Wednesday, May 30, 2012


The Schalotte / May 30, 2012

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. “Just think,” he said, “when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!”

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a solid gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, “I found out who pissed in your saxophone.”

Monday, May 28, 2012


By Pamela Putz

The Schalotte / May 28, 2012

Legendary filmmaker Martin Scorsese has just announced that he is making plans to film a contemporary version of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. Scorsese, noted for such films as Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Casino and The Departed, has already landed his longtime friend Robert De Niro for the role of Juliet’s father, Sharon Tate as her mother, Danny Glover as Romeo’s father and Queen Latifah as his mother. Scorsese is searching for a young black actor to play the role of Romeo Washington and a young white actress for the role of Juliet O’Malley.

The story will be set in Los Angeles. Romeo Washington and Juliet O’Malley are seniors in an LA high school. Romeo is a member of the notorious Bloods while Juliet is the daughter of a prominent LA commercial realtor. The two fall in love but her parents are determined that no daughter of theirs will ever marry an African-American. Romeo gets Juliet pregnant. Her father orders her to get an abortion and forbids her from seeing Romeo again. Juliet then overdoses on heroin. Romeo finds Juliet and thinks she’s dead. He blows his brains out with the handgun he’s been carrying. Juliet awakens to find Romeo’s brains splattered all over her. She pries the gun out of his hand and blows her own brains out.

“Romeo oh Romeo, where the fuck are you?” will replace the famous line, “O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”

Saturday, May 26, 2012


The Schalotte / May 26, 2012

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Jamie was left.

"Jamie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."


The Onion / May 23, 2012

HYANNIS PORT, MA—Following last week's tragic loss of yet another family member, the grieving Kennedys released a list of numerous heartbreaking ways the dynasty's remaining living relatives could die, sources confirmed Tuesday.

This list, which is formatted very simply with the name of a family member followed by 10 to 15 upsetting ways that each specific person could die, was faxed to all major news outlets, and includes such methods of death as "car crash, pill overdose, murder, and water-skiing accident."

According to the Kennedys, all family members could potentially die in a private plane crash.

"Robert F. Kennedy Jr." the document read in part: "Deadly fall, drowning in Martha's Vineyard, brain aneurysm during a speech in front of a large crowd of people, boating accident, carbon-monoxide poisoning, assassination at the hands of Sirhan Sirhan Jr., heart attack during some kind of humiliating sexual experience, house fire, reported missing and then later found decapitated in the woods, stroke."

"Crushed by large wooden beam," Kennedy's section concluded.

While the original list was sent at 11:40 p.m. Tuesday, sources have speculated that the Kennedy family felt it was incomplete, because at 12:40 a.m. an addendum to the document was released, adding "mutilation of some kind" to 84-year-old Jean Kennedy Smith's list of potential ways she could die, accidental self-strangulation to 27-year-old Kyle Francis Kennedy's section, and SIDS to the myriad ways 5-week-old Owen Patrick Kennedy might unexpectedly and tragically be killed.

"I see this list as a self-coping mechanism on the part of the Kennedys, and a way to emotionally prepare themselves for the inevitable sudden deaths of their relatives," University of Pennsylvania psychology professor David Claflin told reporters. "This way, if Rory Kennedy dies after a bout of anorexia, or is found with a broken neck at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, nobody in the family will be surprised because it's on the list."

At press time, Edward Moore Kennedy Jr., 50, was driving 20 mph over the speed limit on a very windy road in Nashua, NH.

Thursday, May 24, 2012


The Schalotte / May 24, 2012

Dear Pam

A few days ago my best friend from High School sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' hat. I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vet Nam Vet?" "No" I replied. "Then why are you wearing that hat?" "Because I couldn't find my one for the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried, "When was that?" God forgive me but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936"

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way fun.

"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously Awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah." he gave me the "don't threaten me" look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?" The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the
car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat..

Sunday, May 13, 2012


The Schalotte / May 13, 2012

A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to gather support for his re-election. When Obama discovered the cowboy was from President Bush's home area, he started to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Saturday, May 12, 2012


The Schalotte / May 12, 2012

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

The little old lady said, "It is shit. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Friday, May 11, 2012


The Schalotte / May 11, 2012

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

‘You got Male’

Thursday, May 10, 2012


What can you even say to defend a financial decision like this one?

By Jerry Reynolds

Car Pro News / May 9, 2012

According to a report by Detroit’s WXYZ television news team, the City of Detroit has been leasing a 2004 Dodge Intrepid since September 2003, over six years after the original two-year-lease expired. Since the City did not return the car, it has continued to make the $608 per month lease payments, even as it racked up miles well beyond the 40,000 in the original agreement, for which it now must pay 15 cents per mile. According to the report, the City has spent over $65,000 for the car, which it doesn’t even own.

That’s not all. WXYZ says that Detroit has 110 of these expired lease agreements on 2004 through 2007 models, and all of the cars are still on the road, wasting money with every tick of the odometer. Remember too, the City still has to turn in all 110 cars, and pay for excess wear and tear. An estimate of the city’s losses incurred by this leasing scheme is well over $4 million, according to the report.

The cars are all being used by the Detroit Police Department, and though they’re not quite full-zoot police cruisers like the 2002 Intrepid pictured above, they see action for undercover work. That means it’s not just the taxpayers who are getting a bad deal here, but the cops themselves, as I am pretty sure none of them are particularly happy to be out risking their lives in an eight-year-old Dodge.

If you look to find the faintest silver lining to this epic thunderstorm of mismanagement, it would be that perhaps in the publicity sure to follow, a few of Detroit’s residents might better understand why and how leasing can cost more than financing a new car purchase in some cases.

Monday, May 7, 2012


Described as idiots, agents were drunk as skunks, danced on top of nightclub tables

BarkGrowlBite / May 7, 2012

Dania, a stunning beauty, has been identified as the prostitute who was stiffed by a Secret Service Agent, since identified as Arthur Huntington. When he was drinking, he gave Dania $50 to buy condoms. Huntington must have been sober the next morning when he refused to pay her for her services.

It was Dania’s theft of services complaint to a Columbian police officer that set off the Secret Service sex scandal. And you can bet that her 90-minute interview on a Columbian radio station must have curled Napolitano’s toenails.

Here are some of the details of the Suarez interview:

Dania did not know the partying men were Secret Service agents. “At no time did I realize they were responsible for Obama’s safety. When he fell asleep after we had sex, I could have checked his papers, his suitcase, and everything else.”

Dania called the agents "fools for being from Obama's security and letting all this happen."

Dania said that all ten or eleven agents were drunk as a skunk, and some even dancing on the top of tables in the wild nightclub where they were partying up a storm. “In the club itself were many agents. There were ten or eleven of them. I left with one of them. The others had very undisciplined behavior, even climbing on the tables. They bought alcohol and I had water. The agent I left with was also a little drunk but he knew what he was doing. I thought he could afford me. I trusted him. He seemed so sure of himself [buying drinks] with his credit cards. He even gave me $50 to buy condoms.”

She says they fucked and slept together but he got pissed off about her price after waking up in the morning. “I begged him to give me my money but he locked himself in the room and would not open the door. Instead he shouted ‘go away, I will not pay’ . . . but I did not come for nothing. It’s a business.”

She finally gave up and left the room and immediately ran into a Columbian cop. After telling the police officer that she had been stiffed, they returned arm-in-arm to Huntington’s room. The cop banged on the door. The commotion aroused the other agents. Three of them decided to chip in and pay Dania because all of them were worried that their partying ways would get exposed. “Between three agents together I got $250 and then I went home.”

And the rest is history!

Saturday, May 5, 2012


Cops cleared on corruption charges after implicating decorated K-9 unit member

The Onion / May 3,2012

SARATOGA, NY—Less than 24 hours after being promoted to staff sergeant within the corruption-plagued Saratoga Police Department, decorated canine unit dog Chips was implicated by fellow officers Friday in a long series of felony misconduct charges, a development that has cleared all members of the force previously accused of the crimes.

"It's really heartbreaking to see a good dog you admire and respect go down like this," recently exonerated narcotics detective Charles Mitchell said of the 82-pound German shepherd, who had previously been commended for bravery on eight separate occasions and is now being held on counts ranging from harassment and evidence tampering to shooting an unarmed citizen during an investigation. "I felt really conflicted about turning evidence on him, but he was somehow able to steal 18 pounds of marijuana from a bust we worked together and then hide it in my garage, so what was I supposed to do?"

Other absolved officers added that Chips' arrest is especially difficult for the precinct after last month's suicide of Ranger, one of their police horses, who hung himself from a beam in his stable while under investigation for defrauding the department's pension fund of tens of thousands of dollars.

Thursday, May 3, 2012


By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Schalotte / May 3, 2012

On Wednesday, attorneys for a 23-year-old University of California at San Diego student filed a $20 million lawsuit against the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency.

Daniel Chong, had been busted on April 21, 2012 by the DEA during a drug sweep, thrown handcuffed into a dark windowless holding cell and forgotten for four days. After two days without food and water, a desperate Chong resorted to drinking his own urine to stay hydrated. His screams and banging on the door went unanswered.

Four days after his arrest, some DEA agents finally opened the door and turned on the lights. According to Chong, the befuddled agents asked, “Who are you? Where'd you come from?” Chong, who had lost 15 pounds during his ordeal, was released and spent five days in the hospital for dehydration, kidney failure, cramps and a perforated esophagus. No charges were ever filed against Chong.

This correspondent was able to interview some of the leading characters in this story. I asked Chong to tell me the circumstances under which he got busted.

Chong: "On April 20, I went to a friend’s place to get high. It was because that was the time college students all over the country hold their annual countercultural ritual. There were nine of us popping pills and smoking weed. We all finally zonked out. I woke up when a bunch of DEA stormtroopers came charging in and busted us."

I interviewed one of the arresting agents. He talked to me on the condition I not identify him because he was not authorized to release any information.

DEA agent: "A reliable confidential informant had advised us that a bunch of college students were holding a drug party at the location in celebration of the annual countercultural ritual. When we entered the place on the morning of April 21, we found nine people there and seized 18,000 ecstasy pills, other drugs and some weapons. That’s all I am going to tell you."

I asked Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, DEA Administrator Michele Leonhart and Attorney General Eric Holder for some comments on this incident.

Napolitano: "Shit, on top of those Secret Service prostitution scandals in Columbia, El Salvador and God knows where else, now I’ve got to deal with this damn mess. Well, you know, nobody is perfect. Since we are facing litigation, I’ve got no further comments."

Leonhart: "I have the utmost confidence in our fine agents. They risk their lives on a daily basis protecting our society from the scourge of illicit drugs. They are overworked, underpaid and underappreciated. I hope this unfortunate incident doesn’t sully our reputation. After all, nobody is perfect. This would never have happened if Mr. Chong and his friends had not decided to get stoned on illicit drugs. I cannot say anything else because we are being sued in this case."

Holder: "The Justice Department will vigorously fight this lawsuit. Let me remind everyone that the plaintiff in this case deliberately and of his own volition decided, along with his friends, to use and possess drugs prohibited by the laws of these United States. Thank you Mr. Schweinehund."

I also interviewed Angela Davis, Distinguished Professor Emerita at UC Santa Cruz, and Mary Alice Trueheart, 22, student president of the ‘Legalize Recreational Drugs Club’ at UC San Diego.

Davis: “I'm not surprised. Here we have just one of many examples of how the brutal pig police treat the oppressed and exploited masses in a capitalist society. Back in the ‘60s and ‘70s my friends in the Black Panther Party and the Black Guerrilla Family had the balls to stand up to the pigs. No one is standing up to the pigs nowadays. What happened to Daniel Chong in San Diego would never have been allowed to happen in Cuba and other socialist societies.”

Trueheart: “This is exactly why we want to legalize the use and possession of recreational drugs! I know Daniel personally. He’s a fine young man. We’ve hooked up three or four times. Man, is he ever good in the sack! You say he lost 15 fucking pounds? Oh my gawd, he didn't have an ounce of fat on him. Man, I hope this doesn’t affect his performance in bed! Those fucking pigs ought to be ashamed of themselves. I hope poor Daniel gets the whole 20 million. More would be even better. Hey everybody out there, lets legalize recreational drugs!”

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


The Onion / May 2, 2012

WASHINGTON—The alleged misconduct of Secret Service personnel accused of soliciting prostitutes in Colombia last month did not at any time compromise President Obama's security, longtime White House adviser Madame Chartreuse said during a press conference today.

"My girls know the rules: Be discreet about everything you see and never take in agents who are on duty, no exceptions," said Madame Chartreuse, adjusting her pearl-buttoned crimson corset as she lit a brown cigarillo and sipped from a snifter of absinthe. "I run a classy operation, just ask anyone. Johns gotta wash up beforehand, no slappin' the girls around, and no opium."

Madame Chartreuse added that anyone who sees "that no-good son-of-a-bitch [Vice President] Joe Biden" should tell him that, if he wants his embroidered leather trousers back, he will have to pay for all the stained-glass lamp shades he's broken.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


By Pamela Putz

The Schalotte / May 1, 2012

The other day I ran into some college student protesters at the grocery store entrance handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq? Don't you care about the atrocities of our country? "

The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam ... All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella all the way up your ass and then open it."


The Schalotte / May 1, 2012

An Arab enters a New York taxi..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's, and certainly no radio .......

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: "Watt are you doing man?"

The cabby answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a camel."