Friday, June 29, 2012


The Schalotte / June 29, 2012

A rancher named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the rancher, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the rancher and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a U.S. Congressman," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the rancher. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are. And you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog!”

Thursday, June 28, 2012


BarkGrowlBite / June 28, 2012

The Obama administration and the Democrats continue to blame everything except climate change on former President George W. Bush. Oops, someone just nudged me and said they blame the earth's climate change on Bush too.

Finally the Republicans have something they too can blame on Bush. This morning, the Supreme Court upheld Obamacare by a 5-4 vote. And the deciding vote was cast not by Justice Anthony Kennedy, who often casts the court’s swing vote, but by Chief Justice John Roberts.

Everyone expected liberal Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Stephen G. Breyer and Obama appointees Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan to uphold Obama’s health care act, but hardly anyone expected the Chief Justice to join them.

And who appointed Chief Justice John Roberts to the Supreme Court? Well, it was none other than President George W. Bush. Now the Republicans can blame it on Bush too.

Thursday, June 21, 2012


By Ima Schmuck

The Schalotte / June 21, 2012

My next door neighbor, a nice 83-year-old man, came home all excited from the supermarket and told me this:

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was telling me how to slide my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Schalotte / June 20, 2012

I was having lunch Saturday with two friends in a smoke-free restaurant. We noted how nice it was to eat without having any cigarette smoke in the air. Rick said he and his wife had recently gone to a well-known restaurant that had a small smoking section off in a far corner. He said smoke spread throughout the restaurant.

Jay piped in with this jewel: A smoking section in a restaurant is like a section in the swimming pool where you can pee.

Monday, June 18, 2012


Donald Trump outbids other Republican billionaires for piece of history

By Ima Schmuck
The Schalotte / June 18, 2012

Monica Lewinsky, who turns 39 next month, has auctioned off her famous blue dress which still contains Bill Clinton’s semen stains and backed up her story that she gave the former president nine blow jobs in the Oval Office between November 1995 and March 1997.

In late July 1998, Lewinsky turned the dress over to Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr's investigators. An FBI lab analysis of blood samples taken from Clinton on August 3 and on August 17 concluded that Clinton was the source of the semen on the dress "to a reasonable degree of scientific certainty."

The dress was returned to Lewinsky who kept it in a safe-deposit box until last month when she turned it over to Sotheby’s, the prominent auctioneers.

On Friday, Sotheby’s auctioned off the dress. The bidding was furious and quickly approached the $1 million mark. Near the end, Donald Trump battled it out with the Koch brothers before submitting the winning bid of $1.3 million.

Democrat billionaire George Soros dropped out of the bidding after it reached $800,000. “I wanted to burn that Jewish slut’s dress,” Soros said. “But I’ve got other priorities for my money. I want to help President Obama get reelected. I’m supporting J Street in its fight against AIPAC and the Zionists. I’m supporting the SAFE California Act, the proposition to abolish the death penalty. And I’m supporting the legalization of marijuana. Those issues are far more important than some fucking Jewish slut’s dress.”

Sotheby’s reports that this was the highest amount ever bid on a piece of clothing. In 1999, Marilyn Monroe’s ‘Happy Birthday, Mr. President’ dress fetched $1.26 million at Christie’s. That’s the dress Monroe wore in 1952 during a birthday tribute to President John F. Kennedy. She was reported to have bedded both President Kennedy and his brother Robert.

“Monica Lewinsky’s dress represents a piece of American history,” said The Donald. “It’s worth every penny I paid for it. The semen stain which is still preserved on the dress proved that President Clinton lied when he denied that Monica ever sucked his cock in the Oval Office of the White House." Trump added, "I’m going to put it on permanent display in the lobby of the [New York] Trump International Hotel & Tower for the whole world to see.”

Also on Friday, Bill Clinton gave the commencement address at Redondo Beach [California] High School where his nephew Tyler Clinton was graduating. The former President urged the graduates to take chances. Afterwards, when a reporter asked Clinton what he thought about the auction of Lewinsky’s dress, a visibly angry Hillary Clinton snapped back with, “Listen you bitch, if I wasn’t the Secretary of State, I’d take Bill’s dick and shove it up your fucking nose!” As for taking chances, her husband certainly did that with Lewinsky.

As she approaches her 39th birthday, The Schalotte notes that it seems like only yesterday when Monica was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


The Schalotte / June 13, 2012

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny...

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a dumb ass Obama fan."

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


The Schalotte / June 12, 2012

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them mother fuckers."

Saturday, June 9, 2012


Proneva also shows promise in preventing cancer, AIDS, and heart attacks

The Onion / June 6, 2012

SILVER SPRING, MD — Calling it the single greatest breakthrough to date in Alzheimer's research, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced Monday the approval of Proneva, a new medication that prevents the degenerative brain disorder by killing individuals before its onset.

"Clinical trials have shown that a single dose of Proneva can end the lives of patients who otherwise would have developed a serious and life-threatening illness," said FDA spokeswoman Sandy Walsh, explaining that in a recent study Proneva successfully prevented Alzheimer's in 87 of 87 people who were administered the drug. "For the millions of Americans who already suffer from this disease or have shown early signs of dementia, we recommend commencing treatment as soon as possible."

According to Walsh, preliminary research also suggests Proneva may be equally effective at preventing cancer, AIDS, and heart attacks.

Saturday, June 2, 2012


The Onion / June 2, 2012

WASHINGTON—In an effort to streamline and better coordinate anti-terrorism efforts, the Department of Homeland Security announced Friday that it had established a designated "safe zone" within which members of al-Qaeda can carry out attacks on American soil without hurting anyone.

"We've cordoned off 80 acres of Kansas pasture and created a simulated environment in which those harboring a deadly grudge against our nation can destroy virtual marketplaces, transportation hubs, and even a miniature cityscape complete with a replica U.S. Capitol and Golden Gate Bridge," said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, confirming the facility was equipped with enough airplanes for the terrorists to "climb around in, hijack, and blow up as much as they like." Napolitano added, "We also made sure to include plenty of animatronic Iraqi police recruits, since we realize most victims of terrorism these days aren't actually Americans."

At press time, 56 were reported dead and 174 injured in a series of coordinated attacks in and around Baghdad.

Friday, June 1, 2012


Scorsese accused of stealing Gibson's plans to produce and star in contemporary version of Romeo and Juliet

By Pamela Putz

The Schalotte / June 1, 2012

A visibly angry Mel Gibson told a gathering of the Hollywood press corps that he was suing Martin Scorsese for $35 million for stealing his plans to produce and star in a contemporary version of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. In an obscenity-laced press conference, Gibson said that he had offered Scorsese the director’s job, but that the legendary filmmaker stabbed him in the back by stealing the plot for the film he had already begun to cast.

“I invited that fucking Wop over to my office, showed him my screenplay, and asked him if he would direct my Romeo and Juliet film for me,” said Gibson. “He told me that he would study the script and let me know later. The next thing I know, Scorsese is making an announcement that he’s going to produce the film himself. That motherfucking thief stole my movie and that's why I'm suing the God damn Dago.”

On Monday, Scorsese announced that he was planning to film a contemporary version of Romeo and Juliet set in Los Angeles and that he had already signed Robert De Niro and Sharon Tate as Juliet’s parents and Danny Glover and Queen Latifah as Romeo’s parents.

Gibson told reporters that “I’m not letting that fucking Dago get away with this!” Gibson, who has been accused of anti-Semitism, said that “I’ve been looking forward to portraying a Jewish father so we can put behind us those spurious charges that I hate the damn Jews. Now that God damn spaghetti bender comes along and ruins my chance to prove that I’m not a fucking bigot and that I don’t hate those fucking Christ killers.”

Gibson said he was going to play Abe Finkelstein, Romeo’s father, and that he had already signed Justin Bieber for the role of Romeo Finkelstein, Susan Sarandon as Romeo’s mother, Whoopi Goldberg as Juliet Washington’s mother, and Rosario Dawson as Juliet. “And I even landed Al Sharpton to play the role of Juliet’s father. Now who else would sign that fucking nigger for a leading role in a movie, huh?”

Gibson’s version of Romeo and Juliet is set in Brooklyn, New York. Romeo Finkelstein and Juliet Washington are seniors at a Brooklyn High School. Romeo’s father is the owner and operator of Finkelstein’s Fashion Mart in the predominantly black Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood of Brooklyn. Juliet’s father hates Jews because he believes they are leeches sucking the blood out of the black community as absentee landlords charging high rents for rundown apartments and store owners selling inferior merchandize at inflated prices.

In Gibson’s version, Romeo and Juliet fall in love, but Romeo’s parents do not want him to marry a gentile, especially a black gentile. And Juliet’s parents are determined that no daughter of theirs will ever marry a bloodsucking Jew. Romeo gets Juliet pregnant. Her father orders her to get an abortion and forbids her from seeing Romeo again. Juliet then runs off, gets rip-roaring drunk, and passes out. Romeo finds Juliet and thinks she’s dead. He takes off his belt and hangs himself. Juliet awakens to find Romeo dead. She removes the belt and hangs herself too.

“You can see the close similarity between my screenplay and the plot Scorsese described Monday,” Gibson told the reporters. “That God damn fucking Wop stole my screenplay and I’m sure as shit going to make that sorry ass motherfucker pay for it.”