Friday, December 30, 2011


By Ima Schmuck / The Schalotte / December 30, 2011

Our chief investigative reporter Adolf der Schweinehund was walking down the street on Christmas afternoon when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

Adolf took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" Adolf asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" Adolf asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Adolf asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said Adolf, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific Christmas dinner my wife is cooking."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

Adolf replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

EDITOR’S NOTE: Adolf’s wife excused herself from the dinner table, saying she had a [marriage] splitting headache. And Adolf ended up spending the night together with his newfound homeless friend, but it was under a bridge rather than at the Schweinehund home.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / December 27, 2011

Dorina Lisson, my friend from Australia, sent me the following response to an article I had sent her and she added her holiday greetings as well. I only recognized a few words. While I had Fereshteh Zamaani Fard to interpret for me when I interviewed President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei in Iran, I haven’t been able to find anyone who can tell me what the hell Dorina is saying.

Arvo Adolf ... ow-yar-goin' mate,

Stewth, what a corker of a doodah! Blimey, it's a bang on yarn, eh? ... a fair dinkum bonza!

I recon the codger who wrote the hard yacker will give the full race fuzz a bit of a curry. The larrikin is to be rewarded with a slab of stubbies.

Betcha it'll bring out some nongs and create hassels for the chooks'n'geese. Hey, it might even cause some barnies. But then, it could be a shonky furphy - a full on crock'n'bull yarn. If it is, it's not worth a crumpet.

Hope you had a bottler of a Chrissy with your cheese'n'kiss. I'm sure your bread basket is full with lots'a tucker. You didn't get blotto on that champers or liquid amber did you? Did you go berko on it and get crook as rookwood? If you had a chunder you would've been wiser sticking to the claytons.

I've been having a ripper of a grouse time with the rellies. I got lotza prezzies too. It's been raining cats and dogs in Melbourne and everyone had to get their storm sticks out. Nobody spat the dummy and everyone shouted drinks for everyone.

Anyway, cheerio for now ... I'm busy as a centipede on a hot plate. Don't let them mozzies bite you on the ol'fella !!!


Monday, December 26, 2011


By Ima Schmuck / The Schalotte / December 26, 2011

HONOLULU – On Christmas Day, four Secret Service agents pounced on a baby and his mother after eight-month-old Cooper Wall Wagner stuck his right hand in and grabbed the mouth of President Obama while he was visiting a Marine Corps base during his Hawaiian vacation.

Meredith Wagner, who had been holding her baby, and Cooper were whisked away by the sunglass-clad agents as the baby’s shocked father, Marine Capt. Greg Wagner, was left looking on in utter amazement.

The mother and baby were reported to be detained at the Honolulu headquarters of the Secret Service pending an investigation to determine if Cooper would be charged with assaulting the President of the United States and his mother with being an accessory to the assault.

The Schalotte contacted Mark Sullivan, Director of the Secret Service, and Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security, and asked them if the Secret Service agents might have overreacted in pouncing on the baby and his mother.

“Absolutely not,” said Sullivan. “The agents were responsible for protecting the president. They had no way of knowing whether or not the baby had some kind of poison in his hand. They acted prudently and will be awarded the Secret Service’s highest honor.”

Napolitano said she agreed with Director Sullivan. When asked why the baby and mother were being detained, Napolitano replied, “In cases like this, we have to take every precaution to make sure that the president was not the target of an assassination plot. If the investigation shows this to be the innocent act of an eight-month-old boy, he and his mother will be released.”

Both Sullivan and Napolitano said the investigation would be thorough and would take some time.

On the other hand, President Obama laughed the whole incident off, joking that the baby just liked his big nose.


By Pamela Putz / The Schalotte / December 26, 2011

NBC Today has repeated a special report on the carbon monoxide poisoning of children that play ice hockey and figure skate in indoor ice arenas. The carbon monoxide is released by the use of gasoline-powered ice resurfacing Zambonis and by gasoline-powered ice edgers. A number of children have had to be hospitalized. Not only have children been sickened, but adults have been poisoned as well.

The Today Show reported that in the past year alone 250 people have been seriously poisoned by CO fumes in ice arenas. Former Ice Capades star, Linda Davis, was interviewed and stated that the cumulative exposures she has experienced since she started skating at the age of 6 have caused her to have memory lapses and lung damage so severe that she’s required to use a respirator.

NBC also reported that there are currently no federal laws requiring clean air in ice arenas and only three states, Minnesota, Massachusetts and Rhode Island, regulate air quality in their arenas. It was reported that many ice arenas continue to use gasoline-powered Zambonis because modern, battery-powered resurfacing vehicles cost twice as much to purchase. Officials from the EPA and four members of Congress declined to speak with NBC when contacted at their offices.

The Schalotte contacted Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney and Ron Paul to get their reaction to demands for the federal government to regulate the carbon monoxide levels in indoor ice arenas.

Palin, who has billed herself as a ‘hockey mom,’ said carbon monoxide was not a problem in Alaska because most of the hockey is played on outdoor skating rinks. “As for indoor rinks, I would want to go slow with any government regulations because the overzealous bureaucrats at the EPA would put most indoor ice skating facilities out of business.”

Mitt Romney said his kids had played hockey and figure skated. “As a presidential candidate I am opposed to additional government regulations, but as a father I believe the government should step in to provide for the safety of our children.”

Ron Paul said, “As a libertarian I am opposed to government regulations. The government has no business intervening in the personal lives of its citizens. If parents want to risk the health of their children by letting them play hockey in carbon monoxide filled arenas, they should be free to do so without any government interference.”


By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / December 26, 2011

TEHRAN -- Saturday’s Houston Chronicle published an article by Matthew Tresaugue about the Asian black tiger prawn, a foot-long crustacean with a voracious appetite and a proclivity for disease, that has invaded the northern Gulf of Mexico, threatening prized native species, from crabs and oysters to smaller brown and white shrimp. Gulf shrimpers and oystermen already hurting from the BP oil spill as well as adverse ecological conditions, are worried that the black tiger prawns - which can grow up to 13 inches long - will wipe out their shrimp and oyster crop.

The Schalotte decided to investigate how this cannibalistic species from the western Pacific invaded the Gulf. We found several shrimpers that had caught black tigers and discovered several of them with Chinese tags on them. We then contacted Zhang Yesui, Ambassador of the People's Republic of China to the U.S. to inquire about the tags. Zhang asked us to wait while he made several phone calls to his homeland. After nearly an hour he had an answer for us.

Zhang explained that “my government shipped thousands of Asian black tiger prawns to our Iranian friends. You will have to contact the government of Iran for an explanation about how they ended up in the Gulf.”

Since they had previously granted us an interview, The Schalotte returned to Iran where we were granted another interview with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and with Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. The interviews were conducted with the help of Fereshteh Zamaani Fard, our trusted interpreter.


Q: Mr. President, thank you for giving The Schalotte another interview.

A: You are welcome since you are not a Jew.

Q: Now Mr. President, the Northern Gulf of Mexico has been invaded by Asian black tiger prawns that are destroying America’s shrimp and oyster crop. The Chinese have told The Schalotte that the black tigers found in the Gulf had been shipped to Iran. Could you please explain how they ended up in the Gulf.

A: No problem Mr. Schweinehund. We sent two of our super trawlers to the Gulf and dumped the black tigers along the coast for 100 kilometers east and 100 kilometers west of New Orleans.

Q: Wow! Why did Iran to that?

A: I’ll be happy to tell you why. The United States – the Great Satan – has imposed sanctions on us because we will not stop the nuclear program that we are developing for peaceful purposes only. Your country has prevented companies from trading with Iran and has frozen millions of dollars that are deposited in your banks. Those sanctions have hurt the Iranian people. So, we are going to hurt your people too and dumping the black tiger prawns is one way of doing that.

Q: So you dumped the black tigers in the Gulf in retaliation for the sanctions?

A: Exactly! And if your government doesn’t like it, well, it can just … how do you say it in America …take a flying fuck!

Q: Thank you Mr. President.


Q: Thank you your holiness for giving The Schalotte another interview.

A: You are welcome since you are not a Jew. May the curse of Allah be on the Jews!

Q: Now sir, your government has admitted dumping thousands of Asian black tiger prawns in the Gulf of Mexico in retaliation for the sanctions imposed on Iran by the American government. That is going to hurt the American people because those prawns are destroying America’s shrimp and oyster crop. Your holiness, doesn’t that go against the teachings of the holy Quran?

A: Not at all young man! The holy Quran teaches us to deal harshly with our enemies. Not only that, but the bible of the filthy Jews that you Christians also follow, calls for an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. May the curse of Allah be on the Jews! So our retaliation against the Great Satan has the blessings of Allah.

Q: Thank you again for giving us another opportunity to interview you, your holiness.

A: You are welcome. May the blessings of Allah be with you.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


by Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / December 21, 2011

Hiking in the wilderness can sometimes be dangerous. The Schalotte is an advocate of people arming themselves for protection. Here is some good information on protecting yourself in the wilderness.

On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber gun
you trust to protect yourself?

Horace ‘Blinky’ Hogan of Billings, Montana offered the best answer:

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta 950 Minx that fires .22 shorts. Over all the years I've been hiking, I never leave without that Minx in my pocket.

Of course we all know too that the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this, it means you NEVER hike alone. You bring along anyone you can find to accompany you, even an in-law or your nagging wife. That way if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time hiking in Wyoming near Yellowstone National Park with a visitor from France. Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she ever mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Minx I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to the Frenchman's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.

That .22 caliber Beretta 950 Minx is one of the best pistols in my safe.

Monday, December 19, 2011


Ambassador says Obama killed Kim Jong il

By Ima Schmuck / The Schalotte / December 19, 2011

North Korean leader Kim Jong il has died, reportedly of a heart attack while riding on a train.

In a June 2007 debate in South Carolina, presidential candidate Barack Obama pledged that, as president, he would willingly meet with the leaders of such rogue nations as Iran and North Korea without preconditions during his first term in office. Today, Obama said that now he won’t be able to keep his promise because Kim Jong il had done gone and died on him.

The Schalotte contacted So’ Se-p’yo’ng [So Se Pyong], the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s ambassador to the United Nations, to ask him about the circumstances surrounding the death of North Korea’s “Supreme Leader.”

Q: Mr. Ambassador, thank you for giving us your time. Your country waited several days after Kim Jong il died before announcing his death. Why is that?

A: The top generals of the Korean People’s Army delayed the announcement to to make sure they would be able to put the best face on the Supreme Leader’s tragic death.

Q: You say ‘tragic death.’ What do you mean by that?

A: Well Miss Schmuck, I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but here is what happened. Back in 2007, when he campaigned for the American presidency, Barack Obama promised to meet with the Supreme Leader during his first term in office. Ever since Obama took office, the Supreme Leader has been holding his breath waiting for the promised meeting. He lapsed into unconsciousness several times every day but was revived each time by his personal physicians. Only this time they could not revive him. That’s how he died, holding his breath waiting for Obama to show up for the promised meeting.

Q: The other day Obama denied Republican claims that his foreign policy was one of appeasement, pointing out that he had had Osama bin Laden killed. In light of Kim Jong il holding his breath, would you go so far as to say that President Obama was responsible for the Supreme Leader’s death?

A: Yes, I will say that President Obama is responsible for the death of the Supreme Leader. I would go even further and say that in effect Obama killed Kim Jong il, but please don’t quote me on that.

Q: Thank you Mr. Ambassador. While I can’t promise that The Schalotte will not quote you, we do appreciate your forthrightness.


by Pamela Putz / The Schalotte / December 19, 2011

With a high rate of assaults on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America.

The parking lot will be patrolled at all times during store hours and the security officers will be exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for the shoppers. And as a special convenience, the mall has made the women-only parking spaces half again as wide as the parking spaces in its regular parking lots.

The Mall of America public relations office has just provided us with the first picture (below) of this country’s first women-only parking lot…

Thursday, December 15, 2011


By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / December 15, 2011

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Terrorist alarm bells went off at the Department of Homeland Security when it was notified by Bath Iron Works in Bath, Maine that the shipbuilder had discovered about two dozen black widow spiders in a shipment of vertical launch system components from the West Coast. The spiders forced them to fumigate a warehouse and the USS Michael Murphy, a navy destroyer that is under construction.

It was only last October when Homeland Security and the FBI investigated a possible terrorist link to “a plague of black widow spiders” in Tulsa, Oklahoma that resulted in double the number of bites than those that are normally reported.

In a joint news conference on Wednesday, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and FBI Director Robert S. Mueller, III announced that until proven otherwise, this latest black widow outbreak would be treated as a possible terrorist attack.

When asked about the Tulsa outbreak, Mueller told the reporter that the FBI had not yet completed its investigation. So far, according to Mueller, “65 FBI agents have worked full-time with countless hours of overtime, interviewing nearly 400 people about the Tulsa black widow outbreak.”

When asked how much the Tulsa investigation was costing the taxpayers, Mueller replied that he did not have an exact amount, but considering all the overtime, travel expenses and other investigative expenses, he estimated that the cost would easily exceed $1.5 million.

Napolitano interjected that, although the cost was high, she was sure “the American people understand that we cannot skimp pennies in protecting the country from acts of terrorism.”

As for the spiders discovered at the Bath Iron Works, Napolitano wanted to assure the American public that the FBI, together with state and local authorities, would leave no stone unturned to determine if this latest black widow outbreak has been perpetrated by Islamic terrorists.

Napolitano repeated the promise she made after the Tulsa outbreak: “The full weight of the United States government will be brought down on those responsible if the multi-agency investigation showed the spider outbreaks to be the result of a terrorist plot. And if necessary, we will use the U.S. military to wipe out the black widows.”

Mueller again urged all Americans to be vigilant and to report any sightings of black widows to their local FBI office.

At the time of the Tulsa outbreak, civil rights activist Al Sharpton accused Director Mueller of racism for singling out blacks and demanded that white widows also be reported to the FBI. When Sharpton was informed that Mueller had once again urged all Americans to report any sightings of black widows to their local FBI office, he became visibly angry.

“It looks like Mueller, that damn racist, is at it again, singling out poor black widows to the exclusion of white widows,” said Sharpton. “I’m gonna have to go directly to my friend, President Obama, to get this straightened out.”

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / December 13, 2011

From The National Post: A RQ-170 Sentinel, a high-altitude stealth drone known as the Beast of Kandahar, went down in Iran while on a surveillance mission. Iran said it shot the drone down, but the U.S. maintains it crashed due to a malfunction. Iran claims the drone penetrated 250 kilometers inside the Islamic republic’s air space.

President Barack Obama, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Defense Secretary Leon Panetta have called on Iran to return the RQ-170. Iranian Defense Minister Ahmad Vahidi rebuffed the Americans, saying that “The U.S. spy drone is the property of Islamic Republic of Iran. Tehran will decide what it wants to do in this regard.”

TEHRAN -- The Schalotte was successful in obtaining interviews with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and with Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. This reporter conducted the interviews together with Fereshteh Zamaani Fard, our interpreter.


Q: Mr. President, thank you for giving the Schalotte this interview.

A: You are welcome as long as you are not a Jew. You are not a Jew, are you?

Q: No sir, I am German. Now Mr. President, I am sure you know that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have called for the return of the American drone.

A: They must be kidding. Their spy plane was downed 250 kilometers inside the border of Iran and they expect us to return it to them. What is this, some kind of a joke?

Q: Are there any circumstances under which you would consider returning the drone.

A: No, no, no! You can tell Obama and Clinton to … how do you say it in America …take a flying fuck!

Q: I think that pretty well sums it up. Thank you Mr. President.

A: Let me add that we are going to invite our friends, the Russians, to have a close look at this spy plane. And the Chinese have told us they would like to have a look too. Fuck Obama and Clinton!

Q: Thank you Mr. President.


Q: Thank you for giving the Schalotte this interview.

A: You are welcome as long as you are not a Jew. May the curse of Allah be on the Jews! You are not a Jew, are you?

Q: No sir, I am German.

A: May the blessings of Allah be with you and the Germans! Hitler was truly a great man! It’s a tragedy that he could not finish cleansing the world of all the filthy Jews.

Q: Now Sir, how do you respond to the reports that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have called for the return of the American drone?

A: Ha, ha, ha, ha … forgive me for laughing, but the Great Satan expects us to return their spy plane? I have been told that Secretary Clinton does not have a sense of humor. Off with the head of the perjurer who misinformed me!

Q: President Ahmadinejad told me that President Obama and Secretary Clinton could … as they say in America … take a flying fuck.

A: We Ayatollahs do not use such foul language.

Q: Then how do you respond to their demand that Iran return the drone?

A: May the curse of Allah be on the Great Satan! May the curse of Allah be on Obama and Clinton!

Q: Thank you again for giving us the opportunity to interview you Sir.

A: You are welcome. May the blessings of Allah be with you.

Sunday, December 11, 2011


But he appreciates a good yoga instructor when he sees one

The Onion
December 7, 2011

STAMFORD, CT—Admitting to a growing sense of unease, 6-year-old Zachary Barrett confided to reporters Monday that he might be getting too old to continue accompanying his mother into the women's locker room at the local gym.

"I'm at that age now where every time I'm surrounded by grown, half-naked women I don't even know, I think to myself, 'What am I doing here? This isn't right,'" said Barrett, who called the situation "kind of creepy on a number of levels." "What's my mom thinking? I'm not three anymore, for God's sake—I know what's going on now, and frankly, I really don't appreciate standing around awkwardly for 10, 15 minutes trying to pretend I don't feel incredibly uncomfortable. What's worse, I can tell the women are starting to feel awkward being naked around me, too."

Barrett later confirmed that while he was certain he didn't belong in the locker room, he could probably endure another visit if it meant catching one last glimpse of that yoga instructor's fantastic tits.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / December 6, 2011

According to Monday’s issue of Vanguard, one of Nigeria’s leading newspapers, prominent Islamic cleric Malam Abdulkadir Apaokagi preached a sermon Sunday on the position of Islam on gay men and lesbians in which he condemned same-sex marriage and called for the killing of homosexuals and the desecration of their corpses.

Malam Abdulkadir Apaokagi said gays were worse than murderers, and deserve stiffer penalty than those accused of killing fellow human beings. “Homosexuality and lesbianism are just too dirty in the sight of Allah, those who engage in them deserve more than capital punishment. When they are killed, their corpses should also be mistreated.”

This reporter sought out and interviewed several well-known politicians and other newsmakers to get their reaction to Malam Abdulkadir Apaokagi’s sermon.

Rick Perry said he was surprised because, “I thought they only wanted to kill all the Jews.” The governor added, “Hmm, I think I’ll have my friends at Mossad [Israel’s CIA] grab ole Malam-what’s-his-face and bring that piece of filth over here so we can show him justice Texas style. I’m sure we can squeeze him into Polunsky [the prison where death row inmates are held] to await his maker. And since he's all for mistreating corpses, we can wrap his body in bacon.”

Congressman Barney Frank strongly condemned the cleric’s sermon and said, “I guess I better not ever visit Nigeria.” When reminded that the cleric said this was the position of Islam, Frank said, “Oh, then I just better not visit any Muslim country and I better stay out of Detroit too.”

Pastor Steve Anderson from the Faithful Word Baptist Church in Arizona says that “Sodomy is the abominable sin in all faiths and by urging his congregants to kill the queers, that Muslim preacher is just carrying out the will of the Lord, Hallelujah!”

Rocky Suhayda, head of the American Nazi Party, said, “Our party is in complete agreement with this great Nigerian. Our only request is that he also call for the killing of all Jews. Oh, by the way … if you get in touch with him, would you ask him to preach for the Nigerians and all other Africans to stay out of this white Christian country of ours!”

Herman Cain thought the sermon was despicable. As for gay marriages, Cain said, “My marriage hasn’t been very gay the last few days, what with Ginger [White] telling everyone that I shacked up with her. The way Gloria [his wife] reacted … well … our marriage is anything but gay right now.”

Sarah Palin condemned the sermon and asked, “Did I hear you mention that Nigeria is a country? No kidding … and here I’ve always thought that Nigerian was the term for an African-American scam artist. Oh, and by the way, where is Nigeria?”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “Diplomatically speaking, I am sure that President Obama will reach out to Malam Abdulkadir Apaokagi and suggest that it would be nice if he were to tone down some of his more controversial statements.”

Ron Paul said, “As a Libertarian I believe that we should not be sticking our noses into the affairs of others. And, of course, as a physician I am strongly opposed to the mistreatment of corpses.”

Mitt Romney said that right now he condemns the sermon. As for gay marriages, Romney said, “When I was governor of Massachusetts, I was in favor of gay marriages. Now that I am seeking the presidential nomination of the Republican Party, I am opposed to gay marriages.”

Sunday, December 4, 2011


Editorial / The Schalotte / December 4, 2011

Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain went from telling us about ‘9-9-9’, his oversimplified solution to our economic woes, to telling us and his wife Gloria, ‘Nein, Nein, Nein’ when responding to allegations of sexual harassment and a longtime affair.

Was Cain telling the truth when he called his accusers liars for claiming that he sexually harassed them? He could be telling the truth here because sexual harassment is sometimes seen in the eye of the beholder. The publisher of The Schalotte was once accused of sexual harassment for having a Rigid tools girlie calendar hanging on the wall of his office.

Was he telling the truth when he denied business woman Ginger White’s allegation that she had a 13-year-long affair with Cain? In this case, The Schalotte believes Herman is a liar!

White has publicly stated that her relationship with Cain “wasn’t a love affair, it was a sexual affair.” Cain denies having had a sexual affair with White while admitting that he knew her, but only as a friend.

But here is why the Schalotte believes he is lying. Cain also admitted that he gave White money from time to time to help his financially troubled ‘friend.’ Come on now, does anyone in their right mind really believe that Herman gave his friend money purely out of the kindness of his heart, and that was all there was to it? Not likely.

Maybe, and that’s a big maybe, he was able to persuade his wife that was all there was to it. But the American people should be offended that Herman would think they were so stupid as to believe he gave some woman money off and on for 13 years without obtaining sexual favors in return. Even an Orangutan wouldn’t believe that.