been chasing was hiding

BarkGrowlBite | October 3, 2014

On September 19, Joseph Hampton, 31, went to visit an elderly friend at a Memphis, Tenn. Apartment complex from which he had been banned. When cops tried to stop him, he took off on foot and ran to a construction site where he came upon a row of portable toilets. He stopped and hid in one of them.

Apparently the cops were not amused by having to chase Joe. So, to amuse themselves they tipped over the porta-potty, then set it back up. When Joe staggered out, they kicked him in the ass for good measure.

According to WMC, Hampton said "I could hear them when they pulled up, so I knew that they were behind the porta potty. I heard them say on three. Three. And it went over. Luckily didn't any of the blue water or septic water get on me. …I believe they tried to humiliate me, because they knew that water and feces and pee was in there. I believe they did that on purpose."

Hampton was jailed on charges of trespassing and evading arrest. He was released on a $250 bond. The four officers have been suspended pending an administrative investigation.

Hampton admits he should not have run from the cops. He says that being a cigarette smoker he had to stop to catch his breath and that is why he entered the porta-potty … that and he wanted to stop and call his girlfriend to tell her was going to be jailed. Hampton accuses the officers of using excessive force and claims his back has been hurting ever since he got dumped off the shitter. Looks like a lawsuit in the making.

The porta-potty bust came to light after a construction worker, who videotaped the tipping incident, posted his video on social media.

Apparently, the Memphis PD does not train its officers in the proper way to make porta-potty busts.

Thursday, October 2, 2014


Salvatore ‘Sal the Slicer’ Gigante, a Mafia boss, finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When Sal goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. Sal tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells Sal, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

Sal pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll blow his fucking brains out!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll blow your fucking brains out if you don't tell him.”

"Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

Sal asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says fuck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


BarkGrowlBite | October 2, 2014

Stephan Pastis writes and illustrates Pearls Before Swine, my favorite comic strip which has animal characters like Rat, Pig, Goat, Zebra, a family of crocs, etc.

In Tuesdays strip, the question of what is the most overpriced substance on earth was answered by Goat.

Printer Cartridge Ink!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


The media reports that after a long period of hostility between them and a strong personal dislike for each other, President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu buried the hatchet during a White House meeting on Wednesday and are now bosom buddies.

However, if The Unconventional Gazette were a fly on the wall, this is what it would have heard after Obama and Netanyahu had returned to their respective quarters:

OBAMA: That damn Jew bastard! He’s the one that has fucked up the legacy I wanted to take with me when I leave office … of having accomplished a peace between Israel and the Palestinians. Him and his goddamn settlements. He’s keeping me from getting a second Nobel peace prize, damn it! I’d give anything if I could fuck him up. It sickened me that I had to shake hands with him.

NETANYAHU: That damn schwartze, what an idiot! He doesn’t have a clue as to what he’s doing. He’s spoken with a forked tongue so many times that there’s no way I can ever trust him. The only reason he has supported Israel is because of the overwhelming bipartisan support we have in the U.S. Congress. Otherwise that fool would have climbed in bed with Abbas. It sickened me that I had to shake hands with him.

The purported reconciliation did not last long. Just hours after that meeting, the White House and the State Department warned Israel against constructing a new housing project in East Jerusalem. At about the same time, Netanyahu was telling NBC’s Andrea Mitchell that he was afraid Obama’s negotiations will leave Iran on the threshold of producing nuclear weapons.

TUG believes Obama and Netanyahu will both be relieved knowing they can now go on hating each other publicly.