Tuesday, September 30, 2014


Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their
18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ....and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother ..

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,

"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"


BarkGrowlBite | September 30, 2014

Brigitte Jackson of Cobb County, Georgia must have thought that all those people who worked at the state’s Department of Revenue must have been dumped there off a turnip truck.

By John Blosser

September 29, 2014

Georgia tax authorities think Brigitte Jackson followed an old adage: never steal anything small.

The Cobb County, Ga., woman was arrested when she got caught up in a sting while allegedly trying to cash a tax return check for over $94 million, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports.

Authorities say Jackson said she had made $99 million in wages in the past year, and was claiming a return of $94,323,148. She actually was issued the check, although it was a phony and part of the sting. When she showed up to pick it up at a local grocery store, as per tax officials' instructions, she was arrested.

Police set up the sting after they went to her address, looking for her and her cousin Darrius White, currently on felony probation, who police say also claimed a $99 million income and allegedly filed a similar whopper of a tax return claim. When the address turned out to be old, authorities hatched their plan to write out a phony check and con Jackson into coming to the bank to cash the check.

"It doesn't matter if it's $94 or $94 million," special investigations chief Josh Waites told WSB-TV. "We're going to go after you and hold you accountable."

Georgia Department of Revenue financial fraud investigator Tamiko Harris said that Jackson and White kept calling the tax department to check on when their return would be arriving. In one of the calls, she was told to expect her tax return in seven to 10 business days, and replied excitedly, "Yay! Thank you so much! I'm so happy!"

She's less happy now, behind bars and facing five charges of attempted theft by taking and conspiracy to defraud the state. White has still not been located by the police, but will face the same charges when he is arrested, police said.

The phone calls were recorded and will be used in the prosecution of Jackson and White, Waites said.

Fraud detection manager Kendra Carroll told the Journal-Constitution that she also spoke to White, who impatiently kept calling in, trying to find out when his huge tax return would arrive.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014


BarkGrowlBite | September 24, 2014

Obama’s recent declaration that "ISIL is not Islamic" is as phony as a nine dollar bill. It is nothing more than Pablum fed to anti-ISIS Muslims in order to garner their support. Every knowledgeable person knows that the leaders and followers of ISIS are the most fundamental of fundamental Muslims – true believers in the dictates of the Quran and the teachings of Prophet Muhammad - and for sure, President Obama damn well knows it too.


Tom walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

Tom answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, Tom deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

Confused, she says, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?’

Tom answers, 'You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.’

NOTE: Tom is now in the Intensive Care unit of St. Elizabeth Hospital, no visitors allowed.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014


BarkGrowlBite | September 23, 2014

ISIS released a 42-minute audio recording online late Sunday in which Islamic State spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani uncovered Secretary of State John Kerry. In the Name of Allah the Beneficent the Merciful, Al- Adnani described Kerry as the …

uncircumcised old geezer.

No wonder ISIS is considered a threat. Their spies are everywhere. I suggest that whenever you take a leak, make sure nobody else is around.

Of course, like all spies, those ISIS spies don’t always get it right. In the same recording Al- Adnani repeatedly called Obama “the Mule of the Jews.” Actually Obama is the mule of the socialists, not the Jews.


John Dettor wanted a warm place to sleep and ended up getting bedded down in a Vermont jail

BarkGrowlBite | September 23, 2014

According to WFFF-TV, John Dettor, 59,of Washington, D.C., happened to be in Shelburne, Vermont late last week when he looked for a school to break into so he would have a warm place to sleep. When he found what he thought was a school, he took a traffic cone and broke the glass of the Shelburne police station.

When John entered the station, the cops accommodated his desire for a warm place to sleep by bedding him down in jail. He is charged with suspicion of unlawful mischief.

Now before everyone starts labeling John an idiot, let me say that I have been all over the East and many of the cop shops there can pass for some of the older school buildings. I suspect he was a little liquored up, thus making it harder to distinguish a police station from a school building.

Monday, September 22, 2014


While touring China, a man from Houston, Texas is very sexually active with a number of prostitutes and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in Houston, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately rushes to Houston’s preeminent Medical Center to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, and we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Noooo! Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man rushes to Houston’s Asia Town and seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my dick!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself!"

Sunday, September 21, 2014


I've been at the statue of Christ the Redeemer twice. The view of Rio is spectacular. Those guys working on the arm are alive by the Grace of God ... and if God should happen to fail them, by their safety harnesses.

If you ever get to Rio, be sure to visit both the statue and Sugar Loaf. In the video, you can see the statue looking at Sugar Loaf in the distance.


The governor is incensed at the Russians for grabbing The National Beer of Texas

Pabst Brewing Company, which owns Pabst Blue Ribbon, Lone Star, Rainier, Ballantine IPA, Schlitz, Old Style, Stroh’s and Old Milwaukee beer brands is being acquired by Oasis Beverages, a Russian beer and soft drink company. Lone Star beer is known as The National Beer of Texas.

The Unconventional Gazette contacted Texas Governor Rick Perry to get his take on the sale of Pabst Brewing Company to the Russians.

TUG: Gov. Perry, how do you feel about the Russians taking over Lone Star beer?

PERRY: I’ll tell you how I feel. This means war! I have sent an urgent message to President Obama demanding that he do something about this, like threaten Putin with war. The Russians grabbing Lone Star beer is like the Russians grabbing a piece of Texas. We ain’t the Ukraine. Forget the border crisis. I’m pulling our National Guard troops and the DPS away from the border and moving them to San Antonio to surround the Lone Star brewery to keep those damn Russians out.

TUG: But Governor, there is no Lone Star brewery in San Antonio. That brewery shut down years ago. Lone Star beer is now brewed by the Miller Brewing Company in Fort Worth. They’re brewing it under a contract with Pabst. The old brewery in San Antonio is now a museum.

PERRY: I didn’t know that. Are you sure it’s not brewed in San Antonio anymore? Damn it, now I’ve had the Guard and DPS surround a museum. Well, it really doesn’t matter … I’ll have the National Guard and DPS surround that brewery in Ft. Worth. The pride of Texas is at stake here. Hey Kathy [to Kathy Walt, his chief of staff], get ahold of Len [Major General William Smith] and get him to move those troops out of San Antone pronto and have them surround the Miller Brewing Company in Fort Worth. And get those DPS units moved too.

TUG: Governor, you know that President Obama has imposed sanctions against Russia for taking over the Crimea and for helping the rebels in Eastern Ukraine revolt. Once the sale to the Russians is completed, he could order a boycott of Lone Star beer.

PERRY: Hey, we’re talking about The National Beer of Texas. If it comes down to that, I don’t care whether the Russians, the Chinese or even the North Koreans own it. It’s still The National Beer of Texas. We have a saying down here: Don’t Mess With Texas. Do you hear that Mr. Obama? The president will be well advised to straighten this out and keep the Russians out. If he can’t do that, we should go to war and give Putin a good ass licking.

We managed to contact Russian President Vladimir Putin, and while he turned us down for an interview, he did release the following statement:

Kha , chto idiot Obamu postavil sanktsii protiv nas. Nu dva mozhet igrat' v etoy igre. YA ponimayu, chto sredi piva Oasis stanovitsya v Natsional'nyy Pivo Tekhas. Kha-kha , chto sdelayet Obamu poryadka tekhastsy v prekratit' pit' pivo . Eto sanktsii , vy znayete . A eto mozhet privesti k Shtat Tekhas , chtoby secete . Smotret' , my mozhem perekhitrit' Obamu s yego sanktsii . Kha-kha , vse te, Tekhas kto p'yet pivo budet byt' real'nym pissed-proch'.

Translation: Ha, that idiot Obama has put sanctions against us. Well two can play at that game. I understand that among the beers Oasis is getting The National Beer of Texas. Haha, that will make Obama order Texans to stop drinking beer. It’s the sanctions, you know. And that could cause the state of Texas to secede. See, we can outsmart Obama with his sanctions. Haha, all those Texas beer drinkers will be real pissed-off.

We also contacted country singer Willie Nelson who has long promoted Lone Star beer.

TUG: Willie, how do you feel about the Russians acquiring Lone Star beer?

NELSON: I’ll be damned, when did they do that? I sure as hell don’t like it. You know, next to smoking pot, drinking is my favorite pastime and Lone Star has been my favorite beer forever. Well, as long as the Russians keep making it the same way, I’ll keep drinking it … I’ll drink it together with toking up some pot … that’ll make me forget the Russians.

The Unconventional Gazette contacted a number of ordinary Texans, but we don't dare print what they said. However, many expressed a strong desire to secede from the Union if Obama orders a boycott of Lone Star beer.

Friday, September 19, 2014


You don't have to understand Aussie, which I don't, to get a good laugh out of this video sent to me by my Aussie friend Dorina Lisson.


Philly robber uses banana to simulate gun, then flees on a bike with the convenience store loot

BarkGrowlBite | September 19, 2014

Police report that on Tuesday, a man using a banana to simulate a gun, robbed a convenience store in the East Parkside neighborhood of Philadelphia. The man had been waiting in line at the checkout stand when he grabbed a banana off the counter, stuck it in the front pocket of his sweat shirt, and then pointed it at the cashier while demanding cigarettes and cash. He got an undetermined amount of cash and fled the scene on a bicycle.

Although bananas have long been used by women as dildos, they are rarely used as guns. If the robber is not a homeless person, he can always giftwrap the banana and give it to his girlfriend with a note: “Honey, I hope this sex toy will give you many moments of passionate pleasure when I’m not with you.”

Thursday, September 18, 2014


An Australian walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Wednesday, September 17, 2014


Joe went to the doctor for a chronic headache.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought,'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like to try on a new suit please."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see now - size 44 long should do it."

Joe laughed, "Wow, that's right; how did you know?"

"Oh, I've been in the business 40 years" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,"How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?"Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure, why not."

The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said,"Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck."Joe was surprised again.

"You're absolutely right, how did you guess that?"

"Been in the business 40 years sir."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove!

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure, I might as well."

The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "No way! You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


Monday, September 15, 2014



America’s most diverse police department is rewarded with surplus military equipment

Cactusville, Texas, a town with a population of 3,700, is a ranching community located by the Rio Grande River, about half way between El Paso and Brownsville. Cactusville claims to have the most diverse police department in the U.S. The Cactusville Police Department is one-third white, one-third Mexican-American and one-third African-American. And of all its officers, a third are female. It has a Mexican-American police chief, a white police captain and a black female police lieutenant.

The Defense Department’s “1033 Program” is a program that distributes free surplus military equipment to American law enforcement agencies. Paul N. Stockton, Assistant Secretary of Defense for Homeland Defense and Americas’ Security Affairs, works closely with Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson to make sure only deserving police agencies receive those surplus military supplies.

Stockton announced Monday that, because it is a border community and America’s most diverse police department, the Department of Defense has delivered the following equipment to the Cactusville Police Department:

2 International MaxxPro armored vehicles

14 M16 rifles

6 grenade launchers

10 night vision sniper scopes

24 tactical ballistic vests

24 helmets

38 bayonets

Stockton said, “With the threat of ISIS terrorists crossing the border from Mexico, we thought that the Cactusville Police Department deserved to receive the military equipment it needed to meet that terrorist threat. Also both Secretary Johnson and Attorney General Holder urged me to reward the Cactusville Police Department for its diversity."

Having made border protection the clarion call of his administration, Governor Rick Perry said, “Finally those folks in Washington got something right.” Texas senators John Cornyn and Ted Cruz, both of whom have yet to visit that border town, praised the Defense Department for sending the badly needed equipment to Cactusville.

The Unconventional Gazette has just learned that the Cactusville Police Department is a three-officer law enforcement agency - a chief, a captain and a lieutenant. In 2013, the three officers made 17 public intoxication arrests, rounded up 31 stray steers and wrote 4,359 speeding tickets on Farm to Market Road 170.

We contacted Cactusville Police Chief Gilberto Contreras and asked him what he thought about getting all those military supplies. After someone whispered something in the chief’s ear, here is what Contreras said:

Quiero dar las gracias al ejército por enviarnos estos tanques una lanzadores grebade y M16 y bayonetas para que podamos ser más eficaces en la captura de los reductores de Granja a la carretera de mercado 170.

When we asked Police Captain Hank Franklin what Contreras just said, he replied, “Beats me, uh something about bayonets. Shit, he don’t speak English and I don’t speak Spanish.” Asked how they can communicate, Franklin said, “We just keep nodding with shit-eaten grins on our faces and pretend we understand each other.”

Sunday, September 14, 2014


Connecticut mass rapist-murderer claims to be an Orthodox Jew and is suing the Department of Corrections for depriving him of kosher food

BarkGrowlBite | September 14, 2014

Right from the get-go let me say this: Steven Hayes is about as much a Jew as Osama bin Laden was.

On July 23, 2007, Hayes and Joshua Komisarjevsky broke in the Cheshire, Connecticut home of Dr. William Petit Jr. where they killed Jennifer Hawke-Petit and her children, Michaela, 11, and Hayley, 17. Hayes sexually assaulted and strangled Dr. Petit’s wife. Komisarjevsky, sexually assaulted Michaela. The house was set on fire, and the two girls, who were tied to their beds, died of smoke inhalation. Dr. Petit was severely beaten but managed to escape and survived to identify the two scumbags.

Hayes and Komisarjevsky are among the few murderers that have been sentenced to death in the liberal death penalty-aversion state of Connecticut.

Hayes is gaming the system by claiming that he is an Orthodox Jew and, as such, is required by his religion to eat only kosher food. Because his death row meals have not been kosher, he has filed a federal lawsuit against the Connecticut Department of Corrections claiming that he is being deprived of his First Amendment rights to freedom of religion. He filed the lawsuit in his own behalf and that of all Jewish inmates in the state prison system.

In his lawsuit Hayes says, “This continuous denial of a kosher diet is a clear violation of my First Amendment right to freely practice my religion of choice, Judaism.” He also argues that denying him kosher food is a violation of his Eighth Amendment protection against cruel and unusual punishment because he is forced to eat non-kosher meals in order to survive.

The ersatz Jew wants a court trial and is seeking an immediate injunction forcing the corrections department to provide pre-packaged kosher meals to all Jewish prisoners. Hayes is also asking for $15,000 in punitive and compensatory damages for “intentional infliction of pain, suffering and resulting weight loss from the deliberate denial of a kosher diet.”

This is one of the phoniest inmate lawsuit ever filed. Let me repeat: Steven Hayes is about as much a Jew as Osama bin Laden was. For what he did to Dr. Petit’s family, Hayes does not deserve anything more than bread and water. And even if he is Jewish, which I am sure he is not, he does not deserve any kosher food. Fuck that rotten piece of shit!


A depraved California slimeball cooked and fed his ex-girlfriend her pet Pomeranian

BarkGrowlBite | September 14, 2014

Ryan Watenpaugh of Palo Cedro, California is hard for me to describe. Slimeball just doesn’t appear to do him justice. Subhuman piece of shit seems a bit more appropriate. After you read what Watenpaugh did you may be able to come up with a better description. All I can say is that this guy makes suspended NFL mixed martial arts contender Ray Rice look like a boy scout ... no, make that a cub scout.

Watenpaugh was arrested by Redding cops Thursday and charged with animal cruelty, domestic violence, stalking and false imprisonment.

Apparently, Watenpaugh must have been really pissed off at his girlfriend. According to the Associated Press:

Watenpaugh's ex told police he had repeatedly struck her while they were dating and that after one assault, she left her Redding apartment and returned to find her Pomeranian, "Bear," missing

Police say the couple briefly reconciled last week and Watenpaugh cooked the woman a meal. But she told police he later texted her and asked how her dog had tasted.

On Tuesday, Watenpaugh allegedly left two of the dog's paws outside her door.

Watenpaugh has denied killing or cooking Bear. He was still in jail on Friday.

Now what would you call this depraved piece of shit?

Saturday, September 13, 2014


Except for the key position, the Detroit Lions coach had put together the perfect team. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a passer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Gaza. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.


He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.


Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph down a Gaza road.


"I've got to get this guy," the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he finds and brings him to Detroit where he teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says, "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,.....

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!”


A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in an Amarillo movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The responding cop surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the cop.

With noticeable pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "Up there, the fucking balcony."


A Utah elementary school teacher was injured by an exploding toilet after her gun accidentally went off while she was relieving herself in the faculty restroom

BarkGrowlBite | September 13, 2014

On Thursday a loud sound was heard coming from the faculty restroom at Westbrook Elementary School in Taylorsville, a Salt Lake City suburb. No, that was not the sound of a loud fart.

Michelle Ferguson-Montgomery, a sixth-grade teacher, was alone in the school’s faculty restroom. While Michelle was on the shitter, her gun accidentally discharged. The bullet struck a porcelain toilet. It exploded. Michelle was injured in the leg when she was struck by fragments from the bullet and/or shitter. She is recovering in a Salt Lake City Hospital.

Michelle has a concealed carry license. It appears as if the course she had to take in order to obtain her license was a bit short on gun safety.

And here is a teachable moment for everyone: Never shoot at a porcelain shitter!

Friday, September 12, 2014


In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They had milked on of the convent’s cows and tried giving her the warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, “Don’t sell that cow!”

Tuesday, September 9, 2014


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, one from England, one from Wales, and the other from Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said "Ave ya ever been fucked laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said "No".

She said "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

Sunday, September 7, 2014


Israel had only four warplanes when the War of Independence began (May 1948). The planes were smuggled in from the Czech Republic. They were German Messerschmitt BF-109's from WWII, assembled overnight in Tel Aviv and were never flight tested before their use against the Arabs. The irony was that the Arabs had supported the Nazis and it was Nazi Luftwaffe planes flown by Jews that were instrumental in defeating five Arab armies.

Saturday, September 6, 2014


America’s Marxist metropolis orders ‘medical marijuana’ dispensaries to donate two percent of their pot to ‘patients’ earning less than $32,000 a year

BarkGrowlBite | September 6, 2014

Last month, the politburo (city council) of the People’s Republic of Berkeley unanimously passed an ordinance that establishes weed welfare for Berkeley’s comrades earning less than $32,000 a year. Effective August 2015, all of the Republic’s medical marijuana dispensaries will have to donate two percent of their pot to Berkeley’s ‘poor.’

California’s medical marijuana law was already a monumental farce before Berkeley established its weed welfare program. The pot legalization referendum on November’s ballot is superfluous since anyone complaining to a doctor about ingrown toenails, hair loss, erectile dysfunction and a hangover can easily obtain a pot prescription.

John Lovell of the California Narcotic Officers’ Association told The New York Times that “Instead of taking steps to help the most economically vulnerable residents get out of that state, the city has said, ‘Let’s just get everybody high,’”

Bishop Ron Allen, head of the International Faith Based Coalition, told Fox News he doesn’t understand why Berkeley would want to dump pot on the impoverished. Allen, a former drug addict said, “It’s ludicrous, over-the-top madness. Why would Berkeley City Council want to keep their poverty-stricken under-served high, in poverty and lethargic?”

That’s a good question. My answer would be that the politburo must have been affected by all that pot smog engulfing The People's Republic of Berkeley. And much of that smog is emitted by the University of California.


A dog in Portland Oregon ate 43-1/2 socks

BarkGrowlBite | September 6, 2014

This beats “The dog ate my homework” excuse by a country mile.


Associated Press
September 4, 2014

A three-year-old Great Dane was miserable, retching and vomiting, when his owners rushed him to DoveLewis Emergency Animal Hospital in Portland, Oregon. X-rays showed a stomach full of what was described as "a large quantity of foreign material." Nearly two hours of surgery later, Dr. Ashley Magee said the dog had consumed 43-and-a-half socks.

DoveLewis Emergency Animal Hospital spokeswoman Shawna Harch said it's perhaps the strangest case in the hospital's history. So strange that the hospital entered last February's tale, complete with X-rays, in an annual contest sponsored by the vet magazine, Veterinary Practice News, and won a prize. Fittingly enough, the contest is called "They Ate WHAT?"

Even stranger. The $1,500 first place winner was a Plano, Texas, animal hospital that treated an exotic frog that ate more than 30 small ornamental rocks from its cage.

The DoveLewis entry summary says the Great Dane was discharged a day after surgery. Harch says the owners aren't available for comment but she confirms the dog is alive. No word on what he's eaten lately.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Wednesday, September 3, 2014


Chad Griffin, President of the Human Rights Campaign, now accuses St. Louis Rams of blatant discrimination against homosexuals for refusing to place Michael Sam on its practice squad

BarkGrowlBite | September 3, 2014

On Monday,, after the St. Louis Rams cut Michael Sam from the team, Chad Griffin, President of the Human Rights Campaign, blasted the Rams for drafting the first openly gay pro football player just so they could have a ‘token queer’ on their team. He also accused the other NFL teams of being homophobic because none of them picked up Sam.

Many sports commentators expected the Rams to pick up Sam for their practice squad should he be passed over by the other teams. However, when he cleared waivers, the Rams did not do so. An infuriated Griffin released this new statement:

It is obvious that the Rams do not want any gay players in their organization. First they cut their token queer and now that he has cleared waivers, they refuse even to place Michael on the practice squad. How can they explain that when Michael performed so well during the Rams’ preseason games? There is only one explanation – It’s blatant discrimination against homosexuals, that’s what it is, blatant discrimination. The Human Rights Campaign is calling on Attorney General Eric Holder to prosecute the Rams for violating Michael Sam’s civil rights. We are also calling on the EEOC to take appropriate action against the Rams.

Eric Holder says he is acutely aware of the Sam situation. “I have consulted with President Obama,” said Holder, “and while the president is convinced the Rams acted out of bias against gays, he cannot issue an executive order forcing them to keep Michael Sam because the Rams do not receive any federal funds. And the Justice Department is helpless in this matter because the House is holding up a pending civil rights bill that will grant equal rights to gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders.

EEOC Chair Jacqueline Berrien said, “The EEOC would love to file a discrimination lawsuit against the Rams, but I do not believe there is a law barring discrimination against gays. However, I will have our staff attorneys look into any possible action we may be able to take against the Rams.”

The Unconventional Gazette was able to reach Stan Kroenky, owner of the Rams. “The only thing I have to say is that Mr. Griffin’s accusations are outrageous,” said Kroenky. “Feel free to contact our general manager Les Snead for any further information.”

TUG contacted Les Snead who said, “Mr. Kroenky has made it quite clear that the charges about the Rams discriminating against Michael Sam are absolutely outrageous. Those are exactly my sentiments. I would suggest you contact coach Fisher for any additional information.”

We attempted to contact Jeff Fisher, but his secretary advised us he would not be making any comments on the Sam situation.

Our calls to Sam went unanswered. However, we did talk to Vito Cammisano, Michael’s boyfriend. A sobbing Vito told us he was utterly shocked and heartbroken when the Rams cut Michael and even more so when no other NFL team picked him up. “But this is the lowest blow of all,” said Vito. “When they won’t even put Michael on the practice squad something is terribly, terribly wrong! I’m sorry, but I can’t talk anymore, I’m just too broken up over this.”

Reports have been circulating that members of Queer Nation intend to picket all Rams games.

BREAKING NEWS | September 3, 2014

BarkGrowlBite just learned that ESPN Football Insider Adam Schefter has reported that the Dallas Cowboys have scheduled Michael Sam for a physical, and if he passes it on Wednesday, he will be placed on the America's Team practice squad.

Monday, September 1, 2014



Chad Griffin, President of the Human Rights Campaign, says the Rams only drafted Michael Sam to be their ‘token queer’ and accused the other NFL teams of being homophobic for not picking him up

The GLBT community is highly upset over Michael Sam, the first openly gay pro football player, being cut by the St. Louis Rams and not being picked up by any other NFL team.

Chad Griffin, President of the Human Rights Campaign, released the following statement:

It is obvious that the St. Louis Rams only drafted Michael Sam to be their ‘token queer.’ During the preseason games, Michael’s play was outstanding. He made numerous tackles and several quarterback sacks. Had he been straight, he would never have been cut from the team. And it is also obvious that the National Football League is homophobic because no other team picked up Michael. I herewith urge all gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender folks to boycott all NFL games.

Annise Parker, Houston’s gay mayor, told the Houston Chronicle that she was sorely disappointed that St. Louis cut Michael Sam from the team. “I am trying to reach Bob McNair [owner of the Houston Texans] and coach Bill O’Brien," said the mayor. "I want them to pick up Mr. Sam. Bob owes me. I supported and pushed hard for building the Texans their new stadium.”

Calls by The Unconventional Gazette to McNair and O’Brien went unanswered.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told TUG that Chad Griffin’s accusation was absurd. “The NFL is not homophobic,” said Goodell. “The NFL is an equal opportunity employer and welcomes any qualified football player, regardless of race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation or political affiliation.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Jeff ‘Paco’ Doyle says, “Whatever happens to Michael Sam, whether he gets back in the NFL or not, he is certain to get all the play time and ball handling he wants.”