Monday, April 29, 2013


The Unconventional Gazette / April 29, 2013

Dear Mrs., Ms. or Sir:

I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. I ALREADY HAVE ONE!!!! How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (26 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ's sake, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?

My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight damned passports I've had, it's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you and me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address. What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $100. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile.

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed /……………/

Sunday, April 28, 2013


The Onion / April 26, 2013

WASHINGTON—Declaring that every affluent child in America has the right to a well-balanced brunch, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced the launch of a $40 million school brunch program aimed at distributing brioche french toast and smoked salmon to the nation’s richest school districts.

“We found that 70 percent of students in wealthy communities were not receiving their recommended allowance of eggs Benedict and fresh-squeezed orange juice,” Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack told reporters Friday. “Quite simply, we believe all children of privilege deserve a proper, well-composed brunch plate with complimentary jalapeno cornbread mini muffins and honey butter on the side. With this new program, we can finally begin to offer the superior culinary experience that until now has been sorely missing in school cafeterias from Greenwich, CT to Palo Alto, CA.”

Department officials said that if its brunch program proves successful, they remain open to the possibility of spending an additional $80 million annually to add live jazz music.

Friday, April 26, 2013


The Unconventional Gazette / April 26, 2013

Here are the five rules for men to follow for a happy life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.

He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Thursday, April 25, 2013


The Onion / April 25, 2013

LOS ANGELES—Picketing outside a cemetery in Los Angeles today, members of the Westboro Baptist Church confirmed to reporters that they actually aren’t entirely sure why they chose to protest the funeral of television actor Allan Arbus.

“Wait, who is this guy again? Some sort of TV star?” said church member Jill Holland while trying to find any real reason whatsoever why the death of Arbus, a fashion-photographer-turned-actor best known for his role as Dr. Freedman in the popular sitcom M*A*S*H, was God’s way of punishing America for its moral decay and cultural decadence. “As far as I know, he wasn’t gay or bisexual, or the victim of a high-profile mass shooting or terror attack, or an American soldier killed in combat or anything like that. In fact, I’m pretty sure we’re just holding ‘God Hates Fags’ signs outside the funeral of some 95-year-old man who used to be on television for a while.”

At press time, church members had overheard that Arbus was of Jewish descent and said, “Okay, well, that’s something.”

Wednesday, April 24, 2013


by Ima Schmuck

The Unconventional Gazette / April 24, 2012

BALTIMORE, Maryland -- 13 female correctional officers at the Baltimore City Detention Center were charged Tuesday with allowing gang members of the Black Guerilla Family to smuggle drugs and cell phones into the prison. One inmate gang leader fathered five children with four of the arrested correctional officers. That probably explains why Maryland U.S. Attorney Rod J. Rosenstein told the Washington Post that “Correctional officers were in bed with BGF inmates.”

State Senator Lisa A. Gladden, D-Baltimore, told the Post that the large percentage of female correctional officers at the detention center contributed to the problem. “A lot of times, they become smitten with the inmates. [The inmates] talk really sweet and say really nice things, and the CO’s fall for them. You need to have a bunch of rough, ugly men.”

Gloria Steinem, a leading American feminist, told The Unconventional Gazette, that the indictments of Maryland women correctional officers was a sexist plot on the part of old guard remnants in the U.S. Justice department. “Does anyone really believe that women would be so foolish as to let a convict impregnate them?” asked Steinem. “Of course not! I hereby call on Congress to investigate the Justice Department for singling out and besmirching the reputation of women correctional officers.” She also accused Sen. Gladden of betraying the women’s movement.

Terry O'Neill, president of the 550,000 member National Organization for Women (NOW), was incensed that the Justice Department publicized the indictment of hard working women prison guards on spurious charges of sexual misconduct brought on by a lying bunch of no good rotten male convicts. “These false charges are a plot to set back the hard won victories of NOW over the past 40 years.” She added, “I won’t dignify Sen. Gladden’s sexist remarks with a response.”

Gloria Allred, the prominent civil rights attorney, told The Unconventional Gazette that she will represent the 13 female correctional officer pro bono. “These poor women did not ask me to represent them ….. I am doing this on my own. Remember, these women are innocent until proven guilty. I intend to show that the government entrapped these women. Why did it take more than two years of investigations to bring this case to fruition? Because the government set out from the start to screw these poor women.”

Rabbi Elchonon Lisbon of Congregation Ohel Levi Yitzchak / Bais Lubavitch told The Baltimore Sun: “I am not surprised at these indictments. Women have no business working in prisons or as police officers. A woman’s place is in the bedroom and the kitchen. A woman’s job is to serve her husband and to bear and raise their children ..... not to go out and do the work of men.”

Howie Katz, a blogger on PACOVILLA Corrections blog, told The Unconventional Gazette that he was once excoriated by dozens of women correctional officers, and a few male officers, for questioning the use of women as police patrol officers [Are Women Really Suitable For Police Patrol Work? / PACOVILLA Corrections blog / October 9, 2010]. “Only fellow blogger Bob Walsh had the courage to face that hysterical female onslaught by defending what I said. Now, with the arrest of these 13 women, I feel vindicated.”


The Unconventional Gazette / April 24, 2013

A reader reports that recently he went to a Gun Sow at the Reliant Center. There were many vendors. It looked like people were buying mostly handguns. Some were buying AR-15s. Thousands of people attended the all-day show. Hundreds signed up and joined the NRA.

There were lots of signs. One vendor displayed the best sign our reader said he saw ….. it read:


Tuesday, April 23, 2013


The Unconventional Gazette / April 23, 2013

Six-year-old Laura goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're getting a new car and we're all going to Disney World!

Sunday, April 21, 2013


Businesses will be required to register all buyers of pressure cookers, gun powder or other explosives, nails and BBs or ball bearings

By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Unconventional Gazette / April 21, 2013

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sen. Diane Feinstein, D-Calif., called a special news conference Sunday to announce she was introducing a bill to prevent terrorist attacks like the Boston Marathon bombing. Standing on the steps of the Capitol Building, Feinstein told reporters her bill would require businesses to register all buyers of pressure cookers, gun powder or other explosives, nails and BBs or ball bearings.

“We must do something about the easy availability of items that can be used in putting together a bomb,” Feinstein said. “I've entitled my bill 'The Boston Marathon Terrorism Prevention Law.' While this bill will not prevent all terrorist bombings, knowing that they will have to register their purchase may keep some terrorists from buying items that can be used to make a bomb. After all, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that once you register your purchase, it can be traced back to you.”

When this reporter asked, “Senator, what makes you think the Senate will pass this bill when it would not pass your assault weapons ban?”

A visibly angry Feinstein shot back: “You little jerk! ..... Why did you have to bring up my assault weapons ban? I cannot believe that some of my fellow Democrats were so scared of the NRA that they voted against my proposal. Mark my words ….. with the millions Mayor Bloomberg is throwing into the gun control campaign, all those stupid Republicans and those cowardly Democrats will be sent packing the next time they come up for reelection. And then Congress will send an assault weapons ban to the President for his signature. You can bank on that, you dickhead!”

Burt Prelutsky, an LA Times columnist standing next to this reporter, said: “Don't let her bother you. Frankly, I don’t know what it is about California, but we seem to have a strange urge to elect really obnoxious women like Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Nancy Pelosi and Maxine Waters to high office. I’m not bragging, you understand, but no other state, including Maine, even comes close. When it comes to sending left-wing dingbats to Washington, we’re number one."

Friday, April 19, 2013


The Unconventional Gazette / April 19, 2013

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

"Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"Actually I have four questions, sir."

__"First, Why did the US bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"

__"Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"

__"Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"

__"Fourth, Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have two questions.”

__”First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?”

__”Second, What the hell happened to Walter?"

Thursday, April 18, 2013


The Onion / April 17, 2013

WASHINGTON—In the wake of Monday’s terrorist bombing at the Boston Marathon, sources reported today the internet had come up with approximately 8.5 million leads on who might have committed the deadly terrorist attack.

According to reports, in the hours and days since the bombing that killed 3 and injured countless others, internet users quickly took to social media sites, online news comment sections, and personal blogs to examine the evidence related to the crime and are, at press time, investigating over 8 million potential suspects.

“Photos taken at the scene clearly show a man on the roof in the background,” Twitter user David Albrecht wrote on his feed Tuesday night in one of the millions of possible leads currently being pursued on the internet. “Still unclear if he’s involved in the attack or just an eyewitness.”

“Definitely suspicious though,” a follow-up tweet concluded.

Among the 8.5 million leads that have been reported by internet users this week are the theory that the attack was carried out by a Saudi national currently in the hospital, along with suggestions that the Saudi national is actually aiding police with the investigation, and still other speculations that there is so Saudi national at all and that it was either an American right-wing extremist or an American left-wing extremist.

Additional investigations by internet users have found that the attack was committed by either a lone attacker, a right-wing militia, a single Islamic jihadist, a consortium of Islamic fundamentalist groups, the U.S. Federal Reserve, North Korea, the Boston Police Department, the anti-gun lobby, the pro-gun lobby, or the marathon’s organizers.

Sources confirmed that all of the 8.5 million theories have yet to be verified.

“The pressure cooker was filled with ball bearings and nails and was clearly wired by a professional, so you have to assume ex-military, right?” wrote reader Jason Hogarth in a user comment, pursuing a lead first posited five comments earlier by fellow reader and investigator Michael567. “Also, the fact that he hid the bomb and ran away suggests that he is likely not in a group, but it could just be a bigger diversion from whoever is really behind all this.”

“So, part of me wants to say an Iraqi vet or an American al-Qaeda,” added Hogarth, identifying two potential suspects. “Maybe both.”

Despite some contradictory findings, several internet users have also yet to fully rule out theories claiming the victims of the attack were merely actors hired to participate in an elaborate event staged by the government.

“If they planned Sandy Hook, which they did, then they planned this one, too,” read a Facebook comment from Sarah Lochstein, elucidating a theory based on high-resolution photos from the scene, eyewitness testimony, short clips of FBI statements in news articles, and her own reporting from extensive video rants posted on her YouTube channel at 1 a.m. Tuesday. “This whole country is going to fucking shit and Obama’s taking us down with it.”

“It is time the people are exposed to who their leader really is,” Lochstein said, in a separate report a half hour later.

While still early in the investigation, experts believe the internet is likely to uncover crucial evidence in the coming hours that will likely result in anywhere between 20 to 30 million more leads on potential bombing suspects.


The Unconventional Gazette / April 18, 2013

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the responding officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar, 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Acts 2:38

Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. (King James Bible Version)

Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." (New International Version)

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


Boston Marathon bombings set off alarms among Democratic legislators

By Pamela Putz

The Unconventional Gazette / April 16, 2013

SACRAMENTO -- In the wake of the Boston Marathon bombings, State Senator Leland Yee, D-San Francisco, and Assemblywoman Nancy Skinner, D-Berkeley, have introduced companion bills calling for background checks on pressure cooker buyers. And State Senator Mark Leno, D-San Francisco, and Assemblyman Philip Ting, D-San Francisco, have introduced companion bills banning backpacks for all but public school students.

The two bombs in Boston were IEDs (improvised explosive devices) in the form of pressure cookers containing an explosive, BBs and nails. Similar IEDs have been commonly used against civilians and against American troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. The two bombs in Boston were contained in backpacks that were dropped off in trash containers near the Marathon finish line. There are various websites, including the one from al-Qaeda, with instructions for making pressure cooker bombs.

Sen. Yee and Assemblywoman Skinner told reporters that their bill was designed to protect Californians from terrorists, both domestic and foreign. Yee said, “We owe it to the people of this great state ….. that we do everything possible to protect them from these types of bombs.” And Skinner said, “The Boston Marathon bombings were a wakeup call.”

Sen. Leno told reporters that while his bill may seem somewhat drastic, it is too easy to conceal an IED in a backpack and "the Boston bombings call for drastic action." And Assemblyman Ting said, “In the not too distant future, terrorists will be able to use miniature nuclear devices against us … and what better place to conceal them than in backpacks.”

When The Unconventional Gazette asked Michael Ty, president of the American Culinary Federation, what he thought of Yee and Skinner’s proposal to require background checks for pressure cooker buyers, he replied, “What else would you expect from those kooks in the San Francisco Bay area.” Ty added, “Come on now, let's get real ..... Pots don’t kill people; people kill people.”

The NRA’s Hudson Riehle, happened to be with Michael Ty and could not restrain himself from speaking out about the pressure cooker control proposal. Riehle, the senior vice president of the National Restaurant Association (NRA) said, “That’s right ….. Pots don’t kill people; people kill people.”

The Unconventional Gazette also contacted Congressman Steve Stockman, R-Texas, an ardent anti-abortion and gun rights advocate. Rep. Stockman has produced a bumper sticker that says: If babies had guns they wouldn’t be aborted. When asked about the proposals to require background checks for pressure cooker buyers and the banning of backpacks, Stockman replied, “And they say I’m nuts.”

Monday, April 15, 2013


The Onion / April 12, 2013

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, though more than a decade has passed since the events of 9/11, it has still not been nearly long enough to open a restaurant called Bin Laden’s.

“Our research confirms that it is far too soon for a prospective restaurateur or franchise operator to open a September 11–themed restaurant named after deceased international terrorist and al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden,” read the report, which added that the attack on the World Trade Center by Islamist militants is still too fresh in people’s minds for them to comfortably order a pancake menu item called The Twin Tower Double Stack, an Osama Burger, or the Flight 93-Alarm Chili. “There will be a time in the future when Americans will be ready to take their whole family out to Bin Laden’s and grab a table in the middle of the Ground Zero dining area, but that time isn’t now. So, if you’re thinking about opening a restaurant called Bin Laden’s, you’ll have to wait.”

The report concluded that, based on the success of the McVeigh’s franchise, the popular Oklahoma City bombing–themed restaurant chain made famous for their Fertilizer Bomb Cheese Fries, the nation probably needs another six years or so.

Sunday, April 14, 2013


The Unconventional Gazette / April 14, 2013

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The elderly lady, in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. The nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me crap."

Saturday, April 13, 2013


Dog ate owner’s five $100 bills when locked up in car with the money

BarkGrowlBite / April 13, 2012

This dog has expensive tastes. He did not eat a $1 bill, just the five 100s. Wayne Klinkel and his daughter retrieved pieces of the cash from Sundance’s poop. Like with a puzzle, Wayne pieced the pieces back together.

Owner retrieves cash after canine helps himself to $500 snack

By Eve Byron

Helena Independent Record
April 7, 2013

Wayne Klinkel has taken the old “my dog ate my homework” excuse to a new level.

Klinkel’s dog ate his $100 bills. Five of them.

“I thought ‘You dumb SOB,’” Klinkel recalled with a rueful laugh. “I couldn’t believe he did that.”

The story of the $500 dog started around Christmas, when Klinkel and his wife took a road trip to visit their daughter and her husband, Amy and Coty Church, in Denver. Along the way, they stopped for dinner and left their 12-year-old golden retriever, Sundance, locked in the vehicle. They also left the five $100 bills and a $1 bill in a cubbyhole in their rig.

When they returned to the car, the doors were still locked and the dog was still inside. The $1 bill was lying on the driver’s seat. About half of a $100 bill was next to it.

The rest was gone.

“Sundance is notorious for eating anything and everything, so right away I knew what happened,” Klinkel said.

He added that cleaning up after Sundance for years taught him that paper doesn’t digest. So for the rest of his vacation, Klinkel followed the dog around outside as he went about his business. Wearing rubber gloves, he picked portions of the five $100 bills out of the dog poop.

“I pretty much recovered two fairly complete bills, and had some other pieces,” Klinkel said. “But it wasn’t nearly enough there to do anything with it.”

Recently, however, his daughter came to Montana to visit. She brought a small baggy with her that held more pieces of $100 bills.

“She said ‘Oh, Dad, look what Coty found in the back yard,’” Klinkel said. “They found it after the snow had melted. She said they were shocked it hadn’t blown away. Good thing it’s a fenced yard.”

Klinkel first put the hundred-dollar remnants in a five-gallon bucket of water and dish soap — a lot of dish soap — and let it soak for about a week while he tried to get in the right frame of mind for the task at hand.

Eventually, he drained and rinsed the pieces, using a screen made for panning for sapphires. Once the bills were dry, he painstakingly pieced them back together, taped them and put each individual bill in a plastic bag.

Now Klinkel needed to figure out what to do with them. So he searched online and decided to take the bills to the Federal Reserve Bank in Helena.

He was stopped at the gate by the guard, who told him the Federal Reserve “is the bank’s bank” and that he needed to take the bills to a bank. Klinkel went to one local bank, where three tellers gingerly picked up one of the baggies and examined it.

“Eww,” the teller said. “We can’t take these because we would have to give them to another customer.”

Klinkel tried to explain that the banks give mutilated or worn out bills to the Federal Reserve, but the tellers refused to believe him.

So he went to a larger local bank, where the tellers this time broke out in hearty laughs when they heard of his plight. Their bank policy is to tell the customer to “send the mutilated currency, at their own expense and risk” to the Treasury Department’s Bureau of Engraving and Printing, along with a letter explaining how the currency was destroyed and the customer’s name and address.

“The Department of the Treasury sends a check directly to the customer when they deem the currency redeemable,” the bank policy stated.

But the bank staff noted that since none of the bills had the entire two serial numbers on them, they didn’t think the bills were redeemable.

However, a federal government employee, who declined to be identified, said that all Klinkel needs is 51 percent of the bills to be reimbursed. Information from the Treasury website adds that “each case is carefully examined by an experienced mutilated currency examiner” and if they decide that Klinkel’s tale of woe is true, they just might send him a $500 check. That could take anywhere from six months to two years.

That’s fine with Klinkel, since he’s obviously is a patient man.

“Guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens,” he said.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013


The Onion / April 8, 2013

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Following weeks of careful planning, NATO officials revealed Monday that an airstrike had successfully destroyed a vital Taliban day care center in eastern Afghanistan, killing over 45 Taliban babies and toddlers.

“I can confirm that on Sunday, coalition forces carried out an attack on a nursery school of considerable strategic importance,” said a spokesman for NATO’s International Security Assistance Force, adding that 11 high-priority 2-and-3-year-old targets were killed during the operation. “The facility was believed to have housed a supply closet containing diapers and snacks, as well as several playrooms and a large nap area. We made sure we ordered the strike during playtime so that we could eliminate targets both in the building and those who were outside running around on the playground with their friends.”

The airstrike reportedly marks the second successful military strike against rebel forces this month, after last week’s successful bombing of a key Taliban soccer game.


The Unconventional Gazette / April 10, 2013

News flash:

In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" twice a week."

Saturday, April 6, 2013


The Onion / April 5, 2013

SAGINAW, MI—In a tentative attempt to test the waters a bit, local 12-year-old Connor Bartlett told reporters that he took a chance on saying the word “shit” in front of his mother for the first time Friday.

“I’ve been dipping my toe in there with ‘hell’ and ‘sucks’ for a while and she hasn’t really said anything yet, so I figured, hey, might as well jump in feet-first with ‘shit’ and see what happens,” the preteen said of his inaugural usage of the harsh expletive in his mother’s presence, adding that “if she freaked out, [he] could always just switch back to ‘crap,’ no problem.”

“As far as I can tell, she didn’t really seem to react or notice, so it looks like I’m pretty good to go. I wonder what else I can get away with.”

At press time, sources confirmed that Bartlett had abruptly learned the limits of his mother’s tolerance for profanity after diving right in the deep end and calling her a “fucking bitch.”

Wednesday, April 3, 2013


By Bob Walsh

PACOVILLA Corrections blog / April 3, 2013

According to the CHP (who clearly got it wrong) parolee Gerardo Lopez, 36, of Stockton, was driving on Hwy 26 at about 110 mph a couple of days ago and refused to yield. When they nailed him with spike strips the jumped out of the car carrying an AR-15, dropped the weapon, and fled into an orchard where he was captured. What actually happened was quite different.

According to a press release from Governor Brown’s office Mr. Lopez was in fact out collecting for the Red Cross when the accelerator of his car stuck. Once he finally got the car under control and stopped he got out, dropped the rifle that somebody else must have placed in his car so the cops could have it, and wandered into the orchard to see if any of the migrant workers who may (or may not) have been there needed his assistance.

The poor misunderstood Lopez was most unfairly booked into the county hospitality center for felony evasion, resisting arrest, auto theft, possession of stolen property, illegal possession of an “assault weapon”, illegal possession of high-capacity magazines, illegal possession of ammunition and felonious mopery.

(OK, I made that last charge up. Also, pretty much all of the second paragraph. I was bored this morning, and missed not having my third can of Green Death for breakfast.)

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


The Onion / April 2, 2013

WASHINGTON—In a symbolic ceremony celebrating the signature legislative achievement of his administration, President Barack Obama personally euthanized terminal cancer patient Shirley Hunnicutt, 73, at George Washington Memorial Hospital Tuesday in what he promised will be the “first of many” physician-assisted suicides performed under the Affordable Care Act as promised.

“Okay, that should about do it,” said the president as he injected Hunnicutt with a barbiturate followed by a heart-stopping muscle relaxant, holding the woman’s hand as she drifted toward a peaceful end. “Shirley is resting easy now, and I’m sure the American people will rest easy knowing my health care reforms will encourage thousands of ill or disabled patients just like Ms. Hunnicutt here to choose death instead of burdening our system with protracted hospice care or rehabilitation. Today was great. I enjoyed this.”

Obama later confirmed to reporters that, as clearly indicated in section 1233 of his health care reform bill, he hopes to personally kill thousands of senior citizens in the next three years of his presidency.

Monday, April 1, 2013


FUX News / March 31, 2012

SAN JOSE, CA -- San Jose police arrested a man on Sunday morning after he drove his car through the front door of a Walmart store, then got out of the car and attacked and injured four customers with a blunt object he picked up in the store.

San Jose police told FUX News that the culprit was one of the assistant managers of a nearby Target store. Apparently he followed the four victims from his store after they browsed around for more than an hour without buying anything, then left and went to the Walmart store.

Officer Albert Morales said, "The driver drove through the front door, immediately exited the vehicle and picked up a blunt object within the store and started attacking four customers while shouting ‘This will teach you fuckers not to rummage through our merchandise without buying anything’."

The four victims were taken to a hospital with injuries that are not believed to be life-threatening. Target stores regional management refused any comment.


The Onion / March 29, 2013

LENEXA, KS—Hundreds gathered for a somber memorial service Thursday in honor of Stuart D’Abarno, 31, a firefighter killed in a residential blaze whom colleagues remember as an incompetent waste of space who couldn’t fight fire for shit.

According to the Lenexa Fire Department, D’Abarno responded to a routine one-alarm house fire on Chestnut St. at approximately 1 a.m. Sunday night, suffered third-degree burns, and died of smoke inhalation after running into an inflamed second-floor bathroom in his trademark idiotic fashion, forgetting his required turnout gear and hose line, as per usual.

Sources confirmed that D’Abarno, who leaves behind a widow, Julissa, 28, and two small girls, died needlessly and moronically.

“Today we mourn the loss of a loving family man, a committed firefighter, and the most incompetent halfwit you could ever meet,” said Department Chief Bruce Morelis, fondly recalling his fallen colleague who devoted eight useless years to the department, which he reportedly imperiled on a daily basis by simply showing up to work. “Frankly, I’m still in a state of shock that such a good friend is gone and didn’t die sooner.”

“Stu’s fellow firefighters will always remember him as a considerate and generous moron who nearly died during our training drills, for God’s sake,” added Morelis. “It’s truly a tragedy, though hardly a surprise, that the wonderful dope is no longer with us.”

The fire chief announced that all flags in the community would be flown at half-mast for two weeks after the memorial service, celebrating the inept dolt known for attempting to ride in elevators to quickly reach higher floors of burning buildings.

Leading the mourners through highlights of the fallen firefighter’s career, Morelis wistfully reminisced about the unforgettable times when D’Abarno badly burned his hands on hot door knobs, knocked over ladders while carelessly backing up the truck, and was frequently rescued from grease fires he started in the firehouse kitchen.

“When I think of Stuart D’Abarno, I think of a man absolutely devoted to fighting fires incorrectly,” said division leader Fred Kessler, 38, who wiped away tears while speaking about the fallen fighter’s asinine mistakes. “Stu was always the first one to run into a burning building and run out on fire 15 seconds later.”

D’Abarno’s grieving widow, who told reporters she was touched by the outpouring of support, was reportedly overwhelmed with emotion while listening to firefighters share stories about her husband’s myriad fuckups.

“Stuart may no longer be here, but he will live on forever in our hearts as a loving husband, dedicated father, and an absolutely terrible firefighter who was not very good at what he did,” said Julissa D’Abarno. “He won’t be forgotten anytime soon. I just know that not a day will go by that I don’t think about my husband, the bungling, frankly humiliating dummy who risked the lives of everyone he worked with.”

The fire department also unveiled a commemorative plaque honoring D’Abarno, who was reportedly responsible for over $12 million in damage to public property, injuries to numerous firefighters, and the deaths of two citizens.

At press time, sources confirm that D’Abarno had addressed his last five life insurance payments incorrectly, inadvertently allowing his policy to lapse, failing to provide for the needs of his family.