Thursday, February 27, 2014


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Monday, February 24, 2014


A man received the following text message from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess something to you to get it off my chest. I have been tapping your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I'm not getting it at home, but that's not an excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt so I had to tell you, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

Bob, anguished and feeling utterly betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, walked over to his wife and shot her dead.

A few moments later, a second text appeared on Bob’s cellphone:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", Bob, not "wife". Sorry about the fuckup.


BarkGrowlBite | February 24, 2014

I was just sent a copy of a ‘Letter to the Editor’ that was published in a Morehead City, N.C. newspaper a year ago. While the letter is for real, I’m not sure whether it is a parody written by a Republican or whether the writer is really so stupid as to believe the Constitution’s requirement that the President be a ‘natural born citizen’ would disqualify anyone born by C-section from holding that office. Because the letter is too well written to be authored by a stupid person, I believe that ‘PROUD TO BE A DEMOCRAT’ is actually a Republican.

Here is that letter:

Carteret County News-Times | January 23, 2013

Beaufort, N.C.
Jan. 17, 2013


Republicans and “so-called” conservatives are at it again. They are claiming that the Constitution gives people the right to have guns without the permission of the government. If that were true, then how could New York and Chicago have laws against it?

We Democrats are sick and tired of Republicans constantly using the Constitution to cover up their true plans, which are to make us all afraid of everyone else. Our great president came from a civilized part of the country where there is strict gun control, and he is only trying to bring the benefits of that more modern way of living to the rest of us. I don’t know the exact statistics, but I’m quite certain that Chicago is a lot safer than Morehead City, when it comes to gun violence.

But do Republicans and conservatives listen to the voice of reason? No, of course not. All they want to do is whine and complain about how gun control and wealth redistribution violate the Constitution, as if the Constitution were all that great, anyway. There are a lot of things that need to be changed about the Constitution, I’d say, and President Obama needs to change it.

The Republicans are just trying to stand in the way, because the president is black. They even dared to question whether he was born in this country. I think all this demonstrates that the Constitution needs to be amended when it comes to the qualifications for being president. Right now, it says that a person has to be 35 years old and be a natural born citizen. Well, that is obviously unfair because there are a great many otherwise qualified people who cannot run for president because their mothers had to have a C-section. But because the Constitution was written a hundred years ago, nobody even thought of the discrimination that would result from a doctor having to deliver a baby in this unnatural way. Now that we Democrats are in control of the government, that’s just one more thing we should change in our drive to make life fair.

Please withhold my name because I don’t want to get crank calls.


Sunday, February 23, 2014


When 84-year-old Kang Chun Wong got stopped January 19 by a NY cop for jaywalking, he did not understand the cop’s orders and was knocked unconscious, ending up bloodied in a hospital, an act that was defended by Mayor Bill de Blasio on the grounds that zero tolerance would be enforced against violators

BarkGrowlBite | February 23, 2014

On January 21, I wrote on BarkGrowlBite that it was hard for me to fathom why a very old man who does not speak English ends up bloodied in the hospital because he could not understand an officer’s orders in a jaywalking violation and tried to walk away. Now Mr. Wong, who was wrong, is suing for being wronged.

In response to the public outrage over how the police wronged Mr. Wong, Bill de Blasio, New York’s new Sandinista-loving mayor, released a statement through his office which said that because there have been too many traffic deaths, zero tolerance would be enforced against violators.

Apparently that zero tolerance does not apply to de Blasio. On Thursday, the mayor’s two-car convoy was spotted speeding 45 in a 30 mph zone in Queens and blowing through a bunch of stop signs. Less than 24 hours later, de Blasio and his security detail was seen jaywalking across Brooklyn’s busy Park Slope thoroughfare against a red ‘do not walk’ sign.

The Sandanista-loving mayor blamed it all on his NYPD security protocols. What a supreme crock of shit! Based on the mayor’s defense of the Wong beating, de Blasio should have been knocked on his sorry ass after he crossed Park Slope against the red ‘don’t walk’ sign.

Thursday, February 20, 2014


During the regular Saturday morning service at Congregation Shearith Israel, Rabbi Moishe Khosherman announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims, “If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, “If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!”

More sighs and loud applause!

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!”

There is total silence.

Rabbi Khosherman, blushing, asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, “Fuck him!”

Tuesday, February 18, 2014


Chicago police sergeant accidentally discharges gun inside cop shop

BarkGrowlBite | February 18, 2014

The Chicago Tribune reports that a police sergeant accidentally discharged his gun Monday night inside Chicago’s Central District police station.

The round went into the first floor ceiling, hitting a pipe that gushed water for two hours before it could be cut off. The ensuing downpour ruined desks and computers.

No one was injured but twelve male and three female prisoners awaiting court appearances in the station’s holding cells had to be transferred to another police station.

This is likely to cost the sergeant dearly. If I were him, I would say that I smelled something burning and since there was no sprinkler system, I decided to shoot the water pipe instead. Can anyone think of a better excuse?

Monday, February 17, 2014


Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


BarkGrowlBite | February 17, 2014

During his broadcast of Sunday’s 60 Minutes on CBS, Bob Schieffer made the following comment:

“Every time there's a bad flood or a hurricane, someone remarks it just shows that no matter how our abilities, humans can never match the power generated by mother nature. Well, I never doubted that …..”

Bob, unless you're talking about a giant meteor hitting the earth, old insignificant me has some good advice for you: Just don’t tell that to the people of Hiroshima and Nagasaki!

Monday, February 10, 2014


The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it.

The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation and appointed a special commission to report on the defective stamp. And the Democrats in Congress voted to hold a congressional investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.


BarkGrowlBite | February 10, 2014

Recently, Iran's Supreme Leader Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei urged the Muslim World to boycott anything and everything that originates with Jews.

In response, Meyer M. Treinkman, a pharmacist, out of the kindness of his Jewish heart, offered to assist the Muslims by providing them a boycott list as follows:

Any Muslim who has Syphilis must not be cured by Salvarsan discovered by a Jew, Dr. Ehrlich. He should not even try to find out whether he has Syphilis, because the Wasserman Test is the discovery of a Jew. If a Muslim suspects that he has Gonorrhea, he must not seek diagnosis, because he will be using the method of a Jew named Neissner.

A Muslim who has heart disease must not use Digitalis, a discovery by a Jew, Ludwig Traube.

Should he suffer with a toothache, he must not use Novocaine, a discovery of the Jews, Widal and Weil.

If a Muslim has Diabetes, he must not use Insulin, the result of research by Minkowsky, a Jew. If one has a headache, he must shun Pyramidon and Antypyrin, due to the Jews, Spiro and Ellege.

Muslims with convulsions must put up with them because it was a Jew, Oscar Leibreich, who proposed the use of Chloral Hydrate.

Arabs must do likewise with their psychic ailments because Freud, father of psychoanalysis, was a Jew.

Should a Muslim child get Diphtheria, he must refrain from the “Schick" reaction which was invented by the Jew, Bella Schick.

Muslims should be ready to die in great numbers and must not permit treatment of ear and brain damage, work of Jewish Nobel Prize winner, Robert Baram.

They should continue to die or remain crippled by Infantile Paralysis because the discoverer of the anti-polio vaccine is a Jew, Jonas Salk.

Muslims must refuse to use Streptomycin and continue to die of Tuberculosis because a Jew, Zalman Waxman, invented the wonder drug against this killing disease.

Muslim doctors must discard all discoveries and improvements by dermatologist Judas Sehn Benedict, or the lung specialist, Frawnkel, and of many other world renowned Jewish scientists and medical experts.

In short, good and loyal Muslims properly and fittingly should remain afflicted with Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Heart Disease, Headaches, Typhus, Diabetes, Mental Disorders, Polio, Convulsions and Tuberculosis and be proud to obey the Islamic boycott.

Oh, and by the way, Muslims should not use a cell phone to call for a doctor because the cell phone was invented in Israel by a Jewish engineer.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014


Has your dog died

Worried about the size of your penis

Found out your husband’s gay

Starting to find animals attractive

You can numb these problems temporarily with the help of booze!!

Remember: The more you drink the less you worry


For the Denver Broncos the Super Bowl became the Stupor Bowl because they were playing under the influence of pot and they didn’t even know it

BarkGrowlBite | February 5, 2014

In the days leading up to Super Bowl XLVIII much was made of the fact that the two teams that made it to the NFL championship game happened to represent the two states that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. There was a slight difference though in that the Colorado’s legalization went into effect on January 1, while Washington’s legalization does not become effective until later this year. And that difference affected the outcome of the game.

Every day since the first of the year, the NBC, CBS, ABC and Fox news channels have inundated us with coverage of Coloradoans lining up at pot shops to buy high-potency marijuana products. The TV screens showed huge grow-houses with their operators exclaiming that they could not keep up with the demand. And the buyers ranged in age from young folks to the elderly. It almost looked as if the whole fucking state of Colorado was about to toke up.

Just as with tobacco, studies have shown that bystanders can be affected by the ingestion of secondary marijuana smoke. I suspect that some of the Broncos players toked up on a few joints in the days leading up to their departure for East Rutherford, New Jersey. Unfortunately for the players who did not toke up, they could not avoid inhaling some of that dense marijuana smog which was permeating the Colorado atmosphere. Thus, for the Broncos, the Super Bowl became the Stupor Bowl.

Numerous scientific studies have shown that marijuana impairs hand-eye coordination, time and distance perception, decision making, concentration, and reaction time. Marijuana also slows down reflexes and can result in spatial disorientation.

Broncos center Manny Ramirez's first snap after the opening kickoff sailed over the head of quarterback Peyton Manning and resulted in a Broncos safety. Things only went downhill from there, ending in a 43-8 Seahawks blowout.

Poor old Manny was obviously suffering from one or a combination of problems with hand-eye coordination, distance perception or special disorientation when he made that bad snap which started rolling Denver’s fortunes downhill. The Los Angeles Times reported that Manning appeared tentative and befuddled. And if you watched the game, the rest of the team had a problem with reaction time, concentration, decision making and poor reflexes, all symptoms of being under the influence of pot.

So there you have it folks. Poor old Peyton and those of his Broncos teammates who did not toke up before the game, were nevertheless playing under the influence of pot and they didn’t even know it. Ingesting all that Colorado marijuana smog got them blown out of MetLife Stadium. Fortunately for the Seahawks, in preparing for the big game they did not have that pot smog to contend with back in Seattle.

Saturday, February 1, 2014


Our fourth grade teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too, especially chickens, pigs and cows. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now.


Former TSA officer exposes the farce of airport security screenings

BarkGrowlBite | February 1, 2014

I feel much safer now, knowing that the pilot of my flight no longer has the means to hijack the plane. And I’m sure all Americans feel much safer knowing that in the name of national security, the TSA confiscated a homecoming bottle of champagne from a young Marine who lost both legs to an I.E.D.

In his article dated January 30 in Politico Magazine, Jason Edward Harrington, a former TSA officer who worked at Chicago O'Hare International Airport from 2007-2013, says:

By day, I spent eight hours at O’Hare in a federal uniform, solemnly carrying out orders passed down from [TSA] headquarters.

I hated it from the beginning. It was a job that had me patting down the crotches of children, the elderly and even infants as part of the post-9/11 airport security show. I confiscated jars of homemade apple butter on the pretense that they could pose threats to national security. I was even required to confiscate nail clippers from airline pilots—the implied logic being that pilots could use the nail clippers to hijack the very planes they were flying.

Once, in 2008, I had to confiscate a bottle of alcohol from a group of Marines coming home from Afghanistan. It was celebration champagne intended for one of the men in the group—a young, decorated soldier. He was in a wheelchair, both legs lost to an I.E.D., and it fell to me to tell this kid who would never walk again that his homecoming champagne had to be taken away in the name of national security.

I am sure that if and when the TSA responds to what Harrington said, they will write him off as a disgruntled ex-employee.