Sunday, August 31, 2014


You're a sick senior citizen and the government says your illness does not qualify for Nursing Home Care. So what can you do? Those of you enrolled in a Medicare Advantage plan can sign up for Part G(un).

Medicare Part G gives anyone 65 years or older, who does not qualify for Nursing Home Care, a gun and 4 bullets with instruction on how to shoot four Politicians.

This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, library and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change or heart? They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.

And because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay anymore income taxes.

Is this a great country or what?

Saturday, August 30, 2014


A jail inmate returned from a furlough with his skivvies soaked in Methadone which he shared with his cellmates, one of whom went toes up

‘Kl2008a’ said on PACOVILLA, “I guess those skid marks were literally some ‘bad shit.’” The lesson here is, do not eat someone else’s underwear.

By Sarah Fruchtnicht

Opposing Views | August 28, 2014

A Kentucky inmate allegedly ate methadone-soaked underwear and died from an overdose.

Corey McQueary, 33, was found unresponsive in his cell at Jessamine County Detention Center in Nicholasville on Aug. 21. He was pronounced dead later that day.

Authorities say McQueary’s cellmate Michael Jones, 55, was let out on a court-ordered furlough to attend a funeral and allegedly returned to jail with drug-laced underwear, which were not detected by security.

“When somebody comes in the facility either from a furlough or any other occurrence, they're searched, their clothing's searched, strip searched, any other type of search that we feel is necessary,” prison jailer Jon Sallee told CNN. “If something is in their garment and it's colorless, odorless, it would be very difficult, almost impossible, to detect from the naked eye.”

Police say Jones cut up the briefs and shared them with his fellow inmates, including McQueary. An autopsy report has not been released, but police suspect he died of an opiate overdose.

Jones, who was in jail for a DUI charge, is now facing a murder charge. He was also charged with promoting contraband and possession of a controlled substance.

A preliminary court hearing is scheduled on Sept. 2.

Friday, August 29, 2014


The assertion that the Arabs have contributed few beneficial inventions for mankind is refuted by their invention of the condom

In 1272, the ArabS invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I’M NUMBER 5,001

BarkGrowlBite | August 27, 2014

One of my Armand Bayou Nature Center buddies told me about an incident that happened while he was undergoing Basic Training in the Army.

One of the training sessions dealt with how to avoid catching a venereal disease. The class was conducted by a Chaplain who told the trainees that so far that year, 5,000 soldiers had caught the clap.

A voice from the back of the class shouted, “I’m number 5,001.”

While the class erupted in laughter, the Chaplain was far from amused.


Customs officials at Houston’s George Bush Intercontinental Airport found that some of the tamales inside a box of 200 homemade tamales brought to the U.S. by a man from El Salvador were stuffed with a very hot white powder – cocaine

BarkGrowlBite | August 27, 2014

When a traveler from El Salvador arrived at Houston’s George Bush Intercontinental Airport on August 20, customs inspectors found a box of 200 homemade tamales in his luggage that he had failed to list on the written declaration all airline passengers on international flights are required to fill out before landing in this country.

The 46-year-old unnamed man was taken aside for special attention by the welcoming committee of customs inspectors. They found some of the tamales were stuffed with a white powder. As the Houston Chronicle put it, “The gourmet filling in these hot tamales carried a particular strong kick as that white powder turned out to be cocaine.”

After a meticulous sampling of the tamales, overjoyed customs inspectors seized seven ounces of coke with a street value of up to $14,000, depending on the contraband’s purity.

The no-longer friendly customs officers turned an unhappy Salvadoran over to a Houston welcoming committee of city cops who promptly hauled his unhappy ass off to the guest accommodations at Hotel Pokey.

One could say that them thar Salvadoran hot tamales were extremely hot.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014


Ford Motor Company wasted no time in firing back

At a recent computer expo - COMDEX - Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry. "If Ford had kept up with technology like Microsoft has,” said Gates, ”we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure you want to activate the airbags?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Sunday, August 24, 2014


Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel declared ISIS an ‘imminent threat’ and said the Islamic State is ‘beyond anything we’ve seen.’

At a Pentagon press briefing Hagel announced that this morning ISIS warned that if the United States continued the airstrikes against its forces, they intend to cut off America's supply of convenience store, gas station and motel owners.

If this cut-off does not stop the air strikes, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, Visa, and other customer service reps.

Hagel said if that does not work for them, ISIS is threatening to not send us any more presidents.


The cow methane gas capture plan, which has the support of environmentalists and animal rights groups, is in direct competition with the oxidative coupling process by which Siluria Technologies will convert methane into ethylene and gasoline

The August 21 edition of the Houston Chronicle reports that “Siluria Technologies, a San Francisco-based startup that is developing technology to convert methane into ethylene and gasoline, said Wednesday it has received a $30 million investment from the venture capital arm of Saudi Aramco.” So far, it has received a total of just under $100 million of investments. Siluria, has developed a catalyst that makes it possible to convert methane to ethylene using a process called “oxidative coupling.”

Environment protection groups immediately raised concerns about the adverse effects of more gas drilling on the environment.

Methanoline Energy, a Silicon Valley company , quickly responded to Siluria by announcing that it was developing a much cheaper and more environment friendly process to obtain methane gas than by drilling for it.

It has developed a proctoscopic catheter to be inserted into the rectum of a cow that will capture the bovine gas emissions. The catheters will be hooked up from dairy herds and ranch cattle to storage tanks that will hold the captured gas until it is transported to Methanoline’s refinery which is now under construction near Livermore, California.

In order to convert the bovine methane into gasoline, Methanoline plans to use the gas-to-liquids Fischer–Tropsch technology which has been in use since the 1980s.

Dr. Hideki Shirakawa, a Nobel laureate from the Tokyo Institute of Technology, developed the proctoscopic catheter for Methanoline. Professor Shirakawa admits the Fischer–Tropsch technology is less efficient than Siluria’s oxidative coupling process but says that Methanoline’s process more than makes up for that because it does not require any costly and environmentally destructive drilling. Shirakawa noted that the hardest part in developing this process was to design a proctoscope which would enable a cow to defecate without the poop entering and clogging up the catheter line.

Methanoline CEO I. P. Freely announced that after a careful review by President Obama’s Energy Department, his company has received a $50 million grant under the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA).

“Hooking several hundred cows up to a gas storage tank is a brilliant idea,” said Energy Secretary Ernest Moniz. “I can’t understand why someone hasn’t thought of this before.” When asked if the $50 million grant wasn’t money thrown down the drain like with Solyndra, Moniz replied “No siree, the president has assured me this is a sure winner, especially since cows are constantly passing gas, which Mr. Obama believes contributes to climate warming greenhouse gases.

EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy and Matthew Rodriquez, California Secretary for Environmental Protection, both praised the methane capture process for contributing to the reduction of greenhouse gases and they were pleased that the gas will be produced without any environmentally harmful drilling..

Freely also announced that the Sierra Club had invested $2.5 million in Methanoline and that PETA had invested $1.75 million into the Silicon Valley methane energy company.

Sierra Club executive director Michael Brune said, “We are pleased to support an environment friendly company like Methanoline. It’s plan to capture bovine gas sure beats drilling for gas and all the harm drilling does to the environment. And by capturing all that bovine gas, those greenhouse gas emissions that are behind global warming will be reduced.”

Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA said, “Being opposed to the slaughter of cattle for human meat consumption, we are particularly pleased that Methanoline will hook up its proctoscopic catheters to ranch cattle as well as to dairy herds. When ranch cattle are used to produce methane gas, they will live out their lives passing gas instead of being slaughtered for human meat consumption. Not only will the cattle not be delivered to those horrible slaughter houses, but the resulting shortage of meat will cause a significant rise in prices that will make hamburgers and steaks unaffordable for many people.”

CEO I. P. Freely said that California’s dairy farmers and cattle ranchers are signing up to participate in the methane gas capture program. He hopes to line up Texas cattle ranchers as well. Under the plan, Methanoline will provide all the equipment and it will subsidize 50 percent of the feeding costs. The dairy farmers and cattle ranchers will receive royalty payments based on the amount of methane produced. Participating cattle ranchers will have to sign an agreement that the methane producing cattle will not be sent to slaughter houses. Freely said a methane gas pipeline from the Texas cattle country to its Livermore plant may well be in Methanoline’s future plans.

Western States Dairy Producers Trade Association president Tony Veiga said, “Methanoline’s gas capture process is a double winner for dairy farmers. Not only will our dairy farmers get paid for the gas produced by their herds, but they will be able to continue producing milk, thereby adding to their profits..

Saturday, August 23, 2014


A man is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A giant genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The man thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

After thinking some more, he says, "OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt.”

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.


BarkGrowlBite | August 23, 2014

Thursday’s edition of The Citizen, a community newspaper in Houston, covered a story with the following heading:

Actor charged in shooting at Galveston bar

Before reading the story, I wondered whether Alec Baldwin, Charlie Sheen or even Russell Crowe had come down to Galveston and gotten into another one of their famous brawls. But when I read the story I had a really good belly laugh.

It would seem that an idiot reporter read a police report from the Galveston County Sheriff’s Department about a couple of drunks feuding in the Tiki Bar with one gut-shooting the other. The police report obviously referred to the shooter as the ‘actor.’

Quoting from the story: The actor, Mark Anthony Martino, 56, of Tiki Island, was identified as the shooter ...

The reporter must be unaware that some years ago, in order to be politically correct, police agencies stopped using the term ‘suspect’ in their police reports, using ‘actor’ instead. The politically correct crowd had declared that it was politically incorrect to label a suspect a suspect.

I do not know who is more ignorant, the reporter or the editor of The Citizen who let this big boner slip through.

While I had a good laugh at that reporter’s stupidity, I was sorely disappointed that Alec Baldwin, Charlie Sheen or Russell Crowe had not been involved in a shootout at one of Galveston’s many shit-kicking bars.

Friday, August 22, 2014


(Click on the image to zoom the cartoon.)


Due to a clerical error, Rene Lima-Marin was release from a Colorado prison 90 years too soon

BarkGrowlBite | August 22, 2014

In 2000, Rene Lima-Martin and Michael Clifton were convicted of multiple counts of robbery, kidnapping and burglary after they robbed two Aurora, Colorado video stores at gunpoint. Each man received consecutive sentences totaling 98 years. However, a court clerk mistakenly recorded the sentences to run concurrently.

Lima-Martin was released on parole in 2008, 90 years too soon. He obtained a job, married, had two sons and completed his parole. He did not get into any kind of trouble. But in January of this year, the authorities discovered the clerical error and snatched his ass back into prison.

Lima-Martin, now 35, has appealed his reentry in to prison on grounds that it constituted cruel and unusual punishment. The Arapahoe County prosecutors are not impressed with the exemplary life he led on the outside and are not sympathetic to his plight and that of his family. They contend that he was fully aware of the error and should have notified the prison authorities thereof. Instead he withdrew an appeal in 2001 which prosecutors say proves he wanted to avoid further court action that would call attention to the mistake.

Michael Clifton did not drop the appeal he filed. As a result, the authorities discovered the clerical error and his unhappy ass will continue to roost in prison for a long, long time. Had Clifton dropped his appeal like Lima-Martin did, he too might have been released on parole. On top of that he lost the appeal.

More than 200,000 people have signed a petition urging Lima-Martin’s release.

My opinion, for what it’s worth, is that if we believe in second chances, then this guy clearly made the most of the time he was free, and he did it in an exemplary manner. I realize that Lima-Martin knew he should not have been released, but what person in his position would not have taken advantage of an error made by the court clerk. I say, release the man and let him return to his wife and two kids who badly need him.


A St. Ann, Missouri cop faced off with a protestor in Ferguson, pointing an AR-15 at him and shouting expletives while threatening to kill him

BarkGrowlBite | August 22, 2014

It seems as though some police agencies recruit their cops at insane asylums. Such must be the case with an unnamed St. Ann, Missouri cop who was one of the ‘peacekeepers’ in Ferguson Tuesday night.

Just before midnight, the idiot was videoed with two separate cellphones approaching a protestor , pointing his AR-15 at the man and saying, “I will fucking kill you.” The video has gone viral on You Tube.

On the video, a man is heard saying, “Oh my God, gun raised. My hands are up bro, my hands are up.” That’s when the cop shouted “I will fucking kill you.” Another man then asks, “What’s your name , Sir?” The cop responded by shouting, “Fuck you!” Then a St. Louis County police officer can be seen grabbing the idiot’s arm and leading him away.

From the video, it does not appear as though the cop was being threatened in any way. What he did was not only dangerous, but it was downright foolish.

The idiot was suspended indefinitely Wednesday afternoon. Hopefully, his career as a law enforcement officer will be terminated permanently, as I suspect it soon will be. I know that some of you will say that I am condemning him without knowing all the facts. True, but I do not believe that we can afford to have reckless cops with a short fuse in the police service.

There is no explanation for having a cop like this in a police agency other than to say they must have recruited him at an insane asylum. Since he was a cop when he pointed his AR-15 at a protestor, he gets my vote for Idiot Cop of the Year. Shit, he’ll even get my vote for Idiot Ex-Cop of the Year.

Thursday, August 21, 2014


Butte man’s butt is in trouble for calling cops to complain he didn’t get the sex he paid for

BarkGrowlBite | August 21, 2014

On Saturday night, William McDaniel, 53, was patronizing the Sagebrush Sam’s Exotic Dance Club west of Butte, Montana. He happily plunked down $350 for a private lap dance in a back room of the strip club. When he became sexually aggressive the lap dancer split.

Well, William wasn’t about to let that woman get away with his $350, not when she didn’t give him what he thought he had paid for. He called the cops.

When the cops arrived he complained that he did not get the sex he p[aid for. He demanded a refund.

The cops advised William that offering money to a dancer for sex is illegal. They carted his unhappy ass off to the slammer and charged him with Solicitation of Prostitution.

Poor ole William is not only out his $350 but he also had to put up $550 to bail out of jail. And he's still facing possible jail time and, for sure, a hefty fine.

William gets my vote for the Idiot of the Year Award.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014


BarkGrowlBite | August 20, 2014

17-year-old high school film student, Joe Bush gathered hundreds of images from around the internet and created ‘Our Story In 2 Minutes’, a video which travels through time highlighting Earth’s events in chronological order. Joe uploaded the video back in May 2012.

If you haven't already seen this video, it's a must watch!


A crowded airline flight was cancelled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the line. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "Fuck You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Tuesday, August 19, 2014


Alicia Walicke stole a bottle of wine from a convenience store and waited for the cops to bust her

BarkGrowlBite | August 19, 2014

According to the Associated Press, Alicia Walicke of Cedar Park, Texas stole a $3.99 bottle of wine from a gas station-convenience store Wednesday in order to get herself arrested so she could see her boyfriend who had been jailed hours earlier.

Police found the woman sitting outside the convenience store drinking from the bottle of wine. She explained to them that she wanted to be locked up so she could see her jailed boyfriend.

The woman was taken to the Williamson County jail and charged with misdemeanor theft. She was released Friday on $5,000 bond.

Stupid is as stupid does! Unless out of the kindness of their hearts the jailers arranged for her to see the boyfriend, I doubt that she got her wish.

This bimbo could have stolen a better wine. That would not have led to a more serious charge, nor would her bail have been set any higher. Alicia must be a blonde.

Sunday, August 17, 2014


By Bob Walsh

PACOVILLA Corrections blog
August 6, 2014

Jovanka Beckles, 51, is the vice-mayor of the city of Richmond, California and has been so for four years. She is a self-described lesbian black Latina. Therein lies the rub.

There seems to be a fairly hard core of loud-mouthed intolerant assholes who like to show up at city council meetings and spout vitriol at her, largely because she is a lesbian and because she does not claim straight-up black racial identity. She grew up in the Canal Zone and her parents are from the Caribbean and of African heritage.

At least one of the loud-mouthed assholes is a member of the council. That particular member, a jerk named Corky Booze, seems particularly irritated that Beckles does not self-describe as straight-up black.

Saturday, August 16, 2014


A woman from Venezuela on a flight from Columbia to Madrid was found to be carrying 3.75 lbs. of cocaine in her implanted fake boobs

BarkGrowlBite | August 16, 2014

A 43-year-old Venezuelan woman took a flight from Bogota, Columbia to Madrid, Spain. As she went through customs she appeared to be very nervous. She was taken aside and all her belongings searched. Although the customs officials found nothing suspicious, the woman continued to be nervous. She was then subjected to a full body search by female officers. When they discovered irregularities and deformations in her breasts she confessed that cocaine was concealed in her breast implants.

The woman was taken to a Madrid hospital where doctors surgically removed two plastic bags from her breasts. The bags contained 3.75 lbs. of cocaine worth about $120,000.

When she gets out of a Spanish prison, the woman should return to Columbia and sue the doctor or whoever for giving her a bad boob job. Had her implants been shaped properly, she would most likely have been sent on her merry way.

Of course her predicament probably would have been avoided had she taken a bunch of tranquilizers before her arrival in Madrid.

Friday, August 15, 2014




A couple were seen having sex alongside a pickup truck in the parking lot of the Brandenton, Florida eatery

BarkGrowlBite | August 15, 2014

Diners passing through the parking lot of Beef ‘O’ Brady’s restaurant in Brandenton, Florida on Tuesday called the cops to report that a couple were having sex alongside a red pickup truck.

When the cops arrived around 6 p.m., they observed both 42-year-old April Newcomb and Brandon Tinyes, her 20-year-old lover, naked from the waist down alongside a red pickup truck, she with her legs wrapped around him and he humping her as she moaned.

A couple of cops uncoupled the couple and carted them off to the slammer. The lovebirds were charged with lewd and lascivious behavior and exposure of sexual organs. Brandon got hit with an additional pot possession charge.

In 2010, April got busted for cheering on her daughter in a cat fight. She was heard yelling, “Don’t fucking stop” and “punch her in the fucking body.” She pled ‘No Contest’ and was sentenced to 75 hours of community service for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Thursday, August 14, 2014


BarkGrowlBite | August 14, 2014

You may think what I'm about to tell you is a joke, but it's not, it really happened.

I ran into an old acquaintance of mine the other day and told him about my new Zounds hearing aids. He told me he also needed hearing aids but wanted to put off getting them for as long as possible.

“This way,” he said, “I don’t have to listen to my wife and if she tells me to do something and I don’t do it, I can always tell her I did not hear her.”

“Well, when you do decide to get them,” I said, “I would recommend these Zounds hearing aids, they’re only $3,600 a pair with insurance.”

“Thirty six hundred,” he exclaimed, “Shit, I’ll just go to Lip Reading school, that’ll be a lot cheaper.”

Wednesday, August 13, 2014



BarkGrowlBite | August 13, 2014

KPCC reports that Dignity Power Now, an L.A.-based activist group, conducted a study which found that 43 percent of Los Angeles jail inmates with serious mental illnesses are black. The report was assembled with the participation of law students at UCLA’s International Human Rights Law Program.

Blacks make up only 9.6 percent of the general population, but 30 percent of Los Angeles jail inmates are black.

It stands to reason that the jail population of the mentally ill is a microcosm of the mentally ill population in society at large. That would mean a much higher percentage of blacks than whites are nuts.

They say the proof is in the pudding. Almost all black voters voted for Obama. Doesn’t that prove they were nuts? Many blacks look to Al Sharpton as a leader of and spokesman for the black community. Doesn’t that prove they are nuts? And while most Americans believe Obama has done a poor job, the overwhelming majority of blacks still approve of Obama as president. Now that definitely proves they are nuts!

Sunday, August 10, 2014


The Snake Oil Willie Band


A gun is like a parachute. If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again.


A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other in her Atlanta home when her phone rings.

She picks up the phone, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay, love you too. Bye bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he and you are having at the NASCAR events in Daytona."

Friday, August 8, 2014


Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack issues emergency order after Danish and Swedish scientists discover huge plumes of methane leaking from the Arctic Ocean floor into the atmosphere

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama acted swiftly and decisively in response to studies by scientists from the Geological Survey of Denmark and Greenland and scientists at Stockholm University which found huge plumes of methane leaking from the Arctic Ocean floor into the atmosphere.

The release of man-made carbon dioxide is widely recognized as a major factor in global warming. But methane is 23 times more potent than CO2 in trapping heat.

The Danish and Swedish scientists found that other scientists were mistaken in the belief that methane bubbles escaping from the Arctic Ocean floor would dissolve before they reached the surface. They warned that the release of methane will be catastrophic for mankind.

Dr. Jason Box, a widely published climatologist who is currently a professor of glaciology at the Geological Survey of Denmark and Greenland, has been studying the Arctic for decades. Dr. Box said, “If even a small fraction of Arctic sea floor carbon is released to the atmosphere, we're fucked.” Box added, “We’re on a trajectory to an unmanageable heating scenario and we need to get off it. We’re fucked at a certain point, right? It just becomes unmanageable. The climate dragon is being poked, and eventually the dragon becomes pissed off enough to trash the place.”

On Friday, President Obama held an impromptu press conference in the White House Rose Garden. With Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack at his side, Obama said that while we cannot do much about methane escaping from the Arctic Ocean floor, we can take other steps to reduce methane emissions into the atmosphere.

“As I understand it,” said Obama, “a substantial amount of methane is released into the atmosphere every day as a result of gas flatulence by cattle and other livestock. I’ve just come from an emergency session of my Council of Advisors on Science and Technology. The Council agrees there is cause for alarm and recommended that, in order to reduce the emissions of methane into the atmosphere, we feed our livestock gas flatulence medications. I’ve got to leave now because tomorrow Michelle, the kids and I are starting our vacation at Martha’s Vineyard, so I’m turning you folks over to Secretary Vilsack.”

“Thank you Mr. President,” said Vilsack. “Just as soon as I get back to my office, I will issue an emergency order to all farmers and ranchers that all cattle and other livestock must be fed Gas-X Extra daily. At this very moment, our scientists are determining the amounts Gas-X Extra that will need to be fed to different kinds of livestock. And let me urge you to advise all Americans to cut down on their consumption of beans, broccoli, soft drinks and other gaseous foods because every little bit will help. Considering the extreme seriousness of gas flatulence among livestock, I must return to my office immediately. Thank you all for coming.”

Shares of Novartis Consumer Health, the maker of Gas-X and Gas-X Extra, soared 700 percent immediately after Secretary Vilsack’s announcement.

Monday, August 4, 2014


Two patients limp into two different doctors' offices with the same complaint: Both have trouble walking and may require hip surgery.

Patient 1 is examined within the hour. X-rays are taken and reviewed right away. He has a time booked for surgery the following week.

Patient 2 sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment. Then he waits 8 weeks to see a specialist. He gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week. Finally he has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then, pending the review board’s decision on his age and remaining value to society.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

Patient 1 is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.

Patient 2 is a Senior Citizen on Obamacare.


It was mailman Dave's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a $500 gift certificate.

At the second house they presented him 50 Davidoff Nicaragua Toro cigars in an elegantly carved cigar humidor.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of Johnnie Walker Black Label Deluxe Blend Scotch Whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, toast, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him! Give him five dollars.'"

Friday, August 1, 2014


A guy is driving around the back woods of Virginia and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for five years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. Finally I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the owner says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's full of shit! He's never been out of the yard.'