Wednesday, July 30, 2014


Clint Eastwood promises that Alligatornado, his blockbuster film now in production, will make Sharknado and Sharknado 2 look like childsplay

HOLLYWOOD – Clint Eastwood, with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson , Russell Crowe, Jessica Biel and Beyonce at his side, told a gathering of the Hollywood press corps on Wednesday that Alligatornado, his blockbuster film was now in full production with a budget of $130 million. The legendary star and movie director promised that Alligatornado will make SyFy’s Sharknado and Sharknado 2 look like childsplay.

“It’s going to have everything – action, horror, laughs and sex – as a supertornado sucks up all the alligators in the Everglades and deposits them on Washington, D.C.,” said Eastwood. “Unlike the unknowns in those two cheap SyFy Sharknado TV films, I’ve secured two of Hollywood’s leading action heroes in Dwayne and Russell, and two of the sexiest looking women in the world, Jessica and Beyonce … and yes, they’re both going to bare it all on the screen.”

Eastwood pointed out that unlike the unbelievable and ridiculous scenes of sharks flopping through the air and Los Angeles and New York being flooded all over, Alligatornado will be much more believable since "we won’t need to flood the District of Columbia because alligators are at home both on land and in the water. My alligators are going to hit the ground running and attack the White House and Congress ... oh yeah, and they're going to have a feast at the IRS. But just wait until you see them chomping away at the members of congress while both houses are in session. And they’re after the president and his family as Secret Service agents try desperately to save them."

Eastwood said that Cuba Gooding has been cast as President Barack Obama and Halle Berry as Michelle Obama. When asked if Barack ad Michelle would be devoured by the gators, he replied, “Well, I hate to give the plot away … all I will say is get accustomed to President Joe Biden.”

When reporters asked Jessica Biel how she felt about appearing in the nude, she blushed and replied, “I’ve never done anything like this before and I didn’t want to do it, but Clint is such a great director, and he’s so persuasive, that I couldn’t turn him down. There’ll be no body double, it’ll be my boobs and my butt. And my scenes with Dwayne will be absolutely steamy.

Beyonce said she did not hesitate to appear nude in the film when Eastwood proposed she bare it all. “How can I turn down such a great director? Besides, many of my concert tour costumes make me look almost naked anyway. I promise you, my nude scenes with Russell will be eye-popping.”

Russell Crowe said that he and Beyonce are playing the part of two Secret Service agents, and “we will be performing several simulated sex acts throughout the movie. When we’re not making love, we’re busy trying to save the President and the First Lady from a bunch of snapping alligators.”

Dwayne Johnson said he was playing the part of the National Zoo’s reptile expert who is called upon to rid the nation’s capital of the alligators. “Jessica plays the part of the zoo’s assistant director who has been having a longtime affair with me and insists on accompanying me as I try to get rid of the gators. And yes, like Russell and Beyonce, we too are going to perform several steamy simulated sex acts throughout the movie.”

Eastwood also announced that Tiffany Coyne, the stunning model on Let’s Make a Deal, will play a leading role as a stripper and pole dancer at Camelot, a well-known D.C. nude club. “Tiffany has also been having an affair with Russell. Wait till you see the cat fight between Tiffany and Beyonce … it will blow your mind as they battle over Russell, ripping each other’s clothes off, yanking at each other’s hair, punching and kicking each other amidst snapping alligators.”

When a reporter yelled, "Hey Clint, who's going to win that brawl, Beyonce or Tiffany?," Eastwood replied, "I'll never tell. Come see the movie."

Eastwood said that the movie is being bankrolled by George Soros. “George made me promise that the alligators would wipe out the officers and staff at the headquarters of AIPAC [American Israel Public Affairs Committee]. He told me the reason he was willing to put his money into my film was because he hated that pro-Israel lobby group so much that even though this was a science fiction movie, it would give him the greatest satisfaction to see alligators chomping up the Zionists at AIPAC.”

Eastwood added that Sheldon Adelson wanted to bankroll the film, “but only if I got a real alligator to actually kill George Soros and some real gators to chew up everyone at the headquarters of J Street [a lobby group bankrolled by Soros to counter AIPAC].”

One of the reporters yelled, "Hey Clint, are your critters going after the Democrats or the Republicans?" Eastwood replied, "Well, I thought about them attacking only Democrats, but my alligators are bipartisan. I'll tell you one thing for sure ... Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi are gator meat!"

Eastwood promised an electrifying climax when Dwayne and Jessica carry out a plan to exterminate the alligators. He estimated production would wind up by the end of the year and he is planning for the premiere to be held in the nation’s capital next July.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014


A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Since we’re living in Dearborn Michigan, why are you still wearing all that shit?


A sign placed in a bar’s window that included a reference to Irish drunks, offended a lot of people, but probably not the Irish

BarkGrowlBite | July 29, 2014

It just goes to show that the politically correct crowd can’t take a joke. The people that objected to the sign need to get a life.


So read a sign in the window of The Dock, a bar in Montauk on New York’s Long Island. The NO IRISH DRUNKS part of the sign set off a shitstorm of protests.

George Watson, the owner of The Dock, is a retired NYC firefighter who bought the bar in 1973. In response to the protests, Watson used his website to say:

At The Dock, we feel that in order for a joke to be funny, it must be told at someone’s expense. We tell ethnic, sexist, and racial jokes - everyone gets their turn in the barrel. If you are self absorbed yuppie scum with a cellphone and ''free spirited'' children, go elsewhere.

While Watson was unapologetic, he did cover up the word ‘Irish’ with a sheet of paper that reads: SENSITIVE.

Monday, July 28, 2014


Hmmm, I wonder if this were to happen in the U.S., would it be covered by Obamacare?

Sunday, July 27, 2014


A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

The parish’s Congressman, who was also a member of the congregation, had been chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed in traffic, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the Congressman arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession.


A man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

He replied, “I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer asked, “Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?”

He replied, “That would be my wife.”

Saturday, July 26, 2014


Two naked men and one wearing only briefs broke into a Bonita Beach, Florida eatery and took off with 60 burgers, three pounds of bacon and some red peppers

BarkGrowlBite | July 26, 2014

On Sunday at 3:06 a.m., three brazen burglars, two of them completely naked and one wearing only briefs, broke into the kitchen of Doc’s Beach House, an eatery at Florida’s Bonita Beach. Apparently the naked thieves were only after food and not any of the burger joint’s money. They absconded with 60 burgers, three pounds of bacon and some red peppers, as well as a paddleboard. The whole kitchen caper lasted only five minutes.

When the thieves realized they were being filmed by security cameras, they tried to cover up their dicks and faces. But they were too late, as the cameras caught their dicks and all.

Later that morning, Doc’s kitchen staff found the red peppers on the beach near a beach bathhouse about 100 yards from the eatery. The News-Press reports Shelly Isom, one of Doc’s waitresses, as saying “They left a trail like Hansel and Gretel. One of them probably said after, 'Uh, guys, where did we leave our clothes?’”

Nancy Sansevieri, another waitresses, laughingly referred to the trio as “knuckleheads’ and named them “Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest.”

Lou Bangert, Doc’s manager, told the News-Press that his waitresses “want to meet the bandits. Everybody wants to work the night shift now.”

Since the waitresses are hot to trot for the culprits, I would have to think they were very well endowed.

The police have released pictures of the thieves but the naked truth is that the bare-ass bandits remain unidentified and are still at large.

Friday, July 25, 2014


The Onion | July 25, 2014

MCALESTER, OK—Shortly before administering a lethal injection to a prisoner sentenced to death by the state, Oklahoma Department of Corrections executioner Michael Callahan reportedly entered the death chamber Friday at Oklahoma State Penitentiary carrying a large plastic bag full of purchases from a nearby Home Depot.

“I typically run out to the store an hour or so ahead of time and grab some of the stuff we need,” Callahan told reporters, referring to the jugs and canisters of hazardous chemicals acquired from the home improvement retailer, which included antifreeze, rat poison, and the weed killer Roundup. “This’ll be the first time I’m going with drain cleaner instead of bleach, so I’m really curious about how the guy’s going to react. I’ll kind of mix this stuff together and fill up a syringe with it and we’ll be good to go. I think 50 CC’s seems about right.”

Callahan added that in the event the toxic concoction failed to kill the prisoner, he could always make a second trip to Home Depot and be back at the execution chamber in half an hour.

Thursday, July 24, 2014


A Syracuse cop was looking at his patrol car’s computer, not at a red traffic light when he collided with another cop car

BarkGrowlBite | July 24, 2014

Syracuse, NY Officer Robert Harrington, 35, was driving his marked patrol car while responding to a suspicious person call late Tuesday morning. He was looking at the patrol car’s computer instead of where he was going. He blew a red traffic light and – oops, a great big, big oops – he collided with an unmarked Syracuse cop car driven by Detective Edward MacBlane, 51.

Neither Harrington or MacBlane were hurt, but you couldn’t say that about the two cop cars.

Harrington was not cited for blowing the red traffic light. Now suppose Harrington had been a civilian, do you think he would have gotten off without getting a citation? If you still believe in the tooth fairy, you could say Harrington was not cited because it was the computer’s fault.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014


When JaJuane Deshawn Etheridge lied about robbing an elderly couple of their puppy Harpo, Clackamas County Circuit Judge Susie Norby came forth with some poetic justice

BarkGrowlBite | July 23, 2014

On Monday, Clackamas County Circuit Judge Susie Norby found JaJuane Deshawn Etheridge, 24, guilty of robbery, theft, unlawful use of a firearm and being a felon in possession of a firearm.

Back in October 2012, James and Patricia Steele, a retired couple of English bulldog breeders, agreed to meet Etheridge in the parking lot of Clackamas Town Center where he was supposed to purchase Harpo, one of their bred puppies. When they met Etheridge he snatched Harpo, valued at $2,000, from them at gunpoint, telling them he would not hesitate to kill them. As the dognapper fled, James Steele was able to jot down his license number. Etheridge gave Harpo to his girlfriend Elizabeth Shaw as a birthday gift for her daughter. The gun he used to rob the retired couple belonged to Shaw who had purchased it for protection.

As Shaw, her daughter and Etheridge were watching television, a TV news reporter described the dognapping. Shaw promptly called the cops and after a three-hour standoff with a SWAT unit, the asshole surrendered. The cops found Harpo stuffed in a suitcase when they searched Shaw’s apartment. They found the dognapper’s car nearby. And later, investigators found one of his fingerprints on Shaw’s gun.

In the face of such overwhelming evidence, Etheridge told Judge Norby that he had been set up. He claimed not to have been at the Town Center parking lot that day. He said he asked some friends to get him a dog that he could sell to his girlfriend. He said that when his friends told Shaw, she gave them her gun and suggested they use it to rob the Steeles of Harpo.

While he was in jail, the authorities taped a number of phone calls he made to Shaw in which he kept pressuring her to not cooperate with police, to deny knowing the dog was stolen and not to testify against him. Against the advice of his attorney, the idiot insisted that the phone calls be introduced into evidence at his trial.

Judge Susie got a bit miffed at Jajuane over his obvious lies. The Oregonian quoted the judge as follows:

"We do not have ... any reasonable alternative explanation for the many incriminating circumstances that converged against him. The inescapable conclusion from the many phone calls and the absurdity of the defendent's testimony on the witness stand is that (Etheridge) will tell any lie, to anyone, at any time, to try to get out of the consequences of his actions."

Before pronouncing Jajuane guilty, Judge Susie bestowed the following poem on the lying dognapper:

You lied and lied; I can't put that aside.
It was your car; you went too far.
You hid the pup; the jig was up.
You got rid of the gun; your game is done.

Etheridge will be sentenced on August 1. Steve Mayes of the Oregonian believes Judge Norby will deal harshly with the sorry asshole when she sentences him. Mayes penned the following poem:

The defendant should expect the worst.
That much was made clear from the first.
The judge's words were dire.
You sir, she said, are a liar.

Monday, July 21, 2014


According to the Daily Mail, an unidentified man listed all the excuses on the internet that his wife gave during the month of June in turning him down for sex. Sound familiar anyone?

I’m watching the show. (Friends rerun)

I feel sweaty and gross. I need a shower (didn’t shower till next morning)

I’m exhausted.

I’m still a bit tender from yesterday.

I’m trying to watch the movie. (fell asleep 15 minutes later)

I’m too drunk.

I ate too much.

I won’t have time to get showered and ready for dinner. (we were 20 minutes early)

I just came back from the gym. I feel gross. (didn’t shower till next morning)

I have to be up early.

You’re too drunk.

I’m not feeling good.

I’m too tired.

I might be getting sick.

I still don’t feel 100 percent.

I’m watching my show. I don’t want to miss anything.


A Michigan woman has been released on bail after being convicted of shooting her married lover of 15 years because she got ‘pissed off’ when he did not perform adequately during sex

BarkGrowlBite | July 21, 2014

Sadie Bell, 58, of Southfield, Michigan had a 15-year affair with Edward Lee, 60, her married lover. On July 28, 2013, Sadie and Ed were in the sack having sex at her apartment. Apparently Ed was petered out because he barely ejaculated. That led Sadie to believe ole Ed was cheating on her. So, a pissed off Sadie got her gun and shot poor Ed in his tummy.

Ed spent five weeks in the hospital and underwent major surgeries for damage to his pancreas, colon, liver and kidney.

According to Oakland County Chief Assistant Prosecutor Paul Walton, “She stated that she knew he was having an affair because he wasn’t producing enough ejaculate. She also said to the police some very graphic things about how she expected him to perform, she was a cheap date, she liked sex, she expected him to be able to do what he’s promised; and she said, in essence, to quote her, she was pissed off, so she shot him.”

In April, Sadie was convicted of assault with intent to do great bodily harm and received a sentence of 20 months to 10 years, plus another two years on a gun possession charge. Her attorney informed the court that he will appeal her conviction and asked that she be released on bail. The court granted the request and Sadie was released Thursday on $10,000 bail.

Walton had opposed her release on bail. He contended that Sadie was a risk to the public because, in addition to shooting Ed, back in 1991 she also shot her then husband. No charges were brought against her in that shooting because her husband refused to testify against her.

I think this case should make the Annals of Criminal Justice. Here we have a woman who got pissed off because a 60-year old fart that was cheating on his wife cheated on her.

Sunday, July 20, 2014




It did not take long for the conspiracy theorists to crawl out of the woodworks with their take on the downed Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17

BarkGrowlBite | July 20, 2014

Here are some of the theories put forth:

Obama did it: President Obama intended to kill Putin, but the missile shot by the U.S. hit another plane that was near the flight path of the Russian leader’s plane.

The CIA did it: No explanation is necessary since the CIA always does it.

The Illuminati did it: The secret society shot down the plane as part of their plot to establish a new world order. The Illuminati chose Flight MH17 because of its links to the number seven. It was a Boing 777 that made its maiden flight on July 17, 1997, exactly 17 years ago to the day. July is the seventh month of 2014 and by adding up 2+0+1+4 you get seven.

Christine Lagarde did it: The managing director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) used the occult to down the plane. She gave a speech on numerology to the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. last January in which she emphasized the number seven. More of that Illuminati numerology crap.

This Malaysian Airlines plane was actually the same one that disappeared over the Indian Ocean last March: The theorists do not explain how this could happen.

The Jews did it to start World War III: No explanation is necessary since the Jews are always blamed.

The Rothschilds did it: More of those damn Jews. The theorists believe the Rosthschilds downed the plane over something to do with BRICS (Brazil, Russia, India, China and South Africa) Development Bank and the end of the U.S. dollar.

The Zionists did it: The Zionists, more of those damn Jews, had the plane shot down as part of their plot to control the world. The Arabs must love this theory.

The Israelis did it to draw attention away from their slaughter of Palestinians in Gaza: Still more of those damn Jews. The Israeli’s shot the plane down shortly after they killed four little Palestinian boys playing on a Gaza beach and a day before their ground forces invaded Gaza.

The passports of victims pictured in the news were planted at the crash scene: The pictured passports were in such ‘pristine’ conditions that there is no way they could have been on the plane when it crashed.

CNN did it to increase its ratings: CNN increased its ratings with extensive coverage of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370’s disappearance over the Indian Ocean. CNN had Flight MH7 shot down so that extensive coverage of this tragedy would further increase the network’s ratings.

As far as I'm concerned, the last one cannot be topped!

Saturday, July 19, 2014


$60,000 worth of damage done to kill one little spider

BarkGrowlBite | July 19, 2014

In West Seattle on Tuesday, a yet to be identified man used a can of spray paint and a lighter to make a makeshift blowtorch which he used to kill a spider in the laundry room, but in the process he started a blaze that did $60,000 worth of damage to the house he was renting. He tried to douse the flames with water but the fire spread quickly to the attic of his home. He and his mother barely escaped with their lives.

Kyle Moore, a spokesman for the Seattle Fire Department, told the Associated Press that “There are safer, more effective ways to kill a spider than using fire. Fire is not the method to use to kill a spider.” No shit!

Fire officials do not believe the spider survived since the wall it was on was engulfed in flames.

What we seem to have here is a renter who is either a very stupid human or a very brilliant ape. Or just maybe we have a man who tried to kill a spider while enjoying his legal (in Washington) recreational marijuana.

Friday, July 18, 2014


In his third successful lawsuit against NYPD, a jury awards a crook $510,000 because his ankle was broken during an arrest for shoplifting

BarkGrowlBite | July 18, 2014

Who says crime does not pay?

Kevin Jarman, 50, is a crook, but he is also a successful serial lawsuit filer. In 2005, the city settled for $15,000 after Jarman had sued NYPD for false arrest on drug sales, the charges against him having been dropped. Last month the city settled with him for $20,000 in another false arrest lawsuit he filed last year for a drug sales bust after the charges were likewise dropped. On Wednesday, Jarman hit the mother lode when a Brooklyn jury awarded him $510,000 because his ankle was broken when he was arrested for shoplifting at a Queens supermarket.

Jarman claimed that when he was arrested for shoplifting at a Pathmark supermarket in May 2011, one of the arresting officers, Sgt. Samuel Morales, yanked him by the handcuffs while deliberately standing on his foot. Because the officer was standing on his foot, Jarman could not balance himself. He tripped breaking his ankle in the process. Jarman spent nine days in a hospital. The jury deliberated only a few hours before awarding the crook more than half-a-million bucks.

A law enforcement official called the verdict nuts. The city will appeal, hoping all that glitters for Jarman is not gold!

Thursday, July 17, 2014


After looking at a TV reporter’s D.C. driver’s license this past weekend, the Orlando International Airport TSA agent determined that the District of Columbia was a foreign nation

BarkGrowlBite | July 17, 2014

Justin Gray, a reporter for Washington’s WUSA9, was at the Orlando International Airport TSA security checkpoint preparing to board an airliner for a flight back home when a TSA agent asked to see his ID. Gray pulled out his District of Columbia driver’s license. After looking at the license, the agent demanded to see Gray’s passport. Gray told the agent that he did not bring it along and asked why the agent needed to see his passport. The agent told Gray that he did not recognize the license and so the District of Columbia must be a foreign nation. Gray was eventually allowed to board the flight for his return home.

WUSA9 has learned this was the second incident of its kind at OIA, but airline passengers with D.C. licenses have been asked for their passports at other airports throughout the country.

Douglas Kidd, with the National Association of Airline Passengers, said, "They [the TSA] simply have not been either applying or maintaining standards for good personnel."

This incident is not just a reflection of poor TSA personnel hiring practices, but it is also a reflection of today’s sorry state of public education. But wait a minute, maybe I spoke to soon. Come to think of it, that agent was not mistaken. The way things are going on in the nation’s capital, it is easy to see why one might think the District of Columbia is a foreign nation.


An Illinois jail inmate charged with two brutal murders files a 15-count complaint about his accommodations

BarkGrowlBite | July 17, 2014

Adam Landerman, 21, the son of a Joliet police officer, is in the Will County jail charged with the 2013 brutal murders of Terrance Rankins and Eric Glover, both 22.

According to the Chicago Tribune, Landerman, Joshua Miner, 26, Bethany McKee, 20, and Alisa Massaro, 20, lured the victims to Massaro’s home in Joliet where they were robbed and strangled to death. After murdering the two men, the quartet started to party. McKee left early and called her father to tell him what happened. He called the police. When the cops showed up, they found the two bodies and Landerman, Miner and Massaro still partying.

Landerman and Miner did the strangling and, together with McKee, are charged with murder. Massaro pled guilty to robbery and concealing a homicide, and has agreed to testify against the other three in exchange for a 10-year sentence.

Landerman is unhappy with his jail accommodations. Last week, he filed a 15-count complaint asking a Will County judge to remedy the conditions he complains about. According to the Tribune, here are some of his complaints:

The towels are too small, the temperature is not properly controlled, the menu is not diverse, barber services are not available, items in the commissary are overpriced, rules provided to inmates are vague and that inmates are “routinely penalized for rule violations which are completely taken out of context.” The jail does not provide shaving cream for inmates who are indigent and cannot afford to buy it from the commissary. The jail does not provide breakfast after 6:30 a.m. and that lunch is served too early.

Will County Chief Deputy Sheriff Ken Kaupas responded to Landerman’s complaints by telling the Tribune that “We’re not a hotel, we’re a jail. We treat all of our in-custodies in a fair way.”

Tuesday, July 15, 2014


State Sen. Ted Lieu, a Redondo Beach democrat, is the author of Senate Bill 938 which will establish the first Monday in October as California’s annual ‘Offender Recognition Day’

BarkGrowlBite | July 15, 2014

While Sen. Leu’s bill was passed by an overwhelming majority in the Senate, last Tuesday it has hit a road bump in the in the Assembly Public Safety Committee because of opposition to the bill by the correctional officers union and by crime victims groups that claim the measure is an “ill-conceived effort to foster public sympathy for offenders.” Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, a San Francisco democrat, is trying to convince the opposition groups that Sen. Lieu’s proposed law is “seeking to enhance self-esteem and foster rehabilitation.” The committee must either pass or reject the bill by June 27.

News Flash: We have just experienced a minor earthquake in Houston. When I told a group of my friends about Senator Lieu’s ‘Offender Recognition Day’ bill, they laughed so hard that the earth beneath them shook.

I can see special events being held, both in and outside California prisons, recognizing and honoring offenders for their achievements.

Here is Sen. Lieu handing out the awards at the first annual Offender Recognition Day ceremony:

It gives me great pleasure to MC this inaugural ‘Offender Recognition Day’ event and honor you men and women for your outstanding achievements as criminals. Each of you will receive a plaque and $100 cash prize. My intent in introducing the legislation that made this event possible was to help you raise your self-esteem. As you receive these awards from a grateful California public, please take great pride in your achievements as burglars, robbers, rapists and murderers.

And here are just a few of the honorees Sen. Lieu recognized:

“Jesus Gomez Garcia, in recognition of your committing 27 burglaries before you got caught, and for being in our country illegally, please accept this plaque and cash prize on behalf of the grateful citizens of California.”

“Leroy Washington DuBois, in recognition of your being the Crips' leading carjacker and committing 32 carjackings in Los Angeles before you got caught, please accept this plaque and cash prize on behalf of the grateful citizens of California.”

“Charlie Manson, in recognition of your ability to organize and lead a pack of young and devoted followers and your very persuasive powers in getting that pack to slaughter people, please accept this plaque and cash prize on behalf of the grateful citizens of California. And should you ever get out of prison, Charlie, I will personally pay for the removal of that swastika tattoo from your forehead because I believe that will help you raise your self-esteem.”

“Albert Amaya, or ‘Spanky’ as you’re known by your fellow gang members, in recognition of your leadership in the Mexican Mafia, please accept this plaque and cash prize on behalf of the grateful citizens of California.”

“Todd Ashker, in recognition of your membership in the Aryan Brotherhood and your leadership in the hunger strike at Pelican Bay State Prison, please accept this plaque and cash prize on behalf of the grateful citizens of California.”

“Chester Turner, in recognition of your killing 14 women and an unborn child, please accept this plaque and cash prize on behalf of the grateful citizens of California, and may you enjoy a long life here on San Quentin’s death row.”

“Stephanie Lazarus, in recognition of the fact that it took LAPD over 20 years before they nailed you for the murder of Sherri Rasmussen during which time you were promoted to police detective, please accept this plaque and cash prize on behalf of the grateful citizens of California.”

“Phillip and Nancy Garrido, as the first husband and wife team to be honored on Offender Recognition Day, we recognize you for fooling both federal and state parole officers for more than 18 years while you held kidnapped Jaycee Dugard captive. Please accept these plaques and cash prizes on behalf of the grateful citizens of California.”

“O.J. Simpson, even though you are now in a Nevada prison for robbery and kidnapping, the State of California takes great pleasure in presenting you with this special Lifetime Achievement award in recognition of your relentless efforts in trying to find the murderer of your ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman even as far away as Florida's golf courses. Please accept this plaque and a special $200 cash prize from the grateful citizens of California.”

Jeff ‘Paco’ Doyle, a former California correctional officer and retired state parole agent, says:

I am not completely closed to the idea of a day recognizing criminals for all they have done for me and my family.

Clearly, hundreds of thousands are employed in secure, good paying careers thanks to crime. From the cops to courts to corrections, we all benefit from the misbehavior of criminals–The least we can do is recognize them, right?

Which isn’t to say we ought to celebrate them. Just recognize them as the misfits and miscreants they are–Here’s to you Mr. and Ms. Criminal. Have a nice day whether in jail, prison, on probation, on parole or on the run.

As for my take on Offender Recognition Day, that's why I call it Kookfornia!


Final tally: 82 shot, 16 killed

BarkGrowlBite | July 15, 2014

Over the Fourth of July weekend in Chicago, 82 people got shot, with 16 of them shot dead. Ironically, Chicago has among the strictest gun controls in the nation.

How are those gun controls working out for the city’s gun-control champion, Mayor Rahm Emanuel? Very well indeed! The crooks and gangbangers control the guns. Unfortunately for the mayor though, a survey conducted July 9 shows Emanuel would lose badly to either Chicago Teachers Union President Karen Lewis or Cook County Board President Toni Preckwinkle in next year’s mayoral election. The July 4th weekend shootings are believed to have tanked the mayor.

While Chicago’s crooks and gangbangers are in solid control of the city’s guns, they continue to have an enormous problem. They are piss-poor shots. The shooters are badly in need of some serious practice time at shooting ranges, what with 82 people shot and only 16 of them killed. And God only knows how many people were shot at over the July 4th weekend, and missed, to say nothing about how many innocent bystanders were hit when the intended targets were missed.

Monday, July 14, 2014


The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, both would eventually just end up destroying themselves. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: A duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied, "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons in Florida working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

Sunday, July 13, 2014



Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
one who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
one who calls, not waits for weeks.
Oh send me a king to make me a queen,
a man who loves to cook and clean.


Before I crap out and fall asleep,
I pray for a beautiful blonde deaf-mute
gymnast nymphomaniac with big boobs,
who owns a bar on a golf course, and
loves to make me go fishing and drinking.
I know this little poem doesn't rhyme,
but you know what, I don't give a shit!


Jose Arechiga Gamboa, aka “El Chino Antrax,” was arrested in Amsterdam and extradited to the U.S. despite his elaborate efforts to conceal his true identity

BarkGrowlBite | July 13, 2014

Arechiga’s career with the Sinaloa drug cartel began as a cartel bodyguard. He rose in the ranks to lead the “El Antrax” group of enforcers that provided security for drug shipments and made sure that cartel members did not get out of line or snuffed those who did. Later, he became a high-level Sinaloa cartel leader.

To avoid apprehension, Arechiga went to great lengths to disguise his identity. He traveled using a dead Mexican man’s identity, obtained a phony passport, underwent extensive plastic surgery and attempted to alter his fingerprints. Ah, but all his elaborate efforts went for naught.

On December 20, a federal grand jury in San Diego indicted Jose for conspiracy to import methamphetamine, cocaine and marijuana. Ten days later, he was netted in Amsterdam as he was getting off a flight from Mexico City. He fought extradition but, on May 28, a Dutch court allowed U.S. Marshals to snatch Jose for transfer to the U.S.

Arechiga arrived in San Diego on Thursday and made his first U.S. court appearance the following day when he pleaded not guilty to all charges. He did admit to his true identity. Jose is being held without bail.

It would appear that El Chino Antrax has a good case for filing a malpractice suit against his plastic surgeons.

Saturday, July 12, 2014


Missouri dope dealer serving life in prison wants out claiming he thought a marijuana brick contained home-made Mexican food

BarkGrowlBite | July 12, 2014

Jeff Mizanskey has been in a Missouri prison for 21 years. He received a life sentence after being convicted of possessing (five pounds) marijuana with intent to distribute. He was caught in a sting operation with three others during which he handled a brick of marijuana and indicated he would get $10,000 to buy a load of bricks two of the others had been caught with and were thus cooperating with the cops.

During his time in prison, Mizanskey has gained a large following of sympathizers who are demanding his release from prison because he is serving a sentence for “nonviolent, marijuana-only charges.” His supporters say he is Missouri’s only inmate “sentenced to death in prison for pot.” They have put up big billboards in his behalf. Mizanskey has conned his supporters into believing that he is the victim of an over-zealous prosecutor and a biased judge.

Mizanskey himself is pleading with people to write Missouri Governor Jay Nixon asking that be granted parole. On Wednesday, he released the following statement through the Riverfront Times:

I've been sitting in prison going on 21 years for a nonviolent crime. I still have not heard much of anything from the governor. I was told by Tony [Nenninger], my lawyer, that he talked to one of the governor's men and was told that there have been around 1,000 calls and about 100 letters since, as well as 470,000 signatures on the petition.

Thank you all for what you have done. Unfortunately, Tony also told me that the governor pays more attention to letters most of all. So now I have to come back to you all and ask for more help. If you can find a few minutes to send a short letter to the governor, I know it would help. I don't have anyone else to ask but all of you. Thank you all again. Please write and call the governor.

Here is my suggestion for anyone who may be contemplating writing to Gov. Nixon: Find something more important to do! However, if you insist on writing the governor, ask him to keep that dope-dealing con-artist locked up!

Mizanskey is the only prisoner in the world serving a life sentence for handling a package of Mexican food. After he got busted, he told investigators he thought the brick of marijuana was a package of home-made Mexican food. That whopper alone calls for a life sentence.


The agency sent out 14,000 draft registration notices to males born between 1893 and 1897

BarkGrowlBite | July 12, 2014

If nothing else, this hilarious mistake serves as a reminder that all males born in the U.S. must register with Selective Service within 30 days after reaching their 18th birthday.

By Michael Rubinkam

Associated Press
July 10, 2014

WILKES-BARRE, Pa. -- No, the United States isn't trying to build a military force of centenarians.

It just seems that way after the Selective Service System mistakenly sent notices to more than 14,000 Pennsylvania men born between 1893 and 1897, ordering them to register for the nation's military draft and warning that failure to do so is "punishable by a fine and imprisonment."

The agency realized the error when it began receiving calls from bewildered relatives last week.

Chuck Huey, 73, of Kingston, said he got a notice addressed to his late grandfather Bert Huey, a World War I veteran who was born in 1894 and died in 1995 at age 100.

"I said, 'Geez, what the hell is this about?' It said he was subject to heavy fines and imprisonment if he didn't sign up for the draft board," he said. "We were just totally dumbfounded."

Huey said he tried calling the Selective Service but couldn't get a live person on the line. That frustrated him even more because he wanted to make sure the agency knew there had been a mistake.

"You just never know. You don't want to mess around with the federal government," he said.

The glitch, it turns out, originated with the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation during a transfer of nearly 400,000 records to the Selective Service. A clerk working with the state's database failed to select the century, producing records for males born between 1993 and 1997 — and for those born a century earlier, PennDOT spokeswoman Jan McKnight said Thursday.

"We made a mistake, a quite serious selection error," McNight said.

The Selective Service didn't initially catch it because the state used a two-digit code to indicate year of birth, spokesman Pat Schuback said. The federal agency identified 27,218 records of men born in the 1800s, began mailing notices to them on June 30, and began receiving calls from family members on July 3. By that time, it had sent 14,250 notices in error.

"It's never happened before," Schuback said.

The men are almost certainly all dead, given that the youngest would be turning 117 this year. Families of those men who received the notices can simply ignore them, he said. Their files will be deactivated and they shouldn't receive additional communications from the Selective Service. The agency also posted a notice and an apology on its website Thursday.

The state Transportation Department, meanwhile, said it had taken steps to ensure its mistake won't be repeated.

"We're really sorry," McNight said. "We apologize."

Thursday, July 10, 2014


Little Mohammad was new in town and entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Missouri now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Missouri and now my name is Kevin."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.

"Well Miss, shortly after becoming a Missourian, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."


A man’s last name stays put.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

Men can never be pregnant.

Men do not have periods.

Men can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Men do not have to wear any shirt to a water park.

Auto shop mechanics tell men the truth.

Men can pee anywhere.

Men never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

Men don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress: $5,000. Tux rental: $100.

People never stare at a man’s chest when they're talking to him.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle a man’s feet.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Men know stuff about tanks, guns, tools, football and NASCAR.

Men can read Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler magazines.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Men can open all their own jars.

If someone forgets to invite a man to a party, he or she can still be his friend.

Men’s underwear are $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Everything on a man’s face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can play with toys no matter how old they are.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

Men can wear shorts no matter how their legs look.

Men can 'do' their nails with a pocket knife.

Men have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Men can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.


A man wanting to visit his son went through the wrong door in Chicago’s Cook County jail and was trapped inside an unused visiting room for 31 hours before breaking a sprinkler head which led firefighters to his ‘cell’

At 6 p.m. Saturday, a man entered Chicago’s Cook County jail to visit his son who had been locked up for 13 months while awaiting trial for a drug offense. His son had been moved to a different part of the jail. Being unfamiliar with the new location, the man went through an open door that closed behind him. He couldn’t get the door back open and found himself trapped in an unused high-security visiting room that had been undergoing some construction. No one heard him pounding on the locked door. Out of desperation he broke off a sprinkler head which led firefighters to find him at 1 a.m. Monday, some 31 hours after his ordeal began.

From the Chicago Tribune:

[According to Cara Smith, the jail’s executive director] His son, who has been there for about 13 months, had been moved to a different area, a tier for “workers” that the man wasn’t familiar with.

“He was told to proceed ahead and stay to the right to go to the visitor area,’’ Smith said. “He encountered a door that was propped open and he went in and the door shut behind him.’’

He was locked in the room, where people visit the “highest classification,’’ super-maximum security prisoners for 31 hours.

“There’s no reason to check on that room because it’s not used on the weekends,’’ Smith said. He was pounding on the concrete door but no one could hear him, she said. No prisoners were in the room or anywhere near him.

The room is a visiting area that contractors were working on, installing cameras, “incredibly, for better security, ‘’ Smith said.

The room contains three stools, and three glass partitions separating visitors from the prisoners.

“Brilliantly, he broke the sprinkler head off which alerted the fire department so they were able to identify where it was coming from and they went in and found him,” Smith said.

The man was taken to Rush University Medical Center where he received several stitches on one of his thumbs which he injured while breaking off the sprinkler head. Smith met him at the hospital at 3 a.m. and took him back to the jail parking lot so he could pick up his car.


Google executive Forrest Hayes died aboard his yacht in Santa Cruz, California last November after a high-priced prostitute injected him with a dose of heroin

Here is an excerpt from Forrest Hayes’ obituary:

Forrest will be remembered above all as a loving husband and father. More than anything else he enjoyed spending time with his family at home and on his boat.

Well, not exactly. It appears that the dear departed Forrest enjoyed spending time on his boat with a prostitute more than with his family.

Alix Catherine Tichelman, 26, a high-priced call girl, was arrested Friday by Santa Cruz cops and charged with second-degree murder [for the death of Hayes], destruction of evidence and transporting and providing narcotics. She is roosting in the Santa Cruz County jail with bail set at $1.5 million.

Here is the real skinny on the late loving husband. It seems as though Mr. Hayes connected with Alix through the online website. They got together several times before the night of last November 26. That night, on his 50-foot yacht Escape, Alix injected Forrest with a dose of heroin. He got a bad reaction from the drug and crapped out. Surveillance video from inside the yacht shows Alix calmly stepping over Forrest’s body, finishing a glass of wine, and drawing the cabin blinds shut. Then she abandoned ship, leaving the victim sprawled toes up.

The Santa Cruz cops began a lengthy and fastidious investigation which zeroed in on the now incarcerated Alix. Evidence linking her to Forrest’s death was obtained through the video and fingerprints on the wine glass.

By now, Alix was living in Folsom. A Santa Cruz investigator lured her back by pretending to be a wealthy client who wanted to pay her more than $1,000 for sex. Alix agreed to meet him on July 4 at an unnamed Santa Cruz County luxury hotel, and that’s when the cops busted her.

We all know that most obituaries are embellished. When one of my fellow nature center volunteers croaked, his wife submitted a very, very long obituary which made it appear as though her departed spouse could walk on water. Actually, he was an asshole who went out of his way to aggravate all those around him. We all despised him.

The obituary for Forrest Hayes would have been much more accurate had it stated: More than anything else he enjoyed spending time with a prostitute on his boat.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


Bill Hillmann got gored twice in his right thigh during this year’s third running of the bulls

BarkGrowlBite | July 9, 2014

The running of the bulls during the festival of San Fermín is held annually in Pamplona, Spain. Those brave of heart and short of brains run ahead of some rampaging bulls down a narrow street for about half a mile from the bull pens to the Pamplona bull ring.

Recently Bill Hillmann, 32, an American from Chicago, wrote and published HOW TO SURVIVE THE BULLS OF PAMPLONA together with three co-authors, including John Hemingway. John is the grandson of the great novelist Ernest Hemingway who popularized the running of the bulls with his book, “The Sun Also Rises.”

Bill Hillmann considers himself an expert on running with the bulls because he has been doing it every year for a decade. But this year, during the third running of the bulls, our expert – oops - tripped and got gored twice in his right thigh. He is recovering in a hospital.

It looks like Bill is going to have to write a sequel entitled, HOW TO SURVIVE A GORING BY THE BULLS OF PAMPLONA.

Or better yet, Bill and his co-authors should consider revising HOW TO SURVIVE THE BULLS OF PAMPLONA. They should make it a one-page book with the page reading in bold large letters: Do not run with the bulls of Pamplona!

Monday, July 7, 2014


BarkGrowlBite | July 7, 2014

It seems the do-gooders were all wet when they kept warning me my beer drinking was bad for me.

Beer is being hailed for its health benefits and vitamin levels and might help prevent Alzheimer’s

By Laura Bond

Daily Mail
July 5, 2014

Amid warnings that we should avoid soft drinks and fruit juice due to their high sugar content, some experts have suggested we drink only milk or water.

But another, rather unlikely low-sugar beverage is increasingly being hailed for its health benefits: beer.

Research suggests it can help protect against Alzheimer’s disease, aid weight loss and even balance hormones – and now it’s attracting more and more health-conscious men and women.

A raft of female celebrities are also embracing the brew.

Actress Mila Kunis says her favourite drink is Blue Moon beer, while supermodel Elle Macpherson revealed recently that she washes her hair with it.

Even saintly Hollywood star Gwyneth Paltrow has said she ‘can’t get enough of Guinness’.

So what are the benefits of beer, and can it really be good for you?

A vitamin-packed pint

‘If you analysed beer you would be amazed at how many super-nutrients there are in it,’ says Dr Stephan Domenig, medical director of The Original F.X. Mayr Health Centre in Austria. ‘Beer contains all of the essential – and many of the non-essential – amino acids.’

As well as these protein-building blocks and minerals including phosphorus, iodine, magnesium and potassium, beer is rich in calcium so could benefit your bones.

A study by Tufts University in the United States in 2009 found that moderate beer consumption can protect bone mineral density.

For years Guinness was even prescribed to pregnant women due to its high Vitamin B content. ‘It’s now recommended that pregnant women avoid alcohol but other people could benefit,’ says nutritionist Vicki Edgson.

Choose unpasteurised beer for the greatest health benefits. Pasteurising, or heating to prolong its shelf-life, reduces some nutritional value as the ‘living’ content is removed, says Georgina Young, head brewer at Fuller’s. And cloudy beer is best as filtering removes the yeast and therefore a lot of B vitamins.

Banish the belly

While high in vitamins, beer is actually low in sugar, high levels of which have been linked to diabetes and obesity.

While a can of Coke contains seven teaspoons and an orange juice six, half a pint of beer contains just over one.

‘Compared with soft drinks, it will give less of a blood sugar spike,’ says nutritionist Dr Kathryn O’Sullivan, who last year carried out a scientific review of beer. ‘Beer is about 93 per cent water so it’s quite hydrating.’

In fact, moderate beer consumption may even help prevent diabetes. A 2010 study of more than 38,000 men in the US found that when men who rarely drank beer increased their consumption to one or two glasses a day, after four years their risk of type 2 diabetes fell by 25 per cent.

And despite the threat of a so-called ‘beer belly’, a study of nearly 2,000 regular beer drinkers by the University of London concluded it’s unlikely that moderate intake is associated with large weight gain.

‘Drinking beer increases the production of bile, which helps us to digest fatty food,’ says Dr Domenig. Beer is a rich source of fibre – two glasses provide between ten and 30 per cent of our recommended requirement. Fibre is known to help keep us full and ward off hunger.

Stave off disease

Although beer drinking is usually associated with brain fog, research suggests it might help prevent Alzheimer’s. The disease, which affects almost 500,000 people in the UK, has been linked to high levels of aluminium, but the silicon in beer may offset the damage.

A 2008 study published in the journal Food And Chemical Toxicology found the silicon was able to reduce aluminium uptake in the digestive tract and slow the accumulation of the metal in the body and brain tissue. But beware of overdoing it: a University College London study warned that men drinking more than two pints a day could suffer memory loss.

Beer could also help heart health. A 2013 study at Harokopio University in Athens found it boosted the flexibility of the arteries. Scientists measured the cardiovascular health of non-smoking men under 35 two hours after drinking 400ml of beer and compared that with drinking vodka or alcohol-free beer. While all three drinks had some beneficial effect on the stiffness of arteries, beer had the greatest benefit.

Beer can raise good cholesterol too. ‘The main component that helps protect the heart is alcohol, which raises “good” HDL-cholesterol and has other benefits,’ says Dr R. Curtis Ellison, professor of medicine and public health at the Boston University School of Medicine.

However, that’s not a licence to binge. ‘Large amounts of alcohol may cause disease of the heart muscle,’ warns Dr Ellison.

Be beer-tiful

While red wine is known for containing the anti-ageing plant compound resveratrol, beer drinkers also get skin-boosting benefits. Made from barley, beer is rich in ferulic acid, a potent antioxidant shown to protect skin from sun damage. This is also found in tomatoes, sweetcorn and rice bran, but research from Guy’s Hospital in London in 2000 suggests beer contains a more absorbable form. Men given low-alcohol beer absorbed all the ferulic acid present against just 25 per cent absorbed from tomatoes. Studies indicate that darker beers pack a stronger antioxidant punch.

Though it’s not just drinking beer that health fans love. Catherine Zeta-Jones uses it as conditioner, saying: ‘I smell like the bottom of a beer barrel for days afterwards but it’s very good for the hair.’

‘The hops in beer contain silica which adds lustre, increases volume and fortifies the hair from within,’ says Janey Lee Grace, author of Look Great Naturally... Without Ditching The Lipstick.

To condition the hair using beer, she recommends first boiling the liquid to remove alcohol, which can strip hair of natural oils, then mixing it with extra virgin coconut oil.

Boost your libido

It may not be ‘beer goggles’ getting people in the mood – the hops in beer are said to have aphrodisiac-like qualities. ‘Hops are a wonderful relaxant,’ says Dr Marion Gluck, an expert in hormonal imbalances. ‘And you don’t need much to get the benefits,’ she adds. Research shows that the phytoestrogen from hops – oestrogen-like compounds found in plant foods – may help reduce hot flushes, low libido and other symptoms associated with menopause.

Beer may help balance hormones in cases of polycystic ovary syndrome, endometriosis and perimenopause, according to Vicki Edgson.

‘The phytoestrogens help to regulate either hormone deficiencies or excess oestrogen,’ she says, advising that ‘half a pint once or twice a week would be ample to have an effect’. Edgson emphasises it does not work for everyone, though. ‘It should be tried in moderation initially to see whether symptoms are relieved.’


More than 60 people were shot during the July Fourth weekend, and more than 1,100 have been shot in Chicago since January 1

BarkGrowlBite | July 7, 2014

The City of Chicago has some of the strictest gun control laws in this country. That hasn’t stopped the criminals and gangbangers from shooting up the city. During the July Fourth weekend (Friday through Sunday), more than 60 people were shot, with at least nine killed. At least 14 people were shot during one 12 hour overnight period.

Since January 1, more than 1,100 people have been shot in Chicago.

So how is that strict gun control working out for Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s Chicago? Very well indeed! The crooks and gangbangers are controlling the guns. The only problem is that with only nine killed out of 60 people shot, the shooters are badly in need of some serious practice time at shooting ranges.

UPDATE: The latest figures for the City of Chicago show that between 4 p.m. Thursday and 3:30 a.m. Monday, a total of 82 people were shot with 14 of them killed.

Sunday, July 6, 2014


BarkGrowlBite | July 6, 2014

In his book “On Politics: A Carnival of Buncombe” which was published in 1920, H. L. Mencken wrote:

The Presidency tends, year by year, to go to such men [who can most adeptly disperse the notions that his mind is a virtual vacuum]. As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

By golly, it sure looks like the prediction of that renowned essayist and satirist has finally come about. Jimmy Carter came close, but it took Barack Obama to fulfill Mencken’s prediction.

Thursday, July 3, 2014


PetroChina 中国石油 bought out Exxon Mobil, the last American Fortune 500 company not already owned by Chinese corporations.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

The Governor has signed a bill designating the Cuban flag as the official state flag of Floruba, formerly known as Florida.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by the Islamic Caliphate. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States ..

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines and election officials with ballot counting.


An old backwoods farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning ‘til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

The farmer replied, 'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'


Luz Avilla pulled over when she was sure she would be locked up in Caddo County and not in the Grady County jail

BarkGrowlBite | July 3, 2014

I hate to think what the conditions are like in the Grady County jail to cause this woman to flee at speeds of 90 to 100 mph until she crossed the county line.

She told the cops she did not want to pull over because she wanted to go to jail in Caddo County
June 30, 2014

CHICKASHA, Oklahoma -- An Oklahoma woman leads officers on a high speed chase by swerving all over the road and it was all caught on camera.

Luz Avilla, 34, told Chickasha Police she didn't stop because she had a preference as to which county jail she wanted to go to.

Dash cam video shows a car traveling about 5-10 miles over the speed limit, but what happens as the officer pulls out after the vehicle, is when things really start to get out of hand.

"Instead of pulling over, the driver accelerated to speeds approximately 90 to 100 miles per hour," said Shannon McClain, Chickasha Police. "When you're doing 90 miles an hour and you're weaving all over the road, just the slightest movements by those other vehicles could be catastrophe."

Just a few miles from the county line, the driver pulled over and told the officer why she took off.

"Apparently the driver did not want to go to jail in Grady County," said McClain. "She wanted to go to jail in Caddo County was her explanation as to why she did not pull over."

Avilla may have stopped the car, but she didn't want to get out of it. The officer yelled at the suspect to get out of the vehicle, but had no luck. He pulled out his gun.

Back up officers were called to the scene and one by one, all the suspects got out of the vehicle. Several people were taken to jail. Avila is facing several charges including DUI and eluding police.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014


A father buys a robotic lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot slaps the son. The son says, “OK, OK. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

The father asks, “What movie did you watch?”

The son says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. “OK, OK. We were watching porn.”

“What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, ”Well, he certainly is your son!” The robot slaps the mother.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014


A gun dealer at a Pennsylvania gun show demonstrated drawing a gun from a holster when - oops, a really big oops – the pistol went off, wounding a woman in her thigh

BarkGrowlBite | July 1, 2014

There was a little bit of excitement Saturday at the fairgrounds in Bloomsburg, Pa. A woman got shot by a gun dealer at the Eagle Arms Gun Show which was taking place at the fairgrounds.

Geoffrey Hawk, 44, of Warminster, Pa., was demonstrating how to draw a gun from one of the holsters he was attempting to sell. When he drew the gun out of the holster – kapow – it went off. Unfortunately for Krista Gearhart, 25, she got shot in the thigh. Fortunately for Krista, the bullet missed her arteries and thigh bone. Unfortunately for Geoffrey, he is facing a reckless endangerment charge for which he could receive a maximum sentence of two years and a $5,000 fine. .

Bloomsburg police Officer Brad Sharrow accused Hawk of displaying "gross negligence." Hawk, a licensed firearms instructor, claims he has held the same demonstration about 20 times without mishap. He thought that, unbeknownst to him, someone loaded the gun after he had set it aside unloaded while he ran background checks on several gun buyers.

Krista was taken to a hospital where she was treated and released. She says she feels sorry for Hawk and is disappointed that, because of the shooting, she was unable to purchase a Ruger she wanted.

As a firearms instructor, Geoffrey gets a flunking grade. He forgot the cardinal rule of gun safety: All guns are always loaded!