Sunday, April 29, 2012


By Ima Schmuck

The Schalotte / April 29, 2012

After watching the TV broadcasts of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding, I called on Cecil Arnold, a military historian, and asked him to explain how the British came up with the colors of their military uniforms. He told me that it had to do with combat conditions during wars between the British and the French. Here is Arnold’s explanation:

During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat." Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

Saturday, April 28, 2012


The Schalotte / April 28, 2012

The following item was sent to The Schalotte by a former Marine:

When your family or friends cannot explain why they voted Democrat, give them this list. Then they can pick a reason from this "TOP 12".

1. I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% plus isn't.

2. I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

3. I voted Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

4. I voted Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

5. I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

6. I voted Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

7. I voted Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away the social security from those who paid into it and earned it, you know, our so called “entitlement”.

8. I voted Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrats see fit.

9. I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

10. I voted Democrat because I think that it's better to pay billions for oil from people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher or fish.

11. I voted Democrat because while we live in the greatest, most wonderful country in the world, I was promised "HOPE AND CHANGE".


Wednesday, April 25, 2012


By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Schalotte / April 25, 2012

Here is my neighbor’s experience with his personal burglary prevention system as he related it to me:

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.


The Schalotte / April 25, 2012

The Schalotte was just now made aware of this report from the Huffington Post:


Huffington Post
February 10, 2012

Sen. Constance Johnson, a Democratic state senator in Oklahoma, has proven that the legislative process does allow for some terrific satire -- even intentionally. To undercut the message of a controversial "personhood bill" brought forth in the state, which would give zygotes the same rights as adults, Johnson added a provision that would treat any sperm not intended to fertilize an egg as an "an action against an unborn child."

Johnson's amendment (which she later withdrew) read:


In the spirit of Monty Python's "Every Sperm is Sacred" song, Johnson made clear that she added the provision to protest her view that the "personhood" bill, which takes cues from similar laws brought forth in several other states, is inherently a sexist one. Her provision sends a signal that although men and women are equally responsible for the conception of a child, a woman is the only party whose body and life is affected by the pregnancy. Under Johnson's amendment, it would be illegal for a man to eject sperm in any manner except during condomless, heterosexual intercourse, in order to protect families.

On Thursday, Johnson explained the bill in a column for The Guardian. Recognizing that she intended to "draw humorous attention to the hypocrisy and inconsistency of this proposal," she explained in part that she wanted to point out the "absurdity, duplicity and lack of balance inherent in the policies of this state in regard to women."

Johnson is not the first legislator to protest bills that target the right to an abortion by introducing humorous legislation to equalize the sacrifice made by men and women. To protest a bill that would force women to undergo an ultrasound before getting an abortion, Virginia State Senator Janet Howell introduced a bill that would have forced men to receive a rectal exam to receive erectile dysfunction medication.

Monday, April 23, 2012


The Schalotte / April 23, 2012

A woman walked into a tax accountant’s office on the 9th of April and told him that she needed to file her taxes.

The accountant said, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He got her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asked, “What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she said.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and said, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman said, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl.”

“No, that still won’t work. Try again,” the accountant said.

They both thought for a minute. Then the woman said, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”

The accountant asked, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”

The prostitute said, “Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”

“Chicken Farmer it is,” said the accountant.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


The Onion / April 5, 2012

BEIJING — Following an independent audit that uncovered major labor violations in Chinese factories responsible for producing iPhones, iPads, and numerous other Apple products, electronics manufacturer Foxconn agreed Thursday to sweeping new reforms that will allow laborers to work in dangerous and inhumane conditions from the comfort of their own homes.

"We have enacted several new policies that make it possible for employees to put in grueling, poorly compensated 100-hour workweeks from their place of residence, whether that's an inadequately ventilated hut they share with their extended family in a rural village or an overcrowded, toxin-ridden dormitory right here on the Foxconn campus," company chairman Terry Gou said in a statement to the press. "Our new labor-friendly policies provide remote access to the factory's hazardous chemicals and combustible electrical equipment, as well as to the brutal stress levels that drive employees to suicide."

Gou added that new maternity-leave packages would allow women to continue assembling MacBook Pros from a hospital bed while giving birth.

Sunday, April 15, 2012


The Schalotte / April 15, 2012

This report from back in 2007 is one of the reasons we love The Onion so much.


The Onion
December 3, 2007

WASHINGTON—After decades spent battling gender discrimination and inequality in the workplace, the feminist movement underwent a high-level shake-up last month, when 53-year-old management consultant Peter "Buck" McGowan took over as new chief of the worldwide initiative for women's rights.

McGowan, who now oversees the group's day-to-day operations, said he "couldn't be happier" to bring his ambition, experience, and no-nonsense attitude to his new role as the nation's top feminist.

"All the feminist movement needed to do was bring on someone who had the balls to do something about this glass ceiling business," said McGowan, who quickly closed the 23.5 percent gender wage gap by "making a few calls to the big boys upstairs." "In the world of gender identity and empowered female sexuality, it's all about who you know."

McGowan, who was selected from a pool of roughly 150 million candidates, made eliminating sexual harassment his first priority before working on securing reproductive rights for women in all 50 states, and promoting healthy body images through an influx of strong, independent female characters in TV, magazines, and film.

"It's about time," McGowan said upon returning from a golf game with several "network honchos" in which he brokered a deal to bring a variety of women's sports to prime-time television. "These ladies should have brought me on years ago."

McGowan claimed that one of the main reasons the movement enjoyed so little success in the past was that the previous management was often too timid and passive and should have been much more results-focused.

"You can't waste time pussyfooting around with protests and getting all emotional about a bunch of irrelevant details," McGowan said. "If you want to enjoy equal rights, you have to have a real man-to-man chat with the people in charge until you can hammer out some more equitable custody laws."

"And don't get me started on how disorganized and scatterbrained their old fundraising methods were," McGowan added. "Let's just say the movement never really had a head for numbers."

After McGowan successfully appointed three of his best men to lead Smith College's women's studies department and called in some favors to a number of powerful board chairmen to triple the number of female CEOs in Fortune 500 companies, analysts predicted that the feminist movement could achieve all of McGowan's goals by as early as 2009.

"With a charismatic, self-assured guy like Pete pulling the strings, we might even see a female elected president one of these days," said Nathan Roth, an analyst at the Cato Institute. "Finally, the feminist movement has a face that commands respect."

McGowan, however, said he didn't get into the business of women's rights for the praise.

"What these women were able to accomplish with the little manpower they had is very impressive," McGowan said. "I just bring a certain something to the table—I'm not sure what—that gave us that extra little push into complete female independence. I guess it just comes naturally."

But despite his modesty, McGowan continues to garner praise from those closest to the cause.

"The whole movement just seems more legitimate with Buck in charge," leading feminist Gloria Steinem said at a gala dinner Friday. "His drive, focus, and determination are truly remarkable. Mr. McGowan is a man with a plan."

Although he has not hinted at any future projects after all forms of gender discrimination are a thing of the past, McGowan has vehemently denied rumors that he will leave the feminist movement to head up the struggle for gay rights.

"The wife would kill me if I took on any more hours," McGowan said. "I'm sure those fellows know how that goes."

Saturday, April 14, 2012


The Schalotte / April 14, 2012

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at JFK Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars", the owner says.

"$10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the yard."

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


By Bob Walsh

PACOVILLA Corrections blog
April 11, 2012

A five-year old took his father’s jacket to school in Bridgeport, Connecticut on Monday for show-and-tell. The pockets of the jacket contained about 50 packets of heroin. The rugrat’s stepfather, Santos Roman, 35, came to school to retrieve the jacket. He did so, then noticed the drugs were missing and returned to the school to retrieve his dope. The cops were waiting for him. What a complete doofus. Dude should go down for felony stupid.

Friday, April 6, 2012


By Pamela Putz

The Schalotte / April 6, 2012

LONDON -- A source from within the Royal Household has told this reporter that the Duchess of Cornwall is three months pregnant and tests have shown the expectant child is a boy. When the son of Charles, the Prince of Wales, and Camilla is born, he could be second in line to the throne, leaving Prince William, the Duke of Cambridge, third in line.

According to my source, the news of Camilla’s pregnancy has left the Royal Family embittered and in disarray. Queen Elizabeth summoned Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge, Prince Harry, Prime Minister David Cameron, the Archbishop of Canterbury and Attorney General Dominic Grieve to a meeting at Buckingham Palace.

The Queen made sure that Prince Charles and the former Camilla Parker Bowles would not be present by ordering the Prince of Wales to represent her at a ribbon-cutting ceremony in Manchester.

According to my source, first the Queen called on Grieve, the legal adviser to The Crown, to explain the legal ramifications of Camilla’s pregnancy. The Attorney General said that despite Prince William being the firstborn son of Prince Charles, a case could be made under the laws of succession, for Charles and Camilla’s son to inherit the throne.

My source tells me that all through the meeting, Prince William and Kate appeared to be distraught. William was heard to remark, "First that home wrecker deprived me of my mother and now she is depriving me of the throne." Kate suggested that the Queen order Camilla to undergo an abortion. At that point the Most Reverend and Right Honourable Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury, jumped up and shouted, “Wait just a minute young lady, the Church will never stand for that.” The Queen tried to calm him down by assuring the Archbishop that she would not do that.

The Queen showed flashes of anger throughout the meeting, especially when Prince Harry remarked, “Good old dad, he’s still got it.” The Duke of Edinburgh sat by stoically, except for a brief moment when he broke into a big grin over Harry’s remark.

The Queen asked Prime Minister Cameron if he thought he could get a law passed by Parliament that would specifically keep any child of Charles and Camilla from inheriting the throne. Cameron said he could try but he thought that Ed Miliband and his Labour Party followers would block any such attempt.

The meeting lasted about three hours and ended with everyone throwing up their hands in exasperation. The Queen closed the meeting by emphasizing the importance of keeping the press from finding out about Camilla’s pregnancy.

Thursday, April 5, 2012


The Schalotte / April 5, 2012

A beautiful blonde was flying in a four-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She picks up the radio mike and frantically calls for help.

“Help me! Somebody please help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is the control tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. Don’t worry, I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! OK, let's start by telling me where you are and your height."

She says, "I'm in the front seat and I'm 5 foot 7."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father.. . Who art in Heaven. . . "

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Schalotte / April 3, 2012

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Luigi, when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

Luigi said, ’I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So Luigi scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' Luigi replied, gasping for air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' Luigi answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'

Monday, April 2, 2012


by Ima Schmuck

The Schalotte / April 2, 2012

The Schalotte is always trying to find helpful hints for our readers. Here are some hints for medicating your cat or dog.


1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little shit's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

3. Say, ‘Good Dog!’

Sunday, April 1, 2012


by Pamela Putz

The Schalotte / April 1, 2012

SAN FRANCISCO -- Linda Burnett, 28, went grocery shopping at a supermarket. After she had returned home, her husband discovered her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed while holding both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A homicide investigator from the SFPD responded to the scene and determined that a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

The investigator noted that Linda is a blonde, a Nancy Pelosi Democrat, and an ardent Obama supporter. He concluded that could all be just a coincidence.

The exploded biscuit canister was analyzed by the crime lab. It was determined from the imprinted code that the biscuits had been processed by Pillsbury in 2008. So it was all deemed to be Bush's fault.