Sunday, September 29, 2013

WHOOSH, BOOM, CRASH, OOPS

BarkGrowlBite | September 29, 2013

Investigators now believe the partial building collapse of Nairobi's Westgate shopping mall during the Al Shabaab siege was caused by Kenyan soldiers firing rocket propelled grenades inside the mall.

Now that’s a great big oops! Kenyan authorities still do not know how many innocent shoppers were buried in the pile of rubble left by the rocket propelled grenades.

Friday, September 27, 2013

NEW POLL FINDS AMERICANS VIEW DEATH OF CLOSE RELATIVE MORE FAVORABLY THAN CONGRESS

The Onion | September 27, 2013

WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, the favorability rating of the U.S. Congress has sunk so low that the legislative body is now looked upon more negatively than the death of a close relative.

“When asked whether they would prefer to select a casket for their child or endure the forthcoming congressional showdown over the debt ceiling, 89 percent of Americans said they would rather bury their own offspring,” said Pew spokesperson Diana Shostak, adding that the figure went up to 96 percent when it was specified that the political brinksmanship could go on for weeks without a single piece of legislation ever making it to the floor for a goddamn up-or-down vote. “Watching one’s grandmother weep uncontrollably at the impending death of her husband of 60 years, having the agonizing conversation about whether to pull the plug on his life support unit, and looking on as he gasps for his final breaths—these situations all enjoyed higher approval ratings than any individual member of the House or Senate.”

The poll also found that the prospect of suffering one’s own death by slow asphyxiation was viewed four times more favorably than anything having to do with filibusters.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

CANADIANS COMPARE AMERICAN BEER TO SEX IN A CANOE

Crave Canada, The Canada Travel Guide, disparages American beer:

“Americans can’t brew beer – hence the joke; how is sex in a canoe like American beer? They’re both fucking close to water.”

HOW GOD STAYS COOL

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter and the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man.

St. Peter then pointed to another clock and said, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Wow, only two lies. That’s amazing when you consider that Lincoln was a lawyer. Now, where’s President Obama’s clock?”

“Obama’s clock is in God’s office. The Lord is using it as a ceiling fan.”

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

OPENING SALVO IN CAMPAIGN TO BAN BULLETS

The American Ban Bullets Coalition receives infusion of money from Michael Bloomberg and the strong backing of President Obama

By Pamela Putz

NEW YORK – Standing in front of city hall Monday at a press briefing with Mayor Bloomberg, Senator Chuck Schumer, Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy and Sarah Brady, Dr. Ellie Phant, president of the American Ban Bullets Coalition (ABBC), announced that the organization she formed in February has been joined by the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, the parents of children killed and wounded in the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre, and other gun control groups, in a joint campaign to ban the possession of bullets by the American public.

Dr. Phant, professor of gender studies at the University of California-Berkeley, said that Senator Schumer and Rep. McCarthy will introduce companion bills in Congress that would ban the sale to and possession of bullets, gun powder and cartridge cases by American civilians. Dr. Phant said the new law, if passed, would allow Americans to possess handguns, shotguns, sporting rifles, AR-15s, AK-47s and other military-style rifles in line with the Second Amendment rights to keep and bear arms. Possession of ammunition, other than during wild game hunting, would be restricted to licensed law enforcement officers and the military. A first offense would be a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in jail and a $5,000 fine. A second offense would be a felony punishable by up to five years in prison and a $20,000 fine.

Mayor Bloomberg handed Dr. Phant a check in the amount of $450,000. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of this myself,” said the mayor. “This law will effectively put an end to gun violence. My check to Dr. Phant’s coalition should help to get the ABBC campaign going.” Sarah Brady echoed Bloomberg’s remarks, saying that “If only the Brady Campaign had thought of this when we first organized, we wouldn’t have run into the Second Amendment arguments.”

Rep. McCarthy, whose husband was shot to death in 1993 on a commuter train, said the new law would not ban wild game hunting. “Under the bills Sen. Schumer and I are introducing, the U.S. Department of the Interior will establish and operate ammunition outlets near hunting areas. There will be guns for rent, but hunters can bring their own rifles or shotguns. The hunters can purchase ammunition, but they will have to leave their driver’s licenses or passports at the ammo shops. They will be required to return all spent cartridge cases and any unused bullets in order to retrieve their licenses or passports.”

Sen. Schumer explained that “The hunting aspects of this law will be similar to those in Australia, the United Kingdom and other countries that ban the possession of not only ammunition, but guns as well. We are not banning guns. As a matter of fact we are loosening restrictions on firearms. We believe that by banning bullets, we will drastically reduce gun violence and eventually eliminate it altogether.” Sen. Schumer emphasized that “Once gun violence had ended, there will be no need for law enforcement officers to be armed with lethal weapons.”

Fred Werdlin, executive director of ABBC, read a statement of support from President Obama. “As President of the United States, I have been obsessed with ending gun violence. I am pleased to give my wholehearted support to the American Ban Bullets Coalition and its campaign to keep ammunition out of the hands of civilians. This is a simple solution to ending America’s disgraceful gun violence. A ban on bullets will allow our children to attend school without fear of getting shot and it will make our neighborhoods, theaters and work places safe again. And it will allow our citizen to keep and bear arms in line with the Second Amendment. I am sorry that I did not come up with a bullet ban myself. I can’t wait until Carolyn and Chuck’s bill reaches my desk so I can sign it. I want to praise and thank Dr. Ellie Phant for her efforts to reduce gun violence. Dr. Phant has the gratitude of our great nation.”

Dr. Phant ended the press briefing by saying, “I want to thank Congresswoman McCarthy and Senator Schumer for their support and for introducing legislation banning the possession of bullets. And, of course, I want to thank Mayor Bloomberg for his very generous support on behalf of our mission.”

Sunday, September 22, 2013

A JEWISH MOTHER TRIES TO MAKE SENSE OF IT ALL

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says:

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a $250,000 Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away.....over 45 cents?"

Saturday, September 21, 2013

HELL NOW A THRIVING EPICENTER OF GAY CULTURE

Locals say the Chasm of Wickedness and Sin has become a happy and prejudice-free sanctuary for the gay community

The Onion | September 19, 2013

THE MALEBOLGE, NETHER REGIONS OF DARKNESS—Noting the incredible rate at which the community has grown, sources confirmed Thursday that Hell, the Endless Kingdom of Misery, is now a booming haven of gay culture.

The Great Abyss, home of the damned, is reportedly inhabited by some 600 million condemned homosexual or transgender souls, a large proportion of its total population, and has by many accounts blossomed into an oasis of gay activism and community events.

“I’ve only been here for a few months, but I’ve already fallen in love with it,” said 49-year-old Daniel Edelson, adding that he has already befriended hundreds of fellow gay men and women in the accursed underworld, all of whom have welcomed him with open arms. “The streets of fire and brimstone are full of so many great caf├ęs, restaurants, bakeries, independent bookstores, and of course plenty of gay bars and clubs. There’s just so much to do.”

“My favorite place is this wonderful little promenade along the River Styx, where couples always take walks together on the weekends,” continued Edelson. “I’d say this is easily the most LGBT-friendly place I’ve ever lived.”

According to sources, the deepest bowels of Hell have over the past several millennia developed a thriving gay community that is said to rival the likes of the New York City neighborhood of Chelsea, San Francisco’s Castro District, Soho in London, and the Boystown section of Chicago.

Along with its wide variety of gay-friendly businesses, the Underworld is also home to The 666, a sprawling, five-story gay nightclub that is reportedly the largest such establishment ever built. Reports confirmed The 666 is one of the most popular destinations in the Nine Circles, offering drag shows, multiple dance floors, six-headed go-go dancers, and live music.

“It’s just nice to finally live in a place where I don’t feel like an outcast or an outsider,” said Vanessa Aldridge, 38, stressing that she has faced absolutely no discrimination since she, like all homosexuals and gay sympathizers, was sentenced to an eternity in Lucifer’s Den immediately upon her death. “There’s no stigma attached to openly being who I am here. Everyone is respected and free to live the way they want to live.”

“It’s really refreshing, frankly, to live in a place where nobody gives me any weird looks when I walk hand-in-hand with my girlfriend,” Aldridge continued. “And all of the other eternally damned homosexuals down here feel the same. I thank Satan every day for welcoming me here.”

Hell has been widely celebrated by gay rights leaders for its far-reaching acceptance of alternative lifestyles, and residents told reporters it is incredibly common to see a rainbow flag hanging over various shop awnings, in car windows, or atop thrones of blood-soaked bones and rotting flesh. Additionally, the Inferno’s Gay Pride Parade, held every July in the Second Circle, is noted for its extravagance and high attendance rate.

Reports confirmed that, with thousands more homosexual souls flooding the Gates of Hell every day, the Chasm of Wickedness and Sin has truly become a sanctuary for gays and lesbians alike, a feeling proudly shared by a majority of heterosexual locals.

“The gay community has really flourished here, and I have to say, they’ve been great for the place,” said Nephirem the Malevolent, a 10,000-year-old, 70-foot-tall minotaur who has resided in hell since rising from the ashes of a smokeless flame. “At the end of the day, they’re just like anyone else. Everyone has the right to express their love for whomever they want. They don’t bother me in the slightest, and if anything, we in the Dark Lord’s Army encourage any and all public displays of affection between same-sex couples.”

“I think it’s great that they’ve carved out such a strong community for themselves here,” added the horned beast of ceaseless death and destruction. “I’m all for it.”

In stark contrast to Hell’s ongoing embrace of persecuted groups, sources confirmed that Heaven remains the most bigoted and intolerant place in the universe.

Friday, September 20, 2013

WHEN ENGINEERS GO TO HELL

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him down to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him up to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back up or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer when they’re all down here?"

Thursday, September 19, 2013

SONG FOR OLD FARTS

Here are some of the lyrics from a song written and sung by Libby L. Allen:

THE GREEN SIDE OF THE GRASS

On the other side of fifty,
There is something you should know.
The eyesight fades, the hearing fails,
And when you sneeze, the bladder goes.
The walk becomes a shuffle,
The bathroom is now your friend,
‘Cause without a single warning,
You've got to go again.
The wrinkles in that mirror,
Just can’t be on your face,
You think a stranger’s in the house,
‘Cause your things get out of place.
Arthritis comes to visit,
Gravity takes its toll,
The list of meds is growing,
Just part of getting old.
Look on the bright side…
You’re on the green side of the grass!
You’re not six feet under;
This day is not your last!
Though there may be senior moments,
‘Cause the memory is fading fast,
At least you’re on the green side of the grass!

POEM FOR OLD FARTS

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age is upon me
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

JESUS FLOODS GODLESS POLICE STATION

That’s a naked Jesus Lopez, not Our Lord and Savior

BarkGrowlBite | September 18, 2013

Baytown, a city of 73,000, is located at the mouth of the San Jacinto River on Galveston Bay, just east of Houston. It is home to one of Exxon-Mobil’s largest refineries and there are many other refineries in the area. With all those beer guzzling refinery workers living there, Baytown needed someone to cleanse it of sin. Meet Jesus Lopez.

On Friday night, 21-year-old Jesus Lopez climbed up an awning at the back of a Baytown police substation, broke in through a second floor window and made his way to the ground floor. The station is open only during the daytime. With all the doors to the outside locked, he found himself trapped in the building. Desperate to get out and trying to get back up to where he broke in, he knocked a big hole in the ceiling, breaking a water pipe in the process. Eleven hours later, when an officer showed up for work Saturday morning, the water was still flowing out of the broken pipe. The officer found a naked Jesus standing inside the station where ‘it looked like a storm rolled through’ the building. He was arrested without any problem and toxicology tests were negative for any alcohol or drugs in his system.

The city estimates the damage Jesus caused amounted to $40,000. Because he did not intend to cause the damage, police charged him only with misdemeanor criminal trespass. Jesus was hospitalized for a psychiatric evaluation.

Why did Jesus break into that police station? Baytown Police Chief D.W. Alford told KHOU, “The building needed God. So he began praying, and when he came to, he was already inside with all of the damage.”

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

STUDY FINDS LEADING CAUSE OF DEPRESSION HEARING WORDS ‘2016 FRONTRUNNERS’

The Onion | September 16, 2013

BETHESDA, MD—A groundbreaking psychiatric study released Monday indicates that hearing the words “2016 frontrunners” is currently the leading cause of chronic depression in the United States.

“As our research shows, the vast majority of major depressive disorders arise instantly after the words ‘2016 frontrunners’ are uttered in any context, with most cases developing mere seconds after the words are heard and processed,” said National Institute of Mental Health director and study author Dr. Thomas Insel, pointing to thousands of test subjects who sank into an acute and irretrievable state of melancholy upon being exposed to any reference to the impending U.S. presidential race and its candidates. “Time and time again, we found that even the most buoyant and carefree of individuals would, upon hearing this reminder of the 2016 election, immediately plunge into an abject state of sadness, anxiety, decreased energy, and overwhelming despair, with their symptoms only amplifying as the phrase was repeated. Truly, these two simple words are capable of wreaking absolute havoc on the human mind.”

Insel added that despite its destabilizing effects, the expression is nowhere near as devastating to one’s mental well-being as the highly corrosive words “primary season,” which were reportedly responsible for more than 80,000 suicides in 2012 alone.

Monday, September 16, 2013

GHOSTS IN THE WHITE HOUSE

It’s 2017 and Hillary Clinton is sworn in as President. She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this!!

Suddenly the ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Andrew Jackson appears.

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jackson says, “Have Congress repeal Obamacare.”

“Ohhh no no! I don’t want to deprive Obama of his legacy.”

On the fourth night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears.

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Friday, September 13, 2013

GOD BLESS MOMMY AND GOODBYE DADDY

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.’

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died.

'Holy shit!' thought the father, ‘this kid is in contact with the other side.’

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the tennis pro I've had for four years dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson!’

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

JOHN KERRY COSTS U.S. DEFENSE INDUSTRY $400 BILLION

The Onion | September 10, 2013

WASHINGTON—Responding to initial reports that Syria may relinquish its stockpile of chemical weapons following Secretary of State John Kerry’s assertion that doing so would decrease the likelihood of American military strikes, representatives for the domestic defense industry complained to reporters Tuesday that the top-ranking diplomat may have cost them $400 billion in revenue.

“We were ready to produce and sell tomahawk missiles, advanced combat systems, and more unmanned predator drones, but instead our Secretary of State had to run his big fat mouth about options for averting war, and now we’re out hundreds of billions of dollars,” said a visibly upset Lockheed Martin CEO Marillyn A. Hewson, who along with her fellow executives at Northrop Grumman, Raytheon, and General Dynamics complained that because the initial invasion would have more than likely led to a protracted, wide-ranging international conflict, Kerry might have even cost them trillions. “With thousands of new munitions and logistical support contracts, Syria would have been a goldmine for us. I swear to God, if this doesn’t work out John Kerry owes us half a trillion dollars.”

Hewson added that it was some consolation that, with Kerry as the country’s chief foreign affairs liaison, he would “probably say something idiotic” in the near future that would lead to another lucrative international conflict.

JACK DANIEL’S FISHING STORY

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time, I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel’s Old No. 7 Tennessee Whiskey and poured a little in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake … with two more frogs.

Life is good, especially with Jack Daniel’s Old No. 7 Tennessee Whiskey.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

WORLD WAR II DOCUMENTARY SUFFUSED WITH ANTI-NAZI UNDERTONES

The Onion | September 6, 2013

NEWTON, MA—Calling its rhetoric one-sided and tendentious, viewers of the World War II documentary Total War told reporters Friday that the film’s language and imagery reflected an unmistakable anti-Nazi bias.

“When they call the Third Reich ‘brutal’ and then play that sinister music in the background, you start to wonder if the filmmakers may have come to this project with a certain agenda already in mind,” said Mike Kuldell, 43, explaining that the documentary had “a pretty clear Allied slant” to it. “Any pretense of objectivity is out the window by the time they start talking about the ‘Nazi menace’ and how Hitler’s speeches were ‘full of hate.’ It’s so heavy-handed. Why can’t they just lay out the facts and let me draw my own conclusions?”

Sources confirmed that by its end, Total War had devolved into a shameless hit piece that actually seemed to take a kind of sadistic pleasure in Hitler’s demise.

Friday, September 6, 2013

RENEWED CALLS FOR KNIFE CONTROLS IN WAKE OF DEADLY STABBINGS

Sarah Braidie demands action, Obama appoints Joe Biden to head task force on knife violence

By Pamela Putz

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- On Monday at least two men were stabbed in Hollywood, one fatally. And previously on June 18, a 23-year-old woman was also stabbed to death in Hollywood.

Monday night in North Hollywood, Mario Alejandro Martinez, 21, chased his 20-year-old sister, Raquel Martinez, down a street and stabbed her to death with a kitchen knife when he caught up to her.

Wednesday morning in Spring, Texas, Luis Alonzo Alfaro,17, stabbed 17-year-old Joshua Broussard to death during a fight between students at Spring High School. Three other students were hospitalized with stab wounds.

In the wake of these latest stabbings, the Braidie Campaign to Stop Knife Violence, came out with a strong statement calling for strict knife controls. Sarah Braidie, whose husband Jim was critically wounded in the nation’s capitol on March 30, 1981 when he was stabbed by a mentally deranged John Kinkly, Jr., promised renewed efforts to to keep knives out of the hands of criminals and dangerous people. Braidie blamed Republicans in Congress and lobbying by the National Cutlery Association (NCA) for blocking her previous calls to enact strict knife control legislation.

Wayne LePew, executive director of the NCA, immediately shot back at Braidie, complaining that she has been trying to take knives away from Americans for 30 years. “If you outlaw knives, only outlaws will have them,” declared LePew. "The NCA will continue to fight for the right of law abiding citizens to buy and own knives, and we're not going to allow the Braidie bunch or anyone else to take that right away from us."

Wayne Brock, Chief Scout Executive of the Boy Scouts of America (BSA), also slammed Sarah Braidie’s call for strict knife controls. “As everyone knows, our scouts are extremely proud of owning an official Boy Scout Swiss Army Knife, and we are not about to allow anyone to take those cherished knives away from them,” said Brock. BSA president Wayne Perry added, “Our boys will give up their scout knives only when you pry them from their cold, dead hands.”

With the Vice President standing by his side Thursday, President Obama strongly backed Sarah Braidie’s call for knife controls during an impromptu press conference on the stabbings. “We’ve seen far too many fatal stabbings like those which have just occurred in California and Texas,” said Obama. “We can’t stand idly by while the carnage continues. I will use all the powers of this office to progress the efforts to reduce knife violence, and I won’t be able to do it by myself. I’ve appointed Joe [Biden] to head a task force on knife violence. That task force will include members of Congress, my Cabinet and leaders of national organizations, and will recommend new laws to reduce the knife violence afflicting our nation. I expect Joe’s completed task force report to be on my desk no later than November 1st.”

Biden thanked Obama and said, “As you well know, Mr. President, I have been a longtime advocate of strict knife controls. As head of this new task force, I will put my heart and soul into the effort to have Congress enact legislation that will protect American citizens from becoming the victims of wanton knife assaults. You have my solemn word on it!”

Ed Henry, senior White House correspondent for Fox News, asked Biden, “Are you going to propose taking their cherished scout knives away from the Boy Scouts?” The Vice President glared at Henry and replied, “Next question!”

ARIEL CASTRO FAILED BY SYSTEM

The Onion | September 4, 2013

ORIENT, OH—In yet another glaring indication of the nation’s broken criminal justice system, Ohio correctional officers discovered the body of inmate Ariel Castro, a Cleveland man serving a life sentence on rape and kidnapping charges, hanging from his jail cell Tuesday night, prompting strong calls for action from reformers looking to correct America’s failed correctional policy.

“What happened to Ariel Castro is symptomatic of a deeply flawed rehabilitation system that provides neither justice nor security, instead allowing countless men and women each year to fall through the cracks,” prison reform advocate John Wolahan told reporters, noting that Castro, who police say was left unattended for 30 minutes at a time by security personnel, was as much a victim of the prison’s negligence as he was of society as a whole. “In a legal system concerned with harsh sentencing and ultra-punitive approaches to justice, the well-being of people like Ariel Castro—those who have to live in the system we created—is treated as a mere afterthought. And I ask you: How many Ariel Castros have to suffer before we realize the machine is broken? His death is something we all have to live with.”

Reformers added that the case was especially tragic because prison employees had reportedly seen warning signs from Castro for weeks and took no action.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

LAWYER TO BE CHARGED WITH CRIMINAL MISCHIEF FOR DENTING HOUSTON POLICE CHIEF’S CAR

HPD investigators determine pedestrian deliberately jumped in front of the chief’s car

by Ima Schmuck

HOUSTON, TX -- Houston Police Chief Charles McClelland was driving his city car to work at 8;15 Wednesday morning when, one block from police headquarters, he ran into a pedestrian who had just stepped off the curb. James Harris, a Houston lawyer, was taken to St. Joseph’s Hospital with injuries to both arms and released later that morning.

Chief McClelland explained, "I made a left turn on Clay, from Clay onto Travis. I had a green light and he had a green light to walk across the street. For whatever reason, I didn’t see him."

Officers from HPD’s traffic accident division conducted an investigation of the incident. They determined that McClelland was the victim of a careless or unscrupulous lawyer who deliberately banged into the chief’s car. Capt. Tom Swarthmore said, “We intend to take this case to the District Attorney and ask that Criminal Mischief charges be filed against Mr. Harris for denting the chief’s car. If the chief didn’t see him, it was only because Harris jumped in front of the car at the last second.”

UPDATE: Two witnesses who asked not to be identified have come forward to tell KHOU they overheard the two investigating officers and their sergeant at the scene. One officer is alleged to have said, “We’re going to ticket the chief, aren’t we?” The sergeant replied, “You gotta be kidding, do you want to be transferred to some shit detail on the night shift? No, we've got to save the chief's bacon on this one.” The officer then said, “But McClelland is an asshole.” The other officer responded, “Yeah, but he's our asshole.”

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN ON FENCE ABOUT PLAYING ASSAD’S BIRTHDAY GIG

The Onion | September 4, 2013

RUMSON, NJ¬—Sources close to Bruce Springsteen confirmed yesterday that the rock legend continues to have mixed feelings about accepting an invitation to perform at Syrian president Bashar al-Assad’s upcoming 48th birthday party.

“I mean, he’s a big fan, and the money’s good, so it’s a close call, ya know?” Springsteen reportedly said of the upcoming gig, in which the 63-year-old musician would be expected to play a 45-minute set with the The E Street Band at the Presidential Palace before al-Assad, his family, and several high-ranking military officers. “Besides, I kind of accepted over the phone when he asked, so the rest of the band is already over there right now. It sucks, but it might be the kind of thing where you just have to grit your teeth, go out there, and get it over with. Will it be my finest moment? No, but 200 grand is 200 grand.”

Springsteen added that if he does ultimately decide to play the party, he’s thinking of opening with “Badlands” into “The Ties That Bind” and then closing with an extended jam on “Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out.”

Sunday, September 1, 2013

WHY OBAMA WON IN 2008 AND 2012

Football fans were instrumental in victories

by Pamela Putz

DURHAM, N.C. — Dr. Joachim Dummkopf, professor of political science at Duke University and author of the best selling book, Why America Needs a Viable Third Party, claims that political positions of the Democratic and Republican parties had little to do with Obama’s 2008 and 2012 election victories.

After an exhaustive study, Dr. Dummkopf has concluded that football fans were instrumental in Obama’s election and reelection. He found that most voters were not impressed by the political positions taken by either party.

While watching a pro-football game between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Cleveland Browns, Dr. Dummkopf took particular note of fan behavior. During the third quarter he experienced a ‘eureka moment.’ He decided to study the behavior of football fans, both college and pro, and NASCAR fans across the nation.

Dr. Dummkopf found that football fans generally made complete fools of themselves – painting their faces, wearing outlandish headgear, screaming obscenities, jumping up and down, men shirtless in freezing weather grunting like cavemen, etc., etc. Conversely, he found that NASCAR fans behaved in a very calm and civil manner. Drunks among the football and race car fans were discounted.

“I have found the reason for both of President Obama’s election victories,” Dr. Dummkopf told a Friday press conference at Duke University. “We all know that NASCAR fans tend to be conservative. But what about football fans? Well here’s the key to Obama’s wins. Among American adults, 64 percent are pro-football fans, 53 percent are college football fans, and only 31 percent are fans of auto racing. Because there are so many more football fans than NASCAR fans, the country has millions and millions of voters that are fools, and the fools voted for Obama.”