Wednesday, October 30, 2013


'There's only one thing left to do now ... Let's find a way to blame Bush'

Monday, October 28, 2013


Two young men appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first man, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second man. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole now.’ And then I pointed to the big circle and said, ‘This is your asshole after you've been in prison awhile.'

Saturday, October 26, 2013


For those who haven't bothered to pay attention, Washington State recently passed two new laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 (New International Version) says:

__“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them shall be stoned.”

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!


A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar; stinking of whiskey, cigarettes and stale beer His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying off the Attack Carrier Oriskany back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered at the old man. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?", the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

Thursday, October 24, 2013


A pastor and his wife invited a couple of longtime church members to their home for dinner. The couple were in their 90s and had been married for almost 70 years. It became obvious to the pastor’s wife that the old couple were still very much in love because the wife preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Angel, etc.

While the husband was in the living room, the pastor’s wife leaned over to the old woman and said, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.”

The old woman hung her head. “I have to tell you the truth,” she said. “His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.”

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


Civil rights leaders demand name change to ‘Schwarzmacht’ and call for boycott of studios that produced movies featuring the former governor

By Adolf der Schweinehund

LOS ANGELES -- In a joint press conference, NAACP president Ben Jealous, MSNBC talk show host Al Sharpton and Rainbow PUSH president Jesse Jackson demanded that film star and former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger change his name and called for a boycott of his movies and the studios that produced them until he complies with their demands.

Jealous said that a good number of NAACP members called for the name change in reaction to Sharpton’s MSNBC broadcast in which he told his audience that Schwarzeneeger’s name translated into English spelled ‘Black Nigger.’

“If the name ‘Washington Redskins’ is offensive to Native Americans, then ‘Black Nigger’ is doubly offensive to African Americans,” said Jealous. “We don’t care how long his family has had that name, it is high time for the former governor to set things right by changing his offensive name. We suggest he change his last name to ‘Schwarz’.”

“I was flabbergasted when one of my listeners contacted me and told me what the former governor’s mane actually meant,” said Sharpton. “I can’t think of a more offensive name. Every African-American should be outraged that such a prominent public figure carries such a racially vile name. My suggestion is for him to change his name to “Schwarzmacht’ [Black Power]. I am now calling for all Americans of good will to boycott his movies and the movies of studios that produced them until Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes Arnold Schwarzmacht. I intend to lead demonstrations in Hollywood this weekend to demand the name change.”

Jealous interjected, "Schwarzmacht, I like that even better."

“Al, this is one of your best suggestions ever, I mean the name Schwarzmacht,” said Jackson. “I will be joining you this weekend in Hollywood and I want to assure both you and Ben [Jealous] that operation Rainbow PUSH will call on all of its chapters to demand the name change and to ask all Americans to join in a boycott of the movie studios. The name ‘Black Nigger’ is sickening, demeaning, highly offensive and absolutely unacceptable to African-Americans. The name ‘Washington Redskins’ pales when compared to Schwarzenegger. We are all gratified that you exposed the true meaning of his name.”

The Unconventional Gazette contacted Gov. Schwarzenegger, his ex-wife Maria Shriver and White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to get their reaction to the civil rights leaders’ demands.

“You’ve gotta be kidding,” the former governor said. “I’ve got no further comment.”

“I must admit that I was never comfortable with that name, but it never occurred to me that it was an offensive racial slur,” said Shriver. “I would have never married Arnie had I known that. I am instructing my lawyers to immediately petition the court to change the names of our children - Patrick, Katherine, Christopher and Christina - from Schwarzenegger to Shriver.”

“President Obama has authorized me to release the following statement,” said Carney. “If I had a name — even if it had a storied history — that was offending a sizeable group of people, I’d think about changing it. It’s the same suggestion I made to the owner of the Washington Redskins.”

Saturday, October 12, 2013


The first lady reveals in the new issue of Marie Claire that erotic role playing has helped the couple’s sex life tremendously; ‘I’m just enjoying this flood of hot, hungry sex with my husband’

The Onion | October 9, 2013

WASHINGTON—Sitting down for a candid interview with Marie Claire magazine last Thursday, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly opened up about her marriage to President Barack Obama, saying that their sex life “has never been more open, more experimental, or more generous.”

The first lady spoke at length with Marie Claire about the couple’s resurgent love life, revealing that after years of humdrum intimacy, a recent spike in the frequency and intensity of their lovemaking has resulted in the most satisfying and adventurous sex she has ever known.

“We’ve never been this talkative in bed,” the first lady said, adding that the couple has recently enjoyed a “raw hunger for each other” that’s amounted to “some of the most intense—desperate, even—sex [she’s] ever had.” “We’d been treading water for a while there, just going through the motions, but then something clicked. We just started having fun with it. Sometimes I’ll leave my heels on, and other times I’ll come out of the shower and Barack will be already lying in bed, naked.”

“We have this new rule right now—we’re not saying ‘I love you’ during sex,” Obama continued, explaining that there’s a freedom that comes with treating intercourse not like two lovers, but like two strangers who just want to “have a little fun.” “And it doesn’t have to be a big production every time. Sometimes we’ll just do oral, or we’ll only use our hands. Anything that breaks the routine.”

The first lady said that prior to attending the G20 Conference in Russia last month, President Obama suggested that they try role playing, an idea that sent the couple into a midlife sexual odyssey that included experimentation with sex toys, domination, submission play, and on one “admittedly boozy occasion,” the intimate company of a senior White House staffer.

“We’ve started playing around with choking,” the nation’s 51st first lady told Marie Claire. “And if it gets too rough, I just tell him to slow down. Slow can be really good.”

According to Obama, the couple fell into a rut during the president’s 2008 presidential run, when the stresses of the campaign turned the once passionate couple into roommates rather than lovers.

Obama said that while the two never stopped having sex, intercourse became stale, almost like a chore. And while both the president and the first lady were still having orgasms, the predictability of the sex wasn’t giving the first couple the kind of satisfaction they both craved.

“The thing is, Barack was always extremely sexual,” said Obama, sharing an anecdote when—while living in Chicago—they once found a private place in Jackson Park and had sex under a blanket. “But it was like we decided that the book was closed. We quit checking in, we let go of trying to make our sexual goals happen. For example, it had been a long time since I had a vaginal orgasm, and that used to be something that was really important to Barack—for me to get there.”

“Somewhere along the line we let that dream die, as well as the holy grail of having a simultaneous orgasm,” Obama continued. “That was upsetting. I remember I actually stopped masturbating for a while, because I started to feel like a less sexual, less desired person altogether.”

Obama noted that as a lover, the president is now 100% available emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and that he’s never been more attentive or celebratory of her body. In addition, the first lady confirmed that the president is going down on her more and that she loves it.

“We’ve been watching a lot of porn together, too, which is also a big turn-on,” Obama said. “I really like James Deen’s stuff, and fantasizing about my favorite scenes helps me get over the edge when I’m close. I don’t come every time, that’s just how it’s always been with me, but Barack’s learning not to take it out on himself when I don’t have an orgasm.”

Considering their packed schedules and grueling travel itineraries, coupled with raising two teenage daughters, the first lady said “daytime quickies in the Situation Room or the Oval are a lifesaver” and that finding out-of-the-bedroom locations has been a fun, erotic challenge.

“I surprised him on Marine One before he left for Sweden the other day, just to spice things up,” Obama said, adding that she gave him a little taste of what he’d be missing while he was gone by slipping her panties into his pocket before takeoff. “We use our time apart to rev up our engines. Barack knows I like to be bossed around, so before he went to Europe for the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership a few months ago, he said I wasn’t allowed to touch myself until he got back. That was really hot. And during this government shutdown he’s been using me as a release, and sometimes being used in bed—being treated like an object—is really sexy, you know?”

“Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint,” Obama added. “We’re riding a high right now, and I know it’ll dip again. That’s okay. That’s how it works. But for right now, I’m just enjoying this flood of hot, hungry sex with my husband.”

Friday, October 11, 2013


The Onion | October 9, 2013

WASHINGTON—Noting that the individuals in question may be extremely mentally disturbed or suffering from a serious psychological illness, the nation’s psychiatrists announced Wednesday that they are deeply concerned for the estimated 5 percent of Americans who were found in nationwide polls this week to approve of the U.S. Congress.

“With numerous members of Congress refusing to negotiate an end to the shutdown in the face of widespread federal furloughs and a looming deadline to avoid defaulting on government debt, we are extremely concerned for the mental health of those Americans who responded, ‘Yes, we think Congress is doing a good job,’” psychiatrist Dr. Donald Levin said in a press conference this morning, telling reporters that the estimated 15.5 million Americans who approve of Congress are likely “very troubled” citizens who may in fact be experiencing psychotic episodes or delusional thoughts. “We’re not entirely sure who these people are or where they come from—perhaps they are psych ward patients, or unstable recluses living in remote huts on the outskirts of society—but what we do know is that they are extremely disconnected from reality and in need of immediate attention if they are not already receiving it. We need to find these people and get them the help they need before their illnesses get worse.”

Psychiatrists added that because a number of mental health services are currently furloughed, many respondents would just have to “sit tight and hang in there” until the shutdown is resolved.


According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the snickers among the young teens).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Monday, October 7, 2013


"Negotiating with Obama is like playing chess with a pigeon. The pigeon knocks over all the pieces, shits on the board and then struts around like it won the game."

BarkGrowlBite | October 7, 2014

This little jewel has been floating through cyberspace lately. I have been unable to verify whether or not Putin actually said that. I strongly suspect that Vlad did not. However, no matter the author, it does pretty well describe how the Obama administration has been conducting America’s foreign policy.

Sunday, October 6, 2013


BarkGrowBite | October 6, 2013

Did the educated idiots who run the Los Angeles Unified School District really believe that by spending $1 billion to provide each of the district’s 650,000 students with an iPad, the devices would actually be used for studying?


Associated Press
October 5, 2013

Education officials in the nation's second-largest school district are working to reboot a $1 billion plan to put an iPad in the hands of each of their 650,000 students after an embarrassing glitch emerged when the first round of tablets went out.

Instead of solving math problems or doing English homework, as administrators envisioned, more than 300 Los Angeles Unified School District students promptly cracked the security settings and started tweeting, posting to Facebook and playing video games.

Such problems have both critics and supporters questioning whether LAUSD officials were being hasty or overreaching in their attempt to distribute iPads throughout the district's more than 1,000 campuses by next year.


Instead of charging them all sorts of fees, BancorpSouth makes a number of its customers instant trillionaires … that is until they discovered a computer glitch

BarkGrowlBite | October 6, 2013

Reggie Theus, one of the lucky BancorpSouth customers, thought about paying off the national debt with his $4 trillion windfall.


October 4, 2013

In East Texas, Reggie Theus checked his bank account as he always does, except this time there were quite a few more zeros than usual.

Theus says he had more than $4 trillion in his account. Unfortunately, it turns out the fortune was the result of an online banking glitch.

"Well, I was definitely surprised when I looked in my account and saw that much money in there," Theus said. "I looked it up and there's never been a trillionaire before. So I think technically I may be the first ever.

"I logged out and logged back in eight times just to see if it was still there, and every time it was still there," he said. "The exact same number."

The temporary trillionaire is the first in the world -- beating out Bill Gates. But for now, Theus is just a regular area director for Newk's in East Texas. So who caused the major mistake? The bank is asking Theus to Keep that to himself.

In Tupelo Miss., Bancorp South customers including Brandon Frazier, were met with the same error.

"I just got paid that morning, so I was checking to see how much my paycheck was," he said.

Frazier says he checks his bank account about three times a week sometimes on his mobile device.

"It feels awesome, I mean, laughter. It's something that doesn't happen every day, so it's a good feeling, you know, until it goes away," he said.

Frazier wasn't the only Bancorp South customer who woke up an instant trillionaire. Allie Ware, a member of a Tupelo TV news team, also saw a few extra zeros in her bank account balance.

"Well, for one second when I didn't realize that it was $4 trillion, I thought maybe for one second," she said.

But Ware says reality quickly set in after examining the matter more closely. .

"Then I saw all the zeros and just laughed because I knew that was not true," she said.

Bancorp South did realize the error and in a statement Wednesday said in part, "Online banking customers' deposit account balances reflected overstated balance totals for a short period of time this morning before being corrected. This was a system display issue and did not reflect the actual account balance available to those customers."

But that didn't stop customers from taking a moment to imagine the endless possibilities of being a trillionaire .

"First thing I thought about was giving back to the community, pay all my debts and try and make more money from winning that money, so that would be nice," Frazier said.

One costumer who found $40 trillion in her bank account in the Morning, but like the other customers, was back to normal by lunch time.

Friday, October 4, 2013


‘Or maybe Francis Ford Coppola, John Cassavetes, Tony Curtis, Dustin Hoffman, Quincy Jones, Sydney Pollack, Joe Mantegna, Liam Neeson, Tom Courtenay, Bob Balaban, or even William Hurt,’ suggests actress

The Onion | October 3, 2013

NEW YORK—Following years of speculation regarding the paternity of her 25-year-old son Ronan Farrow, who was born in 1987 during her relationship with Woody Allen, actress Mia Farrow admitted in an interview with Vanity Fair this week that her son could have actually been fathered by Frank Sinatra, Mario Puzo, George McGovern, Robert Altman, Anthony Perkins, Milton Berle, Robert Redford, Michael Caine, Danny Aiello, or Bruce Dern, or possibly even Francis Ford Coppola, John Cassavetes, Tony Curtis, Dustin Hoffman, Quincy Jones, Sydney Pollack, Joe Mantegna, Liam Neeson, John Irvin, Bob Balaban, or William Hurt.

“Even though we were only married for a few years, Frank was the love of my life, and the truth is I never really split up with him, or, for that matter, Dudley Moore, Kurt Russell, Walter Cronkite, Richard Gere, Gore Vidal, Oliver Stone, Bob Costas, Burt Bacharach, or Prince,” the 68-year-old actress and humanitarian told reporters, noting that while she was seriously involved with Allen from 1980 until 1992, she still “had never really forgotten” former flames Henry Rollins, John Malkovich, Michael Dukakis, Huey Lewis, Paul Newman, and Bill Laimbeer. “But then, of course, about a year before [Ronan was born], I had also recently reconnected with ‘Pistol’ Pete Maravich, Mikhail Gorbachev, Michael Landon, David Lynch, Jim Henson, Prince Charles, O.J. Simpson, Bruce Hornsby, Fred Rogers, Ted Turner, George Peppard, Jeffrey Dahmer, Phil Collins, Grandmaster Flash, David Duke, Gordon Lightfoot, and Greg Louganis, whom I realized I’d never really gotten over. So they’re possibilities as well.”

Family sources also reported that Ronan Farrow has spent Father’s Day the past three years with song parodist “Weird Al” Yankovic.

Thursday, October 3, 2013


BarkGrowlBite | October 3, 2013

Police from all over the country report that packs of young bikers are conducting dangerous stunts while speeding down crowded highways, weaving in and out of traffic, and taunting the cops before leaving them behind in a cloud of dust with their high-speed motorcycles, which they refer to as ‘crotch rockets.’ Seeking instant fame, these dickheads videotape themselves and post their antics on the internet.

It was one of these packs that beat up Alexian Lien on NYC’s Westside Highway. Lien was driving Saturday with his wife and 2-year-old daughter when his Range Rover accidentally struck a biker who had suddenly slowed down in front of him. He was surrounded by bikers pounding the SUV with their helmets. Fearing for his life and the safety of his family, Lien sped off, running over one of the bikers who suffered two broken legs and serious spinal injuries. When the other bikers caught up to Lien’s SUV, they yanked him out and beat him to a bloody pulp.

I have a simple solution to the shenanigans of these crotch rocket jockeys. Arrange to have a dozen or so Hells Angels meet up on the road with each of these dickhead packs wherever they show up. The resulting confrontations won’t be pretty, but I guarantee you that the antics of those ‘crotch rocket’ bikers will soon be history.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


BarkGrowlBite | October 1, 2013

Saudi Arabia does not allow women to drive. A large number of Saudi women have been protesting against the ban and many foreigners have condemned it.

The Daily Mail reports that Saudi Sheikh Salah al-Luhaydan defends the law that bans women from driving, warning that by driving, women damage their pelvis and ovaries and risk having children with 'clinical disorders.'

Previously in 2011, the Saudis warned that allowing women to drive would 'provoke a surge in prostitution, pornography, homosexuality for both men and women, and divorce.'

Ah, now we know why California, Massachusetts and other states allow same-sex marriages, why the whole country has a high divorce rate, why many Americans are obsessed with pornography, and why so many voters are brain-damaged ….. It's all because of women drivers!

And now we also know why Obama is our president ….. he got elected by voters suffering from women driver-induced clinical brain disorders.