Monday, December 30, 2013


One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

Saturday, December 28, 2013


Members of the Semitic cabal that controls all the world’s money express concern that they held back local man Jeff Crawford a little too much on Wednesday

The Onion | December 12, 2013

JEWISH CABAL HEADQUARTERS, JERUSALEM — Saying that they never intended to behave quite so mercilessly, several prominent architects of the global Jewish conspiracy aired their concerns Thursday that they perhaps came down a little too hard on local man Jeff Crawford yesterday.

The Zionist leaders within the international political, banking, and entertainment spheres who together dictate the world’s economy, media, and political structures told reporters that they regretted wielding their enormous influence in order to hinder the unemployed 42-year-old roofer at every turn throughout Wednesday, agreeing that their combined efforts to systematically impede the non-Jewish man’s financial stability, happiness, and general well-being were “a bit much.”

“While it is generally in our best interest to frustrate hardworking Anglo-Saxon Protestants like Jeff at every turn with our extreme wealth and power, I think we definitely went a little overboard on the guy yesterday,” financier Julian Rothschild told reporters from deep within the Semitic cabal’s secret underground headquarters five miles beneath Jerusalem. “Sometimes you just get so caught up in the fervor of working with every Jewish man, woman, and child to prevent the world’s gentiles from ever achieving success that you take things a little too far, and that’s exactly what happened with Jeff yesterday.”

“Everyone feels just awful about it,” Rothschild added.

As characterized by numerous organizers of the massive conspiracy—including Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, banker Paul Warburg III, and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke—Wednesday’s attacks on Crawford were “a bit unfair” to the father of three and lifelong Methodist. Specifically, the conspirators pointed to instances yesterday in which Crawford was fired from a contracting job, had the interest rate on his mortgage raised, and was given false traffic updates by a Jewish-owned radio station, calling these episodes gratuitous and “way over the top, even for us.”

Moreover, members expressed contrition over having ensured that Crawford’s recent loan application with Citibank was rejected yesterday, saying that, other than not being born of the Chosen People, Crawford had done nothing to deserve such harsh persecution.

“We were originally just going to raise the cost of his health care premiums and maybe mess with his credit score a little, but things quickly spiraled out of control,” said noted Elder of Zion Abraham Meyersicht, 102, saying that yesterday’s abuses were all the more excessive in light of the fact that Hollywood’s Jewish overseers had canceled Crawford’s favorite television show earlier this year. “And that thing where we had the police pull him over and give him a huge ticket after we sent a guy to knock out one of his taillights was just adding insult to injury.”

“Jeff is basically a good guy who is just trying to make it in a world being viciously controlled by money-hungry Jews such as myself,” Meyersicht continued. “He didn’t deserve that.”

Given the inordinate trials and tribulations suffered by Crawford over the course of the past 24 hours, several of the global conspirators said that the outright viciousness of their behavior has forced them to reconsider their future plans of adding bogus arrests to the goy’s criminal record, having the city seize his home through eminent domain, and ensuring that his children are denied admission into college.

Indeed, many members of the international Jewish syndicate confirmed that their excessive mistreatment of Crawford has caused them to rethink their overall approach to stymieing the progress of the world’s non-Jews at every opportunity.

“Sure, we control all the wealth and politicians and media outlets and motion picture production studios and courts of law and military arsenals and weather patterns in the world, but that doesn’t mean we need to be so completely cruel in our efforts to ensure that the Jewish people remain atop the social ladder for all eternity,” said Rothschild. “Just mainly cruel should suffice.”

Rothschild added that he and his fellow Jewish collaborators would do their best to make it up to Crawford in the future, but added that they were all going to be pretty busy perpetuating the myth of the Holocaust over the course of the next few months.

Friday, December 27, 2013


Hitler says they can't blame Bush for the cancellation of his insurance and the loss of his doctor, so he blames Ted Cruz.

Thursday, December 26, 2013


Grinch cops stole Texas pot entrepreneur's Christmas

BarkGrowlBite | December 26, 2013

Craiglist ad: 420 Connection!! High! Sunny today. I'm here for those looking for the budz , so kind, so green! I'm always Cali-style, fast, easy, friendly and central. Sweet smokie for those reg tokers.

The Austin cops were impressed by the ad. They traced it to 41-year-old Corey Lynn Plumlee and agreed to pay him $220 for a half ounce of pot. Plumlee then met with an undercover cop Monday and they made the transaction. Then a couple of other cops showed up and busted the pot entrepreneur, charging him with delivery of marijuana.

For poor ole Mr. Plumlee, those Austin cops were the Grinch that stole Christmas.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013


A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

Reluctantly he takes the beer back and they carry on shopping. A few minutes later in aisle 5, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him flat on his back on the floor in Aisle 5.


BarkGrowlBite | December 25, 2013

A New Jersey woman arrested for DUI phones a friend to pick her up at the police station. The friend also gets busted for DUI and both call another friend to pick them up. That friend gets busted for DUI as well. One can only describe the three as dumb, dumber and dumbest.


Hunterdon County Democrat
December 20, 2013

READINGTON TOWNSHIP, N.J. — The arrest of a local woman here on drunken driving charges led to the arrest of both people who went to pick her up at the police station for the same offense, police reported Thursday. Police gave the following account:

The vehicle stop that eventually resulted in three arrests took place Monday, Dec. 16, around 1:45 a.m., when Patrolman Patrick Brown stopped a car for swerving on Route 22 east at Route 523. The vehicle was driven by Carmen Reategui, 34, of Whitehouse Station.

Brown had Reategui perform a series of standardized field sobriety tests, which she failed, police said. Reategui was arrested and taken to headquarters for processing. She ended up charged with driving while under the influence of alcohol, failure to stay in her lane and failure to provide a vehicle insurance card.

Reatequi then called Nina Petracca, 23, of Dunellen for a ride. Once Petracca arrived at the station, Patrolman Peter Serrone started explaining the potential liability form to her.

Petracca said she had driven to headquarters and Serrone noticed that Petracca displayed signs of intoxication so he had her do sobriety tests in the lobby of the building and she failed. Petracca was arrested on a DUI charge and a later search of her purse revealed seven Vicodin in an unlabeled container, police said. She was then also charged with possession of Vicodin and driving while in possession of a controlled dangerous substance.

Later both drivers called Ryan Hogan, 33, of Whitehouse Station for a ride. Once he arrived at the station, Sgt. Carlos Ferreiro asked him how he arrived, and he stated that he drove. As the officer explained the potential liability form to Hogan, Ferreiro detected the odor of alcohol coming from him and noticed that he, too, appeared to be drunk, police said.

After Hogan failed sobriety tests, he was also charged with DWI. All three drivers were later released to a sober adult, police reported. They are set to appear in court in January.


Phoenix goalie scores Buffalo’s game-winning goal on himself when he backs into the goal with the puck stuck in the back of his pants

BarkGrowlBite | December 25, 2013

In Monday night’s ice hockey game between the Buffalo Sabres and Phoenix Coyotes, the game went into overtime with the score tied at one apiece. With only a little over a minute remaining in the five-minute overtime period, Buffalo players attacked the Phoenix goal. Coyote goalie Mike Smith came out of his goal crease to block a shot by Mark Pysyk of the Sabres.

Pysyk’s shot rebounded up into the air. Smith, having lost sight of the puck, turned around and headed back to the goal when the puck came down and landed in the back of his pants. Not knowing where the puck was, Smith spun around and backed into the goal preparing to defend it in case Buffalo got the puck back.

Unfortunately for Smith, by backing into the goal with the puck stuck in his pants, he scored on himself. Some are calling it a buttgoal. Whatever you want to call it, that goal ended the game with last place Buffalo winning for only the 10th time in 37 games so far this season.

As an avid ice hockey fan I’ve watched hundreds of games. Of course, goalies get scored on all the time and I’ve seen some unusual goals over the years. But this one by Mike Smith has got to be the most unusual goal of the year, if not of all time.

Monday, December 23, 2013


Back when blacks were still segregated in the South, a US Navy cruiser anchored in Gulfport, Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young Southern ladies. I have just one more request: No Jews please.”

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Purdue University."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both physics and chemistry from Stanford University and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Minnesota and his medical degree is from the University of Pennsylvania. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer and the other ladies in her social circle would be insanely jealous.

At precisely 8:00 p.m. on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer, Captain Goldberg never makes any mistakes."

Saturday, December 21, 2013


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."


"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of peckers are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his pecker is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead and the balls are just ornaments."

Thursday, December 19, 2013


The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie, Scotland and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5,000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her lawyer. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!


Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does any one want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Friday, December 13, 2013


The Onion | December 13, 2013

DUBLIN, OH—After accounting for the cost of tuition, four years of lost earning potential, and the minimal increase in salary an undergraduate degree provides, 30-year-old local man Patrick Moorhouse has, at this point in his life, earned $11 more than he would have had he not attended college at all, an independent study confirmed today.

“All told, Patrick’s B.A. in Political Science translates to about $5,000 more in annual wages, but when you account for his student loan payments, including his 6 percent interest rate, his degree from a respected four-year university amounts to slightly more than 10 extra bucks in his wallet,” said researcher Ken Overton, adding that had Moorhouse been accepted to his more prestigious first-choice college, his earnings would have totaled $54 more than if he had never enrolled in higher education. “If Patrick had started working straight out of high school, he would have had slightly fewer job options than he does now, but living at home instead of a dorm or student apartment even just those first two years would have added at least $16,000 in total savings, which pretty much evens things out. All in all, the countless hours Patrick spent stressing about getting into school and then working hard to succeed in college have been more or less a financial wash.”

The study noted, however, that one cannot ever truly put a price on the 12 Post-WWII European History lectures Moorhouse attended junior year.

Thursday, December 12, 2013


Fresh from her shower, Betty stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband Bob that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, Betty fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replied.

She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Bob is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013


The burglars scaled the outside brick wall like a human fly and entered through a kitchen window, then left the same way

BarkGrowlBite | December 11, 2013

The gang emptied the apartment’s refrigerator and trashed the kitchen as they ate most of the food. They also emptied cabinets and drawers, tore up beds and made off with blankets, bed sheets and curtains. One burglar also stole a giant teddy bear. All but one of the thieves did not bother to hide their faces in front of witnesses, the lone exception being one burglar who disguised himself by hiding under one of the curtains as they made their getaway.

There were many witnesses to this crime but they could do nothing because the apartment’s occupants were away at the time. The intruders spent about 30 minutes inside the apartment. Witnesses reported that after they fled the apartment, some of the burglars played with the teddy bear like kids play with a doll. The witnesses also reported that they groomed the teddy bear like a monkey.

After interviewing a number of witnesses, the police now know that the bold burglars were members of the city’s notorious Chacma Gang.

Oh, I forgot to mention that this brazen crime took place recently in Cape Town, South Africa and that the burglars have been identified as a troop of chacma baboons. It turns out that home intrusions by baboons and other monkeys are quite common in South Africa.

Sunday, December 8, 2013


BarkGrowlBite | December 8, 2013

A lady in in Lovejoy, Georgia drove to a local Wendy’s November 1 and ordered a take-out cheeseburger. When she got home, she sat down to eat her burger. At first bite, she smelled a strange odor. She removed the bun off the top of the burger and, to her shocking surprise, discovered a partially smoked blunt on the patty. (For the uninitiated, a blunt is marijuana packed into a hollowed-out cigar.)

After investigating the case of the Potcheeseburger, the Lovejoy cops busted 32-year-old Wendy's employee Amy Elizabeth Seiber and charged her with possession of pot. Seiber admitted the blunt was hers. Wendy’s fired her for serving the new specialty of the house.


On the 20 the anniversary of the Long Island Rail Road massacre this is a reminder that Colin Ferguson, the convicted shooter, will become eligible for parole on August 6, 2309

BarkGrowlBite | December 8, 2013

On December 7, 1993, Colin Ferguson shot six passengers to death and wounded 19 others on a Long Island Rail Road commuter train before he was tackled by three other passengers.

Ferguson acted as his own lawyer during his trial. It doesn’t look as though he defended himself very well. He was sentenced to six consecutive terms of 25 years to life and 50 years for 19 attempted murders.

Ferguson, now 55, is presently serving his sentence of 315 years and 8 months to life at New York’s Upstate Correctional Facility near the Canadian border.

Ferguson will become eligible for parole on August 6, 2309. Please be sure to mark this date on your calendars so that you can write a letter protesting his release on parole to:

New York State Board of Parole
1220 Washington Ave, Building 2
Albany, New York 12226-2050

Although Ferguson has not been a model prisoner – he’s been disciplined for failure to obey orders, violent conduct, harassment, unhygienic acts and rioting – you never know what a parole board might do.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


By Adolf der Schweinehund

I received the following facts from a reader. True or not, here they are with my comments added:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it! I already have 2 bombs)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay! That’s a good thing!!)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Monday, December 2, 2013


Animal rights group asks court to declare a chimpanzee is "a cognitively complex autonomous legal person with the fundamental legal right not to be imprisoned"

No, this is not from The Onion, it’s for real. And I’m one with my cousins, the chimps.


December 2, 2013

An animal rights group on Monday filed what it said is the first lawsuit seeking to establish the "legal personhood" of chimpanzees.

The non-profit Nonhuman Rights Project asked a New York state court to declare a 26-year-old chimp named Tommy "a cognitively complex autonomous legal person with the fundamental legal right not to be imprisoned."

The lawsuit seeks a declaration that Tommy's "detention" in a "small, dank, cement cage in a cavernous dark shed" in central New York is unlawful and demands his immediate release to a primate sanctuary.

Chimpanzees "possess complex cognitive abilities that are so strictly protected when they're found in human beings," Steven Wise, the president of Nonhuman Rights Project, told Reuters.

"There's no reason why they should not be protected when they're found in chimpanzees," he added.

The lawsuit on Tommy's behalf is among three the group is filing this week on behalf of four chimps across New York. The other chimps are Kiko, a 26-year-old chimp living on a private property in Niagara Falls, and Hercules and Leo, two young male chimps used in research at Stony Brook University on Long Island, the group said.

Tommy's owners, Patrick and Diane Lavery, and Stony university did not immediately return requests for comment. Kiko's owners could not be reached on Monday.

The Nonhuman Rights Project used its own research to find the chimps, and Wise first visited Tommy in October after reading a local newspaper article about exotic animals kept at the Laverys' used trailer lot in Gloversville, N.Y., about 50 miles northwest of Albany.

"He looked terrible," said Wise, who previously observed healthy, wild chimps in Uganda. "Hey looked like a caged chimpanzee - they don't move, they don't look at you. They look depressed."

The lawsuit states that chimps are entitled to a "fundamental right to bodily liberty," which Wise told Reuters is the basic right to be left alone and not held for entertainment or research.

The lawsuit was filed at "the earliest point at which we have some reasonable chance at winning," said Wise, a well-known animal rights activist and author of books including the 2000 title "Rattling the Cage: Toward Legal Rights for Animals."

"These are the first cases in an open-ended, strategic litigation campaign," he said. "We're just going to keep filing suits."

Nonhuman Rights Project in 2007 began a nationwide search for an optimal venue to file the lawsuits, Wise said. New York was ultimately chosen because of its generally flexible view of requests for a writ of habeas corpus, the centuries-old right in English law to challenge unlawful detention, he said.

David Favre, a professor at Michigan State University College of Law and an expert on animal law, said it is the first habeas petition filed on behalf of an animal.

"The focus here is whether a chimpanzee is a 'person' that has access to these laws," said Favre.

The lawsuits come as medical authorities re-examine the employment of chimpanzees in research in light of new technology that renders the use of chimpanzees less necessary.

In a decision applauded by animal rights groups, the U.S. National Institutes of Health in January said it was reducing its use of chimps in biomedical research, retiring most to sanctuaries. At the time, NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins called chimps "very special animals" that deserve "special consideration."


The Onion | December 2, 2013

NEW YORK—In a riveting, if slightly far-fetched, work of alternate history that fans of science fiction are bound to enjoy, author Judith Nies’ novel Native American History: A Chronology Of The Vast Achievements Of A Culture And Their Links To World Events imagines a strange fictional world where, prior to its 15th-century colonization by Europeans, North America was actually inhabited by millions of indigenous peoples.

“Numerous Paleoamerican groups inhabited vast expanses of land along modern-day Canada and the United States as early as 1400 C.E., including what would later become the Navajo, Iroquois, Cherokee, and Ojibwe peoples,” reads an excerpt from Nies’ wildly bizarre science-fiction tale, positing a sweeping alternate reality in which vast tribes of “Native Americans”—each fleshed out with their own names, rich cultural backstories, and even strange foreign languages invented by the author—roamed the Americas for thousands of years before any European explorers set foot on the continent. “These indigenous populations eventually established successful dryland farming practices, allowing for the cultivation of crops in the arid midwest and corn-based agriculture from Mesoamerica. Other tribes, however, lived as nomads, utilizing hunting and gathering methods to survive off the likes of buffalo, elk, deer, and antelope.”

Sources confirmed that science-fiction fans are sure to be especially thrilled by the shocking conclusion to Nies’ expansive sci-fi tale, in which settlers from Europe, upon reaching America, massacre and drastically marginalize these native inhabitants over the next several centuries.

Sunday, December 1, 2013


The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with humility, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."